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Original poster

What do we REALLY think about mums with huge age gaps between their children?

224 replies

noseyoldbag · 31/01/2007 09:03

Right, I'll be quite upfront - I'm a regular on here but have changed my name cos i know this topic will raise some hackles! I'm interested to hear what you all REALLY think about mums who, once DC 1 and 2 have started school,think 'oooh, what shall i do with my life now...i know i'll pop out another one!' I know several mums where this has been the case -they've admitted as much. IMO it's selfish and indulgent, both financially (in one case i know the husband had spent years slogging away on overtime so mum could be a SAHM and then she practically pressganged him into having another kid so she didn't have to work) and also emotionally selfish cos in many ways it's easier to focus on another baby than the changing needs of older children.
I know the usual arguments - in a sense any child is an 'indulgence'- we all have babies cos we want them etc and I've nothing against larger families. I'm just interested in this particular scenario, cos it seems to be quite a trend round my way for SAHMs in particular to pop out DC3 and maybe 4 once the older ones are at school.

OP posts:

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rivig · 31/01/2007 10:08

I actually know two mums who spaced their children out and so it did seem as if they were doing it to have an excuse for staying at home. One of them certainly did it for that reason she told me before the last one was born but the other I don't know. Some mums find it difficult to cope with them close together but some mums might be frightened of going back out to work, it's not a nice place!

Aloha · 31/01/2007 10:10

What do I really think? I think they are very lucky to have another lovely baby, and feel more than a bit

Babies are lovely, but IMO, even lovelier with a bit of a gap between siblings.
My friend has had number three with the two older ones at school. They are all so incredibly happy. No sibling rivalry, the big ones adore their baby sis and the baby worships her big sisters. Everyone's a winner!

saadia · 31/01/2007 10:11

In answer to the OP I think it's up to them if they want more children.

If someone wants a big family in some ways it makes sense to have the 3rd and/or 4th when the first two are at school.

There are so many factors involved in the timing of having children I really don't see why it's anyone else's business. If I have a third I would be shocked if I thought people were judging me for this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

stleger · 31/01/2007 10:14

I have a friend who had a baby when she was 18. She brought him uo alone with the help of her family. Fifteen years later Mr Right came along and she now has a 3 year old and a school-leaver. I think she is great and lucky. Her only problem is the older son will not push the buggy, in case he is mistaken for her toyboy.

imnot27 · 31/01/2007 10:15

Just read through this thread, wtf with judging mums on their childbearing choices? Honestly, it's only Wednesday! FioFio, My 3rd popped up inexpectedly when dd was 8 and ds was4, so similar to yours, also am also student, and work parttimte in between breeding. Has worked out reallly well, the relationship between now 11yr old and 2.5 yr old is lovely, they are actually very close. We are all very glad it has happened. I found a bigger gap easier to work with, just personally, also feel I got to enjoy each childs baby time, as the older one was at preschool etc. But there are advantages each way, it is a difficult job to bring up kids however you do it, but also so rewarding and wonderful that we ALL deserve a packet of chocolate hobnobs just for being mummies!

wanderingstar · 31/01/2007 10:16

Can we stop this thread now please ? Nosy-cowardly-old-bag has got what she wanted hasn't she ?

Everyone in a tizz about what is a completely non-issue for any third party...

imnot27 · 31/01/2007 10:19

Oh, nice to have a chat though, dontchathink?

exbury · 31/01/2007 10:20

I read the OP assuming "big gap" meant 10+ years - in which case I would think (as much as I thought about it at all) - "afterthought" - or "accident" - my brother is one, his best mate the other - both 10+ years younger than siblings.

4-5 years is NOT a big age gap. We have a 4 year gap and it was a deliberate decision because I hated being so close in age to my older brother (19 months). We were lucky to be able to have DD when we "planned" - DS took us 2 years to conceive.

BTW, I am a WOHM and having a larger gap has screwed up my career far more thoroughly than 2 in quick succession would have done. Selfish?

LucyJu · 31/01/2007 10:21

I don't REALLY think anything at all. Certainly not "lazy old bint... the things some women will do to get out of going to work!".

If I was ever really bored and speculating about it, I might think...

Maybe they were trying for years, before they finally got lucky (this is what happened to me - dd1 was 5 when dd2 was born).

Failed contraception.

Finally thougt they could manage another child now that the older one is more independent.

Possibly improved financial situation.

New relationship.

Maybe one of the parents has wanted another child for years, and has finally persuaded the other to go for it.

