Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

"Seriously how dysfunctional are families where this wouldn't be an issue!"

Perhaps because in my family, we don't feel we own names. We've had family members get married and bring in partners that have the same name as other family members. Those spouses/partners are then in the family forever - how is that any different? Two of my siblings remarried - one to someone with children from a previous relationship. One of those children could have had the same name as one of my children. Should I then say to my sibling "Sorry, but you can't marry them as they have a child with my child's name and it's just too confusing"?!?! It's just not a huge deal. We're adults. There are going to be people in your lives that may have the same names - surely as an adult you just adapt and move on?

If my dd had a cousin with the same name that was close in age, I can guarantee they would have been swanning about as children pretending to be twins and getting up to all sorts of silliness over it, enjoying every minute of it. They would have made up nicknames and loved it.

The children will likely only resent the same names if you make a big issue of it. Many children are thrilled when they have the same name as someone else.

You can't change it. Arguing over it is pointless. I'd just draw a line under it and move on - try to fix your relationship with your sister.

I just don't understand the angst over it all, but that's just my opinion obviously.

We have already heard my parents refer to my DD by her surname to help differentiate the two

Uh huh. Google 'golden child and scapegoat.'

Depends what you’re supposed to apologise for, exactly.

I mean - your DD will always be 6 months older. Anyone you meet casually when the cousins are together will ask about the name thing - because it’s unusual - and you will always have the satisfaction of saying yes, you named your DD first, no, it’s not a family name and yes, it is quite unusual, isn’t it? and rolling your eyes.

Anyone who’s family or friends already thinks your sister is odd and created this situation, even if they’d like you to get on with each other now.

So I wouldn’t apologise for finding it annoying and upsetting, but I would try to get over it for family relationships and tell your parents etc that you’re happy to get along with each other now what’s done is done, but that you’ve really nothing to apologise for.

I named my first DD after my adored grandmother. My baby died at 3 days old. Five years later my SIL insisted on giving her DD the same name because it was her best friend's name. I was heartbroken and felt, probably irrationally, that the family were erasing the memory of my baby and replacing her with this new one. It hurt more than I can express but having a relationship with my niece was also important to me so I learned to live with it.

My gran and my baby were Jennie. My niece is Jenny but has always been known as Jen which I found to be a helpful compromise. She's in her 30s now and I love her to bits. We're very close and when her parents split during her teens, she turned to me for support.

Aunts have a very special role to play. Don't throw it away by digging your heels in and being stubborn.

Our posts crossed. That’s a really beautiful name BTW. Your sister lacks her own imagination so is copying you. Try not to let it get you down (I know it’s difficult) and think of it as flattery.

And make sure family members refer to your daughter by her first name, not surname. That’s just rude. I have an unusual name and even though i’m In my 40’s certain family members get it wrong! Very frustrating!

Of course it’s not the same as the OPs not Greek. What I should have highlighted is that it doesn’t cause a problem amongst the cousins. One of my dcs has the same name as my sisters dc. It’s not a problem unless you make it one. But I do see why the OP is upset.

If it was a friend I would let it go. I’d think it was weird but let it go. However, your own sister doing that is just plain silly. You will both have a daughter and a niece with the same name. (Hope you don’t live in the same catchment and they’ll be in the same class?) your parents will have two grandchildren both called the same. It’s just a bit ridiculous.

Your sister is beyond ridiculous and a pathetic attention seeker who is clearly used to being catered to and fussed over by your extended family. She's getting exactly what she wants by all this drama: your parents are rushing to her 'aid' and demanding that you apologize for 'upsetting' her.

I wouldn't apologize, but I would just get on with it. Tell your parents that you're tired of everyone tiptoeing around your sister and her demands. You're tired of being asked to kowtow to her to keep the peace, and you're not going to. You're just going to get on with life. If anyone asks, you will tell them your sister loved the name of your daughter SO much, that she insisted on copying it. Odd, but what can you do.

I have a stepsister, half sister and sister-in-law all with the same name, and yes, it's very confusing.

Anyone you meet casually when the cousins are together will ask about the name thing - because it’s unusual - and you will always have the satisfaction of saying yes, you named your DD first, no, it’s not a family name and yes, it is quite unusual, isn’t it? and rolling your eyes.

Wow, that's rather immature. It'll also likely create some bad feelings with your dd and niece. Not helpful at all.

