My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

Thank you Iced Cocoa. Just to be clear, my husband is not saying he wants sole custody for 6-12 months, that is very, very temporary (like a week) and I can see her whenever I like. We want to try joint custody during the separation. I think an earlier poster figured it out - he has got to the end of his tether and felt he had to leave. Given I’m struggling to cope he couldn’t leave our little girl with me so he’s took her to his mums for the very short term so I can have space and he has support (from his mum and dad) with the potty training

I have been reading back your posts. Don’t do anything financial until you have spoken to a lawyer.
If he wants you to separate and he wants the equity to buy a house, he is making sure he is okay. He has been planning this, whereas you have had it sprung on you overnight.
You are run ragged working, doing most of the housework and being anxious about your DD.
He has picked up DD, walked out, and is asking for half his equity in the space of 24 hours.

Do nothing until you have seen a lawyer, apart from get your DD home if you want to look after her. You have a right to see her, and he has taken her from her home right at the point when he knows it will be difficult to speak to anyone until next week.

Do you genuinely believe he is acting in your DD’s best interests?

X-post.
You can see her, but not have her to stay? Do you concur that you would not be able to look after her?
Who gets to decide when you can?

I am really sorry, I hope this works out, but that is one hell of an end of tether-reaching.

I completely agree with the poster above. Your husband whilst I am sure is a good man has decided he wants out of the relationship. Nobody decides to separate on the pretext of helping you and then starts talking about buying somewhere else - with you remortgaging that is only going to heap more pressure on you! How convenient for him to use your anxiety as the reason. I'm sorry but I agree with the psychologist above, whatever is going on your daughter needs you and if he has decided to leave fine, but changing her permanent environment overnight without her mother in addition will seriously traumatise her. I would do everything you can to get yer back home ASAP. And get legal advice. There is a divorce consultancy who can help with advice. I put a friend in touch with a few years ago. Your husband has an agenda whether you like it or not. See your GP and get anxiety medication ASAP and then a family lawyer in that order.
Your daughters welfare is not being prioritised and I would be very worried about her removal from the family Home.

I sometimes feel that people often men in these situations can’t win. If a new partner of the father comes on here saying that his ex is mentally ill and damaging the children the cries of well if she is that bad why did he leave the dc with her then? In this case the child’s father has felt it is in the child’s best interests to remove the child and he is a controlling arse hole.

Natalie you sound like you know yourself very well and that you know your dh and his intentions as well so I believe if you think he has the best of intentions then he has. You do need to sit and have a frank discussion with him though as to whether you feel tour dd is better with you or with him. It is hard emotionally to be subjective about this and I watched a friend agonise over it for a long time before she took the decision that both her dc were better living with their dad and her being the non resident parent. Her mental health was unpredictable and while she worked on getting better she felt her dc would have more stability with her ex. She sees them as much as she wants and is mentally fat better now than she has ever been her whole adult life although will probably always have to work at keeping it. She feels she did the right thing and she faced a lot of judgment for it but at the end of the day she knows she did the right thing with the right intentions and both dc are teenagers now and have a greater understanding of it all and a fabulous relationship with her.
Good luck in whatever you decide. You sound stronger than you believe you are and know what you have to do.

Please go to your go for help. I put this off for 2 years due to fear and not wanting to go on medication. I went onto Sertraline 3 weeks ago and it's helping so much. I really wish I'd gone sooner.

I also find hypnotherapy very helpful, especially for dealing with past issues.

I don't think anyone saying dh wouldn't leave if he was supportive has any experience of living with somebody else's mh problem.

Far better to admit he's reached his limit than to stay & risk making op worse if he breaks under the strain and becomes unable to support her at all because his mh has deteriorated. It's a lot easier to be sympathetic and provide reassurance when you aren't living with someone.

I'm so sorry this is happening at an already anxious time. I would get emergency GP appt and get some anxiety meds and some private therapy because if you are now dealing with a separation as well and discussion of custody etc these are all anxiety provoking things to deal with. Your husband does not have the right to dictate what contact you have. Don't think your dd is better off with him based on his comments, look at the facts. You may feel less anxious parenting when it is just you and dd if you can take the pressure off. Every couple I have known who have had a temporary separation lasting months have split.

In addition to what happyhedgehog says, please see a lawyer.

Here is why:

The home he is asking you to remortgage and take equity from is your marital home. It is a joint asset.

The equity he will use to buy a new home - unless he buys it in both your names- will be his, as he bought it when you were separated.

Therefore, he will have a claim on the marital home, but you won’t have a claim on the new place, without arguing it out legally.

Before you re-mortgage, you need to be clear about who owns what, and who pays for what. If he wants the new place as his, you need him to sign the marital home over to you, before you re-mortgage and release the equity to him. All of this needs legal advice and legal documentation.

