Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

Oh, NOW I geddit!!
Here's today's from me:

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says, "Damn this thing's an hour fast."

Does anyone remember those dreadful "what do you call a..." jokes? They were popular in the 80s.
I remember the following:

Q:What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

A: Cliff.

Q: What do you call a man with cow dung on his head?

A: Pat.

Q: What do you call a man with a cat sitting on his head?

A: Matt.

Q: What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

A: Doug.

Oh, I could go on all night....Wasn't the 80s a strange decade!!

Couldn't resist sticking this in, anyone got anymore...?!

Mahatma Gandhi as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, and
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him what?....................

A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis!!!

Just a quick one that a friend sent - made me laugh!

What does a blonde do in an M&M factory?

Proof reads!

A man is invited to a fancy dress party and cannot decide what to go as.

After much thought, he decides to go in just his underpants.

When he arrives at the party, the host says that didn't he know it was fancy dress.

He said he did know and that he had come to the party as "Premature Ejaculation".

Premature Ejaculation? asks the host.

"Yes", says the man "I have just come in my pants".

These are two old ones that I remember from my school days (long time ago).

What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
See you next period.

Why don't fairies get pregnant?
They always go to "goblin" parties.

Yeuch! bad taste, Jacquikd !!!
But am I the only one who doesn't get the Fairy joke ?
This is a crap one, but made me smile:
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender
ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... straight through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...

(wait for it)

(Drum roll)

"He should have quit while he was a head!"

Jodee, it took me a couple of reads to get the fairy joke (im very slow at jokes), read it again.

This seems appropriate for a site called 'Mumsnet'!
--

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would
transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a
notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the
pain.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.

Joe, thicko of the week here - please put me out of my misery!

Message withdrawn

Doh! Staring me in the face. Bad taste again!

Message withdrawn

A brain and a jump lead walk into a pub. The barman says:

"I'm not serving you two. YOU are out of your head and YOU are bound to start something".

Thanks Bloss, I blush when explaining rude or even slightly rude jokes.

Don't worry, the Women's Guide to Men's English follows...

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

We need new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture,and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your chequebook darling?

**
THE ANSWER TO "WHAT'S WRONG?"
**

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMT is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the arse

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

-----------
THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH:
-----------

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = £30 and it doesn't look that much different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

Bloss, you are too kind! I doubt it somehow, though - probably the dumbing down effects of non-stop Tweenies !!
All the best in your move down under, keep posting!

message withdrawn

Hope no-one takes offence at these, but they were bound to come out sooner or later!:

The Irish SAS have just stormed John Lewis.
They were looking for Bed Linen.

Some more news just in ...

The Irish SAS have stormed Battersea Dogs Home and have killed all the Afghans - they have also managed to capture a Bin Liner hiding near the store cupboard.

Apologies to anyone from Essex...

There was a nasty road accident in Essex the other day.

One woman in particular was trapped inside her car.

A paramedic attending to her shouted through, 'What's your name, love?'

'Sharon.' the woman shouts back.

The paramedic peers into the wreck, and can see quite a lot of blood.

'Where are you bleeding from, Sharon?' he asks.

'Romford.' Sharon replies...

This is silly but slightly more tasteful LOL!

Do you know how long cows should be milked?
The same way that the short cows are milked.

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks,and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

The first bloke quickly drops down on the sand, and crawls across to the dying Pepe.

"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"....

"Ugh... it wasn't a Bacon Tree..............

...wait for it...

..........It was a Ham Bush"

This is one that came from my father -in- law.....

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and, because they have requested an audience and, as they are - THE - seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,"No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their checks as they begin chanting......"Dopey shagged a penguin! Dopey shagged a penguin!"

My brother always has a good supply, this is a favourite.

Sister Maria and Sister Oona have been driving round Europe all summer. They find themselves at traffic lights in Transylvania, when a little vampire jumps onto the bonnet.
"Quick!" shouts Sister Maria, "Do something!"
So Sister Oona turns on the wipers, but it just holds on. She beeps the horn and it just hisses at them.
" I know, put the screen wash on! I filled it with Holy water before we left the Vatican!" cries Sister Maria. Sister Oona does this, but the abomination just smokes a little and hangs on grimly.
At last, Sister Oona says, "Sister Maria, show it you're cross!"
"Right!" cries Sister Maria.
She opens the window and shouts:
"Get the f* off our car!!"