Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

I'd be right royally pissed off.

I thought it was way over the top when the sister of a friend of my sister had a baby six months after me, and sent a message saying she hoped I didn't mind that she was calling her DD the same name as mine. That was three degrees of separation, someone who was way out on the fringes of people I know, and she felt a bit uneasy about it. So for the OP's sister to use the same name is just being mean.

I'd be very cool for quite a long time, and as suggested above refer to the child as Angela2 or Angela Junior, or something to signify 'copycat'. But then I'm very PA...

I think you are right however you should let this one go. Chances are everyone else in the family secretly thinks its a bit much but they don't want to upset the new mum.
When it comes up in conversation in the future it will be obvious that you chose the name first.
Perhaps you could take it as a compliment that you have chosen a beautiful name.

I hate this "you don't own a name, she can do what she wants" attitude. In reality it's fucking weird to name your child the same as your sister and I think anyone would be annoyed by it!

Weird but everyone knows she's done it, so everyone knows she's the copycat. Apologise for upsetting her (but not for what you said) and get on with life.

Will the cousins be seeing much of each other? Attending the same school? Or are you so geographically separate that they won't really have much to do with each other?

Plus you could mention to your mum that if she ever looks after both of them together she's going to have hell on trying to tell them off, unless one goes by a nickname!

You messaged them 'before they announced the name' to say having the same name would upset you - was that 'after they told you the name, but before announcing it to the wider world', or 'before they told anyone, including you'? If the latter is the case - i.e. you told them not to use the same name without any inkling that they would - then their actions are understandable, tbh.

This isn't actually that big a deal, really. Any raised eyebrows will be towards your sister, not you. The family will get used to it and find workarounds - if they are both Emily, say, one might be Milly and the other Em. And her name's her name for life and among wide circles of people, not just in the few years when she may be having regular contact with her cousins.

There must be history with your sister, though (considering what you say about you being 'the reasonable one' etc.). What's going on there - for both of you?

That's odd, and I wouldn't be happy, though I wouldn't put this kind of thing past my sister! In comparison, though, I really love the name Sandy (as a nickname for Alexander) for a boy, but my oldest friend's son is called Alexander so I just wouldn't do it, despite only seeing her every year or so, it would be too weird.

I think whether you apologise depends how, and when, you raised the matter. If it was a few hours pp, and you were rude about it then yes, you should say something. But otherwise a non-apology of "I'm sorry you were upset" would be fine.

How strange - fair enough she liked the name but as they say "there is nowt stranger than folk!!!"
I wonder if your sister always gets her way and no-one has ever challenged her due to her tantrums if it doesn't go her way.
Maybe she's jealous of you and WANTS to upset you.
You have done nothing wrong - ignore her - yes - put number 2 after it or put "little before the name" - it will get confusing -
Don't let it ruin you day any longer - what's done is done - chin up and give your baby a big hug.

What are you supposed to apologise for , using the name or upsetting your sister by saying she shouldn’t use it .

My family is from a Scottish Island - virtually ALL of the men in the family are called William.

It would be VERY unusual for there not to be 3 or 4 cousins all called William (and seems quite natural for them to be called Ann's William, Fiona's William, Judith's William...).

(I had girls thank goodness!)

You have to let it go.

Take comfort in the fact that almost everyone will think she is a loon.

How very odd! Why on earth would she do that!

That is really weird, UNLESS your sister chose the name years ago, told you and then you decided you'd use it? Even so, a balanced person would probably have chosen something else. Is there a history of suppressed conflict/competition in your relationship with your sister?

How are you suppose to fix it? An apology tour? No way.

I'd do as a previous poster said and would say that I was upset they used the same name and understand my reaction was upsetting to them. I'd just carry on as normal.

I know people say you can't own a name but this is so strange. Two of my siblings had an issue with a name. Older one was very upset because younger one (1) had the first grandchild and (2) picked her dp's mum's name (she had died years before). Younger picked another name, years later older sibling had babies and didn't use the name for any of her DC. Storm in a teacup now.

I have an Oliver who is 6.
Obviously very common name.

My sister had a boy a couple of years ago..
it would've been super weird if she then called him Oliver!!