Buying a new place has a permanence to it which renting does not. Therefore you need to make sure that your interests are protected.

Mental illness is an illness like any other. I am struck by the fact you say you have intrusive thoughts. If they are caused by previous trauma, then your reactions and behaviour are a response to that, and the right support and therapy will help.

But aside from normal parenting anxieties around potential neurological diversity and mobility problems, what is his evidence that this has harmed your DD? Because that is what he needs in law for it to be visitation only.

Please, please see a lawyer after your GP. You do not need to tell your H you have taken legal advice. The lawyer will help you understand your position.

What RL support do you have? You could contact Rights of Women who will direct you to support organisations.

I know you desperately want things to be okay, and you are blaming yourself, but you need to protect your interests. Chloris upthread is correct, your DD will want her normal routine and her mum.

All the best

I am also concerned that this is a back door to separation/divorce, perhaps because your DH doesn't want to upset you while you are seeking help for a MH crisis.

This is worrying because custody is not being discussed and things are happening when you're not well enough to process the inpact.

Please please please:

• do NOT make any financial decisions at this stage with proper legal advice
• seek proper medical advice for your anxiety (pay if you can to get therapy quickly)
• keep contact levels high with your DD. Can you arrange support while she is with you, e.g. a family member stays as well? Don't try to do anything stressful or ambitious - just simply relax and enjoy time together.

Wishing you all the best

If (I hope not but it's a possibility) you end up going to court they will look at the established precedent regarding contact so you need to make sure you keep seeing your daughter. Showing that you have taken proactive steps to treat your anxiety will help. Is it helpful to go to work (it may we'll be due to distraction and something to focus on)? If not, could you take some parental or unpaid leave?

Up until now, Natalie said that she did the majority of the childcare, when her H was there and in the house.
Why he is suddenly arguing that she is not able to cope, without having actually taken steps to help within the marriage, is anyone’s guess.

Not only evidence about contact from now, but everything you have done before - who did the health visitor see when she came to your house? Who took DD to nursery or childcare when you worked? Who took DD to the doctor if she needed it? All those people who saw you day to day, have they ever once raised a question about your DD’s welfare?

Has your H been supportive about your anxiety? Helped share the load?

If you have been the main carer till now, and no-one has suggested you are inadequate (outside the marital home), then there is no reason why you should not have residential contact with your DD. Forget potty training, one of my DC was three when I did this. Play, go for walks, breathe fresh air, see how you are with DD without your H to worry about, just you ( and someone who supports you, if it helps). And don’t agree to anything until you know how you are with your DD just you.

Thank you IcedCocoa. We used to split nursery drop off and pick up but all health visitor visits were just me and the latest one described the relationship with me and my daughter as "warm and loving". No-one has ever suggested problems with the way I take care of our daughter

Op this may be way off the mark, but I had quite an emotionally abusive spouse (though I couldn’t see it at the time - he would put all responsibility on me, make me feel anxious and guilty and gas light me - all without ever shouting or swearing, just a steady drip drip of ‘I don’t think you can cope’ despite the fact I was the one doing all childcare.

Everyone was so supportive of him, as he told them how hard it was ‘looking after’ me and my anxiety. He said it with such conviction I even believed him, despite knowing that he wasn’t doing jack shit.

When he left my anxiety disappeared, I know it sounds dramatic to say overnight, but once all the dust had settled I suddenly found I could enjoy my dc, I wasn’t terrified about ‘getting it wrong’.

This may not be your situation, but it sounds similar to me. All I can say is please, please, seek legal advice before giving him anything that he is asking for.

Good, that is what you need to hold onto. I doubt there are any problems with your care of your DD, you sound conscientious and caring. You have had PND and you suffer anxiety - one in four new mums do, one in four mums do not have husbands taking their children away. Please, please do not let him make you think, or argue that you are an unfit mother.

When are you seeing DD? Will she be staying overnight?

Do you have RL support?

OP says she has been 'horrifically anxious and obsessive' about potty training and the DP has tried to reassure her and they've talked about her fears several times but it hasn't helped so he suggested he take the DC to his Mums for a few days so the OP wouldn't be so stressed about the potty training. And OP agreed.

He hasn't made any indication at all that he has 'taken' the child away, wants custody or thinks the OP is unfit or unable to cope.

And OP had PND and post natal anxiety and recovered with treatment. The child is 2.5 now and the OP has another episode of depression and anxiety which is not post-natal.

Well no, that is what he said he was doing, Doculament - but then he has sprung a 6-12 month separation on Natalie, involving her remortgaging and releasing equity to him, and then also is saying she can see DD when she feels ready.

There are some words about joint custody, but whatever the motive, the fact of the matter is that this man has taken their joint child out of her residential home, on the basis that the OP was not coping. There do not seem to be any objective outsiders agreeing with this view.

