Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

AAghh!! Can't believe I ruined that joke because of a typo!!
It should have read - Show it your cross!

Sorry!! Can't tell them in person either, so I'll just slink away , embarrassed...........

OK can't resist here are a couple of the funnniest jokes i have at the mo:

A Woman's Prayer....

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One's who's handsome, smart and strong,
one who's 'willy' is thick and long.
one who thinks before he speaks,
when he promises to call, he wont wait weeks
I pray that he be gainfully employed.
and when I spend cash he wont be annoyed.
One who pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask,
'How big's my behind'?
One who'll make love till my bodies a twitchin',
In the hall the, the shower, the garden, and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to screw my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the s*t head you sent me instead!!!!

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room.
In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got
this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can
handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamphrey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower. Clean all wet shower surfaces. Spray
mould spots with Flash bathroom spray.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails or tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend half
an hour getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in pile on floor.
Walk naked to bathroom.
If wife seen, shake knob at her making "Woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs(no).
Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch privates and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't use one.
Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash privates and the surrounding area. Wash butt, leaving hair on soap.
Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make shampoo Mohican. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Pee (in shower). Rinse off and get
out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside
bath for whole shower time.
Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror again, flex muscles and admire size of knob (again). Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on
floor.

Leave bathroom light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterdays clothes

Beautiful Women.....(make sure you read all the way to the end!!)

Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Princess.
Age 6: She looks at herself in the mirror and sees a Barbie doll
Age 10: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister
Mum, I can't go to school looking like this!
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - fixes herself the best she can, but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to
fix it so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall,too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am 'clean' and
goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the
world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

There was the one about the agnostic insomniac dyslexic who sat up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Sorry, Julie!

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied. "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

The following is from an actual 1950s Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a

delicious meal -- on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

1. PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed

when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

1. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER. Make one last trip through the main part of

the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

1. PREPARE THE CHILDREN. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

1. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and kiss, letting him know you're glad to see him.

1. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

1. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair

or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

1. LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

1. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out

to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. THE GOAL: try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

WELCOME TO 2001!

1. HAVE DINNER READY: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day

becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

1. PREPARE YOURSELF: Make sure to change out of your work clothes into something comfortable. Who cares if he likes it or not . . . after all, it's most likely his T-shirt and boxers.

1. CLEAR AWAY CLUTTER: Yeah right! Tell the kids and your husband if they want maid service, they better call one!

1. PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo.

1. MINIMIZE THE NOISE: Yell to him over the loud music your kids are playing, that this is what you had to put up with while he was gone. And

mention that it was his decision to buy the kids a new CD player in the first place.

1. SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner, simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

1. MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he's

cold. This will really show you care.

1. LISTEN TO HIM: But don't ever let him get the last word.

1. MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out

to dinner or other places of entertainment; go with a friend or go shopping (use his credit card). Familiarize him with the phrase "Girls' Night Out!"

10. THE GOAL: Try to keep things amicable without reminding him that he only thinks the world revolves around him. Obviously he's wrong, it revolves around you.

This has just landed in my intray:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing," on
the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

I enjoyed reading these so...

Sherlock Holmes

"Holmes and Watson"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you, Watson, old friend?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "What it tells me, Watson, is that some bas**rd has stolen our tent."

A Tommy Cooper voicemail greeting;

I went to the doctors the other day, he prescribed Viagra and Prune Juice.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going!!!

Thought I would revive this thread with a bit of girl-power!

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came
down from a helicopter.
Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that
one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Never underestimate the power of a Woman.

DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES

Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers, and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market, called "beer," is used by females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.
"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer," men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "pub" in the yellow pages.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have
any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches
the container back and reads out loud from the container,

(Wait for it - it's good)

"To apply, push up bottom."

To make this joke even more delicious, I exchange the word 'blonde' to 'mother-in-law' try it, i'm sure you'll like it!!

OK last one! Try this when you've had a couple!!

What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin'
love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
**in' talented!!

Assassin Test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists...two men and a
woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You
can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're
not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same
instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for
about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. " I tried,
but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming,
crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat the bastard to
death with the chair."
Moral: Women are bad. Don't mess with them!!!

-----

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any
pet, a really unusual pet.

He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service
assistant.

'Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a
really unusual pet'. The service assistant says 'I
have just the thing for you, it's a talking
centipede'.

'Cool!' the man exclaims, 'I'll take it!'

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and
places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the
box and says, 'Hey centipede, what about you and me
going to the pub for a beer?' The centipede doesn't
answer, so the guy thinks, 'I'll just go off for five
minutes and come back and ask again. Five minutes
pass and the guy returns to the centipede, 'Hey
centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for a
beer?' Again, the centipede doesn't answer him.
'Hmmmmm' the guy thinks to himself, 'I'll just go off
and watch this TV show, come back and ask him again'.
Half an hour passes and the guy returns to the
centipede.

'I'll just ask him one more time' he tells himself.
'Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the pub for
a beer?'

The centipede looks up at the man and says, 'F*ck's sake man
I heard you the first time, I'm putting my shoes on!

