My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

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Natalie: about his proposal for the house; no it wouldn’t “be like that anyway”!

He is proposing a model where he would end up with all tne equity from your current house and still
Co-own your house, and you would be paying all the mortgage !

As for his Sky Sports watching because you would criticise his cleaning: talk about passive aggressive !

I have no doubt that your anxiety is central to some issues in your marriage, and that the more help
You get to address that the better, but some re-balancing of perspective is required.

Hi divisionbelle, sorry I don't think I explained the house thing properly. He is only asking for his 50% share of the equity not all of it. And in reaching his share of the equity I have deducted his share of the interest I paid on the mortgage and all the home improvement works that have increased the value of the equity. it still seems unfair on some level that he's entitled to anything because he hasn't contributed at all but, because of the ownership structure of the house (we own as joint tenants not tenants in common) and the fact it is a marriage asset he is entitled

Thank you superloudpoppingaction, the website and guardian article are really useful. the article exactly sums up how our household runs but then again, its still like that for most of my married friends too. It's sad and I hope things will be better for my daughter's generation

I think that you need to concentrate on making sure that you look after yourself financially and emotionally and you've already got plans to see a lawyer and a doctor. That's great. Take up the offer of medication and perhaps pay for some more therapy in the short term.

Just don't get yourself into a situation where he can claim that he is the main carer so that you lose custody. Hired help sounds great. Even a part time nanny will help. A bit of expertise and experience will lesson the worry a bit.

Also I look back at when my kids were small and the greatest advice I would give myself is relax about things. I wanted to be the perfect mother but so often you don't actually know what the "perfect" response would be. There is no perfect way. Kids will be fine with "good enough". I wish I'd have known that when they were young.

I tried potty training at 2.5 as she was showing all the signs. It didn't go to plan but then was really easy at 3 with no accidents at all. At the time these things seem massive issues but looking back they really really aren't. Kids will be ok regardless of most things we try to make perfect for them. I really wish I'd chilled out more in retrospect.

Just to add to the talk on the division of the equity and finances. When I split from my husband, who did not own the house with me, earned considerably less than me, and had not worked nor contributed financially to the home for several years during our marriage. He was entitled to 50% of the matrimonial assists, meaning my house, money and value of the car etc.

That is the starting point divorces start at. We did negotiate, but legally he was entitled to half of everything I owned because we were married.

Do talk to a solicitor as soon as you can.

My husband is a much more relaxed person

Of course he is. He has no responsibilities at all.

Being financially solvent means taking control of his own finances, not frittering a huge amount of money and still ending up with debts.

If you and your DH want to continue the marriage, he needs to be a grown up adult.

What did he actually spend his money on apart from some designer clothes and a nice lease car? Where did the debt come from? Are you sure he hasn't got a secret stash of money from somewhere?or a secret gambling habit that's an awful lot of money to spend each month.

OP I was one of the first ones to reply to your original post. Since then and now having read your updates, I think you are an amazing person. As I've said before, I have struggled with severe anxiety myself and having to carry all that load - financial, childcare etc - would definitely make it worse.
I recognise the need to make things perfect. And also, not to let others do things because "it wouldn't be done properly" (which in my head meant the way I would do it, perfectly). Back then I did end up doing a lot for everyone and didn't realise how badly it was affecting my anxiety: it only provides short time good feelings - something is done "properly" so I'm happy - but the mental load!! After years of therapy, I have learned to let go and remind myself that I'm good enough as I am. And it has nothing to do with others. Just the way I see myself.
It's so tricky when you realise that your anxiety is actually affecting your life so you kind of understand why those close to you are tired of it. But at the same time you really need their support. So it's about keeping a balance between giving them their own space but at the same not having to carry all the responsibility for whatever goes wrong in a relationship iyswim.
Once I told my then bf now dh - possible trigger warning - that my worst fear was to lose my mind and what would happen if I did, and he said "I will bring you back" and gave me a hug. It made me feel safe. I've never needed him to "bring me back " btw as that fear was just severe anxiety, not a real threat. But my point is that it's important to be with someone who you don't have to worry about because of your anxiety. Rather someone who is self confident and strong enough that they don't feel threatened by it. And I suspect this is the case for all strong emotions, not just anxiety.
Like I said it's a tricky balance but not impossible. You don't have to keep things perfect so he doesn't leave.
Sorry long post but this is a subject very close to my heart.
I don't have any suggestions re financial situation as I don't know enough about laws etc, but from what I've read, I think you're doing great .

Natalies85 I just wanted to pop by and give you strength to do what must be done.

This man is no longer your friend, you can not trust him now.

Good luck for your future with your dd. You are a strong woman, remember that.

OK - that sounds better (re teh equity) . But still, it isn't something you should enter into without legal advice, just on his say-so.

Also, in a divorce settlement (if this IS where you are headed...) the parent with Residency of the child would expect to get a higher share of the equity / house because they have the child to house.... so watch out for his tactic on that one!

Anyway, I am sure you will get all the info you need to make your decisions. You sound strong and clear.

Yeah, I'm still not sure this man is not contributing to your MH issues. There are men who will seek out vulnerable (but solvent) women to leech off, and despite portraying themselves as patient, kind, long-suffering near-carers for their 'mad' wives, are constantly undermining these wives to show themselves in a good light and take financial advantage. The fact that he does no housework, even when asked, is a big red flag.

