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Original poster

Baptisms without consent...

159 replies

LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 14:35

New here and a First time poster and trying to find that AIBU section... I can't so here goes!

I've been separated from my child's father since last summer. Plans to have a christening were in place prior to us separating and COVID came and shit all over our plans. Ex was fine with me wanting to christen the little one when we were together (probably because he knew my family would mostly foot the bill, the absolute bum) He understood I was brought up in a close knit, church attending, large catholic family and was happy for this to be the way forward, with far better schooling prospects in the area where I live for the future.
I haven't discussed it yet, but I KNOW he will now refuse just to throw a spanner in the works.
It would make no odds to him either way, but he would do it to be awkward.
A: Can I do it without his consent? And B: Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable for wanting to do it that way?
Thanks in advance x

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 16:03

Seriously how is it wrong ???

Many things are wrong but this isn't one of them - it's just SYMBOLIC, it's not an actual thing like a vaccination or choosing a school or allowing your kid to take up boxing

I really want people to explain why it's WRONG and not just something they DON'T PREFER Confused

bakingdemon · 03/09/2021 16:05

You need to check with a priest. In the Church of England I believe you need the consent of both parents.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 16:05

I mean literally this is something she is going to do on her own time

Just don't tell him 🤷‍♀️ - how would he notice - it's not like you get 'protected from 666' on his head Grin

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GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 16:05

Without the understanding and consent of the child, it means nothing
Don't be daft Hmm
Of course the child won't be obliged to follow the religion against their will as an adult, but you really haven't a single clue if you can seriously announce it means nothing 🤦‍♀️
It's all moot, anyway. The priest won't do it without both parents on board.

MsTSwift · 03/09/2021 16:06

I really don’t think the argument that it “doesn’t matter” to a non believer holds up at all. Dh would be very very upset in this situation he would strongly object to a child of his being baptised as he is a staunch atheist himself. It’s a hill he would die on I think.

GreyhoundG1rl · 03/09/2021 16:07

@LaurieFairyCake

Seriously how is it wrong ???

Many things are wrong but this isn't one of them - it's just SYMBOLIC, it's not an actual thing like a vaccination or choosing a school or allowing your kid to take up boxing

I really want people to explain why it's WRONG and not just something they DON'T PREFER Confused

It doesn't matter. If the parents have joint custody of the child it won't happen without the consent of both.
HoldingTheDoor · 03/09/2021 16:08

But if you don't believe then it's just water on the head and a prayer - nothing literally to object to 

It's blatantly more than that. You become a member of the Catholic church and it's incredibly difficult to renounce your "membership". www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/11/how-do-you-become-formally-not-a-catholic-you-take-the-law-into-your-own-hands

MatildaIThink · 03/09/2021 16:09

@LaurieFairyCake

Seriously how is it wrong ???

Many things are wrong but this isn't one of them - it's just SYMBOLIC, it's not an actual thing like a vaccination or choosing a school or allowing your kid to take up boxing

I really want people to explain why it's WRONG and not just something they DON'T PREFER Confused

If it is just "SYMBOLIC" and does not matter, then do not bother. Either something has a purpose, or it does not. The fact that religion does not have an age of consent is an issue in itself, that one parent is planning on formalising a child's indoctrination into a religion against the wishes of the parent is wrong, it is also against the rules of that religion.
LaurieFairyCake · 03/09/2021 16:10

Well it's not true you need the consent of both parents because there's me and someone else on this thread who directly know of it happening

I was actually at the baptism

roarfeckingroarr · 03/09/2021 16:10

I'm in EXACTLY this position so following

ManifestDestinee · 03/09/2021 16:11

If the parents have joint custody of the child it won't happen without the consent of both

The Church won't know who has custody though, and likely don't care. They'll baptise the child on the mothers say so.
Anyway if the mother is catholic the child is already considered to be a catholic and a member of the church.

Tooembarrassingtomention · 03/09/2021 16:14

If it is just the baptism then the priest will do it with no fuss 1 evening. That will solve the school issue and keep it low key.

roarfeckingroarr · 03/09/2021 16:16

@LaurieFairyCake

Seriously how is it wrong ???

Many things are wrong but this isn't one of them - it's just SYMBOLIC, it's not an actual thing like a vaccination or choosing a school or allowing your kid to take up boxing

I really want people to explain why it's WRONG and not just something they DON'T PREFER Confused

Exactly this
LoislovesStewie · 03/09/2021 16:17

OP, do you actually believe or is in sort of 'my family do this' and it will get my child into a better school?