One of the names they liked (if they had a girl) was Olivia. But they said they wouldn't use it because it was too close to Oliver!

I don't understand how your family can't see how bloody weird it is! I wouldn't use the same name as anyone I was close to!

I can’t understand what you’re supposed to apologise for?!

What is it you are meant to apologise for? Making her upset because you are upset? She sounds like this is the first of many nightmares you can look forward to as the cousins grow up. I would say you don’t understand what you are meant to apologise for but obviously you forgive her for upsetting you by choosing the same name as for your DD and you already love little X and think the name really suits her. Your aim is to restore family unity without apologising by making it impossible for her to continue to blame you. So make it warm, fulsome and OTT.

Then always call her little X.

Agree v irritating for you (but you sound like you saw it coming based on what you said to her before the name was announced?) - but in the end, no biggie.

IMO the relationship you have with your family (and the 2 girls will have with each other) is more important here - I would suck it up and just send a brief apology by text - saying you were taken by surprise but at least you both have the same good taste in names?

It might be that this whole thing has blown slightly out of proportion as your sister is being affected by postnatal blues/hormone fluctuations and that you'll be able to have a calmer conversation about it in time.

is there a nickname that you/they could use?

FWIW I have a nephew and ds would have been delighted if he'd been named after him!

I can't believe someone would do that, never mind your own sister!

My cousin is due 6 weeks after me and completely unbeknown to us both, we had picked the same name and middle name! She told my nanna what the name was and luckily, I had done the same so nanna told her that was the name we were using so she has done the right thing and chosen a different name - she is keeping the middle name, which is fine, it's a often used middle name for girls.

I do know what you mean about wanting to get the family talking again but it would take a lot for me to forgive. That said, I'm not sure it's something you can be angry about forever so probably best to say your piece and move on?

But there would be NO apology on my part if I were you.

I’m assuming sister said ‘we’re thinking of the name x’ which is why OP said can you not. Then announcement. Or did she say she was thinking of name while she was pregnant? Or before?

Its a weird thing to do. Its as if she cant let you have anything. and one thing stood out to me;

I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn fiery one

Have you heard of the scapegoat/golden child dynamic? One child can do no wrong and the other can do no right. There are other, similar family dynamics, when parents expect one of their children to suck it up on their behalf.

Is your sister is always 'fiery' any more than you are always 'reasonable'? Or is it more the case that she kicks up a stink, your parents cant deal with it and you are the one expected to smooth things over for them?

I have to agree with "nobody owns a name" idea. Choose your battles. This just isn't even on the radar for a family battle.

As you're sisters, I imagine your children will be seeing each other often as they grow up if you live close? Fast forward to when they're 4, 5, 6... all the little giggles of two little girls as they have their tricks on the parents when they're calling one child and get the other at family gatherings. They may love that their cousin and playmate has the same name - something they share. I've met loads of people with my name as a child, and I don't ever recall feeling upset that they had my name - most children are like "cool! that's my name too!"

As a parent and sibling, you have choices here. You can destroy the relationship with your sister over something that likely is not going to bother either child at all... or you can put it behind you, look at it as something special both girls share, and repair the relationship with your sister.

A friend of mine named her dd the same name as my dd (with a different spelling). She actually did ask if I minded first, and I told her absolutely not - it didn't bother me at all. Her child, her choice. My sister gave her dd the same middle name that I and my daughter share. Big deal? Nope. Again, my niece and my dd thought it was great that they shared the same middle name with each other.

you are the one expected to smooth things over for them?

I assume this is the case given that they want the Op to apologise for naming their child months ago and not foreseeing that her own sister would want to use this name, which had no family ties, a mere 6 months later. So basically they want her to apologise for not being psychic?

So weird of her to do that. So weird.

I would consider that my sister did own the name of her offspring if born first and would never ever chose it for my own dc.

Can't believe the childish "you don't own a name" responses on here?! Pathetic!

I feel sorry for your parents OP. They now have two granddaughters with the same name...

"Oh we're off to see Jessie tomorrow. Which one? First one. Mandy's Jessie, not Angie's Jessie. We'll see Jessie 2 the day after.......

Imagine if they go to same school?! Despite likely having differing surnames, they'll be in the same year...everyone will likely know they're cousins. Weird!