My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

Potty training is no fun and your DD may not be ready. One of mine took ONE day the other SIX months they are all different but you will get there in the end.

And OP has posted another thread today about all her anxiety about milestones and that in pregnancy she had additional scans due to anxiety and before that was anxious about losing jobs without any evidence and that there is 'always something' re anxiety so as I said, not a post natal illness but deeper. Which OP is very insightful about.

Bolooooocks Even if the OP's anxiety is as severe as she's telling us, her DH's response is not helpful to her situation. He may well have taken the DD with him because he thought it best or he may have further reaching motives to gain custody as the residential parent. Either way, he has given up supporting the OP and is serving his own needs even over those of his DD. If he wants the OP well, to be able to parent and control her anxiety, this is not the way to ho about it. His actions are a last resort if the child is on danger which we've been given no reason to believe is the case. There are many more in between steps a supportive partner takes before that. She's already said he lacks affection, and was brought up spoilt and lazy and is used to other people being in control. This is about him. Perhaps he is the one who needs to sort himself out and act like a grown up.

Excellently put doculament

The only stigmatising of mh comes from those who are ignoring what op has said and trying to insist she'll cope just fine with the dd left with her. That minimises ops real problems by implying her mh isn't really the cause, and she'll just be able to overcome the worst if her anxiety if she cracks on as single resident parent. If she can't just control her anxiety with her dp there providing reassurance she certainly won't do as primary carer at this moment. I'm sure if it was as easy as just trying to control her parenting anxieties op would have done so already.

It's also undermining op to imply her own thoughts on the matter aren't correct.

Then I hope you are right and I am not.

The point is, however, that he has not taken the DD for a few days as the OP has been stressed and struggling to cope; he has taken their DD, wants her to release the equity on their house so he can buy a new place, and wants to discuss joint custody.

Wouldn’t you be struggling to cope with a job, a husband who didn’t help and childhood trauma as well as a PND history. I would. But I would also question the agenda of someone who uses that as an opportunity to spring separation and 50/50 custody on me, whilst having removed our child from her home.

Someone upthread said we will all have our own views on what is happening here. That is true and I am not sure this is helpful for OP. I am not minimising the challenges of parenting with the circumstances she has. I am questioning whether this means that she was not coping, rather than actually wanting and needing more support to keep coping, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I bow out, I am not sure this is helpful to the OP.

Sorry OP I know you don't want to hear it but I believe your DH is using this as a reason to get out. Nothing you've described sounds extreme enough to take a child away from her mother, remortgage and buy a second property and have 6-12 months separation. This sounds very suspicious, anxiety is an extremely common problem and it sounds like your very proactive in getting help.

I will get flamed for this I know I will, but get a solicitor please. What mother doesn't get stressed and cry? I think he's almost brain washed you into believing your anxiety is more extreme then it is. If you've shared the truth here then there is no excuse for the way you've been isolated and abandoned by him. You don't up and abandon ya husband/wife because they are struggling physically or mentally. Yes I know some extremes can be an exception, but you haven't described anything severe that warrants this.

What's he mean by go have fun?! I can see how a break to clear your head, set up some therapy etc for a few days may help but now taking your DD, separating and buying a house. Its far more of an extreme reaction to your anxiety then your anxiety over potty training. There's more to this and he's hiding it. You don't wanna hear that, yes I may be wrong and if I am I'm sorry. But please be opened minded and careful in trusting him

Anyone would be struggling in ops position iced. But I also think anyone in the dps position would be struggling too, and would reach the point they could no longer cope. Doing so now when it is amicable and he's still able to offer some support is a lot kinder than leaving it until he's so overwhelmed he can't offer any support.

How are you doing today op?

I think your DH did the right thing for this moment in time when you are having these anxiety problems which I'm sure you don't want to impact on your DD. However, I don't think you should agree to this being any sort of permanent or long term arrangement. I think you should both see a counsellor together and try and work out the best way forward.

Hello, I took my daughter out for lunch today (with husband). I explained I was hurt and surprised that he went from a short separation to buying a house so quickly. He said his mum is driving him mad and he’s trying to think of a more semi-permanent solution to us having space. He agreed that we should have 2 weeks space and plan nothing in that time regarding permanent arrangements and have another discussion when the dust has settled. I have been clear that I want to find a way to get healthy within the marriage and that the issues are not one-sided. I can’t be in limbo for 12 months. He said again that he wants us together but he needs a period of separation. It’s a very circular discussion to be honest. But my daughter was delighted to see me and very happy, I am seeing her tomorrow too. I will also be seeing a lawyer and financial adviser next week. I have financially supported my husband since we moved in together 7 years ago - I pay everything and he keeps his salary as disposable income. I will make sure he is not going to screw me financially but I’m happy to give him his half of the equity to sort out a nice (joint) home for my little girl.

What kind of salary are you on that he pays nothing at all? How did you come to that agreement?

I'm not sure he's entitled to anything at all let alone screwing you financially but good that you'll get legal advice.

If you are earning as much as you seem to be, I'd pay for private Psychotherapy for you. It's intensive (at least weekly, more like 2 or 3 times a week for at least 2 years) but that should help you get to the crux of really dealing with your problems.

Of course his mum is driving him mad, she is probably asking him what on Earth he thinks he is doing!

I am glad you are getting appropriate advice. Do you mean he kept his salary as disposable income for him or both of you? Make sure you have medical support too, your GP and HV are people who know your DD too.

