What should I do about my friend's 3 year old son who wrecks my house?

[mummyluvsyoo]

Help! My DS is 3.

I have a friend who has a son also aged 3. The boy doesn't speak - although he does understand language. His social behaviour is inappropriate for his age (no eye contact, no imaginative play, no parralel or co-operative play, no interest in social interaction) and he is now being assessed although they have been given a provisional diagnosis of high functioning autism.

My problem is that my friend does not attempt to impose even the simplest boundaries on his behaviour - so when he comes to the house he literally runs around, jumps on the sofas and wrecks everything in sight. If we ask him to stop he just ignores us. If my DS behaved in this way I would go and remove him from the situation - but my friend doesn't do this. On one occasion when he was in DS's room he threw all his toys off the shelves and would not share them with DS. My friend did not really try and stop him from doing this, even though I asked her to. I have not let him go upstairs since. She avoids any situation where her DS will not get his own way. On the occasions when she has got him to sit down, for example, doing colouring he grabs all the crayons and when my DS tries to share them he refuses - but my friend then tells MY(!) DS to let HER boy have the crayons - which is unfair. She does the same thing when we go to their house. So it ends up that my DS feels he has been naughty when he has not.

I thought the solution would be to just not meet at home and be in open places. However this boy is just like other 3 year olds in terms of physical development. Because he doesn't interact with DS and is in his own world I worry that my DS might get hurt, especially on climbing frames, etc. I can't even let this boy in the garden because he runs in places that he shouldn't. His behaviour in restaurants etc is so inappropriate that the whole event is just too stressful and I am left wondering why I bothered. I am also worried that DS will be influenced by this behaviour.

I am finding the whole thing very frustrating. My DS is not getting the benefit of a "normal" social interaction.
I don't want to ostracize my friend during what must be a very difficult time for her. I would like the boys to continue to play together but only if she can take steps to impose some boundaries on his behaviour. However I think that she just thinks that I am being over-precious about my house. I admit that I am tidy and organised - but I don't have a problem with children's mess - it's the destructive behaviour that I object to with my friend's son. My DS's other little friends make one helluva mess but they are never destructive in this way.

My DS likes him coming round but doesn't like when he is "naughty" as he puts it. Similarly the boy seems to like coming to our house - but unfortunately treats it like a barn! I get upset when my DS gets treated unfairly by my friend, especially in his own house, with his own toys!

It is not that I am discriminating against the boy - it's just that if my friend doesn't even try and control him then he will never learn how to behave. I don't feel this is a problem to do with his suspected autism - I would be writing this about any child who behaved in this way in my house.

So what should I do. My friend is so keen that the boys remain friends - but after last week - I don't know what to do - being with them is not an enjoyable experience, for me, my DS or my DH who has to scrape me off the floor and give me intravenous wine after one of their visits

I agree Olihan- without professional input it is impossible. Especially because most of the techniques that the man on the street tell you do not work unless the child has reached a certain developmental stage. DS1 wouldn't understand time out now, nor would he understand naughty steps. He's 8.

I don;t think the OP has been criticised for feeling this way about the boy- I think she's been criticised for having unreasonable expectations of him- and I think now she's understood that that was what was being said. I've repeatedly said she doesn't have to take him on, and I would agree that autistic behaviour is bloody difficult to be around. Both in your own child and someone else's.

Hi everyone just a quick post before I go off again for the evening. I would like to thank RnBee for your comments - I fully take on board what everyone is saying. I am still of the opinion that doing something - even on a non-verbal level, like gently removing the boy from the situation or stopping him (using my guitar as a hockey stick ! for example, is better than doing nothing at all. What I have learned through this thread is that the way we set boundaries with NT children might not, depending on where the child is on the spectrum be appropriate for ASD children.

ANd yes, my friend is in that no-mans-land of not having a formal diagnosis yet and therefore is unable to access professional help as yet. The behaviour is "bloody difficult" and TBH at this present moment I don't want it in my house - that's the bottom line.

However I will continue to offer my friendr emotional support. But as far as future "house wrecking" incidents are concerned, I am going to arrange to meet her at her house - from reading this thread, that seems to work for some people, or in the park. I will continue in this way until she gets a formal diagnosis and some help with managing his behaviour. After that I will review the house thing but I will still be her friend. I am not happy for them to come here with things the way they are mainly because I don't feel it is good for my DS generally.

I am not expecting everyone to agree with this but in the interests of supporting my friend and her DS, looking after my DS, and not losing my mind I feel this is the best way forward at the moment.

But it's hard though because last Friday after we had all been to the restaurant and play centre and she dropped us home my DS was crying that he wanted her DS to come and play - I had a migraine by then, so I said we had to go in for now. She was kind of hovering and saying that her DS was looking sad that we were going. I felt like a complete bitch - i really did, but I had just spent three hours with them and wanted some time out! I told my DH when he got home from work and he said I did the right thing and that I have to look after my needs as well. But I still felt like really really yukky.

Don't expect the behaviour to magically improve with support. DS1 is far harder now than at any time previously. We have lots of strategies in place but he a) can;t tolerate people in our house for some reason - and yes we do everything we can to not reinforce that but actually its hard to sit and talk when he's screraming in your face and trying to push visitors out the door. I can put him in his room but he won't stay there unless I physically hold the door shut. He's screaming now because he wants to go for a walk. DS3 is here so Ive told him he has to wait for my mum to turn up. She'lll be here at 5pm- he'll scream between now and then, and occasiaonlly hit himself or more rarely have a go at me. There's not a lot I can do about him screaming at me, other than insist he stops for a countdown from 10 before I take him out.

I wish behavioural strategies were the answer but often they're not a magic wand.

I only visit one friend without an autistic child, and that's quite hard work because he can (and has) easily escape from her house. So he has to be permanently followed. I was however extremely grateful to her for not making a fuss when he threw her mobile phone in the stream. yes I offered to pay for it, but I was touched that she refused. We've been friends for 35 years and I very much value her support and understanding.

moSt of tha last post is irrelevant I can';t concentrate when ebing screamed at- I'm just saying don't expect the behaviour to seuddenly go with outside help. I respond appropritely to ds1's challenging behaviours 98% of the time - and when I do something inappropriate I realise that I have. But his behaqviour can still be extremely challenging- something who couldn't cope with being with us at 3 would absolutely not manage us now. If you want to provide long term support then I really think you'll have to find another medium to do that- and that's not said judgementally- just to try and explain to some extent her son's behaviour will dpeend on his development not just on how she responds.