My husband has left with our daughter

[Natalies85]

My little girl is 2.5 years old (my only child). I suffered with PND and anxiety when she was born. My husband was very supportive but it took a toll on our marriage. It took several months for me to get better and I still take medication. At points in my life I still experience severe stress and anxiety. Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly anxious and obsessive about toilet training our daughter. Whilst I understand that I'm being irrational I have been horrifically anxious at every milestone. On boxing day I think my husband just finally got sick of the constant need for reassurance and "having the same conversation over again". We talked things through in the evening and the next day (first day of full-on potty training) I was still tearful, stressed and in pain emotionally. We talked again that evening (yesterday) and he said he thought we should spend some time apart for me to get better without the stress of being around our daughter potty training. I agreed and they both left this morning. He says it is temporary and that he doesn't want to divorce but I feel deep down that this is not true and it is a way of letting me down gently. I think this because he has also mentioned houses he might buy and more permanent arrangements on custody of our little girl.

I don't really know what I want - I know I am not happy at all but I can't figure out if this is my illness or because the marriage is not right. My husband is a great father and a kind man but he struggles to show affection. I also earn a lot more than him and pay the mortgage/ bills which I think he finds emasculating even though he has never said so. I do the majority of child care (I work four days to have more time with my daughter) and housework so I do get frustrated sometimes that everything rests on me. I think this could be part of the anxiety problem too as I carry a lot of weight to keep the family and home together.

I don't know what to do and I think I just want some objective advice. I feel desperately sad that I can't give my daughter a happy family - my parents divorced when I was little and I lived with my mum who has substance abuse problems. All I ever wanted was a happy family and I haven't been able to make it work. I feel like a failure.

The other thing I wanted to say is that the nanny idea is an excellent one - if you are reliant on your MIL. It is great that your DD adores her gran, but I suspect that 50/50 joint care means that MIL will be doing a lot of childcare not that dad will be doing it.

Which brings me to my next point. Objectively speaking, what contact/residency arrangements do you think are in the best interests of DD? From what you say, you agree that 50/50 is the way to go. However, when he took DD away, it was temporary for a week, therefore my question is whether you are well enough in yourself to have her overnight at the end of the week? Because in the original plan, she would have been home, and any more was not agreed until she was out the house.

I have been told upthread I am minimising your illness. So if this is the case, please discard what I am saying. If it was me, I would be asking for my DD home, because that would immediately make me feel things were right with the world. It is where DD has grown up, her security. Great that she loves MIL and feels happy there, but a few days visit and something that stretches into weeks are two different things.

If you need reassurance, maybe ask one of your friends to come over while DD settles at night or to be on hand, but I am really not getting why a woman who does a job, looks after a house financially and domestically, and has done the majority of the childcare is suddenly not capable of looking after her child for a night in the holidays.

Forget potty training. I understand why you wanted it sorted in your time off. Forget perfect childhood, a bit of mess and disorganisation is okay. Just be there and play and have fun with your DD. As a poster upthread said, use your money for the support you need, not on your husband. He has left, he has given you permission to do this.

I am sorry, I will stop writing on your thread now. You are a capable woman and you will sort this out, you are doing the right thing with the advice you are seeking next week.

Well, DivisionBelle put it more succinctly than me, but that is basically what I mean.

Sertrakine for anxiety and depression has worked for both my husband and I over the last few years. It relieves my anxiety hand irritatibility almost within days. I can't tell you what an uptight mess I was. I totally get the stress re potty training. But you know what? I didn't do it in the end. Both children decided by age 3 when it was time. There are accidents. But seriously leave the pull up pants on and forget it you have bigger fish to fry. The most important thing is maintaining calm for you both. Are you in london by any chance? I can recommend two therapists in sw if you are...

thank you dietcokewithlemon. I'm not London-based unfortunately but a friend has already recommended some therapists in my city for me to look up this week. ironically she's doing really well at the potty training - she's desperate to use it all the time because she sees the link to chocolate now! but its not really about this one issue I guess its the fact I always find something to worry about. a few days away from my husband and I'm beginning to see that at least part of the issue is that we're unhappy together and my stress is coming from trying to keep the family perfect so he doesn't leave me. But he has left me now and I'm ok!

