My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

Post natal anxiety is very common.
Yes common but not normal, plus dreadful things have happened at times as a result !

OP your husband is worried/concerned/scared as you probably know hence he did what he did. There is a chance he as a person felt better the last day away from you, or/and your DD was happier as well hence he's proposing something more drastic. I feel for all three of you, it's nasty situation. Be proactive in sorting yourself out, show fast progress and let's hope he takes it as a good sign and moves back in

Really wish you the best

big hugs for you i am guessing that your dh is as lost as you are right now and has just done what he thinks is for the best potty training can be a nightmare and you dont need any extra stress i am guessing is his thinking. please go to your GP you need help not so much with anxiety but maybe with confidence building and self esteem. do ring Samaritans if things are desperate over the holiday time and MIND is very good they may know of things to help in your area

Losing primary care of your child is a pretty drastic step from anxiety over potty training.
Poor op
Start another thread, honestly

"He says he wants me to go out and have fun. I don't want to go out and have fun, I want the love and support of my family. Am I being unfair? I understand that i have problems i need to deal with but how will that be easier if I'm isolated from my family?"

Hello all, sorry I should have said originally - I did get counselling for post natal anxiety 1.5 years ago and thought I had everything cracked. Part of the problem is that I have always been highly strung so its hard to spot when I go along the spectrum to very ill vs normal (but edgy) personality. its only in the last few days I've realised how unhealthily overwhelmed I'd become by potty training (and a bit of terrible twos tantrums). My husband is much more laid-back than I am which means he just sort of lets me get on with cleaning and managing the finances. I genuinely don't think he realises how asymmetrical the housework is for instance but his solution would be that we just don't keep the house as clean rather than him doing more. To the posters who think he is being manipulative, I'm quite sure you're wrong. We've been together the best part of a decade and there is not a bad bone in his body - he was spoilt growing up and perhaps a little lazy but that's the worst I can say about him. he's not used to managing through difficult situations (other people around him have always taken control, including me)

My Mum was capable of working and doing the housework etc. It wasn't that she needed help with.

I can tell you that growing up with someone constantly worrying that something is wrong with you is really, really damaging. I'm 39 now and although I have sympathy for my Mum I get so fucking angry when I get panicked text messages because I haven't replied to an earlier one quick enough and she thinks some tragedy has befallen me. It's fucking annoying and makes me feel like a child.

Just to recap, he wants to buy another separate house and so far seems to want to keep the dd. Thats not really about anxiety over potty training, is it?

Hello Paintingbynumbers - I did start another thread with one of the earlier updates - not sure how to link it though

Okay, well I wish you all the very best op. Have you tried family counselling? Or cbt ? What about those things you said about reducing your housework load? Will your dh do those things?

You sound very lovely, op. I really hope you feel better soon

You are putting your self under far too much pressure, she will potty train and is about the right age. See your gp and be kinder to yourself xx

Is he seeing someone else....I only ask as he is going from just leaving for abit until you sort yourself out to wanting his own house with your daughter, very odd....and I personally think from what you have said you do everything at home and work full time....what does he actually contribute to the running of a home and family....I would be very careful dealing with him as he may have a hidden agenda here....

This sounds a bit off to be honest OP. You're not going to be able to deal with family life by being removed from family life entirely.

I'd tell him as much. If you are serious about getting some real help and working through this- and he is serious about supporting you then you need him there. And your daughter.

She might remember your struggles but ultimately if you overcome them then you are an excellent role model. Do it for her. x

Paintingbynumbers this clearly isn't just about potty training but about the cumulative effect, and probably the stress coming to a head at Christmas - plus maybe him being home a bit more and seeing how things are going. Not sure it's helpful to op that you have fixated on that specific point.

Op I think you sound really insightful and really overwhelmed and I hope that whatever happens, you are able to get well and continue to be the loving mum that you clearly are, whether you and your DH are together or apart.
I had to spend 3 months apart from my DH when his depression and anxiety were really bad, he was so bleak and the DCs were actively avoiding him and also getting bleak and angry, the whole thing was awful. We're back together now and doing well, it is possible - though I have been pretty clear that he needs to seek (and accept) professional help earlier next time, if we get to that point again we are done, it was not the right environment to bring up children in. Anyway - I hope that your DH is the lovely man that you describe, and that you can sort things out soon - and if not, I hope that you are able to get really good support and someone to fight your corner in making sure you have a big role in your DDs life, you sound like a lovely mum. Good luck and I am so glad you are getting support.

