My children told the school I neglect and hit them

[Charliechaplin1988]

I got a call from a social worker after an argument with my daughter over her buss pass being lost again . They went to both my daughters who said they were scared of me and I wasn’t looking after them correctly (I am mid divorce and they are a bit older and I will say my standards have droppee ) but noyhing I can’t fix like more effort at dinner time and more effort with making sure they’ve taken the right equipment . Mt children were removed from me that day and given to my parents and are now being interviewed by police over claims I assult them ! I have pulled them apart and whacked their legs when they were going hell for leather on each other but I can’t believe it’s got here. We are so incredibly close and having them away from me is breaking me. Will I get them back ? I’m their only parent ?!! We’ve been together just us for 11 years as they weren’t close to their step dad and I feel like I’m dying inside. There’s much work I neee to do but everyone is agasijt me ( apart from my children ) who I saw at the weekend and still adore their mother as they have no gravity of the situation ) I’m so so scared

If the police want to talk to you, even ‘voluntarily’ please do not ever speak to them without a lawyer.

They are probably hungry as well- Pasta isn’t very nutritious.

Kids don’t need to be “proud of” their parents, but they do need a stable, present caring parent, not a self absorbed one.

Work with social workers- not against them.

They do

If this is the truth, it sounds like a pretty normal situation. This happened to a friend of mine....school called the police over something very small and from then on my friend had absolutely no authority at home and the daughter ran rings around her.

This isn't abuse. We can't expect women to not react to difficult circumstances and just continue as if nothing is happening. She's trying her best and the kids are being fed. Most of us have lashed out under extreme stress.

If two kids say to their teachers that their mum hits them and scares them do you think nobody should do anything? Do you think police should shrug and go meh? They have acted in an emergency situation to safeguard these kids while they find out if they are safe to go home. Assuming that they are safe before they have investigated is how children get seriously injured or killed by parents. It takes a lot for kids to tell adults outside of the family that they are being hurt at home. They should always be listened to and taken seriously.

It sounds like you have been dealing with a difficult time, poorly. That is an explanation but not an excuse. I would think that if you have not missed out massive chunks of other things - that if you engage fully with social services they will be wanting to return the children to you as soon as possible.
They will talk to the school to see if this is a recent set of events in a usually unproblematic family.
You also need to do engage with any support services available to help you get through this and prevent it happening again. To develop coping strategies for the future.

This is a wake up call for you. I also think that perhaps your children reporting what happened shows they know that this isn't normal so in some ways would suggest they know what is acceptable and are concerned rather than children constantly neglected, abused who do not know this is not normal.

I bet you only lash out at kids. Or do you also lash at coworkers when under extreme stress at work? No? Why not?

Are the kids happier at your mums?

This is important context which was missing from the original post and may explain why the authorities made the decision to temporarily remove your girls. If your daughters told them about the drinking issues/upkeep of the house then their actions make more sense.

It's good that you've stopped the drinking. If you're able to evidence steps that you're taking to improve things, this will be helpful for your case. It might be a good idea to make a list of the actions you've been taking to show you're taking things seriously. You mentioned antidepressants too, if you've recently been to the doctors to seek help then I would include this too as it shows you're being proactive.

(Edit to add - I thought you said two bottles a night, not a week! which depending on the individual probably isn't too outlandish - but I would still highlight this as one of the actions you've taken)

"It's not domestic abuse, it's just a man smacking his wife to teach her a lesson"

Can you see how stupid that sounds.

In the case I’m thinking it involved a belt and the bloke laughing about it is in his twenties.

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast That is obviously not acceptable.
I am older and I meet older white people who laugh about being beaten as a child. Its sad.

Your mother didn't beat you, she spanked you. Being spanked is nothing like being beaten. She should have apologised btw, it was her mistake and I feel for the injustice you experienced.
I didn't 'lash out' but I was frightened. My DD had missed by inches being mown down by a car because she'd let go of me and walked into the road. I smacked her. I did not beat her. A smack is not beating nor is it the primrose path to beating. Beating is being hit round the head, bounced off the walls, thrown against the table, hit with a belt etc. A smack is a warning that something is dangerous given to a child too young to reason with - and the naughty step (horrible idea anyway) was not available two streets away from home. DD never ran into the road again. I don't think I ever smacked her again, either.
Showing remarkable constraint, I did not smack/wring the neck of my 12 year old son when he had gone - in daylight - to the post box just down the road (5 mins there and back maximum) and then not returned for over half an hour. I had already dialed 999 (a child missing for half an hour is in danger) when he sauntered into the house saying he had stopped to watch a chimney fire (pyromaniac to this day) being dealt with in the next street. I did shout a bit. I suppose that's abuse, too?
In context, my children played in the street and in the gardens of neighbours, as well as the copse behind the houses (which had a stream running through it), all day, with friends, with little supervision except to know they should be home by dusk - and come in for meals. They had bikes, they rode everywhere.

Social services don’t remove children because you slapped their legs once (although this is abhorrent), drink two bottles of wine a week and ‘resort to pasta’ too often. I think you need to be honest with yourself here

@Grammarnut I’m not sure it’s helpful to the op or the thread for you to use it to repeatedly justify hitting your kids. Start another thread

Do you have a solicitor, OP?

Good luck for your meeting. I would think through what's been going wrong and what concrete steps you can put in place and explain to SS, to show that you are aware of what you have done and that you are taking steps to ensure that things are better at home.

How does smacking them teach them that running into the road is dangerous?

Exactly! My DD also ran into the road at around 3. I didn’t smack her but she never did it again. There is no correlation between smacking and teaching a lesson. All it does is tell the child you can’t be trusted and it’s ok to smack people who does something you don’t like.

Well you "whacked their legs" so you did assault them. They obviously didn't feel it was a very loving environment for them to be saying these things.

No they do not. But they might ask the children to stay with another family member while they investigate whether there is more going on. If there is not, the kids will be returned.

If you children are happy away from you, they are disloyal and clever. However if your children are miserable being away from you, they are disloyal and stupid. I don't know what you should do - it is not like you administered regular beatings (which only became illegal in schools in the 1980s). The world has gone mad, and if you want to be left alone, you have to play by the rules of social services.

So make sure you have a good solicitor and do whatever he/she says. It's imperative not to speak to the police without one.

I have 13 year old twin girls who fight like cat and dog sometimes, I'd rather them hash it out between them...I might shout "stop!" but wouldn't dream of smacking them! That's just joining in the violence.

Sanity. Not that any school in the maintained sector went in for beatings in the 1980s.
OP seems a little self-absorbed, though.

Well done for breaking the cycle 💐