But, actually, I don't see why it should be any of my business.

marymillington · 31/01/2007 10:26

isn't it more an issue that our society simply doesn't place enough value on mothering, and that a SAHM with children at school is also considered selfish and lazy? or the flipside that its incredibly difficult to find work that is flexible enough to allow mothers to meet the needs of their older children? or that employers chronically undervalue the skills "returners to the workplace"?

totaleclipse · 31/01/2007 10:26

Why do you assume that these women have another baby so they dont have to go back to work? I mean really, is'nt going to work full time a damn sight easier there are a million reasons why people choose to have another baby later on, and its no-ones business but thiers!

BuffysMum · 31/01/2007 10:28

I know people who planned a family of 4 with a large gap between 2nd and 3rd to make it 2 groups of siblings close in age etc. It's their business no-one elses pros and cons to all age gaps etc etc etc etc

LadyMacbeth · 31/01/2007 10:28

Well I intend to have my third when dds start school - having two pre-schoolers close in age is bloody hard work. Why would I want to have a third so soon? I need a break physically and emotionally and dh and I need to have some serious quality time for each other - which is NOT going to happen if we have a third right now!

My mum had my sister 10 years after me and my brother were born and it was lovely for all of us - she was a real gift to the family!

Oh and btw, the only reason I may NOT have a third is if a career gets in the way and I decide it's best not for my professional prospects. But I doubt it - I hope I will be able to find a balance between the dcs and a job/career - which I can't really fathom right now with a one and a two year old at home!

FioFio · 31/01/2007 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MamaMaiasaura · 31/01/2007 10:37

trip trap?

You know wahat.. the reason I will have ahuge age gap is due to conception issues. We would love another child and are going through tthe throws of treatment. Ds is 6 and at school so I wonder if i fit into the OP catergory. Also, although I work part time as a staff nurse I would be a full time SAHM. My partner has actually said he would prefer me to be a SAHM. I can honestly say I have never looked at a mum and gossiped or judged them on their family age gaps cos you dont know their home situation.

the OP is either a troll or the name fits imo

Blu · 31/01/2007 10:45

It sounds as if you are teeming with issues, tbh!
Are you envious of SAHMS, bitter about earning power, wish you could have done the same thing?

Can't for the life of me think why this couldn't have started as as post under your usual name about the way people space their families...but really it comes across as a big jugmental splurge by you...that's what is contentious!

suedonim · 31/01/2007 10:49

at the OP! I've got bigger gaps than most, 4.5yrs, 8yrs and 9yrs between mine, but none of them arrived in this world because it was easy to 'pop out another one'. I wish it was that easy. As for the stupid idea that older children's needs are neglected when a new baby arrives...oh fgs PARP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

princessmel · 31/01/2007 10:52

I don't really get this. There a lots of reasons why. Maybe they couldn't actually get pregnant the traditional 18 months after the last baby. Maybe they didn't want to.

I am actually PLANNING to have our third once dd is at school or nursery.

I don't feel I should justify this as I'm happy with my choice.

When we try for a third my ds and dd will have to share a room and before this age I wouldn't be happy with that. They are both wakefull and I prefer them separate at the moment.
Also I'm a bridesmaid twice next year so I don't want to pregnant or have a newborn for the weddings.
Finally I feel that by then when dd is 3 ish I'll feel ready to go through pregnancy , labour and the newborn stage again.

marthamoo · 31/01/2007 10:52

There are almost 5 years between my two - ds1 had just started in reception when I had ds2. Perhaps it looked like I was desperately trying to avoid going back to work and hoping to cling on to my SAHM-dom so I had another baby.

The reality was 2 years ttc, then a miscarriage, then another 6 months ttc before I got pregnant with ds2. It was a heartbreaking time.

I always sigh inwardly when I hear people ask "what's the best gap?" or "I'm planning the next one when this one is two" - how lovely...it doesn't work like that for everyone.

Gobbledigook · 31/01/2007 10:52

God what a hideous OP. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Just who the hell do you think you are??

aderyn · 31/01/2007 10:52

Since some of the children in our country start school just after their 4th birthday, I would have thought it was quite common for people to be pregnant or have a baby at that same time. A 4 year age gap isn't THAT big.

piglit · 31/01/2007 10:53

And incidentally, I used to be a hot shot lawyer working hideous hours blah blah blah. Piece of piss compared to 2 dses with only 12 months between them. However, I was a hot shot lawyer when I had no children and no responsibility (oh those were the days ). Wouldn't want to/ be able to go back to that job right now.

marthamoo · 31/01/2007 10:54

Oh and Fio - congratulations !

Astrophe · 31/01/2007 10:54

what a weird op

I have 2 kids and am planning 2 more when this lot are of school age. I want four, but don't have the energy right now, and want to devote time to the 2 I have while they are so young.

Also, for the record, I love being a sahm, and I don't want to work outside the home. DH is very happy for me to be at home with the kids, and also wants to wait a few years before more kids.

Whats it to you?

Gobbledigook · 31/01/2007 10:57

Oooh Fio - congratulations!! HOw exciting!

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