-----

If men wrote problem pages:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend
and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you!
Knowing that there is only one of you he can only
settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far
from being an issue, this can bring you closer
together. Why not get some of your old college
roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive,
maybe you should let him be with your friends without
you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral
sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think
about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex
on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a
great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this.
His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is
totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best
thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a
day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young
single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a
more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can
rekindle your relationship better than the man being
away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the
house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is
when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to
do when he gets home is for you and your best friend
to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If
you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask
your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape
yourself while doing this, and present it to your
husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish
guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a
nice meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should
seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very
stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available
to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for
foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your
man as much as you should; He should never have to
work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish!
Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral
sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and
goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps
you've forgotten To cook him a nice meal.

-------

That's not right. Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man. Dum Gai

Small Horse. Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great. Fu Kin Su Pah

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single
roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are perverts...

4 nuns are involved in car crash in which they are all killed. Saint Peter greets them all at the Pearly Gates of Heavan and says to them
"I'm sure you'll all have no problems getting in here but I just have to ask a few routine questions".
He says to the first nun "have you ever had contact with the male member?"
The first nun replies "Well once when I was tending to a wounded soldier my hand accidentally brushed against it"
"That's ok" says St Peter. "Just wash your hand in the Holy Water and proceed through the gates.
St Peter then asks the same question to the second nun.
"Well once, I was getting off a bus when my elbow accidentally brushed against it"
"That's ok replies" St Peter. "Wash your elbow in the Holy Water then proceed through the gates".
Suddenly the fourth nun barges in front of the third nun.
"Hey, what's the rush?" says St Peter. "You'll get your chance".
The fourth nun points to the third nun and says "there's no way I'm gargling that water after she's had her arse in it!"

I'll get me coat......

THIS HAS TO BE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST JOKES EVER......

IN THE HOSPITAL THE RELATIVES WERE GATHERED IN THE WAITING ROOM,WHILST ONE OF THE FAMILY LAY GRAVELY ILL.FINALLY THE DOCTOR CAME IN LOOKING TIRED AND SOMBRE."I'M AFRAID I'M THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS" HE SAID AS HE SURVEYED THE WORRIED FACES."THE ONLY HOPE LEFT FOR YOUR LOVED ONE IS A BRAIN TRANSPLANT.IT'S AN EXPERIMENTAL PROCEDURE,SEMI-RISKY AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR THE BRAIN YOURSELVES"
THE FAMILY MEMBERS SAT SILENT AS THEY ABSORBED THE NEWS.AFTER A GREAT LENGTH OF TIME ,SOMEONE ASKED"WELL HOW MUCH DOES A BRAIN COST?"THE DOCTOR QUICKLY RESPONDED "$5,000 FOR A MALE BRAIN ,AND $200 FOR A FEMALE BRAIN"
THE MOMENT TURNED AWKWARD.MEN IN THE ROOM TRIED NOT TO SMILE,AVOIDING EYE CONTACT WITH THE WOMEN,BUT SOME ACTUALLY SMIRKED.A MAN,UNABLE TO CONTROL HIS CURIOSITY,BLURTED OUT THE QUESTION EVERYONE WANTED TO ASK."WHY IS THE MALE BRAIN SO MUCH MORE?"
THE DOCTOR SMILED AT THE CHILDISH INNOCENCE AND SO TO THE WHOLE GROUP SAID,"ITS JUST STANDARD PRICING PROCEDURE.WE HAVE TO MARK DOWN THE FEMALE BRAINS,BECAUSE THEY'VE ACTUALLY BEEN USED."

A man in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost and reduced altitude.

Spotting a women below, he descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The women below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60degrees west longitude.."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the women. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly you've not been much help so far."

The women responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the women, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea of how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is that you are in exactly the same position as you were before we met, but now, somehow,it's my fault!"

You may - or may not - know of someone who could benefit from the course set out below.

NEW 2 YEAR DEGREE

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn a MA degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understand the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001 What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)

(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230 A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 30 Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

oh pamina i saw something v. similar recently, "i wish my wife was as dirty as this". and someone had written underneath - "she is!"

made me laugh anyhow!

Saw one today - the van is called a 'Daily' and someone had written "I masturbate" above it. Made me laugh anyway!

For all of us having "men trouble".

A little girl asks her mum what a c*ck" is and her mum replies it is that dangly thing between a mans legs.

The little girl then asks her mum what a "c*nt" is and her mum replies "oh, that is the rest of him".

I'm not sure how well this works in print....

3 psychiatrists and 3 psychologists are going to a conference by train. The psychiatrists buy 3 tickets and the psychologists buy only 1 ticket between 3. Curious, the psychiatrists enquire how this will work. The psychologists say wait and see.

They board the train, psychiatrists sitting on seats, whilst psychologists all crowd into toilet cubicle together.. Baffled, the psychiatrists watch as the ticket collector arrives. The collector checks their tickets, then seeing the engaged sign on the toilet door, knocks on the door. A hand comes out showing the ticket, which the collector checks and hands back. Impressed by this, the psychiatrists decide to do the same on the return journey.

So, the psychiatrists buy 1 ticket between 3 of them. But the psychologists don't buy a ticket at all. Again curious, the psychiatrists enquire. The psychologists say, wait and see.

On the train, the 3 psychiatrists cram into a toilet cubicle, the 3 psycholgists go in the one next to it. 5 minutes later, 1 of the psychologists knocks on the psychiatrists' toilet door, a hand comes out waving the ticket and the psychologist takes it back into their own toilet!