Sister copied DD name - but I am in the wrong - how?

[HappyBaba]

I need some advice.

My sister and I had our daughters about 6 months apart, and she has just used the same name. I am so upset. I messaged them before they announced the name, congratulating them again (I had already visited the hospital) and said I know naming the baby is completely their decision, but having exactly the same name would upset us. They completely went on the offensive and said we were being selfish.

I can’t understand why she would copy the name. It’s not a family name. It’s not a particular common name. We had and named our DD before she even new the sex of her baby. Their are no other girls in this generation of our family, so this was literally the only taken name.

We’ve heard all manner of stories from their side about why we are in the wrong, which are all lies (for example they named there baby first? How our DD was born 6 months earlier and had the name picked for our first one who turned out to be a boy over 5 years ago, before my sister was even married).

Unfortunately she has turned on the water works and is telling everyone she is upset, so the family are putting pressure on me to apologies and get the family talking again.

We were a very close family, and I can understand my parents position. They want their family reunited and I have always been the reasonable one whilst my sister has been the stubborn firery one, so they probably think they can reason/emotional blackmail me to fix the situation.

I am so upset, I never wanted to this, but to then be cast as the villain who needs to make amends for what has happened makes me feel like I am losing my mind.

By nature I am a calm and forgiving person, but their decision plus their reaction makes me feel I like I have no forgiveness to give. I feel this weight in my heart, and so while I don’t have the the capacity to forgive and I am trying to forget and move on. But my parents put pressure on me on weekly basis to fix this mess.

Should I swallow my emotion and fix this so the kids can have a relationship with their cousins and make my parents happy, or should I stand my ground?

I feel for my parents, who can see their family splitting apart
This goes way beyond the grandchildren having the same name.

It sounds like your parents have had a huge part in creating a very unhealthy family dynamic where your sister is either kowtowed to, or is treated as the golden child, and you're supposed to just go along with it. But finally you've had enough and are deviating from the 'script' by not bowing down to sister's unreasonableness this time.

Personally, the joint names wouldn't particularly bother me, but it's obviously bothering you, as it apparently would a lot of other people. The thing that would piss me off the most, more so than the name thing, is being treated as though I was the one in the wrong and being expected to 'fix' it. This would become my hill to die on, and it would be a cold day in hell before I apologised for something that is not my fault/doing. If the natural result of that meant low or no contact with the family, then that's just the way it is.

Your parents are reaping what they sowed now and don't deserve any sympathy at all.

Hang out with other people.

Your parents ought to tell your sister that she is being ridiculous. But they won’t, because they are terrified of her.

Where I come from loads of first cousins have the same name (usually a family name though to be fair).

Leads to a lot of nicknames / family position names being used within the family, but doesn't seem to cause any trouble in the wider community.

Good luck with all the family drama OP - as others have said, the name isn't really the issue here!