Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

Grow up the pair of you for God's sake! Using children's names as weapons against each other.

Yes, weird families out there if they think this is no big deal

My cousin's daughter has my name, but my cousin had moved to south africa and she rang us to see if we would mind! Neither of us minded but I was 17 at that point and we were going to be living in different countries, and first cousins once removed not cousins! And still my cousin rang us to ASK!

It’s definitely weird. This sounds like the type of thread that the Daily Fail (crap paper full of sexist and badly written articles😏) would love.

choli Absolutely. Wish there was a "like" button on this.

Have your parents always favoured your sister?

It’s so bizarre of them to take her side in this.

I would make it absolutely clear to them that you are not in the wrong, that if anyone should apologise it should be her. And that GPs should refer to your DD as Jasmine only. How they choose to differentiate Jasmine 2 is up to them.

Then distance yourself from the lot of them while they hash it out between them.

@choli, that is very unfair telling the OP to ''grow up''

The family dynamic is that she always always capitulates to her sister's wishes. Finally she wants to take a stand and say no this time I am not happy to capitulate on this one. And you tell her to grow up! You do not understand the family dynamics at all.

I second sending back cards addressed to your DD by the surname only. That is just not on. Send them back every time until they address her properly. What are they going to do when both children come round when they are older? Call your DD by her surname and her cousin Jasmine? What is your DD going to feel like if her gp's do that when she is old enough to understand what they are doing? I'd nip that little performance in the bud straight away!

Op, I feel your pain. This exact thing happened to me. But with my brother. He named his first born the same name I named my first born (he was about 2 when his cousin was born).
I felt unbelievably betrayed. I know, I know no one ‘owns’ a name but boy it felt like a kick in the guts. Also my family were annoyed at me for being upset over it. My husband was really upset too.

I can tell you exactly how this will go for you. As the children get older it will get easier. Family use first name and surname when referring to the boys to differentiate and it wasn’t really very confusing after a while. The children don’t care that they have the same name and get on very well.

What will happen however is that as you go through life, everyone will know that your child was born first. You’ll find that people will approach you over time and say ‘how weird that your sister named her child the same as yours, why did she think that was ok!’ And you’ll just say ‘I know right’ and walk away with your head held high with a sense of satisfaction that people can see for themselves that it was a really dick move on your sisters behalf. It will be embarrassing for your sister, if the children atttend the same school for example every year the new teacher will wonder how the fuck that happened and probably mention it asking how. Your sister will have to explain her choice over and over again. You will just have to say ‘I know it’s ridiculous, isn’t it?’ And you will be the one with the sympathy.

The only thing you can do is try and accept it with grace and I promise there will be many situations where you will see your sister regretting her decision and you won’t have to do a thing.

Using children's names as weapons against each other.

What on earth has the OP done wrong. From what I can see she named her daughter and now 6 months later she being accused of being vindictive because she dared to suggest her sister should maybe consider using a different name for her child?

YANBU to be upset, but I think you have to let it go (though you don't owe anyone an apology!!) To the outside world it's your sister that will appear to be the loon, not you. I agree with TimeIhadanamechange, however, calmly make it clear to the grandparents that you would like your daughter to be called Jasmine, not by her surname or anything else - your sister caused the problem, so her daughter can be called a nickname or "Little Jasmine" or whatever they choose. But your daughter is Jasmine.

On the subject of same names I came across a corker the other day - if anyone is watching Hugh Grant in A Very English Scandal there is a lovely cameo played by David Bamber called Boofy, aka. Arthur Gore, 8th Earl of Arran. His son is now in the House of Lords, Arthur Gore, 9th Earl of Arran.

Turns out Boofy became the 8th Earl when his older brother committed suicide. Whose name was...Arthur Gore, 7th Earl of Arran. Father of both boys: Arthur Gore, 6th Earl of Arran. Grandfather: Arthur Gore, 5th Earl of Arran.

No wonder some people have silly nicknames!!

There are 17 boys under the age of 15 in my family between me, my sister and my sisters and brothers in law. Inevitably we have probably all used names that the the others liked or were thinking of. While I personally wouldn't choose to do that myself, my sister in law did call her son the same name as my eldest. It hasn't bothered me one little bit. It doesn't matter and nicknames can be used if necessary within the family. I honestly don't believe it's a big deal, it hasn't caused any issues in my experience and it wasn't done for any other reason than we both like the name and I happened to have a child before she did. I really would try and get over this for the sake of the family and the children.

I would also return unopened letters addressed to my dd in surname only.

Given the way you’ve described the family dynamic, I can umagine your DD being the one who ends up with a nick name.

Your sister is bonkers. If a friend of mine did this I would think it incredibly strange, or deliberately nasty. She may as well wear a huge sticker on her head saying “I am jealous of my big sister” , as that is how it will look to everyone else.
We have the same dynamic in our family with DH and his younger sister, he has cut all contact because the mad jealousy just became too much. Constant competition as adults is exhausting and upsetting. She is sill doing it, but at least now he keeps her at arms length. I don’t understand why your parents don’t tell her how strange it is ? Maybe I also need to google the golden child thing ! It just baffles me. If my brother had chosen our Grandfathers name for his son I would have been sad, as I always wanted to use it if I had a ds, but I would have completely understood that he loved it too. I certainly would NOT have then used it for a child of mine, and my parents would have said how odd it was if I had.

