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Original poster

'No children except family children' weddings

215 replies

TiredMummyNov16 · 08/07/2017 20:58

Need to rant!

We are invited to a wedding next Saturday as all day guests. My daughter is 7 months old and we can't get a baby sitter - my mum lives a 2 hour drive away who already has important plans, and it's our MILs birthday so she has plans all day and evening. Our MIL has kindly changed her day time plans to accommodate this wedding and baby sit but she can't, and I wouldn't expect her to, change her evening birthday plans. I very politely explained this to the bride and asked if I can pop home after the speeches and bring our daughter to the evening reception. She sent a very arsey message back saying it's family children only - and basically saying no to our daughter coming in the evening. Am I wrong to be fuming?!?!? If there is family children there anyway, and it's not going to cost them anything for a 7 month old to be there in the evening, does it matter??!!? I appreciate she might have asked other people to not bring kids but it makes me so angry that people think their weddings should become an inconcience for everyone else. I'm now in an awkward position where we leave the wedding after the speaches and come home, which our MIL misses her daytime plans. OR say we aren't going at all now but cause a lot of drama between friends?!?

I just think it's so rude when bride / grooms have the audacity to say where someone can or can't take their small babies!

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WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/07/2017 21:01

YABU. We had a child free wedding; no children or babies of any age whatsoever (and I would have hated a seven month old being there, far worse than an older child).

It's their day, not yours. If you can't go, that's a shame, but your wishes do not trump theirs on their special day.

Underthemoonlight · 08/07/2017 21:02

You need to respect her decision. No one wants a baby especially on an evening do. Family children are different. Imagine her other friends asking why you have special treatment it's a blanket rule to avoid people moaning about their DC not being invited. Surely you should have sorted childcare prior to accepting the invite?

Original poster
TiredMummyNov16 · 08/07/2017 21:03

Can I ask you why you felt children were such an inconceivence to your day? In my mind a wedding should be a traditional family friendly affair anyway.

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Callamia · 08/07/2017 21:04

Just don't go.
I've had to choose not to go to a wedding when our childcare plans failed at the last minute, and I'm not a bit sad about it - it was their choice, and my baby-based problem wasn't their problem.

They just can't choose to take offence when you don't go.

Zjmlove · 08/07/2017 21:04

Yabu. It's her wedding. She doesn't want babies there . That's her choice. If it's an issue don't go

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/07/2017 21:05

Children cry (particularly babies), are loud and noisy, running around everywhere. They make it difficult for their parents to relax.

They would have been a massive inconvenience.

calilark · 08/07/2017 21:06

And the key phrase you used is "in my mind". It's not yours. It's hers. Her mind, her wedding.

MadamePomfrey · 08/07/2017 21:06

Sorry your in the wrong here it's their Day to have how they want! It was made clear on the invite your DD wasn't invited you RSVP yes under those circumstances you could have said no sorry no childcare!

MaisyPops · 08/07/2017 21:06

Personally, I think babies under 1 are exempt from the no children rules because mum may be breastfeeding etc and can be trusted to take a baby outside if they get unsettled.

I get people choosing to have no kids or no kids other than family but I do feel like infants are an exception (and certainly are based on wedding forums and ettiquette that I've come across).

IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 08/07/2017 21:06

Yeah that's pretty crappy. If there's kids there anyway what difference does an extra one in the evening make? I can understand not wanting the worry of kids kicking off during the ceremony or the speeches but in the evening?

I'd be tempted to just tell her you can't make it at all now. But then I'm petty.

Underthemoonlight · 08/07/2017 21:07

I also didn't have DC at my wedding only
our two DC, we had no other DC in the family. For several reasons were the costs if we invited one group of friends DC you would have to invite them all. Kids get crabby especially during the evening, they get bored often loud during key moments and generally hard work. Parents also tend to leave earlier and not be able to enjoy themselves. I hated going to my dbro wedding with 5year old DS. Regardless of your own decisions regarding your wedding the bride and groom are very much entitled to have the wedding they want.

CheshireSplat · 08/07/2017 21:07

Personally I wouldn't have accepted the invitation until I knew I had childcare. It's the married couple's day, so their rules.