You have been doing most of the childcare, paying all the bills and getting no support with this. Of course the issues are not one-sided, and honestly, I do wonder how much the marital issues contributed to your anxiety; I am glad you are not wholly blaming yourself any more. Space will do you both good, and I really hope you will have DD staying over soon.

OP what is he paying for on a monthly basis?

doculament - the agreement that he pays nothing just sort of happened over time. When we met he had just re-trained in a new field and was on a low salary. I am in a very senior management position and earn a lot of money. I was self-conscious about the disparity in our income and wanted to make sure he had enough money for himself. I come from a very poor background and so I keep our living expenses well within our means (the mortgage was less than 2x my salary when we bought the house) so its never really been an issue (I've never felt short and have saved a decent amount of money).

I also pay for his parents to come on holiday with us, paid for our wedding/ honeymoon (including my ring, and the suits for him and the best man). I don't know what he spends his money on as he must have about £1.5k net per month after childcare vouchers, tax and pension but he never has any savings. Twice I have had to pay several £k to get him out of debt (before our child and before we married so I knew what I was getting into).

Ironically, I think this has actually been part of the problem for him rather than me - I believe deep down he really resents being "kept" but doesn't have the gumption to do anything about it like saving or economising. He drives a nice car (leased) whilst I drive a little Renault and I shop in primark (or next for work), he wears Ted Baker etc.

Nonetheless he will be entitled to equity in the house because we bought it after we married as joint tenants (this legally means we own an equal share irrespective of financial contribution). I'm unclear on how child maintenance works if we go 50:50 on custody but having checked online he would be entitled to something like £85 per week even if she is with me half the time. I did marry him though and I went in with my eyes open on this score - if it comes to it and he'll work through this amicably then I am more than happy to give him his share and make sure he has enough money to keep up his own mortgage until dd is 18.

IcedCocoa and bollooocks - he kept his salary as his disposable income. We're "under-extended" in terms of the mortgage versus my salary so I earn enough to pay everything, save and have a bit left over myself. I'm not much of a spender (except when it comes to clothes for dd and family holidays)

Sounds like he's had a fucking good deal but as you still had enough for everything 'not gone short' and to save 'a decent amount' for yourself, it's not been a major issue. I think he's been taking the piss financially tbh but as you say, not hugely different to a 'kept woman' who has a much higher earning partner so they keep their earnings. I'd think it was taking the piss for a woman to do it by the way, but it seems to be a bit more socially acceptable. It would fuck me right off but I've seen plenty of threads on MN suggesting it's okay if a woman is doing it.

If you do 50/50 care he'll be entitled to nothing for child maintenance as far as I'm aware. The equity in the house he will be if you bought it together but I think that's about it.

I think he's not unreasonable in wanting to seperate (no-one is, it's their decision) but he's got a huge wake up call coming financially.

Out of interest - what is the disparity in your 2 incomes?

I think he did the right thing for now until you can get some help. My boyfriend is the child of an extremely anxious mother and he’s a total mess because of it. She never got any help though, but you can.

Natalie presumably he knows he has to fund himself while separated ... if he still goes with it which would be a massive change from current situation then it must mean he's been quite genuinely concerned and wants out....

I do wonder though if you had a more 'manly' figure as a husband if your MH would be a bit better. Not saying he's not a manly but he still makes money he could still contribute in mortgage etc.... these kind of dynamics never have a good ending. If and when you get back together you could have a think in changing this ...

Hi doculament - after tax the disparity is about £2.5k per month - you're right he is going to struggle financially - he shouldn't as his wage is more than enough to live on - but he isn't used to economising and doesn't understand his financial situation (he never knows what's in his bank or what his take home pay is). Assuming he gets a modest mortgage - with bills etc he is going to be £1k per month worse off than he is currently. I have actually done a personal budget for him to help - I don't want him to come back to me because he has no other options financially.

It isn't your responsibility to sort out his finances, he will have to manage that.

I agree that he must be feeling really unhappy or unable to carry on with the relationship if he's willing to 'lose' a lot of money but that isn't your problem.

Sad situation for both of you but he'll have to sort his finances out. Which he will. People learn to do that pretty quickly and if he doesn't, it's not your problem to sort out.

I think the question Natalie is what will you do if you're temporarily separated and he comes for financial help.... start preparing. In the meantime as another PP said definitely do some private sessions as you can afford them. I'm afraid some come to 300 per session but they might help you out ... good luck!

bolloooocks - he really is quite unaware financially and he probably thinks that if he moves into a cheaper area with a decent equity slice from the current house he'll have low expenses. Before meeting me he lived at home/ in student houses so he doesn't really appreciate how running a home adds up (council tax, electricity, even Tv and broadband).
I agree though, he'll understand that there'll be some change financially and has left despite this so he must be struggling.

Let him find out by himself... maybe some ownership/responsibility might help him assess things different, support people close to him and start living up to his expectations . Cause although I did support his decision from the beginning it seems he's doing fuck all and possibly you take on a burden that you haven't yourself even realised how big it is and has utterly fucked you up even more .... focus on yourself for now , possibly this move will be the best thing ever happened for you... wishing you the best, hope you get to get your little girl back x

Indeed, he must be unhappy.

Psycotherapy doesn't have to cost hundreds of pounds per session though. Lots of reputable Psychotherapy institutions offer reduced costs if you see a ' trainee' but a trainee is almost qualified, has had years of training including having therapy themselves and are very well supervised.

I don’t think you should be doing anything to help him out financially such as listing expenses etc - let him work that one out for himself and get a taste of reality.
It seems like he’s been leading quite a charmed lifestyle. I wonder if he’s thought this through ......