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Original poster

'No children except family children' weddings

215 replies

TiredMummyNov16 · 08/07/2017 20:58

Need to rant!

We are invited to a wedding next Saturday as all day guests. My daughter is 7 months old and we can't get a baby sitter - my mum lives a 2 hour drive away who already has important plans, and it's our MILs birthday so she has plans all day and evening. Our MIL has kindly changed her day time plans to accommodate this wedding and baby sit but she can't, and I wouldn't expect her to, change her evening birthday plans. I very politely explained this to the bride and asked if I can pop home after the speeches and bring our daughter to the evening reception. She sent a very arsey message back saying it's family children only - and basically saying no to our daughter coming in the evening. Am I wrong to be fuming?!?!? If there is family children there anyway, and it's not going to cost them anything for a 7 month old to be there in the evening, does it matter??!!? I appreciate she might have asked other people to not bring kids but it makes me so angry that people think their weddings should become an inconcience for everyone else. I'm now in an awkward position where we leave the wedding after the speaches and come home, which our MIL misses her daytime plans. OR say we aren't going at all now but cause a lot of drama between friends?!?

I just think it's so rude when bride / grooms have the audacity to say where someone can or can't take their small babies!

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treaclesoda · 09/07/2017 09:02

I see threads about child free weddings all the time on mumsnet. Until I started using mumsnet I had no idea that anyone ever invited children to weddings, unless they were extremely close family. I was never invited to a wedding until I was in my 20s. And I've never been to a wedding with children at it. It would never even cross my mind that someone might want to bring a child to a wedding.

Anyway, with regards to the OP. It's simple. You attend the bit that you have childcare for, then you leave as you have no childcare for the later part.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 09:03

It doesn't matter how your babies attendance looks to other people at the reception. Most people won't think anything or give a shit or be empathic. Yes there might be the odd rare measly minded person but most aren't like that.

runsmidgeOMG · 09/07/2017 09:15

We had a child free wedding during the day all but my husbands DN x2 who were part of the wedding party. We allowed children in the evening. Sadly my cousin wasn't able to attend as they simply didn't want to without them, I very much respected their decision, although they did give me notice right when the invites were handed out. (They had quite a way to travel for only the evening !)

It's her wedding, I would hate to leave a 7mo too and I wouldn't have been able to go purely down to BF so I get your frustrations but you cannot be fuming about this.
Maybe you just attend the day and go on home to your baby ?

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seething1234 · 09/07/2017 09:16

Don't go and you shouldn't have asked, it's rude.

I don't bring my kids to the reception of family weddings when they've been invited as I'll be on mummy duty the whole evening and I certainly don't want to have to listen to other people's children either, which sounds harsh but that's how I feel after spending €100++ on a babysitter.

I can imagine the bride thinking wtf when she got your text. Really you shouldn't have put her in an awkward position

Gillian1980 · 09/07/2017 09:29

I've been invited to 3 weddings since dd was born.

None stated on the invite whether kids were invited or not, so I asked the b&g, emphasising that I completely understood if it was child-free but just needed to know whether to book a babysitter.

The 3rd wedding is soon and it's going to be our first night away from dd. I'm really bloody excited!!! A few drinks and a night in a hotel - bloody brilliant 😁

Brighteyes27 · 09/07/2017 09:35

I was late getting married by which time all my close friends not only had a partner but had two Or more DC. We were just having a smal wedding during the day not inviting all and sundry and has a much bigger evening party. I asked my closest friends what they would prefer before I sent the invites out would they prefer to attend with D.C. Or would they prefer to attend on own. I was lucky as they all wanted a night off unanimously. The night do was fab a big celebration and not really a place for babies and very young children.

BlueAndYou · 09/07/2017 12:15

Out of interest, are tiny lactating infants exempt from the no child rule?

I have been invited to a wedding in November and DS will be 2 weeks old Blush The invite says no children under 14.

GinIsIn · 09/07/2017 12:21

Blue unless it explicitly says babes in arms permitted I would assume not, and you'd need to check, but tbh I don't think it's wise to rsvp yes to a wedding 2 weeks after your due date - what if you are overdue? The bride and groom would have lost money on your attendance.

ShinyGirl · 09/07/2017 12:22

No drama needed, you just can't go.

I like children free weddings the best.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 09/07/2017 12:29

Out of interest, are tiny lactating infants exempt from the no child rule?

Nope, not exempt. Or at least they wouldn't have been at my wedding.

You need to check with the bride and groom; not just assume. And if they say no, accept their answer graciously.

But I agree with PP, two weeks after is too soon. You should decline on practicality reasons anyway.

KimchiLaLa · 09/07/2017 12:35

Can I ask you why you felt children were such an inconceivence to your day? In my mind a wedding should be a traditional family friendly affair anyway.

What if your baby starts crying during the speeches? You can't say she 100% won't, she's a baby and she's unpredictable. Just don't go. She's clearly not your best friend so there's no obligation.

glitterglitters · 09/07/2017 12:36

YABU

We're unable to attend a family wedding as we have a newborn who is ebf. No babes in arms allowed. Sadly our bf relationship and my child come before other people's weddings and, quite understandably, people's weddings should come before my child's requirements truthfully.