Thank you runningoutofusernames - it is so helpful to hear from someone else who's been on the other side of this and your message is very thoughtful. I am glad things worked out for you and your DH got some help. Thankfully our little one hasn't shown any effects from my anxiety yet so I have that to be grateful for and I know this is my husband's priority too. I hope that my husband and I can work things out but at this point I think maybe I need to just focus on myself. I feel like I can't recover if I'm agonising about whether he'll come back

painting it won't be about one thing, it will be as op said in her first post. Not being the primary carer as the mother is not a bad thing either, lots of very loving, involved fathers are nrps. There shouldn't be any stigma if it's the mother. Most importantly it doesn't need to be permanent.

Op, focusing on you for a bit is a great idea. When you have a crap childhood yourself having your own dc can bring it all back, and all the hard memories, just when you think you've moved on. Grieving for your own missed childhood isn't unusual, and perhaps speaking to someone about that, rather than just the current anxiety symptoms might be a better solution.

Op your update did make a difference for me. In that if you feel your DH wants a more permanent break, then you have to make sure you both discuss it, you tell him how you feel and make sure any decisions you make about DD now doesn't become an obstacle for you later, maybe don't accept decisions where DH is the only one who gets to decide if you're well enough iyswim.

BUT having said that, I do believe you that your DH isn't being nasty, and that he probably is exhausted too, and this is the only thing he could think of to put DD first.

I grew up with a mum with huge anxiety problems, it was very hard, very painful and I ended up with anxiety too. I got therapy for a few years. It was really worth it.

I would say right now focus on your well-being, find support to cope with anxiety. Also, don't let the situation with DH being away stay undecided for too long, this might make you anxious too. A short break is ok, a permanent one should be discussed, in my experience having clarity always helped calm me down.

Thank you Readyforgoodnews. Do you mind if I ask what type of therapy helped you? I had 8 sessions of cbt with a mental health nurse where I learnt strategies for managing intrusive thoughts. I thought it had fixed me (in addition to medication) but on reflection I can see it wasn’t enough...

What exactly have you done to make your dh decide to leave, with your dd and buy a new home?

How have you behaved in front of your daughter?

I can’t work out that leap to be honest.

OP I had what they call Psychodynamic therapy. CBT wasn't for me as it didn't really touch the deep seated problems that were driving me insane. Also, I had a psychotherapist, not a nurse, I don't know if that makes a difference.

I was in therapy for 3 years, mostly privately. My therapist did suggest medication when anxiety was really crippling me, but I refused because I thought it would be like cheating don't ask I was very strange

Believeitornot I have not “done” anything. The last few months have been difficult and I’ve cried a lot but only once in front of my daughter(we told her I hurt my leg). Clearly this has taken a toll on my husband though and he must’ve been thinking about this for some time. As I said in an earlier post - he once us to separate for at least 6 months so that I have space to get better outside of our relationship. Buying the house is a financial motive because getting a mortgage is much cheaper than rental prices in our area of the city (he could let the house if we got back together). With all due respect I think your response sounds quite judgmental and I came on here for support and constructive advice- my family has left me at Christmas. If you don’t have anything helpful to say you know what you can do!

THank you readyforgoodnews. I will look into that therapy - I think cbt has value for managing symptoms in the moment but it won’t fix some of the stressors from my past that are causing the anxiety

Well there’s no need to be rude

I was wondering if we had the full picture because your family leaving you is shit and not a decision taken lightly. But you have accepted this decision I think.

My mum left me and my brother because of her mental health issues. So it’s not something that I’m unfamiliar with but there was a lot of build up to it.

I am really sorry, but I don’t think your husband is acting in good faith. He has taken your DD and left. The longer he has her in his care, with the narrative that you are too ill to look after her, the harder it will be to get her back.

You need a supportive GP and your health visitor to comment on whether your illness really means your DD should not be in your care. Do you really believe this to be the case? Are you too ill to look after her?

If you are not too ill to look after her, and you have been working and doing the majority of the childcare till now, then you need a lawyer to get her back in your care. Is he seriously suggesting he and DD stay away for 6-12 months so you get better and then he will come back? He is your husband, he should be supporting you, not walking off with your child. It looks like the actions of a man who is leaving you, but is dressing it up as for your own good.

What support do you have?

I am sorry if my post is not helpful, particularly as you have anxiety, but I think if you are ill, then a working marriage would be about supporting you, not taking away your child.

Take care

IcedCocoa has expressed it better than me. How can your dh think this is acceptable unless we are missing something major.