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Original poster

My children told the school I neglect and hit them

248 replies

Charliechaplin1988 · 04/03/2025 11:54

I got a call from a social worker after an argument with my daughter over her buss pass being lost again . They went to both my daughters who said they were scared of me and I wasn’t looking after them correctly (I am mid divorce and they are a bit older and I will say my standards have droppee ) but noyhing I can’t fix like more effort at dinner time and more effort with making sure they’ve taken the right equipment . Mt children were removed from me that day and given to my parents and are now being interviewed by police over claims I assult them ! I have pulled them apart and whacked their legs when they were going hell for leather on each other but I can’t believe it’s got here. We are so incredibly close and having them away from me is breaking me. Will I get them back ? I’m their only parent ?!! We’ve been together just us for 11 years as they weren’t close to their step dad and I feel like I’m dying inside. There’s much work I neee to do but everyone is agasijt me ( apart from my children ) who I saw at the weekend and still adore their mother as they have no gravity of the situation ) I’m so so scared

OP posts:
Scrubberdubber · 04/03/2025 14:14

ThisFluentBiscuit · 04/03/2025 14:11

I can't believe the reactions to OP smacking two fighting teenagers on the back of the legs, once. "So you hit your children?" PP make it sound like she's punching small children in the face, fgs! What she describes was very common in the UK in the 70s and 80s when I was growing up, in fact what OP did sounds extremely mild. Such hysteria. I don't have kids and have spent the last 18 years living in the US (deep blue state, I hasten to add). I was actually pretty amazed when I learnt the UK had banned smacking. Explains the preponderance of children being out of control, screaming and yelling their heads off in public as if they're being hung, drawn and quartered. When I was a child, we got a sharp tap on the bum or legs if we misbehaved, all my friends did, it was normal and never went any further.

Assuming the OP is reporting accurately here, I bet the girls did it to get back at their mother and would have had no idea what they were about to unleash. Must be awful for them being taken out of their home.

Exactly this. Even in the 2000s I would of been belted for a lot less, thank god I was never put in foster care (seeing as one of the first posts on this thread is someone saying your children are better off away from you)

I know families where the teens are out of control and know they hold the power they can hit their parents but if the parent hits back the kid calls social services or the police and all hell breaks loose.

The people bashing op better pray this never happens to them or they really will eat their words

ERthree · 04/03/2025 14:15

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 13:46

I can’t imagine a child would lie about something as serious as this. More effort at dinner time? Are they not being properly fed and cared for?

If you really think children do not lie about such things you are very naive.

Glorybox2025 · 04/03/2025 14:15

Rainbowpassion · 04/03/2025 13:36

Yeah they are, they literally get paid to do so, if they wasn’t there to take your kids why would they do everything in there power to set u up and make things very difficult for u and they note every little thing down and use all of it against u

giving them a slap is not attacking them, attacking them would be punching, kicking and more then 2 slaps, sometimes kids don’t learn from being told not to do something, when I was younger if I was told not to do something I would go and do it but if my dad gave me a smack bottom I wouldn’t do it

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We don't get paid to take your kids FFS. Do you know how expensive it is to take children into care? We often have to fight with budget holders to get agreement to put children in care against every possible resistance. It costs £30k + just to apply to court. It costs £400+ per week to have a child in foster care and that's in house care. It can cost £900 - £2000 per week for an agency foster placement and £5000+ for a children's home. Why on earth would we want to take your kids when we can avoid it?

IButtleSir · 04/03/2025 14:17

The negative correlation between pro-smacking, anti-social services views and basic literacy on this thread is really rather astounding, isn't it?

Resttime · 04/03/2025 14:17

rainydaysandrainbows · 04/03/2025 14:08

@Resttime

"It is a grey area in England. Whilst it isn't illegal (providing you don't leave a mark) it is deemed unacceptable by the authorities. So police wouldn't prosecute unless you left a mark but they would make raise a safeguarding concern. So whilst you wouldn't go to prison for doing it, the authorities wouldn't want to leave a DC in that situation unless the parent was willing to learn and change, with the help of SS and parenting courses."

I don't think it's in anyway acceptable to hit / smack a child but I don't think social services are getting involved every time they're aware a child is smacked, social services aka councils budgets can't keep up with the most seriously in need it's an awful reality a lot of this will not be picked up

They wouldn't usually just close a case where they think there has been hitting. If they believe it was 'low level' they would generally refer to early help.

Trendyname · 04/03/2025 14:19

Charliechaplin1988 · 04/03/2025 12:27

Thank you
the kids are being interviewed by the police today and im meeting with the social worker and my family ar 4 ) who rightfully can’t even look at me ) I spent the weekend at my parents with the kids and will stay there tonight wirh them but I’m just hoping there’s options I can do to bring them home to me becuase they’re really missing their mum and I’m missing them so muchb

Did they say they are missing you or are you assuming? Asking this because in your op you said they adore their mother.

