Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

I'm confused, exactly what do you have to apologise for? splitting the family apart? erm...you didn't cause the drama she did by going round telling everyone and blaming you. Secondly your parent's whilst I get that they don't want their kids fighting it's way out of line to pressure you to be the peacemaker just because she's known as the drama queen, I'm guessing when she has her tantrums everyone does as she wants for a peaceful life? I would stand firm and say "I'm not apologising I did nothing wrong however I am gonna just get over it and live my life with my family and if you wanna get involved in her drama that's up to you". Sadly you can't make her change the baby's name but your sister seems like she has to be the one who gets everything her way and always has to be first and when she's not she copies and tries to out do you. You can't reason with people like that best to just keep your distance and be polite and live your life don't enter into the drama she creates let your parents deal with it since it seems they have fed this behaviour by always taking her side and letting her have her way so sit back and let them handle the monster they created regarding your niece call her Jas to distinguish between the two problem solved.

Does sis' DD have a middle name? I think referring to her as litle Jasmine or Jasmine 2 comes across as perhaps bitter. Instead, could little one be "Jasmine Marie" for eg, every time? It's exactly the name they chose, and leaves your daughter as "Jasmine", as she has always been. And of course, there's always sweetie/darling/munchkin/trouble etc etc etc.

I'd reccommend Low Communication rather than none, if you can bear it safely. Although your sister is completely out of order, it'd be nice for the babies to have cousins close in age, and it'd be a shame if your sibling relationship was lost (if previously it had been okay). I'd stay in touch, for the sake of the niece and your parents, if not for your sister.

I don’t really understand why you are bothered. If anything take it as a compliment.

Life is way too short to be getting upset over sometime as silly as this.

Yes slippers has a point.

I think I would say firmly I think its an odd decision and Im not thrilled, but she's entitled to make her choice just hope she has thought through the negatives of doing this - as tbh its her kid that will bear the brunt of it rather than yours being the one coming second.

Then I would laugh and say hey ho very strange. Any way moving on and be breezy and talk about other things. No way on gods earth would I "apologise" though. For what??

If jasmine really is the name surely bang all the heads together and one of them be abbreviated? It's happened before to james in 2 different families. One want James the first and James the second. The other family went james and jimmy.
Does sound dreadfully hard work for you and your wife but I think you will have to rise above it for your parents sake.

I would do what Kerala said. It sounds like she's so obsessed with irritating you she hasn't thought it through in relation to her actual child. If you point out the issues in an offhand way then refuse to be riled, then she will have to think again. On another point, is she jealous of your wife? If she copied your wedding and now the name knowing your wife spent time deciding on it?

Your sister has made herself look a bit daft chosing the same name, very odd thing to do with close family. But at the end of the day you will just have to accept it, as it is not worth falling out over in the long run.

In your shoes though I would speak to your parents and tell them that you are hurt they are taking her side just because she is being a drama queen about it. I wouldn't be apologising though, but I would accept the situation and move on.

To differentiate the kids maybe something like Jasmine and Jas might work.

Another who is baffled that she's done this and thinks you have nothing at all to apologise for. Unfortunately you may need to be a bit more creative with nicknames if you want a really clear cut distinction between the girls. Jas/Jaz is such a common nickname for jasmine (which is beautiful!) that when the girls get to school it's likely to be used by their friends regardless of what is used at home, so it may feel weird if your Jasmine wants a nickname but the most common one feels like her cousins IYSWIM?

A pronounced distinction (like Charlie and Lottie for two Charlottes, or James and Jimmy as above) would lessen the risk of confusion as it's more likely to be used by both friends and family if that's how they are introduced, plus it gives both girls a name that is 'theirs'.

Jasmine and Minnie (Mini-Jasmine!)/Mina? Not that I'm advocating unilaterally changing your nieces name(!) but now is the time to figure it all out in the family. If your Dsis isn't willing to think about it then her daughter is just going to have to be Little Jasmine, Jasmine 2 or Jasmine-Middlename. You aren't wrong at all for wanting to keep using the form of your daughter's name that you chose.

Good luck op!

Oh Minnie! Yes, start calling her DD Minnie. "Well, it's short for Jasmine, and will help differentiate"

do not do "little Jasmine" unless you want yours to be "big Jasmine" forever - which is not nice for a child.

I can't understand your parents actions in this. Our DIL is expecting our first DGC. I can't imagine a scenario in which one of our other DC had a child and said they were giving theirs the same name, out of all the hundreds of names to pick from, and we sat back and said yes that's a good idea. A normal reaction would be why?

What a weird thing to do! I really cannot understand why anyone would do that.

Do not apologise OP! You have nothing to apologise for.

Call your sisters baby Min, or Minnie all the time.

If in your wider family you refer to a vagina/vulva as a Minnie you get bonus points!

Does she have the same middle name OP ?
I would call her by her full name, Jasmine ......, every time, it's not the little ones fault.

