My children told the school I neglect and hit them

[Charliechaplin1988]

I got a call from a social worker after an argument with my daughter over her buss pass being lost again . They went to both my daughters who said they were scared of me and I wasn’t looking after them correctly (I am mid divorce and they are a bit older and I will say my standards have droppee ) but noyhing I can’t fix like more effort at dinner time and more effort with making sure they’ve taken the right equipment . Mt children were removed from me that day and given to my parents and are now being interviewed by police over claims I assult them ! I have pulled them apart and whacked their legs when they were going hell for leather on each other but I can’t believe it’s got here. We are so incredibly close and having them away from me is breaking me. Will I get them back ? I’m their only parent ?!! We’ve been together just us for 11 years as they weren’t close to their step dad and I feel like I’m dying inside. There’s much work I neee to do but everyone is agasijt me ( apart from my children ) who I saw at the weekend and still adore their mother as they have no gravity of the situation ) I’m so so scared

My daughter is a SW, there is undoubtedly a lot more to this than OP is telling us. Children are not removed for 1whack, there must have been multiple occasions along with serious neglect to warrant such a radical outcome so quickly!

Smacking/hitting, whatever you want to call it is unacceptable. Calling it a smack doesn’t make it any less repulsive. If you wouldn’t accept a smack from someone else then you shouldn’t be dolling them out to any other being.

And it’s funny that people go on about a snowflake generation, previous generations didn’t get stuff right. I’ve seen older people losing their minds and having temper tantrums over absolutely nothing, I’ve met a lot of mannerless older generations, and quite frankly the generations before you thought yours was the snowflake generation, and the one before that thought they were. There is evidence going back hundreds of years of this. Once upon a time we sent tiny children off to work in factories and 15 year olds off to war and all sorts of other things - as time goes on we learn these things are unacceptable. Smacking isn’t okay, hence why a lot of countries have outlawed it. There is scientific evidence that supports not hitting children. Your generation, whichever that is, is not better than mine or the upcoming one. It’s arrogance that has gotten you there.

and on the note of ‘the world has gone mad’ (what a dull, overused phrase) your parents and grandparents all said the same thing about you I’m afraid, it’s just generational thing.

“What many people won’t admit is that hitting a child can provide an emotional release and a fleeting sense of power for the grown-up. An adult may feel frustrated that they’ve lost control of the child, but when they strike the child, the child stops what they’re doing and usually starts crying. The adult feels vindicated by getting the child’s attention, and their pent-up frustration or anger is released. They believe “it worked,” and the strategy becomes reinforced.”

Elizabeth Gershoff,
professor of Human Development and Families

Maybe you the use of physical action was the only way you could raise your kids @EveryonesMother and co, I’m sorry that was the only way you could cope, but I’ve seen many parents raise their children without it and raise strong, hardworking, kind people. And I’m proud to be one of them. And I look forward to the day smacking is outlawed entirely. If the only way you can raise a decent human is to hurt them, then I imagine parenting for you must have been pretty tough and I’m sorry for you.

Anyway, I have derailed the OPs thread enough which wasn’t really okay so I’ll bow out. Ta at.

they are being abusive to the OP. How high those horses must be.

You’ve crossed the line by hitting them. At their age it’s utterly unnecessary as you should be able to verbally reprimand even if they are in danger or being a danger to one another. You let your temper overwhelm you. Absolutely admit this and ask for parenting advice as making out it was no big deal is going to ring all the wrong alarm bells with a social worker.

Much of this post is incorrect and the rest hyperbole... neither of which will help the OP.
Times change, but people don't... there have always been people who struggled and people who suffered.
Hitting is always wrong, in any circumstance.
OP I really hope that you and your children get all the support and help you need.

The children haven't been 'removed' though they are staying with their grandparents with the mother's agreement while police and social workers investigate. There may be more to it or there may not. It's very possible that this is the only time it's happened, but it's been scary enough for the kids to tell someone. But don't jump from what the OP has recounted to the children being removed from her because that's not what has happened.

Omg, it’s serious enough that the children Were Removed from her. Where does she say that she agreed to them going to the grandparents. She specifically said, the children were removed from me.

Doesn't that show you that violence doesn't work because growing up your kids were awful to you and treated you with little respect?

Some people on here need to be reminded what the law is.
Smacking in England is illegal except where there is a defence of reasonable punishment. If the child is injured, the person responsible can be charged with assault.
Smacking is illegal under all circumstances in Scotland and Wales. As of today there is a move to make it completely illegal in England also.

Not via any legal mechanism as far as she has said. And she's allowed to spend time with them at the grandparents' home. If police protection had been taken this wouldn't be allowed. Social workers ask parents to agree to children staying elsewhere regularly, but it's by agreement. It's not the same as removing the child.

Oh blooming heck!!Kids were fighting, so mother gave than a tap on the legs. Hardly the work of Ghengis Khan, although this poor mother who is really under stress, is being treated as if she actually chopped off their legs.
Funny how Social Services get involved with a case of children not getting their own way, but were nowhere when The Pakistani Rape Gangs were operating.
This is a mother going through a traumatic divorce, with children who are playing up because they are scared and unsure of their future.
Please just show some sympathy for this poor woman and stop virtue signalling.

