My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

I think you are a wonderfully caring and compassionate sounding person Natalie - by the sounds of it, you have done the vast majority of making your married lives work, which is a pressure without any other health concerns on top of things.

Why exactly was/is he unhappy? You don’t need to post an answer to that, I just wonder.

I am not sure any amount of unhappiness really excuses the way he has behaved to you in the last couple of days, when you sound like you are offering an enormous amount of understanding and insight in return. I guess you know the dynamics better than we do.

I feel very uneasy about this. What if he spunks his half of the money rather than buying a house then files for divorce and comes back to you for half the house? Which he would still be entitled to, btw.

I feel you need someone to protect YOUR interests, OP. The more I hear about this guy the more uneasy I am about his motives. Particularly after hearing how bad he is with money.

That is why no money should change hands without a lawyer becoming involved and making sure Natalie has her interests protected.

Him trying to get half the equity without a financial settlement for the marital assets (as part of a divorce) is highly suspect, in my opinion); ditto any other money which changes hands.

I think he's done the right thing I'm afraid, if your anxiety is that bad it IS going to have an effect on your dd and that's not fair on her, he sounds like he wants the best for all of you and so do you! Get a GP spot ASAP and start working towards feeling better. He doesn't need to wait until your completely better to move back just when it's less acute.
He's doing this 'to' you he's doing it 'for' your daughter.
This comes from personal experience, my mum had terrible anxiety and I wish someone had removed me and my brothers when we were younger and helped her. W e stayed and still all besr the scars today. She loves us conditionally but her anxiety was so difficult to live with and it took us all a long time and a lot of work to be able to function like 'normal' adults

Sorry OP but I wouldn’t trust him. I think he’s telling you what you want to hear but is planning on leaving and getting residency of your DD. You will end up keeping him and your DD financisllynwjilet he swans off with your DD. Alarm bells are ringing here, get her back. I don’t think you should trust him. You’ve been mai carer whilst also providing well financially. You’ve done very well so far to do that. Don’t underestimate yourself.

Sorry about the awful typing I have a new phone!

I agree with cheeseandbiscuit.

Why do you think you would have to keep paying him monthly money after he leaves and has had half the equity? From what you say he hasn't sacrificed his career to be your DD's main carer. It does sound suspiciously like he wants to leave you but doesn't want to lose the money so thinks he will keep getting your money if he has custody of your DD. His spending habits sound dreadful and juvenile. I can understand you wanted him to have his own money but the best way to do that is both have the same amount of disposable income to spend on yourselves. Everything else goes into the joint pot and if you are lucky enough to have lots left over it goes on investments, planning for the future, or something that you jointly agree on.

OP, you sound like an incredible accomplished woman. Could it be that he encourages you to think that you can't cope so he feels better about himself or because he resents that you are the one in the respected position ? Could be be trying to put himself in the position of resident parent so you have to pay him child maintenance ?

He can't just waltz off and make suggestions like that without sorting it our properly! However good his intentions may be.

Just living apart from your child will not help you overcome your anxiety - it could make you worse! And what about your little girl - she will miss you. If she lives with him and sees you, what, EOW and one weekday night? - you will still feel anxious about her milestones, surely?

I suggest:
You get immediate and urgent helps as much as possible for your anxiety
You tell him that you are NOT accepting his proposal, either to buy a house with your joint money (you will have to pay all the mortgage on the amount of equity released!!) or to take your Dd to live with him. I would put this in writing and keep a copy.
And see a solicitor.

It maybe that he is too nice / soft hearted to see what he is actually doing and whilst yes, letting you down gently, is also telling himself a story that he thinks this is 'helpful'.

But leaving you and taking your child is what it boils down to. It doesn't matter what his motivation is: what matters is, do you actually want that to happen?

I can see that acute anxiety could be impossible to live with.

But you can get help. You seem very self aware, and not trying to be defensive or in denial - this seems a strong start.

Good luck, OP!

Oh, and I meant to add: Ask him if he would attend couples counselling to talk about this together?

Has anyone said this child is at risk? No.
She should be with her mum, who could pay for help (nanny, therapy) if she stopped subsidising worthless husand

So glad everyone is now talking sense, good luck OP. He sounds dodgy in every way, I think so much more will unfold here.

Hi I have had really bad anxiety due to post natal depression. I did cognitive therapy plus I take a low dose of citalopram. I know when i’ve not taken it because my anxiety goes through the roof, I remember I got really worked up about toilet training with my 1st child, we found a way through though. I got help from the local surestart centre a worker came to give me support and I got a part time nanny who have lots of practical support. (I did have 3 kids as I had twins) you sound like you can afford it.

Thank you everyone for your advice, I have talked through with some friends this evening (married couple) and they've given me a whole new perspective. Whilst I acknowledge that I have issues (which I will get more help for) my husband has been cold, emotionally distant and uncommunicative. He has also let me carry the burden of running the household (both financially and in practical terms). There is right and wrong on both sides but I don't think he appreciates that.

I'm going to seek the advice/ assistance of GP, therapist, lawyer, financial adviser asap next week to prepare for a more permanent decision. Thank you Tomselleck for the recommendation of a nanny. I had not even thought of this but it would remove the over-reliance on my mother-in-law.

“I'm going to seek the advice/ assistance of GP, therapist, lawyer, financial adviser asap next week to prepare for a more permanent decision.”

Go, Natalies!

I am very pleased you have this perspective and are sounding so strong. You are provider, mother and domestic lynchpin. It sounds as if your DH is more of a contributor to your anxiety than support.

Let him know what’s what!

notafish - I thought I'd have to pay child support as I found a child maintenance calculator online and it calculated c£86 per week based on my income, the fact we have one child and child being with me 3+ nights per week.

Clearly this is an area where I need to get more specific legal advice rather than relying only on google!

To those worrying that he's after a residence order, I am seeking to guard against that. I have videos of the two of us together today (to prove continued contact) and family, friends who will attest to my being a devoted mum. I also understand that the fact I work part time to care for her will go a long way to establishing that she has a closer relationship with me than her father. And I have objective evidence that her father is financially irresponsible.

To those worrying about the equity split pre-divorce - I would only do that as part of a legal separation with a legally binding agreement relinquishing all claim on marital assets.

well done @Natalies85 It's such a huge shock. www.childcare.co.uk an easy source for a nanny and www.sitters.co.uk are good for short-term emergency babysitting (in case you need help for while at lawyer!). I am so glad you have friends to support you. I took anxiety meds for first time in my life while going through court case and stopped them after - they worked a treat!

Thank you happyhedgehog- do you mind if I ask what meds you took? I have been given two different meds before but think both may be more specifically suited to depression and not quite right for me

You could take an anti depressant, or diazepam for extreme anxiety. You could also try beta blockers?

Also look at this website get self help loads of cbt worksheets which might help you whilst you find a therapist.

Wow, Natalies, I'm so glad you've had a good discussion with your friends and you are taking steps to protect your relationship with your DD.
You're clearly a very capable woman who wants to, and can, do the best for your child.

Your DH may mean well, I don't know, but the way he wants to take things forward does not look good, and you're very wise to be looking at all the legal and financial implications.

Well-done OP! Great to see your so prepared, anxiety or not you seem really head strong and capable.

And tell him to bring your Dd back!

Private therapy is great (I am biased) and you can find a therapist via ukcp or bacp websites. My meds were propranolol but this is just a prn med (take when needed) and you may find an ssri is more suitable or something you take every day as it sounds the anxiety is more pervasive. Headspace app is great for mindfulness.