My children told the school I neglect and hit them

[Charliechaplin1988]

I got a call from a social worker after an argument with my daughter over her buss pass being lost again . They went to both my daughters who said they were scared of me and I wasn’t looking after them correctly (I am mid divorce and they are a bit older and I will say my standards have droppee ) but noyhing I can’t fix like more effort at dinner time and more effort with making sure they’ve taken the right equipment . Mt children were removed from me that day and given to my parents and are now being interviewed by police over claims I assult them ! I have pulled them apart and whacked their legs when they were going hell for leather on each other but I can’t believe it’s got here. We are so incredibly close and having them away from me is breaking me. Will I get them back ? I’m their only parent ?!! We’ve been together just us for 11 years as they weren’t close to their step dad and I feel like I’m dying inside. There’s much work I neee to do but everyone is agasijt me ( apart from my children ) who I saw at the weekend and still adore their mother as they have no gravity of the situation ) I’m so so scared

If OP is abiding by the law, including feeding, clothing, etc her teens, I don't understand the police interviewing?

Teens can, of course, choose where they live, but police involvement?

Something doesn't measure up.

@Charliechaplin1988 , for now when meeting with SS I’d go with you hope and want the children back with you when you’ve put in the work. Ask for help, it’s what SS are for. You need help with your depression , maybe medication plus therapy, ask about parenting classes, ask for advice. Show yourself willing to repair and move forward. Ask if your children can have counselling, therapy, ask what will help them. I think the asking, showing you’re open to advice is better than saying I want my kids back, I’ll do what it takes. It’ll take a lot and you can’t do it all alone when you’re depressed.
I hope everything works out for the best.

So your family who can't bear to look at you.

Did they know you were struggling & if so where were they when you needed them?

I've never smacked my kids. I prefer to use my words.

HOWEVER, if it's legal to smack, then what's the issue?

Probably missing the point but I don't see how whacking them on the legs would stop them from fighting or why there were not other options available to you to resolve conflict.

If I was a social worker, which I'm not, I would wonder how you would prevent this happening again if they were to fight again, or how conflict resolution is modelled in your house for them to resort to fighting in the first place.

Yeah but u can’t say this lady is a horrible parent, your not living her life and are not there, social services are not your friends, they judge and they use everything against u and they are there to take your kids from u, u don’t know this lady’s circumstance, all I’m saying is don’t be so quick to judge people, u also got to remember that giving a child a slap on the back of the legs is not a beating, there was a time where hitting your kids was normal, I got a hit on my bum when i was a kid because I was being really naughty that doesn’t make my parents bad parents, all it showed me is that there are boundaries and there are things u can and can’t do, if u don’t teach your kids this how are they going to know what’s right or wrong

They were meant to be enjoying retirement in America and only flew home for a funeral so it’s ruined their travel plans

Did they smack you as a kid, OP?

I was always given a smack on the bum.
it seems to have gone really far really quickly but there was also an annonymous call made which was initially ignored which is believed to be my ex husband as his son doesn’t want to visit our area anymore now he’s not living with me and my kids. There’s lots to it, but I can’t deny I have let the ball drop and need to be better but I’m just so scared .

My mum did this to me in junior school when I wasn't at the school gates to be picked up, I was going to another friends after school which had been pre-arranged, she knew about it but had just forgotten about it. When I got home she actually spanked me.

The reality was she beat me because she was scared something had happened to me and furious that I wasn't where I was supposed to be.. it was the only time she ever hit me, but I'll never forget the injustice of it to be honest, she never apologised.

I've seen loads of times when parents lash out from fright or anger or frustration, and it isn't to teach a lesson, it is a physical manifestation of your lack of emotional control and IMO that is unfair on the child. She didn't do it on purpose to frighten you or get run over, but she was punished as if she did. I always remember my 'lesson' and vowed never to lash out in anger or frustration with my own kids.

Well hopefully they are happy to help out for their GDs' sakes & for yours.

SS aren't there to take anyone's kids ffs.

You can give kids boundries and teach them right from wrong without resorting to assaulting them.

I've seen loads of times when parents lash out from fright or anger or frustration, and it isn't to teach a lesson, it is a physical manifestation of your lack of emotional control and IMO that is unfair on the child.

🔔🔔🔔

What do you?

Social services are not the enemy, they try to keep families together wherever possible and it does seem like you admit that you are not coping as well as you could and need some help.
Be honest with all professionals involved. They can't help if you minimise problems and it will make things more complicated if you are found to be not truthful about things.
Follow their advice to the letter. Meaningful engagement is the fastest way to resolving the situation.

Me too. My goodness there are some smug shitbags on here 😡

Yeah they are, they literally get paid to do so, if they wasn’t there to take your kids why would they do everything in there power to set u up and make things very difficult for u and they note every little thing down and use all of it against u

giving them a slap is not attacking them, attacking them would be punching, kicking and more then 2 slaps, sometimes kids don’t learn from being told not to do something, when I was younger if I was told not to do something I would go and do it but if my dad gave me a smack bottom I wouldn’t do it

You say your girls are 'missing their mother' in a 3rd person way. Sounds sort of dissociated. Not I'm missing them and they're missing me. Children can miss their father or their mother without them missing the person themselves and all the chaos and crap that comes with them.

I suspect you're underplaying this all these posts given your kids have been removed from you. If that's the case you need a healthy dose of self-awareness

Equally, early teens kids have a very strong sense of their rights and can start pushing these sorts of things into motion without really understanding the consequences. They're on a path now. And being interviewed by police which in my experience is not normal

Are they doing better now they are with your parents? The fact that your parents are angry etc with you seems to suggest this is more than just being a bit crap with stuff.

It's a wake up call to all of you. To them, if they are overstating things. To you. if you are being neglectful / abusive

It’s illegal in Wales and Scotland, I didn’t realise it’s not technically illegal in England, which is a bit shocking.

I completely agree with u, well said

Hope you’re doing ok OP.

I think the key issue is that both your kids said they were scared of you, so SS will want to understand why they feel that way and what’s going on in your family. If what you’ve described is true I think they’ll back with you fairly soon. Ss don’t have time to supervise every child whose been once on the leg (not that that’s ok to do that) and having pasta for dinner every night is still food so that’s not neglect.

I agree with others that you should cooperate completely, take all the help offered and not minimise the hitting incident.

Are you getting support for yourself? I think you being in therapy would be a good start as far as Ss in concerned.

Crazy it isn’t illegal. You can’t hit an adult for misbehaving but you’re allowed to hit a child

It's legal for a husband to call his wife a fat slag every 10 minutes. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it's not abuse.

No they don't get paid to remove people's children.

Clearly you have had issues where you feel hard done by, but it's ridiculous to suggest they get paid to break up families.

A slap is assault, in every definition of the word. If you think it's absolutely OK to do it if someone isn't listening why not slap people at work?

@Charliechaplin1988 this sounds like a scary and difficult situation to suddenly find yourself in. Hopefully the investigation will highlight that you are a family in need of some additional support at the moment.

Be very honest about your depression ( are you receiving treatment?) but equally do mention the stuff you are doing such as ( hopefully) feeding regular meals, laundry, ensuring school attendance and meeting their emotional needs. If you need more support with some of these then be honest.

SS don’t have the resources to remove children without a lot of evidence and unless the situation is dire they need to show that they have provided support which ha not resulted in change for care proceedings to be considered.

If your DC are fighting regularly then perhaps they need additional support with their emotional needs.

This may be a place of change and if you are honest and there’s no backstory here things should improve for you all.

best wishes.