My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

You are not a failure
In my opinion your DH was extremely harsh to take your DD away from you if she wasn't in any danger or neglect.
Are you able to get a GP appointment asap to discuss ways to help manage the anxiety?

Oh you poor thing. Are you still having treatment from your GP? If I were you I'd start there.

Think of it as him taking her away for a short break, rather than anything permanent. Are you at work this week? Is he? Where has he taken her to?

If you are working four long days and doing all cleaning etc, would it be possible to buy in some help so that you don't have too much to do on your days off work?

You need to focus on accepting things that you don't have 100% control over. See someone smiling and chatting to friends while their kids run riot...they're happy. Their house may be messy, but what's more important?

Go visit your GP asap. Get an emergency appointment to discuss your mental health requirements. Feeling stress and anxiety is normal at points in your life but if it is getting in the way of you living your life then you need to approach it differently.

Living with somebody who is high maintainence for stress and anxiety can be incredibly tiring- as a partner I'd only be willing to stick around if I can see that you are working at progressing and dealing with your issues.

You need to be proactive as at the end of the day your worst nightmare would be to pass this behaviour onto your daughter. A happy mum= a happy kid.

Can you get an appt for before New Year to get the ball rolling?

Tbh I think he may have done the right thing in the short term. Potty training needs to come naturally and with as little stress as possible. Can you articulate why you’re stressed about it? You just expect puddles and more laundry than usual.

Maybe it’s time to look at therapy, I’m not a huge fan of suggesting it but it might help in your case. If your husband is sick to the back teeth and sees you trying to overcome your difficulties it might be fixable.

I am sorry but maybe he did the right thing if potty training is bringing you to tears and emotional pain. You need time to get better. It can't be good for your or your child to be in this situation. Assume it is what he says, temp, and see if you can seek some further help.

I'm sure you can be a brilliant family together for your child, but some time to heal without the day to day stress might just be what you need. 💐

Potty training the week of Christmas wasn't such a good idea imo. Your dh shouldn't be adding to your worries by taking dd away. I suggest you seek more than just medication for your issues.

The potty training stresses me out because I worry she won’t be able to do it... it’s ridiculous as she’s so intelligent but every milestone has triggered anxiety. I thought she was autistic when she didn’t smile by 6 weeks; I thought she had cerebral palsy because she didn’t crawl until nearly 12 months. On an intellectual level I know these fears are silly but they feel very real to me. There is a part of me that’s relieved they’ve left so I don’t have to stress about it

He did the right thing - she needs a break from your anxiety. You must go back to the doctor and explain all of this and get some proper treatment sorted out. You can't carry on like this, it will have a horrible impact on your daughter.

Well she might not be ready for it yet. Has she shown the signs like refusing the nappy, being aware that she needs to pee or poo etc? It’s not something that needs to be done by a certain age.

Why this week? Christmas week is t really a good time to start toilet training I wouldn’t have thought.

This anxiety isn’t good for you or or daughter. She’s going to pick up on it and it might turn into feeling never being good enough for you. Please go back to your gp.

In the meantime just relax as much as you can. The bairn will be ok with her dad.

Where has he taken her?
Has he been in touch with you?

My youngest didn't potty train until she was 3. You need to throw away the parenting books and follow your child's lead. You have to trust in the fact that babies and toddlers are built to learn, to grow, to move to the next stage. Your job is not to drag them but simply to walk alongside and help if they need it.

Your anxieties sound pretty full on. I think your husband did the right thing really. You need to work on yourself.

He has taken her to his mums which is good as my little girl adores her. I think everyone’s advice has been really helpful - the reason we chose Christmas to potty train was simply the convenience of being off work and at home a lot. I am going to go back to my GP and get myself sorted

Op I feel for you. There seem to be a few things going on here, I think you need some help untangling them.

Potty training over Christmas? Gove yourselves a break and congratulate yourself you made it through Christmas! My kids have always been hyper through the upheaval and timetable disruption Christmas brings.

I hope your husband comes back very soon with your daughter. I can’t speak for whether what he’s done was a good idea. Being the most charitable and assuming he’s a lovely man I think he may be feeling he has to help you single-handedly if he is your only outlet for his level of anxiety?

What your experiencing isn’t unique and many of us have gone through anxiety, but I’ve learnt that you need to get help and also that you need tools to deal with this.

You need to ask for CBT to give yob tools to deal with anxiety and catastrophising.

Also perhaps you need to get some proper therapy to put your background and feelings about motherhood into perspective. I’ve been through therapy (‘psychodynamic therapy in my case’) that has led me to reframe my relatively minor ancieties and feelings about my own personality and past experiences. It’s helped my put memories in contexts and to see where some of my personality has it’s roots. My DPs left yesterday after Christmas and I’ve just realised I have net argued with them or dwelt on my own behaviour in the way I have in the past - hope that makes some sense?

