'No children except family children' weddings

[TiredMummyNov16]

Need to rant!

We are invited to a wedding next Saturday as all day guests. My daughter is 7 months old and we can't get a baby sitter - my mum lives a 2 hour drive away who already has important plans, and it's our MILs birthday so she has plans all day and evening. Our MIL has kindly changed her day time plans to accommodate this wedding and baby sit but she can't, and I wouldn't expect her to, change her evening birthday plans. I very politely explained this to the bride and asked if I can pop home after the speeches and bring our daughter to the evening reception. She sent a very arsey message back saying it's family children only - and basically saying no to our daughter coming in the evening. Am I wrong to be fuming?!?!? If there is family children there anyway, and it's not going to cost them anything for a 7 month old to be there in the evening, does it matter??!!? I appreciate she might have asked other people to not bring kids but it makes me so angry that people think their weddings should become an inconcience for everyone else. I'm now in an awkward position where we leave the wedding after the speaches and come home, which our MIL misses her daytime plans. OR say we aren't going at all now but cause a lot of drama between friends?!?

I just think it's so rude when bride / grooms have the audacity to say where someone can or can't take their small babies!

No , it's a family children only wedding, that is not child free but that's what you said. Just being a stickler!

I very politely explained this to the bride and asked if I can pop home after the speeches and bring our daughter to the evening reception. She sent a very arsey message back saying it's family children only

OP's words.

Is it in a hotel? Could you stay with DH and take it in turns to look after DC in the room while the other socialises?

1. You have assumed off your own back that family children will also attend the evening party. 2. The OP's child is NOT INVITED. For the OP, the wedding is either childfree or not attended.

The whole controlling bride thing is deeply unattractive. What should be a gathering of those that love you turns into a directed show where everyone must do as they're told and gush over the bride, must not get side tracked by anything else because it is their special day and everything must be perfect and it's all about me, me, me!!!

Are you for real???

I know how you feel. I was exclusively breastfeeding my 5 month old even my friend who is a nurse was getting married. I asked to bring the baby again other kids and babies were there but family. She said no, I didn't go and my dh left early. I had to respect her decision it was her day and I never mentioned it to anyone. But I was secretly horrified especially by the reply that I got.

Fennella I am merely answering your statement that the night is not suitable for a baby because booze and dancing will be present. My point is that it is likely that other children/babies will be present as OP said family children only. That's is my point.

Their wedding their choice. If you don't like it then don't go at all. Simple.

jpclarke, what did she say when she replied?

YABU if we'd have had kids at our wedding we would have had 22 children under 5 at our wedding. Distracted parents and everyone going home for 8 pm not to mention my dream day costing ££££ turning into a kiddy playground.

Kids hate weddings anyway, it's all about best clothes and behaving well - yawn.

As it turned out all our friends thought ahead and organised their childcare well in advance and agreed what a fab child free day they had.

We had 3 children from close family only.

It's so rude to leave it to the last minute to cancel. The bride and groom would have paid maybe £40-50 a head for you to attend and given you months of notice.

Yabu. It's their day and they can do it however they want. Go home yourself after the speeches if that's how long you have child care for.

To defend the bride a bit: if we'd invited the children of all our guests there would have been 35 children there. We had Nieces/nephews/godchildren, who were all flower girls/page boys, and babes-in-arms, essentially under one, which still brought us up to 12 children out of 120 guests- 10% seemed manageable.

The problem is: 1) you don't know how many children there might be if the bride and groom invited them all
2) you don't know how tight their venue capacities are- we were at the limit with ours for fire safety
And
3) you don't know how many other people might take offence if your child is there and theirs isn't. We had an 18month old whose parents didn't bring them and a 13 month old who we allowed as a baby but it's bloody hard drawing a line, and perhaps that's what is happening there. I was v laid back about the details of our wedding but the pressure from different people was immense, especially a week before. So I understand why it seems unreasonable to not allow it, and I'd do so myself, but ultimately you don't know that she doesn't have five other guests with 9-month-old triplets who'll never speak to her again if your baby is allowed and their babies aren't.

Yabu I'm afraid. Tbh it'd be weird seeing a baby at an evening do as they'd normally be asleep. I'd just leave before evening do.

At my wedding all children were welcome and there were a few 6-12 month olds there which was lovely. They'd all left by 6pm.

