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Original poster

What do we REALLY think about mums with huge age gaps between their children?

224 replies

noseyoldbag · 31/01/2007 09:03

Right, I'll be quite upfront - I'm a regular on here but have changed my name cos i know this topic will raise some hackles! I'm interested to hear what you all REALLY think about mums who, once DC 1 and 2 have started school,think 'oooh, what shall i do with my life now...i know i'll pop out another one!' I know several mums where this has been the case -they've admitted as much. IMO it's selfish and indulgent, both financially (in one case i know the husband had spent years slogging away on overtime so mum could be a SAHM and then she practically pressganged him into having another kid so she didn't have to work) and also emotionally selfish cos in many ways it's easier to focus on another baby than the changing needs of older children.
I know the usual arguments - in a sense any child is an 'indulgence'- we all have babies cos we want them etc and I've nothing against larger families. I'm just interested in this particular scenario, cos it seems to be quite a trend round my way for SAHMs in particular to pop out DC3 and maybe 4 once the older ones are at school.

OP posts:
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NotAnOtter · 31/01/2007 10:57

i agree!
I have 5 children and guess what??? A gap
sady its because i needed help to get pregnant and after waiting for a coule of years it then took time and many tears to get number 4
Sorry to offend you

madmarchhare · 31/01/2007 11:00

Madonna has a huge gap between her front teeth, what do you really think about that?

CountessDracula · 31/01/2007 11:00

I don't think this op even merits a response, clearly just trying to cause grief

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JustUsTwo · 31/01/2007 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oxocube · 31/01/2007 11:04

How lovely Fio! Suspect this is a very thoughtless and hurtful wind up

Tutter · 31/01/2007 11:04

i was just about to post the same thing - i don't really think anything about it

chipmonkey · 31/01/2007 11:06

NOB, I have
ds1 10
ds2 8
ds3 2
I suppose it was selfish of me to have ds3 but we get by because we are all quite fond of him really!

nulnulcat · 31/01/2007 11:07

ideally i would have had 3 children close together but i split up with dd dad! i am now in a new relationship and we want more children together but he is about to go to afghanistan then we want to get married so there will be a 6 year gap between my kids! but i think this is a good thing as i can give my second child loads of one to one attention which some of my friends who have theirs close together feel the baby misses out on as they spend most of there time running round after there toddlers!

kandi · 31/01/2007 11:09

Blimey, I would never deign to think other people's family planning was any of my business . I really would never give it another thought, and I can't for the life of me think how having a baby many years after the previous one could ever be selfish. A baby is always a blessing, I think.

TenaLady · 31/01/2007 11:10

havent read thread but it is something I notice and would probably conclude they were on a second marriage.

jampot · 31/01/2007 11:11

are you in a shite area or an exceptionally good area Noseyoldbag? Either way I expect you dont fit in to your particular area if everyone else is doing this and you object. Maybe you resent the SAHM popping another out?

LittleSarah · 31/01/2007 11:12

Wind-up indeed. Deliberately provoking OP and then disappears...

In reply (why why why?), if I ever have another child there will be a long gap, as I am a single parent right now so can't really do it any other way.

My parents had my younger brother and sister (twins) when my sister and I were eight and five, because they wanted them. My mum went back to work after (and then to uni) so it wasn't so she could be a SAHM, which everyone knows is bloody tough anyway.

Wordsmith · 31/01/2007 11:23

What a strange OP. Does anyone else really care when and how other mums have their kids?