HoldingTheDoor · 03/09/2021 16:20

Anyway if the mother is catholic the child is already considered to be a catholic and a member of the church.

I have never heard of that. It isn't passed down like Judaism. You have to be baptised into the faith.

Quickchangeartiste · 03/09/2021 16:23

I would have thought the bigger issue for both parents would be the raising of the child in the beliefs of the church.

If the Ex-husband objects to that then there would be a challenge in selecting schools for example.

I probably would not object to baptism in that case, but confirmation of a child would be a stumbling block. That to me is where free will and open thinking needs to come into play.

EmpressSuiko · 03/09/2021 16:25

@LaurieFairyCake

I don't think I get why anyone would be annoyed Confused

If you're not a believer then to you it's just pouring water on a kids head and saying a prayer right ?

Far more importantly he can involve himself in choice of school so if you did want a faith school he could get very difficult

So no, you don't have to tell him or have his consent to pour water on a kids head or take him to church - but you do legally have to agree schooling etc

It may be symbolic but I don’t want my children being welcomed into gods house unless they want to do it themselves when they are older. My children are free to decide these things for themselves.
Original poster
LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 16:26

Yes, I do believe. And always went to church as a child and I continued as an adult. I've done the full kit and caboodle. Baptised, First Holy Communion and been confirmed. As I got older and longed for a family, I had fertility treatment and I believe my little one was sent to me after years of struggle and prayer. I moved back to the area I grew up in to hopefully allow my child to attend the school I did and have the same school upbringing. Like I've mentioned previously, if I attempted to discuss the matter, he will say something along the lines of 'I've changed my mind'. If you asked for a reason or a further explanation and it wasn't to let him choose when he's older, the ex would definitely say I haven't got a reason, I've just changed my mind. It would all boil down to just being plain awkward!

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 03/09/2021 16:26

My exh managed to have 2 of MY dc baptised Catholic without my knowledge or consent.

Original poster
LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 16:28

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

My exh managed to have 2 of MY dc baptised Catholic without my knowledge or consent.
Can I ask what the outcome of this was please? Was your relationship already strained before this if you don't mind me asking?
OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 03/09/2021 16:28

From someone who doesn't have a religious bone in their body, if dh had wanted to christen/baptise ds it wouldn't bother me.

dh could take him to church and teach him what he believed and I would tell him it was all a pile of made up shite what I believed at home.

It means nothing to me, and if ds chose not be involved in religion later it would mean nothing to him either.

If anyone feels strongly about these things they need to be agreed before children are planned. Sounds like ops ex is now just being awkward now.

Whoopy · 03/09/2021 16:29

@Tooembarrassingtomention

If it is just the baptism then the priest will do it with no fuss 1 evening. That will solve the school issue and keep it low key.
^^ This

You don’t need to have the big party and loads of guests. If it is important to you that your baby is baptised into the RC church then just have the ceremony with you, baby and perhaps your parents in attendance. I think most priests would be willing to do this.

Original poster
LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 16:31

@WeAllHaveWings

From someone who doesn't have a religious bone in their body, if dh had wanted to christen/baptise ds it wouldn't bother me.

dh could take him to church and teach him what he believed and I would tell him it was all a pile of made up shite what I believed at home.

It means nothing to me, and if ds chose not be involved in religion later it would mean nothing to him either.

If anyone feels strongly about these things they need to be agreed before children are planned. Sounds like ops ex is now just being awkward now.

Yes, that is literally the case. All of this had been discussed. He would roll his eyes when I went to church, as say he didn't see the point but was never against it. He was fine about having a christening prior to splitting and his only concern was every really how much it would cost him 🤦🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 03/09/2021 16:32

I had moved out. He had brainwashed them to still see him. He threatened them to keep it quiet. Even their paternal dgps attended.
As soon as they felt able they stopped seeing him.

Original poster
LC09122126 · 03/09/2021 16:34

I'm also quite eager to do it quietly as it's bothering me about not involving his nieces and nephews as I hate to leave children out of a celebration. I sat by the window as a child watching my neighbours have a bouncy castle party that I wasn't invited to and it broke my heart. I wouldn't rub anyone's nose in anything. It's hard co-parenting with a 40 year old baby!

OP posts: