My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

That all sounds really positive, I'm pleased for you.

Just keep an eye on him. You're clearly so much more capable than he's been making out.

Reflecting on my previous post, PLEASE (I can't urge this enough) make sure you have evidence of your daughter's overnight stays with you, and evidence that he is ok with it/encouraging it.

I am so sure he is going to try the scenario I posted about and if you can prove he is happy for you to have your daughter, he can't claim that you are not

Yes, please be careful. Don't rush into any decisions.

Yes, document everything and don’t agree to anything until you have taken legal advice and have a lawyer engaged.

The best thing for your DD is a consisten pattern of care as it was before Christmas.

Have you got checked for other problems like thyroid, vitamins deficiency, including vitamin d, etc . Do you go to therapy? do you do any exercise?

You need to find the root of your anxiety problem and treat it with whatever help.

I was suffering from hyperthyroid and vitamin d and iron deficiency and was very anxious after DD 1 was born. So worth checking if there is any physical reason and take time to look after yourself and get people to help in the house and with your daughter. Yoga, taking vitamins and cranial osteopathy has helped me. Giving life takes a lot from you and you need to look after yourself as your daughter needs you.

I think it sounds like your husband wants a divorce and when he looked into it he realised how much he was likely to lose.

With you paying for everything and being the primary carer he was likely to get very little, if any, equity from your house. At least until your daughter was much older.

Making himself the primary carer, or at least 50/50 carer, is a very good way of making sure he gets a chunk of the money he'll no doubt feel entitled too.

Do you know where he keeps his bank statements? Does he have any savings? Stocks/shares etc? Take copies of everything that is in the house now and keep them somewhere safe.

He may be entirely genuine, but you need to protect yourself if he's not.

He's telling you you're not thinking straight yet pressuring you to make big financial decisions on the back of a bombshell.

He's telling you you can't cope and therefore taken away your daughter yet up until that point has not pulled his weight in terms of childcare, housework, work, financial management. And now he puts more burden on you.

He's asking you to help him buy a house because you both know he's shit with money.

You're in a strong position financially in that you can afford the help you need to get better. But he wants you to spend your money on him.

Pay for some decent therapy ASAP. Get your DD back and get a nanny. Even if a rental costs a bit more than a mortgage for 6 months, you can afford it. If he genuinely thinks this is temporary the solicitors fees and furnishings etc. would be more than the savings anyway.

None of this adds up. If he really thought you were ill and needed help he'd be making things easier for you, prioritising help for you (him pulling his weight at home, therapy, not creating a tense atmosphere by flying off the handle).

I'm sorry I think he's gaslighting you. I don't like the sound of his temper, nor his mystery spending habits, nor his push for money at this point.

GoldfishCrackers Excellent post!

Im also wary of his motives here. Are you absolutely sure he hasnt met someone else? Whatever happens, good luck with the lawyer. I hope you are doing ok.

Yes, everything he has done/is doing will be putting more stress on you, not less. Yet he's trying to pass it off as in your best interests? I don't think he's a good man or a good husband at all.

I rarely comment on these threads but I've just read all of it. Since your first post you seem to be increasingly strong and insightful. It seems to me that time away from him has significantly improved your well being.

Please don't trust him or believe any suggestions that you need to "get better". I think he is gas lighting, undermining your confidence and damaging your self esteem. i would be looking to be the primary career of your daughter using nannies/childminders to plug the gaps. I think you will be surprised how well you will manage without an unsupportive partner.

Hugs to you OP. I want to tell you something very important here. Your daughter will have many milestones in life. You need to absolutely find a way to not let your anxiety come in the way. My DD potty trained at 3.5 years. I only gently reminded her and patiently waited. Do you plan to send her to a nursery from 3 (part time - free hours?) - they will work with you to get this sorted. Your anxiety wont help it I'm afraid.

Remember, milestones are just averages. What happens if your child isn't doing maths "as expected" ? What is she is slower in picking up reading? What if she isn't progressing as fast in an instrument? Every child progresses differently. Relax and take a deep breath. Only if you can think with a calm mind, you will be able to come up with a strategy to help her. My daughter wore clothes 2 sizes smaller until she turned 5. She spend FOUR years on violin before getting grade1 (her friends who started with her did grade1 in a year). There are loads of things like this where she didn't hit milestones. On the other side, she is BRILLIANT at maths and is an extremely talented artist. IYKWIM? My son, didn't want until 18 months. My best friends son didn't speak a word until 3 (he gives headaches to his mum talking non stop now - he is 6).

You need to calm yourself down and get that anxiety in control. Don't let milestones affect you so much.

Hello everyone, thank you for your advice and kind words over the last few days, both in relation to the separation and my anxiety over milestones. I spent time with my husband at the weekend to try and talk through how we were both feeling and what outcome we wanted long term. In essence his view is that we're not happy but he would like us to be happy together in the future but he's not sure how we would achieve this. He doesn't appear to want to work on anything or have counselling, its a bit like "well you change all this stuff about yourself and I'll stay as I am".

