My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

He seems to have jumped very quickly from all living together all the time, to selling your house (have I got that right?) so that he and DD can have a house elsewhere and live separately from you.

Reducing the load on you is a good idea but making such a permanent change seems less good.

Thanks Mxyzptlk - it is a permanent change but he doesn't want me to sell our house - just remortgage to give him his share of the equity. Its very hard though, I feel desperately lonely. I've let my little girl down so badly

Can you, both, look at other ways to reduce the load on you that don't involve you and DH living in separately owned houses?
For instance, DH doing more/all childcare and housework, or you reducing your hours at work.
Or at least jointly owning DH's house as well as yours, instead of separately.
It seems he's setting things up so that a permanent separation will be easier. If that's what he wants to do, he should be honest about it.

You have not let your little girl down.

It sounds like you might want to think about proactively ensuring you have time with your daughter.
This might have to proceed through court if he's obstructive.

You've had lots of advice here and there must be a lot to sift through.

Has he said you're not to see her at all until he decides you're well enough?

Lots and lots of mums have anxiety and manage to parent their children with lots of love and fun in their lives.

Please don't be hard on yourself.

I can see this from both sides - but it isn't fair to let your little girl grow up a slave to your anxiety. You need to sort out professional help, and hopefully with treatment and some space, things will get easier for you and your DH. It must be exhausting for both of you.

You are currently the main carer for your dd? Get her back then take things from there. Your dh is undermining you.imo

You haven't let your little girl down. Anxiety is an illness you can't help anymore than a physical illness.

If you had say scarlet fever preventing you parenting how you wanted you wouldn't think you were a failure. And if your dh got to the point he could no longer avoid getting physically ill too, and took dd with him, you wouldn't be letting her down.

Failing her would be saying no, I don't want to get treatment or try and get better. Leave dd with me even though my scarlet fever isn't ideal for her to be around. And you aren't doing that.

Mh is exactly the same. Not your fault.

It's hard to guess what his long term plans are, maybe he is gently letting you down, or maybe right now he feels he might need that route if you don't get well, but is hoping that it doesn't come to that.

Am I reading the same thread?? I am reading about a man unilaterally deciding he should remove primary care from the mother just because she had pnd and is now anxious about potty training. Said mother is considered well enough to work, do all the housework, and be the primary carer up until now
Sorry, I call bullshit manipulation on that. Get her back, op, and take it from there.

Op, start a new thread with the update at the beginning, see what advice you get.

@Chloris33

I can't believe you just came up with that.

Op, sorry to hear what you are going through.

As others have suggested, you need to get help ASAP. Your husband can't "take" your daughter away from you, but as it stands it's in both your interest that your daughter is away while you seek help.

Yes agreed. I have three friends who had children removed by partners/ex-partners citing MH reasons but they turned out to be controlling, nasty, the cause of any MH issues. In one case, the woman got her son back living with her, which is wonderful, but it was a hard slog.
The sooner you get legal advice the better. The longer the situation goes on with the father as primary carer the harder it is to go back to your current status quo.

The OP openly admits she has severe anxiety and this has escalated at every milestone for the DD. Previously irrationally thinning that the child was Autistic or had cerebral palsy and has been crying, in 'emotional pain' and having repetitive conversations due to worrying about potty training.

Her DP isn't making it up.

Hello everyone, thanks again for all the advice - it is comforting to hear kind words even though you are all strangers. I don't want people to think my husband has a sinister agenda - he has said I can see my little girl whenever I feel ready too and I believe he is sincere. He has genuinely done this to try and help and because he is struggling to cope - I just don't think its feasible to separate for so long and then get back together. I also agree with the analogy used by thehogfather on scarlet fever. I see that i shouldn't be harder on myself because my illness is mental rather than physical. i think what saddens me is that my anxiety comes from a place of wanting everything to be perfect for my daughter and for her to have the happy family that i didn't have growing up. And ironically this is causing anxiety which is the only thing stopping my little girl having the perfect family.

@SuperLoudPoppingAction

3 friends? Seems a massive coincidence to me.

The truth is, there are protocols that have to be observed before a "child is taken away". Every allegation, information about the party taking custody has to be taken into account and looked into. The professionals that make this tough decisions do so with the best interest of the child in mind.

