Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

this is my favourite rubbish joke at the moment...

what do you call a judge with no thumbs?

Justice fingers

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!!

Beckham has missed training for several days in a row, so Fergie goes round to his home to see what's going on.

Beckham opens the door, he is looking dishevelled and obviously hasn't slept for days.

"Baby playing you up?" asks Fergie.

"No Gaffer, it's this jigsaw. I'm obsessed with it. It's got a beautiful picture of a tiger on it and I just can't do it. I can't think about anything else - it's driving me mad. Could you help me Gaffer?"

Fergie is desperate for his star player to return so he agrees and follows David in to the sitting room.

"See Gaffer, there are all these bits and pieces and I just can't get them to fit together properly and make the beautiful tiger" says David.

"Put the Frosties back in the packet David" Fergie replies.

Did you here the one about the acid bath murderer...... lost both his arms trying to pull the plug out.

A little brown paper bag wasn't feeling very well one day, so he decided to take himself off to the doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel so good" said the little bag.

"Well," said the doctor "you look okay, but let's do some blood tests and see if we can find out what's wrong with you. Come back and see me in a week."

The little brown paper bag wasn't feeling any better when he went back to get the results.

"What's wrong with me, doctor?" He asked.

"I'm afraid you're HIV positive" said the doctor.

"NO!" cried the little bag, "I can't be! I'm only a little paper bag!" "Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"No, I told you, I can't do things like that! I'm only a little paper bag!"

"Well then, are you having a homosexual relationship?"

"No, I've already said, I can't do things like that. I'm only a little paper bag for heavens sake!"

"In that case," said the doctor "there's only one possible explanation..."

"Your mother must have been a carrier."

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when
all a
man
has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's
license
in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: My, you look good in brown
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty quid
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate

(Excuse the strange punctuation, I copied it from a forwarded email!)

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed.

He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" .

To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey.

I love you too..."