Know any good jokes?

[Sylvev]

I was recently eating out with friends when the conversation turned to jokes. We had a hilarious time, most jokes were smutty but very funny. I, unfortunately, am not too good at remembering any jokes and could only come up with one rather mediocre one, see below.

Do you know any good jokes that I could add to my repertoire of one?

Oh yes, my joke:

Q: "How many ears does Davy Crockett have?"

A: "3. One right ear, one left ear and a wild-
front-ear (wild frontier).

(This joke is not only mediocre, it shows my age and I often get blank looks from people who have never heard of Davy Crockett...help).

Not exactly a joke but it made me giggle. I got this one from another parenting site so thanks to whoever posted it there.

It is a company sticking 2 fingers up (literally so don't look at it in front of the kids) at another comapany who bought the .com domain name but didn't buy .co.uk Its got a catchy little song so turn the speakers up and you'll be singing it all day long.

just seen this....

news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/health/newsid_2067000/2067223.stm

Women exposed to their partner's semen during sex may find themselves feeling
happier than those who use a condom, say scientists. Scientists in the US
believe the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina help
to boost women's mood.

Semen contains a range of hormones, including testosterone and oestrogen,
both of which have been shown to improve mood.

However, they warned that their findings should not be used to encourage
people to practise unsafe sex.

Gordon Gallup and colleagues at the State University of New York divided 293
female students into groups on the basis of how often their partners wore
condoms.

Mood tests

They used standard psychological tests to assess how happy they were and
their overall mood.

They found that women whose partners never used condoms were
happiest. They were followed by women whose partners sometimes used condoms.

Women whose partners always used or usually used condoms were less happy.

The study, details of which are published in New Scientist magazine, also
found that a lack of sexual intercourse made some women depressed.

Women whose partners never or sometimes used condoms became more depressed
the longer they went without sex.

However, there was no similar pattern for those women whose partners usually
or always used condoms.

The scientists also found that depression and suicide attempts were more
common among those women whose partners used condoms regularly.

Further evidence

Mr Gallup told the magazine that an extended study on more than 700 women has
backed up these findings.

He added that other factors such as how often the women had sex, the strength
of their relationships, their personalities or the use of oral contraceptives
did not affect the overall conclusions.

Mr Gallup said the findings may also apply to women who engage in unprotected
oral sex and people who engage in anal sex. But he said further research was
needed in these areas.

But Mr Gallup, whose study will be published in the journal Archives of
Sexual Behaviour, urged couples to continue to practise safe sex.

"I want to make it clear that we are not advocating that people abstain from
using condoms," he said.

"Clearly an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease would more
than offset any advantageous psychological effects of semen."

not entirely sure why I put this in the jokes thread but oh well x

OK, I love this one, but I have an eccentric sense of humour....

A man is walking down the street when he meets another man who is perfectly normal expect that he has an orange for a head. 'My God,' he exclaims, 'What on earth happened to you?'. 'Ah, says the other man, 'it's a bit of a long story. You see I was rubbing this lamp and a genie came out, and he told me I had three wishes.'
'What on earth did you wish for?'
'First, I wished for money.'
'Did it work'
'Oh yes. I won the Lottery ten weeks in a row. I was left money by millionaires I never met. I found millions under the floorboards. I had so much money, I didn't know what to do with it. I have homes all over the world, diamonds, sports cars, anything I want. Fantastic.'
'And for your second wish?"
'I wished to become irresistible to women.'
'Did it work?'
'Oh yes. It was incredible. Beautiful women followed me down the street. Supermodels were queuing outside my house. They were begging me for sex. I was fighting them off. I could take my pick of any woman I wanted. It's amazing.'
'But, says the first man, eyeing his companion's bizarre appearance, 'what on earth was your third wish?'
"Isn't it obvious?' says the second man. 'I wished for an orange for a head.'

I told my husband this joke when we met and when he laughed I decided that he was definitely the one for me.

aloha - you clearly have my sense of humour! I can tell you right now that my dp will not find this joke funny though (but I'll tell him anyway).
My all-time favourite joke is this:

q: what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
a: "here come the elephants"

q: what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants in sunglasses coming over the hill?
a: nothing - he didn't recognise them.

