My children told the school I neglect and hit them

[Charliechaplin1988]

I got a call from a social worker after an argument with my daughter over her buss pass being lost again . They went to both my daughters who said they were scared of me and I wasn’t looking after them correctly (I am mid divorce and they are a bit older and I will say my standards have droppee ) but noyhing I can’t fix like more effort at dinner time and more effort with making sure they’ve taken the right equipment . Mt children were removed from me that day and given to my parents and are now being interviewed by police over claims I assult them ! I have pulled them apart and whacked their legs when they were going hell for leather on each other but I can’t believe it’s got here. We are so incredibly close and having them away from me is breaking me. Will I get them back ? I’m their only parent ?!! We’ve been together just us for 11 years as they weren’t close to their step dad and I feel like I’m dying inside. There’s much work I neee to do but everyone is agasijt me ( apart from my children ) who I saw at the weekend and still adore their mother as they have no gravity of the situation ) I’m so so scared

Most people on here will be aghast about the leg hitting, but to be honest I'd be more concerned at the long term 'can't be arsed with them' wallowing type attitude that you have, rather than hitting their legs to break up a fight (if that is the only time you have laid hands on them of course).

It shouldn't come to something like this for you to realise you have been an absent and neglectful parent, I'm glad they had the courage to speak up and the school have stepped up to put this into motion.

Hopefully you will spend more time focusing on their needs and less on your own needs now, it's no real surprise they are fighting all the time if there is no guidance at home, so work on sorting yourself out and cooperate fully with what is required of you.

Well then that's what you should work towards so work with SS. They are not your enemy in this, they also want what's best for your children. Unfortunately you have put a man before them both by making them live with him and then letting him affect you so much that you can't look after your kids and be stable in front of them. You need to get help with getting over this before your kids come back to you full-time, but do spend some time with them if that is what SS thinks.

I agree with this it's a smack on the legs. The emotional neglect is far worse and op needs to put them first before a man.

Why are both your kids saying they are frightened of you and that they are being neglected?

The social worker will assess the situation but the primary goal for everyone will be to return your children to your care if it's safe to do so.

Be honest with the social worker about how you have been feeling and the support that you need. Have you seen your GP for your depression and are you taking medication? There may be some courses that they can put you on to help you improve.

The threshold for removal of children is that the children will (or are already) suffering significant harm. You do not need to be a perfect (or even good) parent although of course this should always be the goal.

One instance of hitting on the back of the legs is cause for concern but it is not illegal (if you are in England) where it amounts to reasonable punishment, therefore it's a subjective test and circumstantial.

Feeding your children pasta for tea is not neglect. Neglect might be not feeding your children at all, feeding them poorly, not providing them with a clean environment or clean clothing, not ensuring that they are attending dentist appointments or relevant medical appointments, misusing drugs/alcohol etc.

You need to prepare to be honest with the services you will encounter, and show genuine willing to overcome these struggles.

Not really the time or place I would say.

OP has been an absent and depressed mother who isn't taking care of her kids fundamental needs. I Think the kids here acting out may even be a result of OPs lack of parenting, rather then being 'naughty' or 'untouchable' just because they can, it is not their fault and is completely out of their control that the only parent they have can't be arsed with them.

OP can choose to get help and treatment for her depression, but instead has allowed herself to wallow (her own words) and allowed the kids to go neglected until the authorities have had to get involved to safeguard them.

I don't think 'kids thinking they are untouchable' is the actual problem here.

OP says she hit them after she'd pulled them apart i.e. the fight was over.

If anyone else (their father, stepdad, a teacher) hit their legs to punish them, no one would think it appropriate. It's also not appropriate if it's a mother. "having a hard time" doesn't give people a free pass to abuse their children. OP is also minimising, which is why people are piling on her. If she'd been horrified and remorseful, it's likely people would have more sympathy.

Becuase I’ve let them both down. I didn’t see how badly . They have a nice house, they eat , they play out with their friends, but reality is I’ve been neglectful of being a present mum which is what they are used to. And the bus pass argument started it off . Theh went to one and then asked the other if they felt the same way. I’m to blame I just want to do what I can to get them home

You need to work on making the home better for them instead of being insistent on getting them home before you've worked on anything at all.