Original poster
noseyoldbag · 31/01/2007 11:40

Wow even more contentious than i thought

OP posts:
Original poster
noseyoldbag · 31/01/2007 11:54

My reason for posting was curiosity i guess borne out of my own experience. I was the 'indulgence': my mother had dd1, age 10 and ds, 8 when i was born. I remember as a young child being very indulged (by dd1 as well as parents) for a while but from the age of about 5 i know they were quite resentful. Family holidays and activities tended to revolve around me eg mother wanted me to have seaside hoidays as with dd1 and ds, and they were then dragged along when they must have been wanting to do other things. And then when i was 8 mother had dd3, and after being the centre of attention i felt really displaced. As an adult i have managed to keep a fairly good relationship with my brother but tbh my older sister is very distant and things have always been rocky with little sister. I realise this may be my mother's issues rather than purely the age gap - i was born in 1960s and i think there was more of an expectation that mothers stayed at home and had kids, whereas my mother was an intelligent and dynamic woman and would have benefitted from having a more rounded life. Also, she adored babies and young children but found it very difficult to relate to us as we got older and more independent.I'm not suggesting there's a right age gap, but from my experience as a child i do worry that spreading out the child bearing can for SOME women, NOT ALL, be a way of living your life through your children rather than developing your own life, and also a way of repeating the bonding experience with a new baby as a way of avoiding DEVELOPING the bond with older children. this is def what my mother did, i'm not saying everyone is like this.

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 31/01/2007 13:19

So what you're really asking is what we think of what your mum did. Well seeing as none of us were there at the time, how can you expect any viable comment? The spacing we choose or whcih happens between our children is more than often a result of good or bad luck or family circumstances, I really don't think you can generalise.

elliott · 31/01/2007 13:26

What I tend to think is (if there is a long gap between each/all children); either they find pregnancy/babyhood very difficult; or there was a reason why they couldn't conceive again quickly (infertility, illness, money, whatever) or they just prefer dealing with one child at a time and have the luxury of not having to get on with it!
Having said that I do know someone who went to great lengths to have another baby after her family was apparently completed - and I think she should really move on in her life from the baby stage. But, hey, I don't think its a big deal - baby will be fine, probably she will be fine as long as a grandchild appears before the last baby has grown up

WideWebWitch · 31/01/2007 13:34

So come on, who are you normally then? Yellow bellied indeed.

I have a 6yr gap and when anyone comments I say "different husbands" which is true.

FluffyMummy123 · 31/01/2007 13:34

Message withdrawn

KTeePee · 31/01/2007 13:44

NOB, I think we are all affected by our own childhoods and in my case I found the fertility problems I had between dd and ds1 very hard precisely because there was a large gap between me and my siblings and I felt we were never close growing up (though I am quite close now to the eldest two). I was worried the same would apply to dd and her sibling if it ever arrived...

My consultant pointed out that lots of children are not close to their siblings even when there is a small age gap.

As it turns out, my three all play really well together, in spite of the age differences, much to my surprise and relief!

funkimummy · 31/01/2007 13:46

My Mum had relatively large gaps between my sister's and I.

I'm 28, next sister is 23 and next sister is 17.

Mum had lots of miscarriages in between pregnancies. People often make the assumption that there are big gaps because my Mum remarried (she didn't. My Mum and Dad have been together for 35 years!)

I like having the extended age-gap, because it means we are all individuals and often have a real mix of things to talk about!

Lorina · 31/01/2007 13:47

You cant assume anything from an age gap. There a million reasons for having a large age gap.

One of my sisters is 14 years younger than me. I'm very glad to have her ! How tragic for both of us if our parents had not been able to countenance the age gap

lulumama · 31/01/2007 13:51

on ly read the OP. will read the rest later

i got pregnant with my second child when DS was in reception .

why?

not because i was a stay at home mum, bored and wanting a diversion, or because i am emotionally selfish (like wanting to concentrate on your baby when an older DC is at school is selfish.......)

because my PND after DS was so horrific, i was unable to get pregnant again,so had many years of worry i would never have more children

i don;t ignore the changing needs of my older child because i have to keep on my toes, not to leave him out and make sure his homework , reading and general happiness is attended to aswell !

so it was lovely to be able to rest and enjoy my pregnancy while DS was at school and have quality time with DD while DS at school , and time with DS when DD napped, went to bed etc....

after the emotional trauma of what happened after DS, i deserved to be able to enjoy this baby

lucy5 · 31/01/2007 13:52

A bit of the green eyed monster, me thinks!

Fimbo · 31/01/2007 13:57

Hmm, I wonder how many people assume that because I have a 5.5yr age gap between my 2 that dh is not dd's father.

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