This is a very sensitive topic, more so that the OP is going through a rough patch. But please, let's be sensitive to the OP.

Well enough with the constant reassurance and support of her dp till now. But still really struggling. It's not exactly a stretch of the imagination for her dp to assume that if he isn't resident, her ability to cope might get worse before it gets better.

Also who do you think is likely to be providing the emotional support if dp isn't there? Ops need for reassurance and support isn't just going to go out the door with her dp. Which leaves her child to cope. At 2/3 it's unlikely to be of significant harm, but what about if they don't get back together, who will provide the support then? Or should he just cross his fingers and hope op copes ok and the dd is fine?

No reason to assume the dp is anything other than lovely but at his limits. If he was willing to leave his child in a situation he can't cope with he'd be evil scum.

User, once I was aware of it happening to one woman, I listened out for it over a few years.
If you re-read, I wasn't talking about social services removing a child, but of the fathers doing so.
Feel free to report the post if you think I'm somehow insincere.

No family is perfect in the typical sense op. Everyone has bad spells and has less than ideal situations at times. You're just getting yours out of the way now when your dd is young.

@Natalies85: i think what saddens me is that my anxiety comes from a place of wanting everything to be perfect for my daughter and for her to have the happy family that i didn't have growing up.

I think we are all to a certain extent trying to compensate for our own childhood when we become parents. For me it was a immense relief when I truly understood that my DD is not me, and that I am not my DM. It is NOT the same situation, and you can't undo your own childhood.

I'm sure you are a good mum and that your DH is a good dad. But as you have also observed, having children impacts your relationship. If you add to the mix illness, in your case mental illness, it's going to be even harder. I think your DH is trying to "let you down gently", but he is also protecting himself by not coming clean and telling you he wants to split up.

You can't change people, but you can change your own perception. Try to reframe it. Do you think the relationship would survive long term? Perhaps living apart is a good thing. You can still be a family, just not the kind of family you had imagined. My parents divorced, but I didn't lose my parents, and I am now leaving my DH, but I have no intention of not having a family, I am not losing my DC.

Good luck xx

I also know a couple of mothers whose husbands did this. They were controlling bastards who convinced the mothers they were not good enough. The op has said she does the majority of the household stuff and childcare, so I dont see how she is suddenly not capable. Post natal anxiety is very common. You dont usually see the fathers unilaterally deciding to move out with the child. I call bullshit manipulator once again.

Wouldnt a genuinely.concerned husband have tried, for example, doing fifty percent of the housework and childcare, first before moving out with the child? Or family counselling? Encouraged the mother to speak to her health visitor again? Helped her arrange cbt for her post natal anxiety (which is v common)
Maybe he did all this and reverted back to letting her work whilst, do most childcare and housework all by herself as another strategy?

If the op said she thinks her husband is genuine I don't think accusations of him being a nasty fucker are going to help the op. Just because you know someone whose husband was a nasty fucker doesn't mean the ops is. I'm sure she knows who she is married to. Do you all miss the bit about her pain, stress and tears?

Op, it seems your suspicions were right on thr split, and yes this is hard. You don't need to go have fun, but you do need to get healthy whilst maintaining a loving relationship with your husband and daughter, so that when you are recovered and ready you can all be together again.

I think buying a house is a bit permanent though. Would he be open to a short term rental?

numbers your reading what you want to read. I think he did the right thing, if my anxiety ever got that bad then I'd hope my dp did the same.

Op, have you tried counselling for your anxiety? If you find the root of the cause it may be easier to manage. Apologies if you've already said you've tried it. Please see the gp regardless as you don't need to suffer like this.

It doesn't sound like that's the case here, it's not manipulation to admit that you can no longer cope with a partners anxiety.

There's a big difference between being able to physically run a house etc and being able to manage the emotional needs of yourself and a child, even before you add a mh problem to the mix.

I also don't think it's helpful or sensitive to add to ops worries by sharing frightening anecdotes that have no relevance to ops situation. It's the internet equivalent of telling a child who is afraid of the dark that you knew a child eaten by a monster that crept from under their bed.