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Original poster

Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

204 replies

HappyBaba · 04/06/2018 09:17

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

OP posts:
whifflesqueak · 04/06/2018 10:53

intimidation is the sincerest form of flattery

Irrelevant but I did Grin at this typo

SkinniesAreOver · 04/06/2018 10:53

PS, my first post was about the name but when I re-read your post I felt a SNAP. The parallels. In my family I am more inclined to be reasonable and open to persuasion and my brother was more assertive and stubborn so whenever there was a disagreement it was instantly assumed that the way to resolve it was for me to back down. My brother never backed down so that was not a possible resolution. Instead of NOTICING THAT, looking at that (!) the pressure on me to be ''reasonable'' was two-fold. I had to be ''reasonable'' for two!

My parents are still the same and recently they favoured him in such a public and visible way that I took a stand and backed away. My parents are shocked. I'm not fighting with them but I am just not bothering to contact them.

frasier · 04/06/2018 10:53

Even if the sister had picked out the name before, forever, and OP decided to use it for whatever reason from not knowing to deliberately being nasty, the baby that gets born first gets the name first. Doesn’t mean no one else can use it also, but you can’t save names!

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NoSquirrels · 04/06/2018 10:54

But Ginger what would you say in answer to that question then? You can’t stop people asking questions. If I met 2 small girls the same age with the same name in the same family, is asdume it was a family name so would ask, and then I’d certainly be very surprised to find out it wasn’t and questions go from there.

Nothing malicious in it.

Westwing1 · 04/06/2018 10:55

I would be furious, it is an unhinged thing to do. Your sister is nuts, her husband is nuts and your parents are nuts trying to defend her. There are millions of other names for Heavens sake. I wouldn't apologise and would distance myself from family members urging me to apologise. Then I would move on and enjoy my DD. Don't let it ruin enjoying your own new family.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/06/2018 10:55

Sounds like you handled it perfectly, then, OP.

I would make it clear to your parents that your daughter is to be known as Jasmine. No nickname, no surname or initial, just Jasmine. It's not you (or her) that is causing the confusion and you want her to be called by the name you chose for her. Your sister can decide how she wants her daughter differentiated from yours, but your daughter's name is Jasmine.

mocha70 · 04/06/2018 10:55

When I was young close friends of my parents had a girl and a boy and gave them each the same names as my brother and me. When we met up I was referred to as big xx and their daughter little xx and it was the same with my brother and their boy. Our names were not that common so it felt as though my parents friends copied the names. However when I was young I liked it as I had a friend with the same name.

I think it is very odd for a sibling to use the same name. I think the grandparents should gently step in and suggest your sister finds a different name.

frasier · 04/06/2018 10:56

Purplefrogshoes Now that I believe is being nasty. She’s either jealous and wants a “Thomas” of her own or is just being a nasty piece of work.

NoSquirrels · 04/06/2018 10:57

If their name is constantly brought up as a bone of contention, it isn't going to be nice for them. Constant sniping over their names will only create bad feelings for them and possibly build up resentment between them when in any other situation they would likely find having the same names a lark and something to have fun with.

I do agree with this, though. I don’t think OP should make the DC feel bad about it and I would let it go in day to day. But I would certainly not say anything other than the truth to a stranger who asked, and I am petty enough I’d enjoy their surprise.

SkinniesAreOver · 04/06/2018 10:59

I agree with @westwing1

If you are appealing to your sister, communicating with her, trying to get her to be the reasonable one for once, hoping she will 'bless' you with a change of heart - then all of that is the familiar dynamic and she'll know she still has the power she's used to.

BACK AWAY sharpish OP. Don't communicate AT ALL with any of them. Eventually your parents will snap at her ''ofgs just pick a different name!''. They are attempting to deal with this dispute in the way that has always worked in the past. Make it clear that this time that won't work.

I really feel for you @Happybaba, I was raised to instantly capitulate to accommodate the needs (no matter how reasonable or unreasonable) of my mother and brother.

TerfsUp · 04/06/2018 11:04

Tell em to piss of and never use the name to refer to your DN or add the bit “number 2 onto the end” eg Angela number 2.

Yes. This. And then go NC. Never speak to or refer to your niece. Make sure the rest of the family shun your sister and niece, too. Carry the grudge until you die. Make sure you mention this in your will, too. I would suggest having it engraved on your headstone but this might be taking it a bit too far.

Given the outrageous behaviour of your sister, the above is the very least you can do.

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 11:05

I have two sisters and this wouldn't bother me at all to be honest.

I would think it was an odd thing to do but so what? We are not the sort of family that lives every day in each others pockets so it just wouldn't be a big deal.

tiredybear · 04/06/2018 11:06

Oh OP, how hurtful. Your sister sounds a nightmare.

I would make it clear to everyone that calling your daughter by her surname (or anything else) is NOT acceptable. Correct them every single time and, if necessary, specify that as she was named first, if they want to differentiate, they should alter the neice's name as she won't know any different (at 6 months your baby knows her own name!)

I would also make it clear to your sister that you are very hurt by her decision and do not understand why she has chosen to do this but that as you cannot change it, you will move on.

