Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

What do we REALLY think about mums with huge age gaps between their children?

224 replies

noseyoldbag · 31/01/2007 09:03

Right, I'll be quite upfront - I'm a regular on here but have changed my name cos i know this topic will raise some hackles! I'm interested to hear what you all REALLY think about mums who, once DC 1 and 2 have started school,think 'oooh, what shall i do with my life now...i know i'll pop out another one!' I know several mums where this has been the case -they've admitted as much. IMO it's selfish and indulgent, both financially (in one case i know the husband had spent years slogging away on overtime so mum could be a SAHM and then she practically pressganged him into having another kid so she didn't have to work) and also emotionally selfish cos in many ways it's easier to focus on another baby than the changing needs of older children.
I know the usual arguments - in a sense any child is an 'indulgence'- we all have babies cos we want them etc and I've nothing against larger families. I'm just interested in this particular scenario, cos it seems to be quite a trend round my way for SAHMs in particular to pop out DC3 and maybe 4 once the older ones are at school.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
LaDiDaDi · 01/02/2007 11:26

I actually think that Pitch has got a point and that what she is saying is not the same as the op.

I'm sure that there are women out there who do have another child because they feel a bit lost when their older ones are at school and are not sure what direction to take in life. So what?

I want big gaps for other reasons.
So what?

I think the OP is wrong to judge but I think it's odd to pretend that the situation she describes, or certainly less extreme versions of it, don't exist.

Pitchounette · 01/02/2007 11:30

Message withdrawn

drosophila · 01/02/2007 11:45

I worked with a guy who maintains his wife did this very thing. They had two girls and he worked and she worked as a SAHM. He was always really broke and tired (there were a couple of problems with the kids). He had a personal hygiene problem largely due to him being exhausted. He wore clothes that were very old and shabby.

He desperately wanted his wife to get back to work and was counting down the days until they were at school. She then got pg. he moaned a little to me but I had to say that he could have protected himself which he admitted and just said he was weak. I really felt sorry for him though.

I have a big age gap (5 years) but that was partly to do with not being able to afford childcare for two so I waited until ds was in school and partly cos I ain't that fertile.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

mammamic · 01/02/2007 11:52

Wow! I've 'skimmed' the thread and it's probably one of the most heated i've read (admit, don't get as much time as i'd like to read and join in). Some child psychologists say that 3 - 5 years between dc's is probably best when considering development etc. so the 'big gaps' being referred to may not be so big at all. My DD is nearly 3 and i'm only just starting to think about having another. A new mortgage and job meant the last thing on my mind was having another baby. It's like anything in life.... circumstances, age, finance, type of child you already have must all influence when you try for more. there are 7.5 yrs between me and my youngest sibling - and there are 4 of us!! we hated it as children as we had to share everything and had no quality time of our own with parents but as we got older, we loved it as we could go clubbing together, on holiday etc. we are all very close now. What i find most interesting about this thread is how aggressive some of the reponses seem to be. the original post touched a nerve .

NadineBaggott · 01/02/2007 11:59

Lord! is this still going?

How can you care so much about age gaps of other families children?

It beggars belief!

ScottishMummy · 01/02/2007 12:20

Gotta say i agree with Nadine and Kitty expat in scotland et al NOB its NONe of ur business

its a bit cowardly to post using a psueudnoym just to raise peopple hackles

its not as if ur using a psueudnoym to mprotect anonymity as ur discussing personal subject or disclosing an experience

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/02/2007 12:29

omg! just saw the title and thought 'who cares?'
its everyones personal choice no?

what must people think of me with 14m between mine, denying ds1 of his childhood? etc etc.
i dont care.my life, my kids.

NAB3 · 01/02/2007 12:31

Some have huge gaps because it takes that long to conceive.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/02/2007 12:35

agree. it took me ages to conceive ds1, then ds2 took 4 months! less than that actually as i was out of action for a bit! lol
i was thinking i would like another, but not atm, i thought when they start school as i dont think i could look after 3 at once.
how indulgent and selfish of me! lol

NAB3 · 01/02/2007 12:39

I have 3. People tell me I must have my hands full. How nice of them to tell me as I hadn't noticed.