I agree with the idea weddings are for all ages and I'd always choose a wedding which would allow me to include children. But you have to respect the bride and groom's wishes.

no-one else who can babysit for an hour or two so you can stay for early part of evening like all the other guests will be arranging to care for their children ? brother/sister/mate/someone from nursery/childminder?

The whole controlling bride thing is deeply unattractive. What should be a gathering of those that love you turns into a directed show where everyone must do as they're told and gush over the bride, must not get side tracked by anything else because it is their special day and everything must be perfect and it's all about me, me, me!!!

Couldn't agree more. It's all so egotistical.

OK, let's try this one more time, using smaller words. The BRIDE and GROOM are having an evening do for their wedding. There will be drinking and dancing. They have said they do not want people's children there. They have included family children because it's bloody hard to avoid doing so. They want to have a nice party without lots of children. So they have said do not bring your baby to the OP not once, but twice. It is inapppropriate to try and invite your uninvited child to what is designed to be an adult occasion and where they are not welcome. The child will get nothing out of a late night of drinking, dancing and adult conversation, which is why it is not invited. To take a baby to an evening occasion to which it has not been invited and which is clearly designed towards adults is NOT APPROPRIATE. I really can't make it any simpler than that for you.

I do not try and force my baby on social occasions to which I've been explicitly told not to bring him and to which he wouldn't enjoy. Both because it's incredibly rude to try and go against what the bride and groom want, and because DS is a baby and has no interested in drinking too much warm house white wine and watching creepy uncle Steve trying to feel up a bridesmaid whilst dancing to 'Come on Eileen' at 11:30pm.

I personally have nothing against children at weddings - there were children at my wedding. But if the bride and groom don't want them there it is absolutely their choice, and NOT APPROPRIATE to bring them. At weddings where DS isn't invited, I politely decline or I find childcare. I don't try and guilt trip the bride into changing her mind, or throw a strop about it and "need a rant" all over mumsnet because it's not my wedding, not my choice.

I just think it's so rude when bride / grooms have the audacity to say where someone can or can't take their small babies!

I think it's ruder to accept an invitation knowing children aren't invited, and then expect an exception to be made. You aren't entitled to dictate guests at someone else's wedding.

The whole controlling bride thing is deeply unattractive. What should be a gathering of those that love you turns into a directed show where everyone must do as they're told and gush over the bride, must not get side tracked by anything else because it is their special day and everything must be perfect and it's all about me, me, me!!!
What on earth are you on about.
There is no indication that the bride is being a control freak.
Possible reasons have been suggested such as causing bad feeling amongst friends who were told they can't take their kids to strict numbers at the venue due to fire regs.
Its way too shirt notice not to turn up now. As others have said you should have organised yourself before accepting.

Your rant is quite ridiculous especially the comment about what your mind thinks a wedding us about. It's clearly different from the bride and groom so they get the say on this one.

They want to have a nice party without lots of children When did they say that? Are you making assumptions again?

The child will get nothing out of a late night of drinking, dancing and adult conversation, which is why it is not invited. No but it will get everything out of being with it's mother.

Fenella, presumably you're okay with taking my 80 year old granny clubbing with you then? Because she'd be invited to a wedding reception wouldn't she?

I can't believe you asked the bride this close to the wedding to change her plans.
You come across as either very entitled, pfb, or immature. I'm not sure which.
Either way something tells me you have a lot to learn and unless you change your attitude will go through life moaning like moaning myrtle, about all life's injustices.
it's not always about what you think or want

What a sanctimonious, pompous and utterly self righteous post. Ffs it's a 7 month old baby at a noisy evening do where other children will be present. Nobody is asking the bride to change any plans!

Yanbu

Yanbu it's her day. We had no sitters couldn't even manage a day doo. When I was pregnant with my DD we were invited to a wedding three or four hours away. Same rules it was one of DHs good friend so I agreed he should go on his own I stayed with DS less than 1 year old. I Didn't query it. I felt sad and left out and hormonal when it came to it. But it was the right thing for DH to go even if it meant him going on his own. He felt like a nimpty and missed us. The bride was very odd with me after for not going. But DH and any of our friends in attendance could have told her why I wasn't there.

bonbonours thankfully I have no financial, legal or emotional responsibility for your 80 year old granny and would expect her, as a grown up, to be able to take herself clubbing if she wished to go.