However, I would also go LC with her to protect myself. I have a toxic sister who can twist any situation to be my fault too! There is no way of getting through to them. Keep the peace, purely to minimise the stress on yourself, but keep her at arms length from now on.

GingerIvy · 04/06/2018 11:09

But Ginger what would you say in answer to that question then? You can’t stop people asking questions. If I met 2 small girls the same age with the same name in the same family, is asdume it was a family name so would ask, and then I’d certainly be very surprised to find out it wasn’t and questions go from there.

I wouldn't ask, but that's just me. No, you certainly can't stop people asking questions, even if perhaps it's not necessary to ask. Hmm For heaven's sake, you're aware that you don't have to be petty in response, right? That you don't have to discuss a family disagreement to complete strangers, right?

I'd just blow off the question with a "Oh, it's just one of those things that happens. The girls think it's fun though.." and change the subject.

Again, the problem with highlighting that the niece received the name second may very well make her feel "second best" or simply feel badly about it. Is scoring petty points really worth that? Hmm

I wouldn't apologise to your sister for choosing the name, however, I would apologise for reacting badly to it. She has every right to choose whatever name she wants for her child, just as you do. You stepped right in and "warned her off" the name through her husband, and that's pretty bad, as far as I'm concerned.

If you don't like the way your relationship is with your sister, then fine, start taking a stand on things here and there and move it into a better relationship if you can. But this resentment and petty point scoring over your niece's name is not the battle to choose, IMO, as it's not your sister that will likely be hurt by it, but your niece.

CruCru · 04/06/2018 11:11

I agree with MismatchedPJs.

Emmasmum2013 · 04/06/2018 11:12

I genuinely can't imagine a scenario where your parents have heard the name, and then realised they will have two grandchildren of the same name, and still sided with your sister.

There's no need to pick the same name. And I know technically you don't own a name, but her history of following your lead on everything needs to stop. I'd call her out on it and then just leave her to make her own decision.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 11:14

We have already heard my parents refer to my DD by her surname to help differentiate the two and cards have been addressed to her also by her surname.

Wow, now that is something I would NOT accept. But this is an issue with your parents rather than your dsis.
I would correct them EVERY SINGLE TIME and make it clear that if they have an issue knowing who they shouod call Jasmine, then they need to speak to dsis to find a nickname for her dd.
I was wondering why they were asking you to apologise for upsetting your dsis. But didn’t ask your dsis to apologise to you for hurting your feelings.
Now it seems that, more than a dsis problem, you also have a parent problem tbh :(:(

raisedbyguineapigs · 04/06/2018 11:15

She is the one that sounds like the one completely lacking in imagination if she is copying everything you have done. Your parents may be used to just indulging her, but anyone else will see her for the pathetic unimaginitive creature she is. If this is the last straw of lots of her copying and being indulged by your parents at your expense, then I would back away. If you apologise, its just you backing down again to be the family whipping boy. You have your own family to be busy with. Do you have to see them outside of family gatherings? I sometimes don't see my DB for months on end. We have our own lives. We get on well and have never had a falling out over anything but we still don't live in each others pockets.

biscuitmillionaire · 04/06/2018 11:15

I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

This ^ is the part of your OP that stands out to me. It's your family dynamics that mean your sister usually gets her own way.

It's a very odd thing for her to do. Your whole extended family probably think it's very odd too, but don't want to say anything and cause ructions.

You can't make her change the name, but you can take a deep breath and change your attitude. Make it a huge joke - 'it's going to be funny when they're together isn't it? Like Thing 1 and Thing 2 from Cat in the Hat? Ha ha! Have you really thought this through sis?'

catweasel44 · 04/06/2018 11:16

Utterly batshit. However I would recommend taking the high moral ground here, especially as your parents don't see an issue (also utterly batshit).

They're not going to change it now are they, so suck it up, smile sweetly.

Everyone will know that your daughter was first and as they get older it won't really matter that much. It sounds like you need to give your sister a bit of a wide berth anyway to be honest.

Maybe they could call her Mina or something. Or you could.

StaplesCorner · 04/06/2018 11:18

why on earth would anyone in their right mind give their child the same name as their sister's child?

SkinniesAreOver · 04/06/2018 11:18

yupp, IF you are in any communication with your parents/sister, refer to the new baby in all texts as Jasmine2. Your daughter is Jasmine, your niece is Jasmine2.

I agree with the poster who said that the fact that your parents realise that they will have two granddaughters born within 6 months of each other with the same name and they are still siding with your sister shows that the family dynamic is NOT stacked in your favour.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 04/06/2018 11:19

I can’t believe some people are saying this is alright. It’s weird AF and I would be severely pissed off of my sister did this.

Shutityoutart · 04/06/2018 11:19

I would have called her and said how flattered you are that she chose to name her Dd after yours. After all, that’s how these girls will grow up, one knowing she had been named after the other.....

Eliza9917 · 04/06/2018 11:20

We have already heard my parents refer to my DD by her surname to help differentiate the two and cards have been addressed to her also by her surname.

Instead of her first name? I wouldn't have that, I'd kick up a big stink about the other baby needs to go by a diminutive or first name 2/little first name.

I wouldn't apologise for this either.