I wouldn't apologise. You have done nothing wrong. Your parents are being really shitty in making this your problem, instead of telling your batshit sister to pick a different name!
I'd not suck this up for the sake of family harmony - your sister isn't worrying about it or how you feel.

even if she did have love the name, if she never told you, and you've named your dd first its a bit odd for her to still use it. I didn't name my ds a name as my cousin had used it, and I rarely see her.

I find it more bizarre that you are expected to apologise for naming your child 6 months ago? Batshit

We've got this in our family op.

My mum has two sisters and they both called their boys by the same first name.
It's a bloody awful name too so I don't get why!

The only difference is that there are around 15 years between them.

First auntie had a girl then a boy.

The copycat auntie had 2 girls, then another boy first and called the other boy the same name.

It's confusing to say the least and my dearly departed dgm used to call the youngest one "the boy"

I think she is ridiculous.

This ''you don't own a name'' mantra is stupid because it's not that simple. It's not like an outfit.

She has put your parents in the position of saying that they have two granddaughters called Jasmine.

That is such a ludicrous situation that I feel your frustration. Why would she do it!?!!?

I know you shouldn't HAVE to but I would think about taking some name out of that and using it instead. eg Jem or esme
Obviously you shouldn't have to but omg! Your sister is nuts.

Step sister and sister in law is unfortunate but half sister! That could easily have been avoided. How crazy!

I sort of remember a thread from someone with your sister's point of view some time ago. It was a name she always talked about, because she was adamant that if she ever had a DD, she would use this name. Then her sister, with no warning, used it before her, and she was so upset, people told her to use the name anyway. She was newly pregnant at the time if I remember correctly.

Any connection OP?

I think PPs are right that your daughter is likely to think it's quite cool. If they have different surnames you'll just call the other one Isobel Watkins or Cousin Isobel when referring to her, and life will tick on fine.

However I know the dynamic you mention with your sister. It sounds like your parents are in the habit of pressuring you to give in to your sister because it's the easier path. If you want to choose this issue to make a stand on, that's your call. It's all very well to say pick your battles, but if you end up ceding on everything that's important to you then nothing will change. But before you decide, try to pin down (1) exactly why this has upset you so much, (2) what you want to achieve by "making a stand", and (3) if this is actually about the name or the family dynamic. If the first 2 aren't clear and "defensible" in an argument, this might not be the right battle to pick.

This happened in my husband's family, two cousins born three months apart (in a very small family) being named the same name. It was a family name and both siblings really wanted to use it. Apparently it did cause a few ructions at the time, but by the time I met all the family (the cousins were about 18 by then) everyone was totally used to calling them Thomas P and Thomas R (not real name). Luckily they had different surnames! But they do share a middle name too.

Everyone will think she's a loon OP. She is clearly telling everyone you know how batshit she is.

My sister's husband's sister, who lives 200 miles away from us, had a baby four years after and loved our DD's name. Despite the many degrees of separation, she still checked through my sister that we were fine with her using our DD's name. We were quite flattered really, we feel like we have a bonus niece.

Ginger immature perhaps. But certainly satisfying. Would it help if the eye roll was internal? Tbh, I think the person asking would do the eye-rolling in amazement so it probably wouldn’t be required!

Telling the truth (named my DD first, no, not a family name) isn’t going to “cause problems between the cousins”!

I get that your relationship with your sister is not great (I have 3 sisters, I get it, I really do!), but choose very carefully whether this is the right issue to take your stand on.

There are two children attached to that name - and what you do may affect them in years to come. If their name is constantly brought up as a bone of contention, it isn't going to be nice for them. Constant sniping over their names will only create bad feelings for them and possibly build up resentment between them when in any other situation they would likely find having the same names a lark and something to have fun with.

Your sister sounds a mad PITA but I'm afraid you will have to suck it up.

I would give the issue some space for a while and take some time out to enjoy your baby before you see her again.

What a weird thing to do!!

Don’t apologise and limit contact with the sister , if your parents want to choose sides let them , at least you know where you stand . Btw Jasmine is lovely .

Telling the truth (named my DD first, no, not a family name) isn’t going to “cause problems between the cousins”!

Really? You don't think that will make the niece feel badly, hearing it tossed about regularly? Because she WILL hear it. And it will affect her relationship with the OP.

Yanbu
My mil called her new dog the same name as my ds, I wasn’t impressed