Also read some books that might help you - I’ve found Phillips Perry’s very short book ‘how to stay sane’ very useful. There’s also ‘the worry cure’ which tells you tools that CBT might - but I think you need more support than a book.

I can’t work out the share of responsibilities in your household and why it’s like that, but I personally have learnt to stop giving brain space to some things I used to- I no longer keep mental tags on my DPs possessions I the way I used to: I’ve told him this and now when he asks where ‘x’ is I tell him I have no idea and let him get on with it. This is liberating! Talking is essential though.

I hope it works out

I'm a psychotherapist, I'm sorry things are feeling so hard. You have come from a very tough background if your mum was substance abusing, and it's not surprising that parenthood, which is tough anyway, has intensified your anxiety. Try not to be hard on yourself and focus on what you need to help yourself. I don't think your husband taking your daughter away as a response to your anxiety re potty training was reasonable or productive, and it has left you no doubt feeling worse. It will also be unsettling for your daughter to be separated from you like this. Try to reunite with her, it's better for her, even if you are anxious! Children don't need to do potty training all in one go, and it would be better to just postpone it and work on your anxiety if you can't manage it now. It sounds to me like you also need help with your relationship and you could look at couple's counselling via the organisation Relate (you self-refer). It sounds really important to get help with your anxiety and your traumatic childhood through therapy. You could start by asking your GP for a referral but sadly services are often quite limited in the NHS, and you may be in a better position if you can afford private therapy. The main professional register to find a local therapist is the BACP one: www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists
Good luck and remember your little girl needs her mum. PND can make mums feel very inadequate and sadly your husband's actions have reinforced this. Don't let him remove her like this, but do work on yourself and review your marriage. And don't listen to harsh responses on here, which may also be unhelpful xx

With all due respect chloris that's a shocking response. Attacking her husband without knowing more about what was going on in this home or the impact on the child, her husband and the op, she's already said she was crying and in pain. The op had already stressed if that reallyis your profession then I'm terrified for your patients when you're doling that shit out on mumsnet without even asking more questions.

Op, it's great she's with somone she adores and the pressure is off you. Your mental health is critical and youve got the gift of time. Kids stay with their grandparents all the time due to holidays or parents work. Your daughter will be fine. Go see your doctor and get yourself healthy for all your sakes.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I just want to be clear that I think my husband left with the genuine belief that it was best for all three of us. As one poster accurately put it, my anxieties are very full-on and must be hard to deal with. I’m also a loving and caring mum (and wife) and I just need to get some help so I can see the best way forward

You sound like you know what needs to be done OP. Hope you can get the ball rolling and in the meantime get through this bump in the road.

1. you're not a failure, anxiety can be crippling and good for you for wanting to take care of yourself.
2. your daughter will be fine with people who love her, she's really young and a few days won't traumatise her.
3. You haven't lost the possibility of having a happy family. On the contrary you are working for/towards it, this is a bump on the road, not the final destination.
4. You sound like a lovely caring mum, feeling anxious doesn't make you a bad mum/person.
5. Your DH asked you and you agreed: sounds like you have good communication and that's always a good thing + well done for recognising what could help everyone, including you.
6. Chloris you must be a student, I can't believe a psychotherapist would jump in with so many assumptions.
7. OP, my thoughts are with you. You can do this. I am an anxiety survivor

As you are a high earner, would it be possible for your DH to be your DD's main carer? Possibly by him reducing, or giving up his work?
I hope he wouldn't find that idea emasculating. It could be a way to save his family, which is much more important.

It seems there's too much pressure on you between work and parenting.

Hello all, I wanted to update to see if this changes anyone's perspective. I had thought my husband was leaving temporarily but I just spoke to him and he now wants us to separate for 6-12 months so I can be happier and work on myself. He says he still wants us to "end up together" but thinks it makes sense to buy a house with his share of the equity here which feels very permanent. I think he is being genuine but I also believe it is incredibly naïve for him to think I will miraculously get better without him or my daughter in the house. He says he wants me to go out and have fun. I don't want to go out and have fun, I want the love and support of my family. Am I being unfair? I understand that i have problems i need to deal with but how will that be easier if I'm isolated from my family?

It's a tough situation for all of you. I know I can't be around severe anxiety every day though. It is exhausting and infuriating having the same conversation again and again and no matter how much you reassure, it never helps.

I was brought up by a very anxious Mum and I distance myself a bit from her now which is sad.

Thanks DoculamentDoculament - I know I need to get fixed for my daughter as her happiness and our relationship is the most important thing to me

You aren't being unfair to want it, but neither is he being unfair if he can't cope with supporting you anymore. Not because he doesn't care or expects you to just magically stop being ill. But he's probably at the point where his mh can't manage it anymore.

I think at this point you're going to have to go with it, and concentrate on your treatment. And try and see it as him ensuring your dd and his mh are protected this way, rather than it being about not wanting to support your recovery the way you'd like.