Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

Despite all the comments about you not owning a name I would be mad too and have been in the same situation when dsis named her ds the same as mine. My ds is 6 months older.
We are nc now but not just because of that. She has a screw loose as my dh says.

I don't think its that big a deal, but then I have a first cousin a year younger than me with the same name. My brothers also have first cousins with the same name. It hasn't caused any confusion or hostility. I quite liked it!

Also actually one cousin has named his new baby the same as DS - again no biggie.

Your sister sounds like a weirdo! Who the hell wants their child to be known as “little Mary” or “Mary surname”? This was the case in my primary school with two girls. One was “wee X” and one was “X [surname initial]” they both hated it.

Your first contact with them when they announced the birth of their baby was to complain about the name?

And this has been going on for weeks?

It is done. They both have the same name. Now it is time to get over it and move on.

I agree with everyone else. It's done now, force a smile, go along with it, and sit back in the knowledge that everyone will think your sister is a weirdo for doing this - forever.

I imagine it will end up that one of the girls - probably your niece - will have a nickname instead. Is it a name that can be shortened?

Both children have the same first name? Surely not.

How ridiculous! Don't be made to apologise for something you havent done. She looks like a complete idiot.

I wouldn't fall out but would go low contact. Explain to parents that your feelings are completely valid and you won't be apologising. Say you won't fall out over it but will certainly not be apologising.

It's odd but not freakishly so for cousins to have the same name, but chances are a nickname might well emerge for your sister's baby once people start getting annoyed by the confusion that arises, if you really are a close family.

Don’t apologise you have nothing to apologise for. Move on but icily ‘I have nothing to apologise for’ to your parents on repeat, then just be polite.
She’s the loon, you don’t have to pretend otherwise for ‘family harmony’, fuck that.

I really want to know what the name is!!!

I had the same thought as others on here. Play the supportive sister but have your own motives and suggest she use it as a middle name to save upset and hassle?

I don't understand why anyone would think you were in the wrong? Your daughter is 6 months old and her cousin has just been born of all the names in the universe they chose the same name. This is not your fault and you are not responsible for solving this issue, how could they possibly not think there would be a problem having 2 girls with the same name who will be roughly the same ages!!

^^ TOTALLY agree. It is just weird on your sisters behalf.

Even if you'd had your heart set on the name, once your sibling had used it, surely you'd come up with a different one! Out of all the names in the world, surely there isn't just one they like. And it happened to be her only female cousin 6 months older. Just odd.

I think they should apologise, not you.
I think you should always refer to her as name2 or as a nickname of the full name - it will just get too confusing otherwise, for your own child also.
And I would really limit how much you see your sister - I would feel completely furious if it was me.

6 of my friends gave birth in the few months before me. All girls. 4 of the names they chose were on our list, so got scrubbed. Because we're normal.

She’s batshit.

Tell your Mum not to hold her breath for you making this right. You have done nothing wrong.

Someone needs to tell your sister to stop being such a twat and to choose another name.

It's not worth dividing a family, it's only a name! Just let her use it and don't worry about it! The cousins will probably laugh about it. No big deal.

Of course you don't 'own' the name, and there's a part of me that would tell your sister that if her heart is truly set on the name, she should use it too. However, it's still quite strange, and I'm sure plenty of your family and mutual friends will think she's a bit odd.

I don't think it's worth being actively upset about, though.

Weird, although my mum chose the same name as her bro in law for my younger sibling, so same first name & surname! At least they were countries apart though.

Take reassurance in that everyone will know your dd came first so everyone will be side eyeing your sister.

My nephew has the same name as his cousin on the other side of the family. Nobody turned a hair - the older cousin is known as 'big Pete' and the younger one 'Pete'.

My Mum didn't choose her favourite name for me because one of her friends had used it six months earlier. It really pisses me off, as it's a much better name than the one she gave me and I could never understand why we couldn't both have the name. The friends had moved away from the area by the time I was about two anyway.

Gosh, how odd! When naming my kids, not only did I avoid the names of my nieces and nephews, but also the names of my BILs n&ns, as I didn't want them to have cousins on both sides with the same name.

its a bit odd, but nothing you can do.

My brother has the same name as one of my cousins, and its fine. We can tell them apart.
Although they do get called Big Dave and Little Dave still even though they are both adults now.

Your sister is nuts! I don't understand why she wouldn't want to give her baby a more 'individual' name, particularly when it's such a close relative.

I'm assuming there's 'history' here as surely two sisters with a good relationship wouldn't do this?

You have nothing to apologise for, and in the future I would refer to her baby as 'number 2'...

said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us

You were up visiting the new arrival in the hospital and this concern just popped into your head, did it? Why would that be something you even think of?

Did you know before you had your baby that your sister liked this name?

I think it's absolutely insane to give your child the same name as their cousin, but there's not much you can do about it if someone takes that line. Whenever it's brought up just say "Yes, at first we thought it was a bit odd too, as mine is the elder" so no-one thinks you're the weirdo.

OP tell us the name and we’ll come up with a great nickname for your niece.

Your sister is being ridiculous! you've done absolutely nothing wrong your daughter has had her name for 6 months now, what does your mum expect you to do exactly? because changing her name is out of the question. Your sister needs to grow up and choose another name like normal people do, there are thousands of names I'm sure she can find another.

I can understand you feeling hurt OP, your baby is still new.
Does your sister live near, will your children start school together ?
She obviously enjoys drama.🙄
You have nothing to apologise for, so don't.
However, the baby is named now, so the best thing for you to do is 'put up and shut up', carry on as usual, and let the rest of them sort it out between them.🌺🌺🌺

My nephew has the same name as his cousin on the other side of the family. Nobody turned a hair

That's a completely different situation to this though. The OP and her own sister only have 1 girl each. They are both called the same name. That means her parents have 3 grand children in total 1 boy e.g Fred and two girls who are both for example called Mary.