Pitchounette · 01/02/2007 12:54

Message withdrawn

drosophila · 01/02/2007 14:38

I am surprised that it causes such a strong reaction - the op that is. She has had experience of it so may just want to throw it out there to see if her view is echoed. Does it matter if she changes the nickname?

berrycherry · 01/02/2007 15:05

I actually agree that it isn't anybodies business why or when people have babies< and nobody should judge etc etc etc, but I actually have a close friend who had her 3rd (and 4th - they were twins) when her 2 ds's started school and she still maintains her motivation was fear of being on her own, and wanted to remaina SAHM, and having her twin girls gave her all that and a whole lot more. She is just very comfortable with the reasons why she did it and even jokes thats why she ended up with twins! oh - and she is VERY happy with her decision!

catsmother · 01/02/2007 16:35

I haven't read all the replies, just the 1st few and the OP.

Frankly, I found that a very condescending and pointless thing to write as however a family decide to "arrange" themselves, that's their business.

I have 2 children and there is a gap of 13.5 years between them. There was certainly no sinister motive in this great big gap and I would have love to have had a 2nd child sooner, but all sorts of circumstances prevailed which meant I couldn't.

Despite having a gap which apparently some people might find "selfish" or "indulgent" (why it should matter to anyone but the family concerned I don't know) I certainly don't fit the stereotype of the lazy mum suggested. I have only ever been a f/t SAHM for 2 years of my life, worked 9-5 the rest of the time and got a 1st class degree whilst a single mum. I am now "at home" looking after my daughter but I work full time during evenings and weekends.

Even if I had been a SAHM and then had another just as my youngest went to school I really don't see why that's anyone else's business. Noseyoldbag may still be harbouring feelings of resentment at being displaced by her younger sister, but this hardly renders every other family with similar gaps as selfish.

BTW, I'd question how many large gap babies are accidents, or unilateral decisions made by women alone. Far from being immaculate conceptions, I'd wager that the largest majority are mutually planned children, and, shock horror, there is also a man fully involved in their conception.

NOB comes across as quite a misogynist actually.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2007 18:13

So, do these women keep having children when the youngest one starts school? Er, no.

SnafuOutOfHiding · 01/02/2007 18:15

I REALLY couldn't care less.

MrsMills · 01/02/2007 18:16

After just skimming through this thread it appears that nobody except the op had anything controversial to say about this subject.

I think we're all in harmony on this one, other than NOB of course.

Stiller · 01/02/2007 18:17

What a boring topic to get all wound up about. I couldn't give a toss what people thought of my kids age gaps.

whatisthepoint · 01/02/2007 18:18

I have 2 brothers they are 13 & 15 yrs older than me and I'm glad my mum had me!! Does it matter whatever the reason as long as the child is wanted and loved - that is the most important thing surely !!

Piffle · 02/02/2007 16:25

as funny really as if somehow loking after an under 5 is easier than finding "gainful employment"
Yes having a child every 5 yrs is not the soft option IMO

lizziemun · 02/02/2007 18:39

My mum is thirteen years older then her sister.

My aunt is only 6 years older then me.

noseyoldbag what would you think of me then as the're will be 3yrs 8mths between dd and the one i'm pg with now, this is not a choice we made we have been ttc since dd was 10 mths old. I just don't fall pg that easy.

thethirdwisemonkey · 02/02/2007 19:01

up to the individual I reckon. There's a 9 and 13 year age gap between me and my sisters, I was unplanned but was always told I was a lovely surprise however, my dad went for the snip after I was born, just in case

AllieBongo · 02/02/2007 19:02

i had no choice and there is 4 and a half years between mine. Some people can't just say "mothercare" and then fall pg

thethirdwisemonkey · 02/02/2007 19:03

PS i agree with Stiller - I can't really say I give it any thought at all just like I don't think oohh baby factory if there's a small age gap.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page