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Original poster

Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

204 replies

HappyBaba · 04/06/2018 09:17

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 04/06/2018 10:20

or should I stand my ground?

For what? What do you want from it?

Personally it wouldn't bother me, but then I have, and come from a large blended family with lots of duplicate names so probably a little too easy going.

Tinkobell · 04/06/2018 10:20

Impersonation is the highest form of flattery. You should tell your sister that!
I'd drop the matter. It's a weird weird thing of her to do! I've never heard of such a thing. Her DD will grow up knowing that she's the younger of the two and sadly has very unoriginal parents.
Outside in the big wide world it won't matter One iota that the cousins share names. Lots of Italian families share first names, doesn't matter.

PlumsGalore · 04/06/2018 10:20

I would be annoyed, especially since you are a close family. If your lives are very interlinked, same town, meet up regularly etc. then it would be justified.

If she lives 100 miles away and you see then 2-3 times a year I could get over it much easier.

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Littletinyraindrops · 04/06/2018 10:21

I'd be annoyed and at a push I'd give a half arsed 'I'm sorry you're upset, though I'm not sorry about being angry with you' apology, but it's not the end of the world.

People will just end up thinking she's a bit strange for copying you, and then you can smile and agree.

elisaveta · 04/06/2018 10:21

*My nephew has the same name as his cousin on the other side of the family. Nobody turned a hair

That's a completely different situation to this though. The OP and her own sister only have 1 girl each. They are both called the same name. That means her parents have 3 grand children in total 1 boy e.g Fred and two girls who are both for example called Mary.*

No - it's exactly the same situation. My nephew's grandmother on the other side of the family (not my parents) has three grandsons, and two of them are called Pete.

Takfujuimoto · 04/06/2018 10:21

I would apologise, to her DH and baby.

" I am truly sorry, we had no idea sistername was completely batshit crazy, but you're kind of stuck with her now 🤷‍♀️"

I don't see how you are supposed to be in the wrong, your sister is seriously weird.
If one of my siblings did this my mum would not be happy with them.

Does your batshit sister get away with things like this often?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/06/2018 10:21

This just isn't even on the radar for a family battle

Seriously Shock how dysfunctional are families where this wouldn't be an issue!

PickwickThePlockingDodo · 04/06/2018 10:22

You didn't "steal" their favourite name did you? My sister would do that sort of thing and then play the "we got there first" card.

Yes, did you do this OP? Did she tell you what she was naming her baby and you took it because your DD was born first? In which case you are out of order.

lostinsunshine · 04/06/2018 10:22

If she's been "dweeming " of this name since childhood and used to practice it as a signature along with pictures of unicorns and fluffy bunnies then how could you be so "kwool" as to destroy her fairytale and be such a wicked witch and "steal" the name.
I'd like to think I would shrug it off for the sake of the family but if my sister behaved like this I would have a lower opinion of her . And probably not trust her with anything important.

2old2beamum · 04/06/2018 10:24

My brother used the same name for their son as we did for our first son,

there is 20 years age difference between them. I felt quite flattered and the sons find it amusing. Really confused our parents who never got our names right anyway!

frasier · 04/06/2018 10:25

I often think this is a lack of confidence issue. They can’t choose a name so copy someone else’s, a bit like copying their curtains or handbag.

Has she been angry for 6 months, from when you chose the name? Or is it because you were angry about it and she doesn’t mind the same name?

OP, everyone who knows what has happened will think your sister is the weird one. This will rebound on her time and time again and she will wish she hadn’t used the name. Even if she tells people she picked the name first and you “stole” it, people will still think she’s mad for choosing it!

It’s up to you what you do with your family but I think she will regret it without any input from you. You could smile, rise above it, say you named your daughter the name you loved and there was nothing you could do about her picking the same name even though it was a really odd thing to do.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 04/06/2018 10:26

I do know someone who named their daughter a male name because she knew her SIL was due a son a couple of weeks after and had planned to use the male name after the grandfather of both babies. I thought that was very naughty!

cansu · 04/06/2018 10:26

This sounds v odd and just plain daft to have two such close family members named the same thing. It isn't however worth a big hoohah. I would simply tell her that you think it is a bit uts to have them both named the same but if she is happy to explain her reasoning to numerous folks forever then that is up to her. She sounds utterly bonkers.

Flamingosnbears · 04/06/2018 10:27

I think basic common sense on their part is lacking, what a weird thing to do?... I don't think you should apologise anyone in your situation would feel the same frustration, is there any nickname options to distinguish between them when you have family get togethers? On the bright side you could look at it like they've named their baby in honor of your little one Grin.

