I don't generally go for battle of the sexes humour, finding it more of a tragedy than a comedy, but I couldn't resist the example below, currently circulating by email, so apologies if you've already read it (I hadn't til this week)
Amazingly, due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to publish a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a few a excerpts from the British edition:
CAR PARKING
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ?Swing? on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
FILM CONFUSION
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th of October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch ?The Ipcress File?. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2mins 40 secs before asking ?Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the glasses??, This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of ?633 Squadron? before asking ?Is this a war film, is it??.
INCORRECT DRIVING
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km(313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
JUMBLE SALE MASSACRE
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised $5.28 for local boy scouts.
GOSSIPING
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs Blatherwick?s affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.
GROUP TOILET VISIT
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs Beryl Crabtree got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
SINGLE BREATH SENTENCE
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she?d had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.
LARGEST NUMBER OF GROCERIES PURCHASED BY A WOMAN WHO JUST POPPED INTO SAINSBURYS FOR A PINT OF MILK
Miss Rebecca Jones of Moreton Road, Watford made history last week when she popped into Sainsbury's for a pint of milk, emerging 2 hours and 4 minutes later with 2 trolleys containing 194 items of shopping, costing an amazing £289.34. She explained, "I only meant to get the milk, but then I decided to stock up on cat food as well, and I ended up doing the whole month's shopping!"
The record breaking attempt was timed by her boyfriend, Mr James Gunnel, who was waiting in the car outside.
Bloody cheek eh! I mean, don't men ever forget to let the handbrake off?
Obviously the women must reply to this, how about the following for starters:
Largest number of domestic chores ignored in a one hour period.
Mr Colin Raymond of Beacon Park Rd in Cardiff ignored 782 domestic chores between 3 pm and 4pm on the afternoon of Friday 2nd February 2002 while his wife Catherine popped out to the hair dresser. These ranged from washing up (each item was counted as a separate domestic chore), tidying away mess made by the children during the hour (ditto), hanging up his coat, clearing up a spilt glass of orange juice in the kitchen, checking the oil in the car, filing his paperwork, DIY including fixing 4 shelves, 7 squeaky doors, and a broken tap, changing 5 dead light bulbs and putting a new roll of loo paper in both upstairs and downstairs lavatories, starting the washing machine and wheeling the dustbin to the gate. As the hour progressed, rain started pouring down, but Mr Raymond successfully ignored 6 open windows and a row of washing hanging out in the garden. He also pretended not to see his 3 children fighting right in front of him. By the end of the hour, a small fire was burning in the downstairs cloakroom, but Mr Raymond managed to ignore that too, bringing his total to an amazing 782 jobs to do in and around the house which he had successfully ignored.
Longest continuous period of silent sleep.
On 11th August 2001, Mr Dave Smith of Northumberland Avenue Reading achieved a time of one minute and 12 seconds of continuous sleep without farting or snoring. The timer was started at the moment Mr Smith?s eyes closed and he began breathing regularly, and stopped in a hurry 72 seconds later when he gave an enormous fart. Everyone then left the room except Mr Smith who did not wake up.
Longest period without mentioning any non sport or motor related topic.
Mr Andy Irvine, of 3, Shepherds Way, Aberdeen achived an amazing 3 months, 23 days, 1 hour, 8 minutes and 51 seconds between 2nd May and 25th August 1998 without speaking about any topic other than sport or cars. The record was taken by his wife Emma. Mr Irvine said, ?Of course, the fact that the world cup, the British Grand Prix and our annual holiday occurred in the middle of the record breaking period definitely had something to do with it?. Had mortgages and lager been included as allowed topics, Mr Irvine would have achieved nearly double his record.
Healthiest meal eaten by a man
Mr Ian Shawe, of Honiton Way, Exeter ate half an organic wholemeal piece of toast while watching Man Utd play Leeds in the final of the FA Cup. ?I had no idea my wife was going for the Guiness Book of Records? said Mr Shawe. ?I ate two whole mouthfuls before I realised what she had done, and drank 24 ml of organic freshly squeezed orange juice. But now I am in the Guiness Book of Records, I have forgiven her.?
Closest attempt at putting an empty tea packet in the bin.
Mr Brian Jones of 3, Meadow Leas, South Shields came the closest to putting an empty tea packet in the bin when he made himself a cup of tea on 4th January 2002. Having taken the last tea bag, he placed the tea packet on the surface directly above the bin, which was in a cupboard under the work top. This was a distance of 32 cm from the centre of the bin lid, and breaks the record which previously stood at 33.5 cm, set by Mr Adam Jarvis, a student, in 2000.
Best attempt at form filling in
Mr Jack Hillman, of 1, Danes Yard, Shrewsbury, broke the record for filling in a form without asking his wife for assistance on 29th December 2001. He managed to write his name and the first line of his address before asking his wife Hilary, ?Can I have a new biro, this one?s run out.? In doing this, he smashed his previous attempt, set on 25th June 2001, when he managed to write his name, before asking for some Liquid Paper, as he had written in the wrong box.