You seem to be minimising the harmful impact on them ( your op says they told SS that they are scared of you), now in 2 separate posts you are talking about them adoring and missing you.
Focus on why your children are afraid of you and how you can fix that.

I feel sorry for them.

Ilikeadrink14 · 04/03/2025 14:19

Soontobe60 · 04/03/2025 11:57

Have you actually hit them on the legs or are they falsely claiming that?

The poster said it herself!

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/03/2025 14:23

It sounds to be as though there is a perceived ‘pattern of behaviour ’ here. There was the anonymous complaint put in by (you think) the ex. There will probably be a statement from the school saying that things are forgotten regularly - you say you’re not on top of things. Then you have the complaint by your daughter that’s then corroborated by the sister.

My guess is that the kids will go on some sort of plan where you can be monitored for a portion of time.

Redruby2020 · 04/03/2025 14:35

dottydodah · 04/03/2025 12:17

"Whacking" children is no longer acceptable (if it ever were) I think you are minimising this a little .We all shout occasionally, but a slap becomes a whack becomes a thump until someone is injured badly.Why would your DC say this otherwise .Do everything expected by SS and go on a parenting course ,It sound like you have a lot on your plate ATM.

No 😃 i don't want to laugh but because of what i am about to say. Believe me shouting is seen as terrible yet Social Workers don't look at all hitting etc as terrible!

EmmaMaria · 04/03/2025 14:35

Scrubberdubber · 04/03/2025 12:41

Why do ops going through a hard time always get cross examined on here? She said they were fighting each other and she hit their legs to stop them, I was belted for a lot less as a kid thank god I was never put in foster care.

Kids especially teenagers knowing they're pretty much untouchable is causing a big problem with behaviour with families I know especially when the kids are beating each other and/or their parents but the parent can't react or get angry without the threat of the kid calling the police or social services. Its a very tricky situation

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They haven't been put in foster care. And it may have escaped your attention, but using violence has never yet taught anyone that violence is wrong. You really need to get to know more families if you think that the problem in society today is not enough family violence.

Redruby2020 · 04/03/2025 14:36

Charliechaplin1988 · 04/03/2025 12:18

rhe only time I hit them both on the back of the legs was when they were hittijt each other and I walked in and tried to seperate them and it was a reaction. A wrong one but ie never seen them fight before like that. They are getting older and they fight a lot. They’re always fed but it’s been pasta etc whilst i admit ive been wallowing. I’m not the innocent party and I need to throw all my focus on getting back to the great mum I was and I am really ashamed of myself, I just miss my children and I know how much they’re missing me . I just want some light at the end of the tunnel and will do what ever it takes

Pasta is fine don't worry a dish, or a plate generally with a bit of everything on it is food at the end of the day.

Sunnyside4 · 04/03/2025 14:39

OP, I haven't been through this, so all I can do is engage with the authorities, explain to them why things have happened and that you realise you haven't been present. How much your love your children and you're really going to try and be a better parent. Accept any interventions that might happen and engage with them over ways to improve.

Only you know how bad it's really got.

You mention meals. Pasta - are we talking cans of spaghetti or cooked pasta with a sauce and cheese and maybe some peas on the side. There's a difference.

How often have you smacked them? In my mind maybe a one off if the fight was so bad they might have hurt eachother.

The argument over a bus pass - again is this a one off? If not, how often is is happening.

Just point out the above, so you think about any elements you know aren't right.

MarchingintoSpring · 04/03/2025 14:41

ERthree · 04/03/2025 14:15

If you really think children do not lie about such things you are very naive.

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Why reason would these two have to lie?
Shes admitted to being a crap parent. Well done to her kids for being brilliant and having the sense to know how she is behaving isn’t right. So they have pasta? Just because it’s better than nothing doesn’t mean it hasn’t been fucking miserable for them.

There will be alot more going on than OP will say.

Original poster
Charliechaplin1988 · 04/03/2025 14:44

i will do anything the authorities say . I just want the kids home. My eldest spends her evenings on FaceTime to me talking and calls me in the morning and when I stayed at the wekeend they asked if they could stay in my bed and we just cuddled for an entire night . I have got complacent and I think I was drinking more than I realised . 2 bottles of wine a week ( as the only person here ) all of which has stopped. I’m on antidepressants , and have spent the last few days getting on top of the house . The meeting today was postponed so hopefully it’s rebooked for tomorrown

OP posts:
CleverCrab · 04/03/2025 14:45

BigSilly · 04/03/2025 12:11

Sorry, just seen they are secondary age, not like smacking a little kids bottom (not good but technically legal)

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Not legal in Scotland

Hdjdb42 · 04/03/2025 14:46

TheEyesOfLucyJordon · 04/03/2025 13:32

Me too. My goodness there are some smug shitbags on here 😡

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Agreed.