FirstOfMyName · 04/06/2018 10:28

I’m Greek. It’s tradition that Greeks name after the grandparents. I’ve 4 cousins with the same as me and my brother has 5. It makes no difference. It’s quite fun at family gatherings. We all know which one is being referred to. I’m in my 50th & referred to as “little first” as I’m the youngest. Quite nice!

ourkidmolly · 04/06/2018 10:28

What's wrong with your sister and her husband? That's very weird behaviour. My daughter's Molly and if my brother named his daughter Molly 6 months after her birth, I'd think he'd need medical attention.

NevermindMyMind · 04/06/2018 10:29

Essentially it'll be something you'll have to get over it she does keep the name but she does have time to change it before the baby is registered. Maybe your parents or wider family will say how much they think it'll be hard for them and she will reconsider. Saying that, if your sister had always loved the name and you used it, I think her actions are justified somewhat. At some point she will feel silly about it in the future because you want your child to be an individual whether that is the case or not but right now I'd let her get on with it.

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 10:31

I’m Indian - have 3 first cousins with the same name. The oldest gets called her name, and the younger 2 get nicknames.

Original poster
HappyBaba · 04/06/2018 10:32

All thanks for the feedback - it's nice to know I am not completely losing my mind.

To answer some of the questions posted by other users:

  • My DD name is Jasmine. So not super common, but also not a completely unique name, but it was a new name to our family.
  • We initially chose the name for our first child about 6 years ago, but we had a DS so we didn't use it. But we did tell our family that if it was a girl we would have named it Jasmine. There is no chance my sister had picked the name first - she was still busy clubbing/socializing when we started our family.
  • I visited my sister in the hospital to congratulate her and see my first ever niece. That is when she said she was thinking about naming it Jasmine too. I was shocked, but I didn't want to upset her on her first day of being a mother. So I messaged her husband instead asking him to share my concern with my sister when he felt she was ready. I wanted to give her time to enjoy being a mother but also needed to share my concern before she announced the name...it was kind of speak now of forever hold your peace moment.

I want to move on, but this incident has opened my eyes to my sisters behavior. She copied our wedding, she copied how we decorated our home. At the time, I just said intimidation is the sincerest form of flattery, but copying my DD name was a step too far. I feel like she has taken part of my DD's uniqueness in the family. We have already heard my parents refer to my DD by her surname to help differentiate the two and cards have been addressed to her also by her surname. I don't want to let somebody back into my life, who I feel is just there to take take take.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 04/06/2018 10:33

YANBU. It’s out of order but your sister and a little strange. Yes, you don’t ‘own’ the name but you have named your child and she’s been only what I can describe as stealing it (sorry to sound harsh) for a lack of creativity on your side.

We steal things we are jealous of. Try to look at it that way.

I grew up in a household we’re my dad and brother had the same first name and I can’t tell you how confusing it was. Your sisters child is likely to become ‘little’ xxx or ‘xxx’ 2 - it’s a bit demeaning. Poor kid.

And you definitely have nothing to apologise for.

FuckPants · 04/06/2018 10:33

I’m Greek. It’s tradition that Greeks name after the grandparents. I’ve 4 cousins with the same as me and my brother has 5. It makes no difference. It’s quite fun at family gatherings. We all know which one is being referred to. I’m in my 50th & referred to as “little first” as I’m the youngest. Quite nice!

Unless the OP and her sister are Greek it's not the same.

What is the OP meant to apologise for, having a baby before her sister?!

The sister is batshit and the family need to tell her, I have experience of a family not standing up to a batshit child and the fallout was not pretty.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 04/06/2018 10:34

I have over 60 first cousins and oodles of second and some third cousins. Not a single one of us shares a first name!

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 04/06/2018 10:34

She copied our wedding, she copied how we decorated our home. At the time, I just said intimidation is the sincerest form of flattery, but copying my DD name was a step too far.

I don't normally say this but I think now would be the time to move to limited contact. life is too short and she is unlikely to think she is being unreasonable given how often she has copied you in life so far.

ToothTrauma · 04/06/2018 10:34

Threads like this always confuse me because in my family we have a tradition of giving new babies a name of someone in the family. I don’t mean someone long-dead either!

We just say ‘Big Tooth and Little Tooth’ or whatever. It’s an honour to have your name chosen as the one to pass on.

Is it possible that the name thing is upsetting you more because your sister sounds like hard work in general?

Takfujuimoto · 04/06/2018 10:35

I'd send cards addressed by her surname only back with a very clear " please address post/cards correctly, Miss Jasmine Surname, or don't bother."

How rude!