I liked the Tarzan joke but I'm afraid I was expecting a bit more from the 3 wishes one, Aloha. I think that one would definitely tell better than it reads.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

(My DS2's favourite joke. Sorry)

Think Mumsnet ought to abandon all ideas for a parenting book, and publish this lot instead!

Have never had the patience to read it all on screen, so printed out all 43 (!!) pages and went to bed for a good chuckle last night. Trouble is, dh could just NOT see why some of the jokes were so funny. I wonder why....

Thank you all for making me laugh so, so much. Really brightened my day.

There were 2 nuns in a closed order one in which you're not allowed to speak. One day the nuns went to the zoo. They were wondering around quite happily not talking to each other when they passed the baboon enclosure. On seeing the nuns a rather lusty male baboon became rather agitated. He leant over, grabbed one of the ones. She fell on her back, he saw his chance and took it.
A while later these 2 same nuns were working together toiling the land. It was the one day in the year when they were allowed to speak. The 2nd nun said to the first: Do you remember the day we went to the zoo?
1st nun: Yes
2nd nun: Do you remember that baboon?
1st nun: Yes
2nd nun: well I hope you don't mind me asking, but did he, you know,hurt you?
To which the 1st nun replied
Hurt me? Hurt me! He hasn't written, he hasn't phoned..!

Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Bean = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beet.

Both of them are plants, in the vegetable category.

Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Remember: "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Just got sent this and it had me giggling...had to share...

For Cats...Lessons to Live by

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase

leaves.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay
there

until I get hungry.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him

constantly.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and
growl at

nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files".

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are
not cat

toys.

If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in

groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by
swatting

bits of it all over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall
and

screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
all

dissolves in the boiling coffee.

The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in
its bowl.

If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a
piece.

She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will
not

freak out every time I see it.

I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail
fluffed

up will not make my balls grow back.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse
is much

more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as
tasty.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them!

Three dogs sitting in the vet's waiting room.
Dog 3 says to Dog 1: "You don't look very happy. What are you here for mate?"
Dog 1 replies: "I've got to have my balls taken off."
Dog 3 says: "Mate, that's terrible - why?"
Dog 1: "Well, I was lying out in the garden by the gate the other day and the neighbour walked past with her poodle and I've fancied this poodle for ages, so I jumped over the gate and gave the poodle one...and now my owner's having me castrated for being so naughty."
The other dogs sympathise but notice that Dog 2 is even more upset than Dog 1. They ask Dog 2 what happened to him.
He replies: "I was lying in the garden the other day and someone walked past with a horrible little Yorkshire terrier who kept yapping at me. He kept on and on and it really got me angry so I jumped over the fence and grabbed him by the throat and killed him."
"Oh no!" cries Dog 3."So why are you here?"
"I'm going to be put down," replies Dog 2 sadly.
The 3 dogs sit in silence for a moment then Dog 1 decides to ask Dog 3: "So do you mind telling us what happened to you?"
Dog 3 sighs. "Well, I was at home the other day and my mistress came home so I went upstairs to sit with her while she got ready to go out. It was really hot and I'm afraid to say I was feeling very randy and my mistress took off all her clothes and went into the bathroom so I followed her in. I just couldn't help myself - she was bending over the sink without anything on and before I knew what I was doing, I'd mounted her!"
The other 2 dogs are visibly shocked. Eventually Dog 1 says: "So what are you here for?"
Dog 3: "To get my nails clipped."

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms and kept the same tag line.........

Sainsbury condoms-making life taste better

Tesco condoms-every little helps

Nike condoms-just do it

Peugeot condoms-the ride of your life

Galaxy condoms-why have rubber when you can have silk

KFC condoms-finger licking good

Minstrel condoms-melt in your mouth, not in your hand

Safeway condoms-lightening the load

Abbey National condoms-because life is complicated enough

Coca Cola condoms-the real thing

Ever Ready condoms-keep going and going

Pringles condoms-once you pop you can't stop

Burger King condoms-Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms-for a longer ride go wide

FCUK condoms-no comment required

Muller light condoms-so much pleasure but wheres the pain

Halfords condoms-we go the extra mile

Royal Mail condoms-I saw this and thought of you

Andrex condoms-soft, strong and very long

Renault condoms-size really does matter!