Natalies I do not want ot downplay your suffering re the anxiety at all, or the potential effects on others. So please forgive me if I have misunderstood or speak out of turn. I suffer from anxiety and have at times been extremely unwell. There would have been no possibility at the worst peak (thankfully so far very rare) of me working, or even being able to get around my own house enough to perform basic self care, or think straight about anything. Just existing second to second was an almost unbearable struggle. Being anxious in the sense of over focused on one issue like the potty training or having fears about milestones sounds much less severe and very treatable. Especially since part of the pressure about the potty training was due to your husband not pulling his weight with home and work duties.

Again, I don't know you and may have entirely the wrong impression, I also know how quickly mild anxiety can escalate. I only say these things because I don't want him to be able to paint you as much more anxious or incapable than you are for his own purposes.

He has done the best thing. Hopefully your GP can help you.

Thank you itshappening, that is really helpful to hear actually and it is good perspective. I was severely anxious the first few weeks of my daughter's life and at that time I was off work and, as you say, completely unable to function beyond minute-to-minute existing. The way I am now is nowhere near that though it is still painful and not a frame of mind I want to stay in forever. In my husband's defence I think he has been terrified of me returning to that post-natal state and he has probably exaggerated my symptoms in his own mind for that reason (rather than to disadvantage me in divorce)

I identify with the “perfect” life. I had this in the grips of pnd. We had to go out and show the world we were the perfect little family. I know the reasons for this which is too long winded but since accepting i’m Not perfect and it doesn’t have to be perfect I feel so much better.

You sound very insightful OP and want this change. I can see a better future for you.

use your money for the support you need, not on your husband.

Definitely this is what you should do.

Husband can shape up and become a contributing member of your partnership, if he likes, or he can clear off.
But you don't need the burden of running his life for him, as well as everything else.

He has taken your child away and wants to keep her away for a long time.

You don't have to go along with that.

It's just struck me what an almighty cheek your DH has to ask for "his share" of the equity in your house after you have been paying the whole mortgage and he has had his salary as pocket money.

It's just struck me what an almighty cheek your DH has to ask for "his share" of the equity in your house after you have been paying the whole mortgage and he has had his salary as pocket money.

This!!

I know Mxyzltk but at the end of the day he’s my little girls dad and I don’t want her growing up with a financially insolvent dad (this was a constant source of worry for me regarding my own dad). And I know legally he is entitled to it because of the way we own the house and the purchase happening after we married. So it is cheeky/ morally dubious but legally it’s gonna go that way if we divorce anyway

Sounds to me like he know exactly how to play you, op.

he knows that you will not want him to be in a bad position financially regarding your daughter, because of your own issues with your father

he has allowed you to be the one to look after the house, knowing that you need it to be perfect for your daughter,

he has allowed you to pay the lions share of your homes running costs to give yourself that sense of financial security

a few days away from my husband and I'm beginning to see that at least part of the issue is that we're unhappy together and my stress is coming from trying to keep the family perfect so he doesn't leave me. He has you running yourself ragged keeping your home and family functioning, which has probably added to your anxiety. He has you spending all your money on the house, while he has a huge disposable income. So even though you are capable of doing that with your wage, there may be some anxiety tied up in knowing that you hold all this responsibility & he holds none.

And now he has gone, you are already feeling less stressed. That in itself is very telling, op.

Oh & the first thing he says is "his mother is driving him mad" (convenient) when you challenge him on the house!

He wants to add to your stress by remortgaging the house, and taking the equity (which is 50% yours, by the way) to buy a house for a short period of time to give you "space" (that YOU haven't asked for)

In my opinion, he will buy the house and settle your child in and in a few months time he will cite some dubious reason for not getting back together, and he will say that your daughter shouldn't be uprooted anymore and so should stay with him. He will build a life with his parents help so it looks like she is better off with him.

Tread carefully, op. I am starting to think that he isn't being as genuine as he wants you to think he is.

he’s my little girls dad and I don’t want her growing up with a financially insolvent dad (this was a constant source of worry for me regarding my own dad).

So, instead of that, your little girl has a mother who has difficulty in looking after her because of massive anxiety caused (at least partly) by coping with an unsupportive, selfish freeloader.

It's clear you've done everything with the best of intentions but you can't carry the load for everyone.
Get advice, as you intend to do, so that your little girl can be with you again, and the scenario outlined by differentname is prevented.

How much anxiety did you suffer from before you met and married this man? I appreciate that it's possible to develop anxiety/depression etc during and after pregnancy, but there is a great deal of evidence that a lot of what is diagnosed and treated as 'mental illness' in heterosexual women is in fact a perfectly rational response to living with an abusive, manipulative man.

