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Original poster

Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

204 replies

HappyBaba · 04/06/2018 09:17

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/06/2018 09:19

It’s frustrating but you don’t own a name, they can use whatever name they want.

Is it really a battle worth having? Sounds like a rather ott reaction from high to be honest especially if you are generally close

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 04/06/2018 09:19

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

Read this over and over again until the obvious choice becomes more obvious to you.

Fishface77 · 04/06/2018 09:22

Tell em to piss of and never use the name to refer to your DN or add the bit “number 2 onto the end” eg Angela number 2.

Nasty thing to do but people are right. You don’t own a name. I wouldn’t apologise but I’d suck it up.

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Lavenderlove · 04/06/2018 09:23

I find it so strange that your sister would want to use the same name even if she loved it! Your parents now have 2 grandchildren of the same name, that's going to get confusing! I can totally understand why your annoyed I would be fuming. I'm sure your parents actually think your sister has been ridiculous too but don't want to see her upset as a new mother. I wouldn't apologise but would possibly reach out to your sister and say you're willing to move forward when you've accepted it

BlueBalletDress · 04/06/2018 09:24

Your sister is clearly in the wrong, however there's no 'ground to stand'. As annoying (and odd) as it is, she can choose whatever name she wants and there's nothing you can do about it.

I'm surprised other members of the family aren't telling her she's being ridiculous though. Just let her get on with it, I wouldn't even comment on it any more and refer to her baby as 'HappyBaba2' for ever more Wink

catinboots9 · 04/06/2018 09:24

What's the name?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/06/2018 09:26

She sounds like a halfwit.

Flicketyflack · 04/06/2018 09:27

It seems a bit odd to name your child the same as your sisters child Hmm

However they have done it and you have said your point of view and need to move on.

I wonder whether they will also copy other things if they could not even think if their own name. Have similar things happened before?

Yumyumpigs · 04/06/2018 09:28

I know the majority on here will chime in with you don't own a name etc.... but that's well out of order! I'd be fuming too. I certainly wouldn't apologise for being cross either.

I'd point out that you've done nothing wrong here and they CAN call their child what they like but it's very odd to call their girl the same as her 6 month old cousin. Tell your mum that if she's waiting for an apology, not to hold her breath.

I do think that after that you need to move on though. It's done now.

MollyDaydream · 04/06/2018 09:29

Your sister is ridiculous!

I don't think you have an option other than to let it go though. I would refer to the baby as 'Lucy 2'.

BeyondThePage · 04/06/2018 09:29

as others say - just refer to 2/too all the time.

Life is too short to be bickering about inconsequential crap like this though - just let life go on - a name is a name - everyone will make up their own nickname or diminutive anyhow, why does it matter?

troodiedoo · 04/06/2018 09:31

Your sister sounds bonkers. I would go non contact but that's just me.

user1483387154 · 04/06/2018 09:31

Like it or not they can chose any name they want.
I understand you feeling a bit put out but you need to suck it up

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 09:32

I'd just say they could call her whatever they wanted but it would make them look really weird if they called her the same name as her slightly older cousin. It's so obvious you chose the name first and it will be obvious to anyone who meets both of them.

Just out of interest, when you named your baby did she say anything then, about "That's the name I would have chosen"?

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/06/2018 09:32

I would find this odd and annoying but it has happened. You cannot stand your ground. Holding on to it will lead to misery. Put it behind you, it isn't nearly as important as family relationships.

kissthealderman · 04/06/2018 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verbena37 · 04/06/2018 09:36

I have a friend who this happened to.
They had been very vocal about using my friends grandpa’s name (unusual and not common) if they had a boy but then her brother in law had their child years before friend even married.

They used her name, knowing it was her grandpas.
Very weird and selfish but she moved on, never said anything to them ...and had a girl.

In your case though OP, it’s your sister! I cannot believe she called her child exactly the same name as your’s.
Your parents and relatives will have a very hard time knowing who on earth they’re referring to.

Your sister is the selfish one. If she has only just had her baby, can you try to convince her to use the name as a middle name?
I certainly apologise for being upset. They’ve been really odd and I’ve never heard of a sibling calling their child the same name.

Pettynotvindictive · 04/06/2018 09:37

This happened to me.
Named my dd a lovely Welsh name in honour of her late gm.
DP friend and his wife use same name 8 months later, admitting that they'd never thought of going Welsh.

I try to rise above it even if I did say to dp "it's a shame they lack so little confidence, they even had to get someone else to name their child"

ShovingLeopard · 04/06/2018 09:38

Very odd on your sister's part, and I would be upset in your shoes, but I can also see why your parents want you to make it up.

Could you do one of those 'I'm sorry if you were upset' apologies? You could maybe reference your feelings, e.g. 'I was upset you decided to choose the same name as us, but I'm sorry if the way I expressed it upset you'. That's assuming the family dynamic allows you to have feelings. If she is golden child (or has a tendency to think her own feelings are more important than anyone else's), then it won't work.

Maybe you can take comfort in the realisation she has made herself look like an unreasonable twat, while your apology makes you the magnanimous, mature one.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/06/2018 09:38

I don't understand why anyone would think you were in the wrong? Your daughter is 6 months old and her cousin has just been born of all the names in the universe they chose the same name. This is not your fault and you are not responsible for solving this issue, how could they possibly not think there would be a problem having 2 girls with the same name who will be roughly the same ages!! Shock

Helmetbymidnight · 04/06/2018 09:39

It’s a really bizarre thing to do, but hey, if she’s not normally mad (hard to believe) I’d just try and get on with them.

What’s the name?!

tava63 · 04/06/2018 09:40

Cripes that is a bizarre thing for your sister to do .....it's hard to understand why she would do this and why she would think that this wouldn't be upsetting. I also feel sorry for her wee baby and yours. However you can't control this so you need to figure out how you can live with this situation. Best wishes OP.

Childrenofthesun · 04/06/2018 09:41

Your sister is completely in the wrong and I can't understand why anyone in the family would think otherwise. Does she have form for being like this?

Having said that, I would just privately accept that she's bonkers and not inflate the argument. Maybe you could just message her to say you'll draw a line under it all. It will be obvious to anyone who meets you all in future that it was a very strange decision for your sister to make when there was already a child with that name in the family.

BeyondThePage · 04/06/2018 09:41

You didn't "steal" their favourite name did you? My sister would do that sort of thing and then play the "we got there first" card.

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 09:42

Yes you do need to suck it up but I think you're definitely justified in having a massive moan about it to all your (non-mutual) friends and online. It's a ridiculous thing for your sister to do. That said it'll be lovely for your DD to have a cousin so close in age and I'm sure they'll laugh about their names to each other.