I presume (hope!) that when she said they referred to her daughter by surname, she meant 'Jasmine Sidebottom' not just 'Sidebottom'.

I agree with everyone who has said this is bonkers. It might well be fine if you have a family name and you and your sister both use it and obviously it's fine if it's a blended family and people already have the name , but that is not what has happened here.

YANBU, your sister is entitled to call her child whatever she wants but she has chosen exactly the same name for a reason that has more to do with her relationship with you, than it does her affection for the name. And using her own baby's name in this way is wierd. She may like the name but she doesn't seem to have considered how this might possibly affect her own child.

I don't see why its up to you to pander to her and apologise and why the family are pressurising you to do so. What do they want from you, just an apology or do they actually think you should change your childs name to accomodate your sister.
Apologies are a two way street and only work if both sides want it. You say that she's been gossiping about you to various people. Your sister's behaviour is childish and hopefully, becoming a mother will help her mature. Unfortunately, despite all this, you will probably have to just let it go.

What do they want from you, just an apology or do they actually think you should change your childs name to accomodate your sister.

Jasmine is not top 10 or even top 100 so I think your sister was being very very weird by copying it. If it was a top 10 name that she adored, then I’d feel more as though you don’t own a name.

She is being especially selfish since you raised your concerns prior to her announcing her dd name.

That said, cousins having the same name won’t cause a problem. Even if they go to the same school, they have different surnames.

Try to forget about it. It won’t impact your dd. But you can be sure that by the time her dd is about 10, she will have said, mum why did you name me the same as my cousin .

If this is the latest in a long line of crap from your sister, then distance yourself without causing a rift.

sorry for the repetition above. I thought I'd removed it

You say that she's been gossiping about you to various people. Your sister's behaviour is childish and hopefully, becoming a mother will help her mature.

It sounds like both have been gossiping about each other to various people. Let's hope that being a mother helps both of them mature.

looks like everyone is determined to start a war regardless. I suspect this drama llama nonsense hides years of jealousy and similar playground emotions, although possibly not with playground causes.

Thanks again for all your comments, they have helped bring me closer to what I should do next.

I feel for my parents, who can see their family splitting apart. I would be heartbroken if one day my kids stopped being there for each other, so I can understand the pain my parents are feeling. It doesn't justify the pressure they are putting me under, but a least I can understand why. If we don't resolve this, it will be something that will spoil all future family occasions for them.

I feel for the babies, I want them to have a relationship with their cousins and agree having the same name could be something they bond over. To differentiate the kids maybe something like Jasmine and Jas might work.

I feel for my wife, for the upset she has experiences, the hours/days she spent researching baby names to find the perfect one and for the support she has shown me.

And @choli at no point have I ever tried to weaponise this debate. I have only spoken to my sister once since I raised my concern. I tried to understand her point of view, but in return she swore at me and told me never speak to her again. Fighting fire with fire, will just make this worse and I personally find that approach exhausting and against my nature.

I want us to be civil to each other. I don't know if my relationship with my sister will ever be the same, I will naturally keep my guard up more with her, which is a shame as we grew up in difficult circumstances and we got each other through it. But I guess somethings change...

I think it's out of order and I'd continue to express my opinion about it until the baby was registered in the hopes they would reconsider. After that point I'd let it go I suppose. And in no way would I apologise.

But I'm obviously not as forgiving as others!

Oh pooor you OP! This is completely insane in my view! What the F is wrong with your sister? it's YOUR CHILD'S NAME!! My SiL has done the same and ALSO gone on the massive defensive since I said I found it really weird and upsetting to have 2 DCs of the same (used to be) unusual name within one small fam. Even though I was pretty f'in upset too. You're completely entitled to feel cross about this, and I am sure your parents would like it all smoothed over as it makes it hard for people when there's trouble, but you know, sometime folks are really insensitive or thoughtless and they bring trouble - it's not always up to everyone else to be OK with trouble caused by others!

At some point I reckon you need to all have a chat about it. Or some time to get your head around it. What a horrible situation you poor old bean.

I don't understand when MN'ers get all uppity about "not owning names" but completely RILED about parking.

There's so much in this thread that reminds me of my family. I was the much-wanted, adopted, daughter after three boys of their own. I've read all about the golden child/scapegoat dynamic and I've been both at various times. It's a very hurtful PITA.

OP, your feelings are absolutely justified and in your situation there's no way I would apologise. Jasmine is a lovely name, and some people (but not you!) will shorten it to 'Jaz'. From there, 'Jaz Junior' naturally rolls off the tongue, but 'Jaz Senior' definitely doesn't. Just a thought.

Hugs to you.

I don't think op is Greek or Indian where this is the norm. It's bloody weird. I would be most hurt at the grandparents leaping to her defence at your expense. What a weirdo she is. Is her dh really wet? Why didn't he stop her? Presumably as father he has a veto on names.