SheridansPortSalut · 04/03/2025 14:47

Scrubberdubber · 04/03/2025 14:02

The line "I don't believe her version of events" always gets trotted out. All we've got to go by is what she's said but that also applies to every single other post on this site and the internet in general. We can only assume she's telling the truth to do otherwise achieves nothing anyway do you seriously think that if she actually is a lying child abusing monster that you commenting on this thread is going to achieve anything?

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We know that the kids version of events was enough to have them removed from their home.

We have that to go by.

Starlight7080 · 04/03/2025 14:48

Seems like a lot more must have happened here that you are not saying.
For both children to say you scare and hurt them is very bad.
Especially since you seem to find hitting them to deal with them playing up a normal thing.

BunnyLake · 04/03/2025 14:49

IButtleSir · 04/03/2025 14:17

The negative correlation between pro-smacking, anti-social services views and basic literacy on this thread is really rather astounding, isn't it?

It is. I’m a single mum. Brought up two boys alone. I am a firm believer in not smacking. Neither has ever been in any trouble, are not unruly or anti social. Not smacking your children doesn’t mean, as some think, that you let your kids behave like unruly animals.

It starts from the ground up. You have to be a good role model to your children, which is a lot more effective than slapping.

I hope things turn out for the best for you all (whatever that might be) and lessons be learnt, and you all get the support you need for a happier way forward.

Careertimenow · 04/03/2025 14:52

sandyhappypeople · 04/03/2025 13:26

My mum did this to me in junior school when I wasn't at the school gates to be picked up, I was going to another friends after school which had been pre-arranged, she knew about it but had just forgotten about it. When I got home she actually spanked me.

The reality was she beat me because she was scared something had happened to me and furious that I wasn't where I was supposed to be.. it was the only time she ever hit me, but I'll never forget the injustice of it to be honest, she never apologised.

I've seen loads of times when parents lash out from fright or anger or frustration, and it isn't to teach a lesson, it is a physical manifestation of your lack of emotional control and IMO that is unfair on the child. She didn't do it on purpose to frighten you or get run over, but she was punished as if she did. I always remember my 'lesson' and vowed never to lash out in anger or frustration with my own kids.

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It wasn't until the 2000's that the conversation started about smacking and that's when things started to change. I was pregnant with my first daughter when I listened to the woman talking about a tap on the hand and why would you do it. Before that even domestic abuse between husband and wife wasn't taken seriously by the police until now.

I remember my dad smacked me on the legs in the 80's because I didn't do as I was told. My dad was born in 1947 can you imagine what he was subjected to by his parents and the local services. The cane ended in 1986 I wonder how many were caned up until the day it stopped?

Grammarnut · 04/03/2025 14:58

TheMorels · 04/03/2025 13:07

Yes, it’s abuse. What was the message? Put yourself in danger and I’ll hurt you?

I’ve managed to bring 2 children to adulthood without so much as a tap. They all do things that terrify us for a moment. No need to hit them in panic.

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No, it's not child abuse, it's a smack. You none of you have any idea what child abuse is, but I assure you it's not a sharp smack on the back of your leg aged four.
And the lesson is, if you run in the road you will get hurt - not by me, but by a bloody car.
I listen to how some parents now discipline children and I think, well, that's psychological torture.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 04/03/2025 14:59

TheMorels · 04/03/2025 13:03

Nobody should be whacking anyone, even in the spur of the moment. I think it’s probably right that they are not with you for now.

I don’t know much about SS intervention, but I’d hope you’re going to get the support you need to go back to being a good parent. And that in the meantime, your children are feeling safe.

Edited

I see being ‘whooped’ regularly mentioned in videos from other cultures living in the UK. Do we think everyone has the memo on this or just some stuff is allowed through because of cultural differences?

JoyousGreyOrca · 04/03/2025 15:00

If there is nothing more than you say, then the kids will be returned to you, unless they refuse to go home.
But you need to be honest and say yes I did this which was not good enough. And in the future I will do y instead. Ask to be referred to a parenting course for teenagers.
Generally no one wants to keep children from their parents.

WaitingForMojo · 04/03/2025 15:03

CleverCrab · 04/03/2025 14:45

Not legal in Scotland

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Or Wales

JoyousGreyOrca · 04/03/2025 15:04

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast Cultural difference makes zero difference.
Sometimes though people use language to mean different things. Whooped can mean a beating, spanking or a very harsh telling off.

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