Hello OP,

I have read all of your posts and skimmed the others towards the end. I just wanted to say that from everything you have written, you sound so reflective, insightful, caring and thoughtful. Your daughter is lucky to have a mother like you. I'd say one of your problems/issues (hate those words - can't think of another!) Is that you're so keen to make sure everything is.hunky dory for everyone else! I.e- housework, potty training, husbands financial issues. Along the line you've got lost and it's had an impact on your MH. I'm glad you spoke with your friends because they seem to have been able to point out that you do need to look after yourself. You've been so proactive with planning to seek help (gp, lawyer etc) the only bit of advice I have is to get your girl back pronto.
You'll be ok.

Hello All, to answer a few questions from previous posts:

1. whinesalot - I don't know what he spends his money on. there is a bit of gambling I know - but more like £25 a week on football results, not enough to blow his salary. the car costs £250 a month for the lease (I pay insurance) and the rest is a mystery. that is on me a little because I have thought a few times (especially after debt bail-outs) that I should make him contribute a proportion to the household just to instil some discipline. but when it came to it I felt I was being controlling if I did that. He pays for about half the groceries as well and occasional meals out. I buy presents at xmas/ family birthdays...
2. Bluesky/ divisionbelle - thanks for the additional info on the financial situation. I had thought we could split the house equity and I could keep the savings - didn't realise I'd have to split these too. Having done more research online I could also have to split furniture as well or pay for his share! even though I bought it all. I also hadn't considered that if he got a residency order he'd potentially get a higher equity share. I do need to be careful about this clearly.
3. ReanimatedSGB - I think you're right, he definitely does contribute to my mental health issues but not intentionally. When I reflect objectively he has always been quite a stressful person to be around - he flies off the handle about silly things which creates an edgy atmosphere. He's not emotionally mature and can't deal with conflict. I was with him and my daughter today and he is clearly under pressure from looking after her (despite having his mum on hand), he was stressing majorly about her being grumpy when she just needed a nap.

On another note all, my daughter is coming home to stay over tomorrow night which will be the start of a more structured routine where she splits her time between me and my husband/ mother-in-law. I imagine this would make it very difficult for husband to claim he had to take her and that she is the primary carer. I only actually had two days where I have not spent time with her and the whole duration she's been out of the house is less than the amount of time my husband spends when he goes away on lads' holidays.

You're doing great, Natalies.
It's good that you are taking a clear look at DH and how he affects you.
It sounds like you would have a much better chance to deal with your MH issues, without him living in your home.
I think the best idea would be to get your little girl back with you and let your H stay where he is.

Whether he means well, or not, his plans are not in the best interests of you or your daughter.

In terms of thinking carefully about finances, the main thing is do nothing until you have appointed a lawyer. Then reflect on the advice. You do not have to appoint the first lawyer you see (although maybe you already have one); you should look for one with lots of experience in family law, including financial settlements.

If he is stressed about DD after this time, when she needs a nap, please think carefully about what balance of her time should be spent between which houses. At the moment, your husband does not have a house of his own, and there is precedent for two nights away over the weekend. Clearly you also want a weekend with your DD yourself. But the key consideration is what is in the best interests of your DD, and what most closely follows her established routine. If you take it from that perspective, what does contact look like then? It is probably not 50/50. Even if 50/50 is what you want to aim for, then a gradual shift towards that, so he gets to know what his daughter needs and when she needs it, will be better. You are the person with the experience and knowledge of her needs if you have done the main care.

As others have said, you are a strong, capable woman. The more time you have apart from your husband, the clearer I think you will see this.

Thanks Mxyzptlk and IcedCocoa - I am making contact with lawyers tomorrow. Can't remember if I mentioned this on another thread but my team includes two solicitors - neither family law experts but they know people. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a very good day - being in work will give me a focus beyond stewing on the separation and my daughter is with me in the evening/ overnight :-)

Interesting that he's stressing about your daughter. Thought that was what he complained you did?

Well-spotted, ItsNice

wishing you a brilliant, productive and focused day tomorrow and just some chilled relaxed joy with your daughter in the evening (although at 2.5 and in the midst of change that she will be picking up on I would set your expectations low - as long as she is safe that's ok!)

Just another voice to say I wouldn't trust what your husband is up to at all. I know you say he is kind, loving etc but that doesn't sound like a man who has happy to let his wife carry the entire financial and majority of the caring role. Very glad you're seeing a lawyer next week!

How are things going OP?

Hi ItsNice, well I feel fine - being in work is a distraction of course and I am not spending hours lonely at home. My daughter stayed with me on Tuesday night and I have just got back from visiting her, she will be with me tomorrow night as well. My husband and I are staying at a hotel on sunday (a pre-planned trip) to try and discuss the longer term position away from my little girl. I have come to the conclusion that we do need a longer period of time apart but remain hopeful that we might be able to work through things. I have had my medication adjusted which is helping (although that will be a placebo effect right now) and I am working through a cbt workbook. I feel accepting of the situation as it stands - my daughter is wonderfully happy (with me, at nursery and at mother-in-laws) which is the main thing. I think with some good communication my husband and I will figure out together what's best - be that separation, divorce or getting back together

That's good news, Natalies.
Don't let him keep your daughter away from you, whatever happens. Best of luck