I don’t want to get into an argument about what may or may not be behind this, my advice is to the OP based on the practicalities of what she has said. I personally would be very cautious about trusting a man who took our child ostensibly for a few days, then wanted a separation within the space of 24 hours, half the equity, and told me it was for my own good to get better. Natalie has quite rightly questioned how it helps her to be left in this position. My advice is that, despite this probably leaving her head spinning, she needs to make sure her interests are protected. Her H needs to slow down and stop trying to steam roller decisions through in a holiday period when Natalie can not get any support, legal or medical. If he is not willing to do that, he is not acting in good faith.

Sorry if my advice is misplaced, it is meant well.

Why persist with potty training with all this upheaval?
Can grandparents help while parents sort themselves out?
You recovered before, don't separate from your child, let him walk if he wants to, but try everything before uprooting dd

He said he wanted to separate for a time from the start (it was after that he said for 6-12 months) and he wants to talk about shared custody. OP said last night 'as I'm struggling to cope he's taken the DD to his Mum for a few days to give me some space and he can get support from his parents with potty training'. So OP recognises she's struggling to cope and she does make other references to being very unwell.

OP has been clear that was a very, very temporary plan (him taking DD to his Mums) and the aim is to go for 50/50 care. If that changes then she can make plans and I'd certainly look into legal advice ANYWAY, particularly in regards to finances and equity but currently I don't think there's any evidence to suggest that the DP has removed her child from her care or suggested at any point that she is unfit.

I think people are reading into the posts what they want to see but there are definitely warning signs here and the OP is getting good advise to proceed cautiously.

The OP said in her first message:

"He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl."

So, custody has been brought up by the OP's DH. This is all rather strange given the OP and her DH had just discussed him taking their DD away for a week to potty train and stop the OP's anxiety getting worse. This is before the OP's DH came back and said he wants to separate for 6-12 months. That sounds premeditated. One doesn't just decide such a thing on a whim overnight. For that reason, it is natural to question the DH's motives here as we have evidence of him acting without full disclosure of his intentions.

What about the DH's parents? Where are they in this? If this were my family, my parents would be offering my SIL support. They would be desperately trying to keep my DB's family together, they would be on the internet looking for advice and counsellors.

OP, have your DH''s parents contacted you or been around to visit you?

Please take care of yourself OP. You sound like a good mother and I hope your DD is not separated from you for too long.

www.smh.com.au/national/health/maternal-depression-symptom-rates-increase-four-years-after-birth-of-child-20140520-38mme.html

This is one study which shows that maternal mental health symptoms are not confined to first year of life; it cites lack of support as a risk factor. Actually, it says one in three mothers experience mental health difficulties within the first four years of a child’s life and better support is needed.

The article is Australian, but it is reported elsewhere and there is more recent research along the same lines relating to anxiety.

Please don’t stigmatise mental health issues, if the OP has a recurrence of cancer, would you be saying the same things?

I would not trust this man as far as I could throw him, to be honest, on the subject of 50/50 care, when a week turned into a separation involving equity changing hands overnight.

No-one has accused the OP of being an unfit parent, but the narrative which she believes is that she was not coping. Objectively, I cannot see this was the case as she was main carer with little support and her HV says she is a loving and caring mother. Being a working mother and having suffered anxiety, she was trying to get potty training done when she was off work. This caused additional stress. To get from that to a separation and 50/50 custody is a leap. It would be very easy for a court to make this about OP’s mental health, when it is clearly not the whole story.

But anyway, us discussing that will not help the OP. You are right, there are no lawyers and courts involved. But as soon as one parent leaves the house with your child, and starts talking about equity and custody, that is the territory you are in. Not loving,caring husband land.

OP, I truly wish you all the best. I hope you realise that your illness is just that, an illness, not a reason not to have your DD at home. Please make sure you have RL support

iced you're minimising something potentially bigger here. It's not about the usual potty training stress. OP has admitted she has issues that have been going on for a while. And HV cannot make a health assessment conclusion just after an hour's visit, let's get that straight
Only people living with OP know what's like being with her and things are apparently not rosey as she admitted as well

Icedcoca - hang on, I am in NO WAY stigmatising MH problems, I'm saying this is not a purely post-natal problem and the OP indicates her problems are deep-rooted (I've always been highly strung so not always able to see how ill I am) and related to her childhood living with a Mum with substance abuse problems.

So it isn't as straight forward as 'lots of women go through this', the OP is ill and is actually really insightful about that and about recognising the root of it. She said part of her feels relieved that her took the DC for a few days as she's been so stresses and struggling to cope.

I don't think it's fair to ignore the OP bravely admitting that and imply that the DP has accused her of being unfit in some way and of having a sinister plan when the OP has said many times that she doesn't think that's the case and she knows she's been struggling.