Ask about parenting classes or anything you can do to demonstrate that you're trying to improve.

If they came home from school saying a teacher had whacked them you would be furious, you wouldn't be downplaying it as you are.

Nobody is against you, they are for your children.

I think teenagers, who could be bigger than you, can drive anyone to distraction. I very lightly slapped my larger than me teenage son on the forearm when he had been purposefully aggravating me for weeks. I never did it before or again. I don't think it's good but it's not like battering a little baby.

Hi there, I highly recommend getting a family lawyer and getting legal advice, social services also have to prove u have harmed your children, they can’t just go on what your kids say, there needs to see marks or bruises, I would also suggest staying calm and doing everything they say and ask them what they would like u to do to prove yourself and they would also need to have a court order to take your kids, they cant just taken them without a order from the court
I would also say social services are nasty people and I would suggest doing everything to the letter and really keep your cool because they will use anything and everything against u, I highly recommend getting a lawyer

Nobody should be whacking anyone, even in the spur of the moment. I think it’s probably right that they are not with you for now.

I don’t know much about SS intervention, but I’d hope you’re going to get the support you need to go back to being a good parent. And that in the meantime, your children are feeling safe.

How things change! My then three/four year old DD ran between two cars across a road as a car was coming. I grabbed her and slapped her leg. Is this now abuse? Afaik at the time it was reinforcing the message that you do not run out into the road in front of cars. Only time I ever smacked her, I think (could have murdered her as I had a bag of shopping and library books and she was too old for reins - mercifully it was a quiet street!).
OP however seems out of her depth with much older children - who will not have realised the serious nature of the accusation and were most likely just 'getting back' at mean mum.

SS aren't nasty people. Only people who are unfit parents and angry about it say stuff like that. The children need someone on thier side, that's what SS are. The children don't have any power on their own. The woman who has neglected and hit her children isn't innocent in this and SS aren't the big bad wolf kidnapping kids for the hell of it.

Yes, it’s abuse. What was the message? Put yourself in danger and I’ll hurt you?

I’ve managed to bring 2 children to adulthood without so much as a tap. They all do things that terrify us for a moment. No need to hit them in panic.

It's one thing to be an absent parent but it's another thing to have your children scared of you enough to tell authorities.

Why do you think they are scared of you? and if your family is also against you on this are they seeing something that you aren't?

Well then you are undereducated. Most people are able to raise their kids without getting physical thankfully. But no, in a few (very few in fact) European countries hitting your kids isn't illegal.

It has always been abusive. There's no circumstance in which a much bigger person slapping a much smaller person isn't abusive behaviour.

You managed to juggle your shopping and books enough to assault your child so not sure why you couldn't adequately look after your 3 year old child.

Isn't that legal though? (In England, at least)

I think people are being really harsh on OP. She's a single mum to teens suffering and she has depression.

A smack on the legs to try to break up teens who are physically fighting is no big deal. Its better than leaving them to carry on attacking each other. I find it hard to break up my boys who are not even teens if they get physical. There's no way I could separate them if they were teens.

I hope you get some support and get your daughters home back soon OP.

I always think these threads are really interesting. I wonder what the professionals would have to say. It's never as simple as the OP states. SS don't remove children over nothing

Yeah, it was so much better back in the day when kids were expected to put up and shut up if their parents were abusive.🙄

You may not. I do!

It is in England, NI and Chech Republic. There are some very good reasons it's illegal in the rest of Europe. Don't know why it's taking so long to make it illegal in these three countries when most others understood the damage it does decades ago.

You do realise that the woman you are responding to was brought up in a time when everyone abused children. School teachers caned children, police beat up children, parents caned or smacked their children. My partner talks about a fight he saw in the 70's between a pupil and teacher in secondary school and he punched her in her face. I do know of social workers today who smack up their children. Although a lot of the smacking and caning has stopped by the services it still goes on at home that you don't know about.