Ronseal condoms-does exactly what it says on the tin

Ronseal quick-drying condoms-its dry and waterproof in about 30 minutes

Domestos condoms-gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms-reaches parts that other condoms just can't reach

Carlsberg condoms-probably the best condom in the world

AA condoms-for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms- its a bit of an animal

Polo condoms-the condom with the hole(VERY poor seller!!!!)

LOL

Perhaps that should have gone under the contraception thread!

Newsflash:
A tanker full of spit has sunk in the Pacific Ocean.
There were no salivas.
The wreckage was washed up on the Galapogos Islands.
It was a turtle disaster.

Wanna hear my favourite joke in the world?!
(but you have to be aware of bob marley's music!)

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

"Wi' jam in"

And what would Bob Marley say to you if he offered you a doughnut?

"I hope you like jam in too!"

Ber-ill-iant!

Just found this link and I have spent far too long sat here laughing to myself. Here goes with my current favourite:-
The Pope is on a tour of Wales, when he decides that he would like to see the beautiful sands and the sea, so the 4x4 popemobile starts going slowly along the sands. All of a sudden the most amazing thing happens, a man surfaces wearing an England Rugby shirt and he is being eaten by a shark. Almost immediatley a small speed boat comes into view occupied by three men wearing Welsh Rugby shirts and they harpoon the shark and drag the injured man into their boat. The Pope is amazed and asks one of the Bishops accompanying hime to summon the men on a loud hailer and tells them that he would like to meet them. The three men approach his Holiness, "my children" he says " I had heard that there was discord between your countries, but what I have seen here was the most brave rescue I have ever seen. May God Bless you always" and the popemobile drives off. "who was that?" one of the men asks, "that was the Pope, he is Gods Authority on Earth" "He might well be that , but he knows f**k all about shark fishing - how's that bait holding up?"

DH and I found these miniclips hilarious, they aren't rude but you'll need your speakers on.

Firstly Dancing Tony Blair

No offence meant, we're just very childish. Play about with the moves and sounds!

Sorry that didn't work try this

Then you could also try this if you liked the last one.

No offence meant, just DH and I being extremely childish. You need the speakers on and have a play about with the various effects and moves

ROFL! I loved the dancing Blair!

For Lucy123 -

q What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?

a "Here come the plums" (she was colour blind)

What men are actually saying-

1. "I can't find it"
   MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched
   hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That's women's work"
   MEANS: it's difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you Marry me?"
   MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I
   can't turn on the washing machine, and there's no milk left.

4. "It's a guy thing ."
   MEANS: there's no rational thought pattern
   connected with it, and you have no chance at all
   of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"
   MEANS: why isn't it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"
   MEANS: I have no idea how it works.

7. "I'm getting more exercise lately"
   MEANS: the batteries in the remote control are dead.

8. "We're going to be late."
   MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving
   like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too
   hard."
   MEANS: I can't hear the footy on the TV over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That's interesting dear."
    MEANS: are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don't need material things to
    prove our love."
    MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."
    MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

13. "It's really a good movie."
    MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and
    naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."
    MEANS: I remember the address of the first girl I
    kissed, and the vehicle identification number of
    every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your
    birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
    MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was
    a real babe, and was wearing a bikini thong .

16. "Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
    MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but
    will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.

17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm
    doing."
    MEANS: what did you catch me at?

18. "I heard you."
    MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you
    just said, and hope I can fake it well enough,
    so that you don't spend the next three days
    yelling at me.

19. "You know I could never love anyone else."
    MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me,
    and realize it could be worse.

20. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
    MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit,
    I'm starving.

21. "I brought you a present."
    MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the
    football game.

22. "I missed you."
    MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids
    are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.

23. "I'm not lost, I know exactly where we
    are."
    MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

24. "This relationship is getting too serious."
    MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my
    truck.

25. "I don't need to read the instructions."
    MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it
    up without printed help.

Like it jodee

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a
cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,"
answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and
went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a
mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her belly."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said
to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is
seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
"What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math
homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next
day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

Brill!!