So annoying! Can you tag junior on to baby2? Ie Lucy junior?

I'd be really cross too but there's very little you can do. Say your piece then move on. X

Sounds as though your sister gets away with a lot, OP. And does it by being so very difficult that others give up and back down.
You don't have to make overtures or pretend all is well. In fact, that's a rather unhealthy way to deal with it. I would tell your parents to leave the topic alone and give your sister a wide berth for a while.

This is just plain weird.
Definitely Jasmine 2 / Minnie. I would also make sure your parents are aware that you will not be apologising as there is nothing to apologise for & i hate this phrase but it seems appropriate you are sorry they feel that way. Head tilt/tinkly laugh

Regina you are right I think. It's a shit thing to have to get your head around and shows SOOOOO little thought ok the part of the sister. As someone who has also been put in this position I can say that it's NOT always seen as "fun" by all the kids involved. My DD is really confused as to why auntie x used her name for the baby and immediately was furious. I'm NOT A BABY and I'm fuming that now she keeps getting called "big x" which sucks completely. Way to give a kid an early start on an eating disorder. And also to immediately have someone compared to you because you have the same name. I think OP's sister has some deep issues that she clearly hasn't resolved and hasn't thought this through from the two cousins' perspectives either. They may hate having to share a name. Kids are pretty shit at sharing in general.

But as there's little you can do, I think the wide berth idea is probably helpful while you process this a bit.

And I also think from having read back, that OPs sister is behaving pretty toxically and seems to have plenty of previous on that. Emulating a wedding is one thing, naming a child the same as yours is quite another. It affects more than just the parents. Guhhhhhh.

Wishing you well, OP.

Wasn't there a thread a few years back where the OP (not this OP) had a child called Isabella Eve and the BIL / SIL / Sister had called their child Isabelle / Isobel Eva? It may have been deleted.

I think that it is unlikely that the sister will change the name now. However, the OP can choose how they react. This will depend largely on the reasons behind picking the same name. It may be that the sister is not very confident and wants to take someone's lead in picking a name. This may not be completely the case here as, realistically, it is quite easy to have a look at the ONS baby name list and pick one of the most popular.

In which case, it may be that the sister has, more or less, said "Well I don't CARE, I'm going to have that name too" just to be bloody minded. In this case, it is more difficult. Others have said that they are surprised that the grandparents have taken the sister's side - I wonder whether it is more that they don't feel that they can criticise someone else's choice of name and are reluctant to upset their daughter when she has just given birth (particularly if she is likely to get "fiery").

The OP has said that the parents have put pressure on them on a weekly basis. Therefore this situation has been going on for a while (perhaps a month?).

I think it is important to decide how you would like to proceed. The name might actually be a bit of a red herring - if choosing to do this means that the dynamic within your family doesn't work for you, you are allowed to see them less. If you want to, tell them that their reaction has upset you a lot and that you are going to give yourself some distance from them.

*I'm fuming that now she keeps getting called "big x" which sucks completely.

I don't blame you.

In the OP's situation I think that @CruCru is right, a bit of distance might help. If there's a lot of contact your child will inevitably be called something like 'Big Jazz' as a supposedly pet name, but in reality to facilitate the other child being called sweet little Jasmine.

Grrr my blood pressure is rising at the very thought.

Are you a man, OP?

Don't want to just assume because you talked about your wife.

@Juells cheers, it helps that others understand why I HATE that!! Also my DD now wants to go by a completely different name altogether which saddens me because she was here a looong time prior to the new one, it's caused rucks and divisions within my in laws and me, and like OP I'M the villain there too! great huh!

@CruCru I was thinking this too. There is a point in families sometimes where one thing is just the straw that breaks the camel's back (in this case it's no minor straw but you know what I mean.. it's a "THAT'S IT That's enough!!" moment.) It's a pretty dysfunctional/toxic thing to do, to use your niece's name, from having had no prior discussion and apparently then to twist it so the OP had "stolen it" years ago... If it were my sister I'd be taking a big step back while I decided how best to go forward for myself. Perhaps if it is helpful talk to a professional too? I dunno. I like talking things through, I think it helps.

I went NC with a family member 10 yrs ago because i just reached a point where it became damaging for me personally to carry on. I say with great compassion that the OP (& his wife) should take some time to breathe and process this and decide how the hell to move ahead. You say you & your sister have stuck through some tricky times together OP, perhaps your sister looks to you for guidance in all she does...? but on this matter, I think she has gone rather further than what's normal. Your parents' shouldn't be pressurising you either OP.

Sorry I should not jump to that conclusion either good point @wendiwoowho!

Agree Viking. DH reached that point with his sister. The actual straw wasn’t something huge and dramatic, it was the tipping point after years of problems .

Whist it is a very strange situation to find yourself in, just be careful to not punish the children for the behaviour of the parents.