Just don't go and take the flack op. You're only heeding their wishes.

redfairy · 09/07/2017 12:38

YABU. Your child was not invited and I think it was rude if you to ask. It must have put the bride in an awkward situation to have to repeat the no child rule back to you.
I get that it's disappointing you can't attend the whole day though Flowers

Notreallyarsed · 09/07/2017 12:43

Don't go if it bothers you that much? Asking to bring your DD was really rude, they had been very specific and I don't understand why you don't think the rules apply to you. It's their day, if you don't like it, don't go.
My cousins all had child free weddings, and as I had nobody to take DS1 for the day (single parent at the time and all my family were going to the weddings) I didn't go. No harm done.

Hulababy · 09/07/2017 12:50

They make it difficult for their parents to relax.

I hate this excuse given. Not all parents are on edge when they children are around. Some parent may even be more on edge if leaving their small baby for the day, possibly for the first time.
Have a child free weddingng if you lie but don't try to make out it is for the parent's benefit. Own the decision and admit it is for your own benefit/preference. Much much better and far less patronising for the parents imo.

People are welcome to have any type of wedding they want, and if they choose to exclude children and babies that is their choice. So long as they then accept that some guests may refuse the invitation and they don't try to guilt the guest or make them feel bad for not going to the wedding, then no problem. It is when a bride and groom set the rules and the aren't happy if guests cant come that it is a problem.

OP - you asked, they said no. Accept that, go to the service/meal if you want and still have a babysitter, then go home. If bride whinges you aren't there in the evening then ignore.

SnickersWasAHorse · 09/07/2017 12:59

Weddings are as dull as fuck. They are exceptionally dull as fuck if you are a child. Has anyone thought if the children want to go to these events where they have to sit still and behave in uncomfortable clothes eating food they don't like while adults get drunk and talk about boring shit?

McTufty · 09/07/2017 13:36

hulababy

I agree it's for the parent to decide what they prefer from their own perspective. I also don't like that reason. However the B&G for their own reasons want their guests on form. The same person can be an absolute blast and make a party when child free but when they have their little one with them they're obviously preoccupied.

Sorry to say but through no fault of their own guests who attend with children don't always make very good wedding guests. I agree it's a twatty thing to say but I reckon that's what they mean.

The other thing is that stressed parents' stress can permeate and change the vibe. I've say at a wedding breakfast on a table with a fractious baby and it affected all of us on the table, not just the parents. It wasn't a particularly chilled happy atmosphere such as I usually enjoy at a wedding.

blueandyou

Logistics aside, the default is no they're not an exemption. Start allowing newborns and it may mean there's a difficult cut off point. However while we were no kids we did invite newborns. We contacted those who would have tiny babies to say so.

Unless you're very close to bride or groom I'd suggest declining and explaining the reason is baby too young to leave. This then leaves it open to them to say to bring. I think this is far better manners than asking personally.

BackforGood · 09/07/2017 13:44

BlueandYou - if your due date is only 2 weeks before, then decline anyway - you might be in labour on the day or you might have had etither a section or a difficult birth and be struggling to do more than shuffle round your house in your dressing gown. Even if the dc is 2 weeks early and will be 4 weeks, you may well not be ready to be trying to breast feed in a strange place with loads of people around. It really isn't worth it for a wedding.

BlueAndYou · 09/07/2017 16:29

I wouldn't be overdue - He is scheduled in to make an appearance that day.

I text to ask earlier and she replied "Well of course your newborn doesn't count, he needs to come for practical reasons" Grin

McTufty · 09/07/2017 16:35

That's good blueandyou, I hope you and little one have a lovely time!

JamesSpaderMadeMeDoIt · 09/07/2017 23:54

Snickers. Hahahaha! My thoughts too!!

lalalalyra · 10/07/2017 03:05

It might simply be the numbers. Every person counts when it comes to fire restrictions in some venues. Where my best friend is married she can have 150 people, regardless of age. They are inviting her children and their nieces and nephews only. Other family children plus the children of friends would be another 30-odd places. One exception would cause huge offence to people so the line is the line.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 10/07/2017 03:20

I agree with you.. I feel Childre are part of the day and part of the fun of it all.

But imagine if you went , after being told you cant take your babg, and another friend was there and they had there child...
Could cause problems...

I just wouldnt go full stop and let MIL get on with her plans

user1499471898 · 11/07/2017 05:07

Such a shame you can't make it. Some people don't enjoy being around children. I'm getting married next year and family children are mandatory for the ceremony but beyond that, not happening. It's my decision who comes to my wedding and same goes for your friend.

TheDowagerCuntess · 11/07/2017 05:12

I feel Childre are part of the day and part of the fun of it all

This is completely subjective. Which is why some people want to invite children to their wedding, and others do not.

It always amazes me how this particular debate runs and runs.

Some people don't want children at their wedding. That will always be he case. Debating it won't change that.