AuntieStella · 08/07/2017 21:08

It can be whatever you like in your mind.

But that's utterly irrelevant.

Your DC are not invited. And that's all there is to it.

(PS: I agree with you, as I think weddings are family occasions, but that doesn't mean everyone else has to agree, which is why it's not relevant)

DilysMoon · 08/07/2017 21:08

I had lots of babies and children at my wedding and loved every minute. BUT it's her wedding and her choice. She can't make an exception for one non family baby and not others. So YABU unfortunately.

NerrSnerr · 08/07/2017 21:09

'In my mind a wedding should be a traditional family friendly affair anyway.'
It's not your wedding so how you think it should be doesn't matter. Just respect her wishes, if you can (or want) to go then do it, if not just decline.

I think all weddings should have free wine and flashing dance floors but it would be unreasonable for me to expect the bride and groom to have them at their own wedding just to please me.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 08/07/2017 21:09

Personally, I think babies under 1 are exempt from the no children rules

They weren't at my wedding. I would have preferred a five year old than a screaming baby with a distracted mother. Even if they take them out as soon as they've started crying, it's still disrupted the wedding.

SamoanSamosa · 08/07/2017 21:10

I wouldn't go if I were you. You can't get adequate childcare and baby isn't invited so don't go.

I personally think children should be present at weddings and they make it a lovely family celebration but it's her wedding and her decision ultimately.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 08/07/2017 21:11

I agree with your sentiments about children at weddings as my preference at my wedding was that they are a celebration for everyone important to us, including children. However, yabu to expect your sentiments to carry any weight at all, or for the bride to feel the same as we do.

Their wedding, their way: your choice is to accept the invitation or not.

As you have accepted you need to turn up, be polite and show good grace and if you can't stay until the end, you leave after the speeches as you said.

Do Sitters not cover your area? If you are reluctant to leave your child with a stranger that is of course your choice, just as how they organise their wedding is theirs.

TheUpsideDown · 08/07/2017 21:11

It's their wedding and their choice I'm afraid. It's the one event they do get to dictate, whether guests like it or not.

I wish I'd been more assertive for my own wedding. Trying to please and accommodate absolutely everyone became very stressful and my own wedding was taken over by everyone elses wants and 'needs'. I was glad when it was all over if I'm honest. And to this day I wish I'd just stuck to our original plans of going abroad with just dh, our 2 dc's and I without everyone else whingeing and whining about what THEY wanted from OUR wedding. I admire anyone strong enough to say "I'm having MY wedding day MY way. Like it or lump it"

I had children at mine, but I absolutely understand if others don't want children at theirs.

Just don't go at all if it inconveniences you. Explain to the bride & groom childcare will be impossible. I'm sure they'll understand. And if they doesn't understand they're not very good friends anyway.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 08/07/2017 21:11

I just think it's so rude when bride / grooms have the audacity to say where someone can or can't take their small babies!

I know, the nerve of some people paying thousands of pounds out and wanting their own way all day Grin

RandomMess · 08/07/2017 21:11

If she lets your DD come then is that going to cause lots of issues amongst all the other guests that were told "no DC".

It's their wedding and for whatever reason they have stipulated no DC other than family ones. Their wedding, their choice.

Just politely decline explaining you can't find childcare for that day.

dinahmorris · 08/07/2017 21:12

Can't you just go to the daytime (the actual wedding part) and then leave in time to get back for MIL to go out?

crazykitten20 · 08/07/2017 21:12

Her wedding. Stop whining and grow up. Don't go if it's such an issue for you.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/07/2017 21:13

Of course YABU OP. You were invited to a party, your child wasn't. You had a choice, find childcare and go or say no to the invitation. Why are you now trying to make life more complacated for your very busy friend? Confused

SingaSong12 · 08/07/2017 21:13

It's the couple's choice.

There may be a lot of other friends who will either have taken time and trouble to find childcare or did not attend due to not having it or not wanting to leave very young children. The bride and groom may not want to explain themselves choosing to give you special treatment or just have others making comments when they see the photos with your child there.