I felt abysmal on Monday - completely unlovable and hopeless. On Tuesday I worked with a lawyer colleague to draft a separation agreement reflecting the terms we had previously discussed. He called me (after I'd emailed the agreement) to say he was surprised by how "cold" and "final" it sounded. I explained that this was a necessity as for it to be legally binding it must be very precise and factual. He was also perturbed because he "thought I would be paying £250 a month maintenance" despite the fact we are splitting custody of our daughter equally. I explained that our daughter's interests were better served by the money remaining with me as - based on past experience - I can be confident that i'll be prudent with spending, make sure all her needs are catered for and save money for a rainy day. All these interactions showed his naivety about the principles of separation and also, I think, a belief that he can pick me back up again when (or if) he wants to and under whatever terms he thinks are best.

I am hurt and appalled by his behaviour, the way he has abandoned me despite all I've done for the family and his general arrogance. I just can't see a way back for us as I would spend the rest of my life being hyper-vigilant about making sure I didn't upset him with my need for normal emotional support. I feel like he has betrayed our wedding vows. I believe he decided to do this some time ago because he can't be bothered to work through things. It wouldn't not surprise me if there is someone else although I have no evidence of this. I'm not sure I care at this point.

My little girl is very happy and well adjusted and appears to understand that mummy lives at home and daddy is living at nanny's. We are all going on holiday at the end of Feb (with family from both sides), its my intention now to file for divorce when we return and in the meantime I am taking legal and financial advice to separate assets and re-mortage in my name only.

I just hope that at some point in the future we will both be able to find people who make us happy to provide that family blueprint I so want for my little girl.

Thank you for your update, OP.

Good luck to you and your family. It will get easier.

Don't worry about having an "ideal family" for your little girl. Things will be so much better for her when you are not having to cope with a self-centred manchild in your lives.
You are doing everything possible to give your daughter a secure future.
You are not unlovable. It is your H who is failing at being a partner and a parent. You are coping wonderfully.

I am sorry I am too tired to write more.

But you are right, what you need(ed) is normal emotional support; you are not an ill, incapable person who needs their DD taken away for their own good.

Your assessment of the situation shines with clarity. Think about all the things you have achieved (and he has not valued), you will be fine - and you are right, it is your responsibility to provide for your DD, not to provide for him.

It seems wrong to say well done, as this must be sad, but well done, your DD has a mother to be proud of. I wish you all the best and I think your anxiety will settle a lot when it is just you and DD to worry about.

Oh and pffft to being unloveable. You need to start by loving yourself a bit more (so you don’t end up worn out trying to sort situations which are not your responsibility). The rest will follow in its own good time.

He was also perturbed because he "thought I would be paying £250 a month maintenance" ... All these interactions showed his naivety about the principles of separation ...

No no no, not his naivety, op, his greed. I feel his real motive here has been uncovered. He wanted to separate, and he took your daughter because he expects you to pay maintenance for him to squander her.

He isn't as naive as he wants you to believe, and I can only echo what has been said before by myself and others... In a nutshell, be VERY careful with man regarding your daughter. tale action to get her back into your care as soon as you can (hire a nanny as suggested if need be)

You sound really together and in control. You don't at all sound like the person he is trying to convince you that you are - please remember that! I'm sure there is some anxiety there, but it sounds as though he has a) being making this worse by, quite frankly, taking advantage of you and b) has being exaggerating it for his own ends.

I think you need to separate yourself from this man, and well done for all you've done so far. I suspect, unfortunately, that you're going to continue to be surprised by his behaviour, and not in a good way.

You're doing brilliantly, but everything this man is saying and doing makes it clearer and clearer that he is manipulating you, or trying to, for his own advantage. Are your own family on your side? Or do they think that women should obey their husbands and 'work on' relationships even with abusive, selfish men?

You sound so clear and focused OP, despite your 'anxiety' and having all this thrown on you. I don't see why you would be paying him any maintenance if contact is 50/50. Does the separation agreement also cover contact arrangements? In my experience, it is also helpful to have these very clear and factual. Good luck x

Thanks for updating. Hope you are doing ok.

He's been talking about the house since before he moved out, so it does seem likely he's been thinking about it for a while. I'm thinking that if he had someone else he'd be more resolute about moving it, perhaps he just imagines himself living the bachelor life in his house paid for with half the equity and his maintanance money. I suspect now the reality is sinking in that he will most likely end up living at his mum's there will be a charm offensive coming and it was all a big misunderstanding.

Natalie I have been keeping up with this thread since the first post. If you go back now and read that post and then compare it to your update of 10/01 I hope you can see the differences I do.

Throughout this thread your confidence and self worth seem to have improved massively, and I really think it's because you have stopped seeing so much of him. I suspect your anxiety was significantly worsened by his behaviour and he took advantage of that.

You are breaking free of his manipulation and doing so in a clear headed and focused manner. You should be really proud of yourself, your progress is exceptional.