Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

Bumblelion, love the parenthood and lessons ones, thanks...needed a laugh even tho it's only day one of the easter holidays

This made me giggle

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with
chores, as this could further his stress.

Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage
him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

that's great !!

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight!" He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
....

It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack said as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," his wife replied.
....

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break a window on any of those gorgeous homes, it'll cost us a fortune to repair!" Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind." "But what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into the wife's eyes. "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "No kidding! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and ask buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t*sser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Essex, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players there.."
"Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex."
The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"

These work especially well when typed into a mobile phone as a text message:-

(1)

I had a wet dream about you last night.
I dreamt you got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing.

(2)

Police have found a corpse badly burnt, no brain, saggy tits and huge arse. Text me back so I know you are okay.

(3)

There is hot sex, fast sex, group sex, safe sex, anal sex, leather sex, telephone sex and for people with a face like yours:-

MASTURBATION!

Three convicts, an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman were on the way to
prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So,
what did you bring?"

The English convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to
paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail". Then
he asked the Scotsman, "What did you bring?

The Scottish convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Irish convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two
took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go
horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas??

He felt his presents...

Ha! Ha!
I laughed for ages after hearing this... whoops sorry! i admit to being a bit of a sci fi nerdy!!!

What's the difference between light and hard?....

....A man can sleep with a light on.

A woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the toilet, 10p PIECES come out!"

The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's got
worse! Every time I go to the toilet, 50p PIECES come out!! What's wrong with me?"

Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.

Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the toilet, POUND COINS come out! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"

The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through your change!"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so stupid?"
God says: "So she would love you."

I wasn't sure whether to post this here or on the "mothers ignoring their children" thread so I thought I'd do both

Here goes...

A man observed a woman in the supermarket with a 3-year-old girl in her trolley.

As they went down the biscuit aisle, the little girl asked for some and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to make a fuss, and the mother said quietly "Now, Monica, we jusy have half of the aisles left to get through. Don't be upset, it won't be long."

Soon they came to the sweets section and the little girl began to shout for some. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said softly, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be at the checkout."

When they got to the till the little girl immediately began to clamour for chewing gum and had a terrible tantrum on discovering that there's be no gum purchased. The mother said patiently, "Monica, we'll be through this checkout in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the car-park and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica..." he began

The mother sighed and said "My little girl is called Jane - I'm Monica."

LOL Jenny2998!!!

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at
his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I
bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some

advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little sausage?"

DH found this as he was clearing out his e-mails the other day and suggested I post it here. It is more of a man's joke so I hope no one is offended, I found it funny anyway!

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - because her bits and bobs were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. Who are these from?" she asked the nurse,

"They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.

Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"

First we have "smiley faces", now we have this. What do we call these-
"breasties"?

Finally, something other than smiley faces....

Perfect breasts

(o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts

( + )( + )

Perky breasts

()()

Big nipple breasts

(@)(@)

A cups

o o

D cups

O {} O {}

Wonder bra breasts

(oYo)

Cold breasts

( )( )

Lopsided breasts

(o)(O)

Pierced Breasts

(Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts

(p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts

\ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts

( )( )

Android Breasts

| o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts

($)($)

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is
there anything you'd like to have changed?" She replied, "Yes, could get
rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding the third breast in her hand,"
What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man...

Okay this is a clean joke but it made me lol, hope you enjoy it too.

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill that he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

LOL, mollipops! I've been cheering myself up reading this thread. Have ds sitting with me and saying "what's funny?", he can't read yet!

Did anyone have the Crackerjoke book as a child? I got it from the Puffin book club at school and I still remember half the jokes. The old ones are the best ...

I like the "waiter" jokes, eg

Man: What's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Backstroke, sir.

And the "doctor" jokes, eg

Patient: Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a spoon!
Doctor: Sit down and don't stir

hahahahahahahaha

A rather topical one which was e-mailed to me today!
-----
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their
arrival at the hospital, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that
would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He
asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in
favour of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even
10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
as the labour progressed, the husband felt just fine and asked the doctor
to go ahead and give him some more. The doctor then adjusted the machine to
20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling perfectly fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to feel normal. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the
wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer 100% of
the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby, with no pain. She and her husband were
ecstatic and were even able to leave the hospital that evening.
When they got home, they found the postman dead at the front door.

NEWSFLASH: Energizer Bunny charged with battery!!!

Rang up my local builder today and said I wanna skip outside my house - builder replied well go ahead i'm not stoppin u!!

Groan!

well at least they're clean...O

Oh, can't I do angels on here?

The following dates back to Feb/March. It has kept its je ne sais quoi:

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taliban
of Non-Existence of A Deity

The ground war in Afghanistan hotted up yesterday when the Allies
revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist
philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of the remaining
Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of the power.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets',
will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency
and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous
intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left

Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes

at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee
and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely
isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of
heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by
sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and
looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his
confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo,
a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated
wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the
most ridiculous. There is no deity despite the Koran and I can prove it.

Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating
freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the
films of Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation
as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the
Frenchmens' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.