From reading the whole thread up to this point, I can see that you appear to have higher than usual levels of anxiety (worrying that your DD has cerebral palsy or is autistic on slender evidence), and that may well be a sign of an illness that needs treatment but you also have been living with a lazy, selfish man who has been leeching off you financially and somehow convincing you that he is the important, functional, grown up person without whom you would shrivel up and die.

I think you need to consult a lawyer first and your GP second, so that even if your H is a decent man struggling to cope with a mentally unwell wife and to minimise the mother's impact on the child, your interests are protected. But I would also advise having a word with Women's Aid, given what you have mentioned about his financial abuse and mistreatment of you.

He is being sneaky and manipulative. He is also using your money? Taking your daughter. First day possible make 3 phone calls:
1.doctor who can help you physically, emotionally, perhaps marriage counsellor.

1. Legal advisor: allowing him custody now could effect your future.
2. Him. Tell him that you are seeking medical help and relate/follow legal advice regarding custody.

If you are a danger to your child, obviously you cannot care for her now, get help. Do not screw around with excuses. You could not only hurt your dd but also lose her to him. Seek help immediately.

I’m not entirely sure I trust your husband.

OP, the thing is neither you nor your DD can prevent your DH being financially insolvent. Only he can.

I mean this kindly, but differentname is correct - the only thing she has missed is that your DH is arguing that he has left because of your anxiety, thus making it your fault.

You recognise both of you have had issues. One of his is financial insolvency. You cannot fix this by channeling money to him; all this means is you have less to provide what you need to your DD in the future. He can fix this by doing what it takes to be financially responsible.

Think about it - one of the things you can teach your DD as she grows up is that one partner does not carry the load. You can teach her healthy boundaries to protect herself from the kind of situation you are in - which is that all your emotional, physical and financial energies have gone into sustaining an untenable situation. And when the cracks started to show, your husband has left and wants you to sustain it from a distance (in your own interests of course). And rather than saying - enough! you are going to carry on channelling your energies into sorting him out from a distance - for your DD.

I know you are acting out of love and compassion, but your DD is not you, because she has a mother who can prevent her being you. She has a mother who can get to a lawyer and protect her interests (and yours) and make sure that she doesn’t grow up thinking she is responsible for financially irresponsible men. That is another way of looking at it.

What would you advise your DD in your position? Model that.

Given that you have a senior job, pay all bills, do all house work/thinking, as well as worrying that your dh is running up debts with the huge disposable income you've allowed him - I'm not at all surprised you're anxious. It sounds as though you're that way inclined anyway - I am too - but I suspect you will be feeling more relaxed the longer you are away from him.

I think you need to be very, very careful with this man. Even if he doesn't have an evil master plan - and it sounds as though he actually might, I'm afraid to say - he still doesn't sound an overly decent person. He's allowed you to take care of the family in it's absolute totality, but is making you feel shit about the way you're doing it. He's outrageous.

Hello All, thank you for the advice and comments this morning.
Reanimated - I have suffered from anxiety and depression since my mid-teens. I have only had really severe/ can't function type episodes twice (aged 17 and then again aged 31 just after my daughter was born). The underlying but manageable anxiety has been worse since my daughter was born, I think now that is more because it has re-surfaced issues from my own childhood and I have put extreme pressure on myself to create a perfect family for my daughter. My husband is a much more relaxed person which is at least part of the reason I took on more within the house and generally managing the family. I am quite controlling in that respect - overtime I've ended up doing things because it "won't get done properly" if I let anyone else. I don't blame my husband for that. I do blame him for not being more proactive to help, for example I often do a five hour round trip to visit my mum with my daughter on a Saturday (she has COPD and is virtually house-bound due to health complications from life-long alcoholism). My husband would spend the whole day watching sky sports and I would need to clean the house on Sunday. I feel he could have at least tried to lighten the load, but his perspective is that I would just criticise him for not doing it properly.

Quite a few men do that. It's a cop out.
I think he takes advantage of the fact you are fairly self critical and deflects any criticism of him with one of you. Which just adds to your anxiety.
It's a bit like gaslighting too. You know there is an issue (house needs to be tidied) but it all gets turned around so you feel unreasonable.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
This illustrates how even with a partner who says he wants to do his share it can be exhausting to manage a household.

I think you would really benefit from some work to build up your self esteem so you can stick up for yourself and your relationship with your daughter.

From the outside it's clear you're capable and thoughtful and you have so much to offer. But when you talk about yourself it's to list things you see as flaws.

Wanting a house to actually be clean isn't a bad thing!