Not a tap. A whack.

Not that either is acceptable.

Don't minimise abuse. Don't expect OP to minimise the abuse either as it displays a lack of self awareness and willingness to improve.

Unfortunately what SS see is someone who is possibly drinking too much, on meds for depression and who has hit their kids. Often it can be a bit tickbox.

Hang in there and get your life sorted so you can show SS that they have a decent loving home.

I think OP is incredibly brave to put this out here. I am a recovering alcoholic (10 years). She is asking for help. Not judgment. OP, please ask everyone for help! And take it! Xxxx

Yes I agree with this 👏 my parents are from a generation, who viewed smacking as good parenting. I've been smacked when I've been naughty, and it wasn't abused in any way.

You people really do not know what the hell you are talking about and it makes me so angry.
I have seen child abuse: when doing Paediatrics at the, now closed. Westminster Children's Hospital. The baby whose mother used him as an ashtray. The little girl who was fed every other day and and had bruises on most of her body. The young boy whose mother wanted a girl and beat him for playing with a stick as a sword instead of the dolls she bought him. That is abuse, and not the worst cases either. Those you are too delicate to know about.
A mother who slaps,, taps, call it what you will, loved children on the legs because they are adding more pressure to an already stressed woman is not an abuser and those who think she is, are not looking at the situation with realistic eyes. She is trying to keep her family together and a couple of children who did not understand the consequences of their allegations will push her to extremes.
Where is your sympathy for the woman: you are too ready to believe immature minds out for a childish revenge.

I have sympathy for the 2 children who were scared enough of their mum to tell their teachers.

I have sympathy for the children who see their mum drink 2 bottles of wine a week, if that's even all it is.

I have sympathy for the children the OP has stated she WHACKED on the legs.

And yes there are worse cases of abuse, it isn't a case of only the worst cases should be recognised. But I'm not up for the utter bollocks that striking your children isn't abuse. It is.

How grim that you've worked with children who have been abused to then go on and say that the OPs children are just exacting childish revenge, instead of actually offering empathy to the children who have reached out for help despite how scary asking for help actually is.

I do hope with all my heart this family is offered support.

stop using the word abuse and minimising people with 'lived experiences' of abuse and seek therapy yourself for not being able to separate emotions.

No, I'll not stop using the word abuse.

Thanks.

I've also not minimised anyone else's abuse.

I can't bring myself to use the word abuse in relation to a measured form of punishment (like a smack on the hand etc), it just doesn't sit right with me to be honest, to compare it with actual child abuse, where there is no cause and effect or teaching moment, child abuse is simply because an adult enjoys causing harm and fear to a smaller weaker being, they enjoy the power the hold over them.

My personal opinion is that the two are really far removed from each other, and can't be compared, but there will always be people on here who can't seem to see (or won't admit) that there is a massive difference between the two things, and to insist they are the same is very narrow minded IMO.

I think the problem is a lot of instances of parents hitting their kids is because they themselves are angry or frustrated and they lash out in the moment as a way to release that tension, IMO that's very wrong and teaches absolutely nothing, but as much as I wholly disagree with it, as a one off in response to a fraught situation, like in OPs case, I struggle to see it as abuse too if I'm being perfectly honest.

Abuse to me is unprovoked and unwarranted and prolonged, there is no cause and effect, the victim will have done absolutely nothing intentional to cause it, in fact they often go out of their way to avoid it, but the perpetrator of the abuse does it anyway because they want to feel more powerful over a smaller/weaker person, and they know they can achieve that through physical harm or the threat of physical harm.

I have real problems with the idea that hitting can be a... 'teaching moment'. I also have a problem with the idea that 'a measured form of punishment (like a smack on the hand, etc)'
This is the sort of reasoning that has been used to defend the type of 'measured punishments' meted out to young people in schools and care facilities that have learning disabilities and complex needs.
If I, as the parent of someone with complex needs and LDs, who sometimes puts themselves in danger... gave them a smack on the legs in order to 'teach' them that what they were doing was dangerous, does anyone really think that would be right?
When they display challenging behaviour, would it be ok for me to give them a 'whack' on the leg?

What would tht be teaching them?
I am seeing a lot of people saying that these that object to hitting, must be living innocent airy fairy middle class bubble with no experience of challenging children or 'real' abuse... this could not be further from the truth. I just don't believe that children who are going through a trauma or difficult situation themselves, and may be acting out because of that, should be hit... it just perpetuates a pattern of behaviour, and helps no-one.
That doesn't mean I don't feel sympathy for the OP, I do... along with her children. I just believe they need a lot of support to get through this, and hopefully this will be a step towards a resolution, however hard it may be for all of them.

NSPCC don't agree with your definition of abuse. They say "Child abuse happens when someone harms a child"

Yes, there are degrees of abuse. Clearly some abuse is more serious than others