So embarrassed I wanted to die.

[Katkins17]

So I bought my shopping in Tesco...as you do....said thank you to the cashier when she gave me the receipt and my brain couldn't decide whether it wanted to say 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' so instead it shouted quite loudly to the cashier and the whole queue behind me ...

'YOU'RE THE PROBLEM'

I just stood there, with us all looking uncomfortable and not knowing what to say .... plus a few sniggers behind.

What is the worse thing you've said without meaning to ?????

Not what I said but how I said it. A dear friend of mine passed away and I was tasked with giving the eulogy at her memorial service. I'd never done anything like that before so was a bit nervous as well as emotional. I step into the pulpit clutching my sheets of paper and start delivering the eulogy in a voice loud enough so the people at the back could hear. What I hadn't noticed was the tiny microphone in front of me "I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TODAY TO REMEMBER AND CELEBRATE THE LIFE OF....... I instantly knew what was happening and that I should pipe down but I panicked and continued to deliver the whole thing at maximum volume. I could turn inside out thinking about it now, but I know my friend would have found it hilarious.

@BerryCakewell that's so funny I do that as well my brain jumbles letters around 😂😂😂

This is my sense of humour in a nutshell 🤣🤣🤣

"I'm here for you"
"Thank you so much, mate!"
"This is your Uber driver"

Worked at an old school sales business - first job from university. My really good friend was having a one to one with our manager at her desk. It was quite awkward and she was getting a hard time.
In an effort to be funny I sent ‘YOU’VE BEEN BITCH SLAPPED’ in huge font to my friend. Only I didn’t. I sent it to my manager.
The horror.

Haha, I’ve got a few! Have posted one of them on a similar thread, but it still makes me laugh so I’ll share it again

I had a complete self-editing fail when diagnosing a patient with sweat rash, and confidently announced that he had ‘chub rub’. I was horrified at myself, but he thankfully found it hilarious. I apologised profusely and blamed baby brain!

The Asda driver came to the gate and instead of saying “hello”, I saw a tin of baked beans in the crate he’d brought to the gate with him as I opened my mouth to speak, and instead greeted him with an almost expressionless “beans”.

Called my dog in from the garden, but inexplicably shouted “Molly!”…he is a boy, his name isn’t Molly, and have never even had a pet named Molly. He came in anyway

Oh god this is brilliant, I am crying 😂

This thread is brilliant! Thanks @Katkins17 , I needed this as it’s been a shitty day

I worked in Costa while I was at uni. It was very busy and I had been making coffees for about an hour. I looked up and saw a guy waiting for his drink wearing a Nirvana t-shirt. I put the coffee I had made on the counter and went to shout "single shot latte" but ended up yelling "Nirvana!!!" at the top of my voice. Everyone in the shop stopped and looked at me and Nirvana guy just sniggered. I wanted to die!

I once told the Ocado driver that I loved him. You know, in the way that you do with friends just before you say goodbye. I was mortified.

This is probably identifying but here goes.
The place I work in uses various platforms that are named after planets / space. So we have Galaxy, Saturn etc.

I was in a meeting with my boss, his boss and 4 or so colleagues. I was mid sentence explaining a process when I could not for the life of me remember the name of the platform I was referring to, I got really worked up and was trying to get them to help me along. ‘ ah you know the one I’m talking about, the planet, you know, sounds like penis’

My boss really causally deadpan says ‘ Venus’

Thank you everyone...you've made a totally cringe moment seem normal !!!

I've snorted out loud at many of these.

Another mortifying moment was at the first funeral I ever went to...I had no idea of the etiquette...

The family Had sadly lost their wonderful mum, who truly was a beautiful person.

They were receiving the guests ( if that's the right phrase) at the door of the crematorium and me...being anxious and nervous said, all breezy 'Hi how are you ???'

It wasn't until my friend behind me said 'I'm sorry for your loss' did I realise how totally inappropriate I sounded.

My toes still curl remembering it to this day.

When I was a student I worked in a retail store in the Trafford Centre. I was on the till about to serve a really good looking guy and my brain tried to say “Hello” and “Hiya” at the same time but came out as “HEYOO”. Wanted to die on the spot.

I’ve also signed off formal emails to clients with “Please don’t contact me” instead of “Please don’t hesitate to contact me”.

I gave a young colleague a lift home one evening when the weather was bad. She insisted that I had to meet her parents so they could thank me too, so in I went, had a cup of tea with them, all good. As I was leaving, the weather had really taken a turn for the worse, and as they stood on their doorstep waving me off, her mum shouted "Safe journey home!" I shouted back "You too!" Yeah, that really treacherous journey from their front door to their own living room!

Actually I just embarrassed myself today again. I was at the vet with our very elderly cat, got a locum vet who I hadn't met before. Really good vet - an older chap and quite formal. His name is Bob, and as we were leaving I said "Thanks babe, nice to meet you!" I couldn't look back because I was too busy cringing myself inside out, but I heard a little quiet "You too dear." Oh well, they do say you only get the one chance to make a first impression don't they?!

I am that waitress!!😁

i spend a lot of my day talking to the public, and sometimes my words get mixed up or I just say daft things… the “ love you” to customers happens way too often, as does saying “bye!” to customers who are just popping to the toilet!

I think my embarrassment died years ago!😁

Once when I was in hospital drugged up on meds, and badly lacking sleep. I needed the loo but could not remember the word commode, and I decided it was a modem that I needed. I realised that I had used the wrong name when the nurses kept giving me strange looks before walking off.

I was once presenting in teams to a large audience and part of my talk was around proportionality and using a sledge hammer to crack a nut. I continued to tell everyone I liked nuts 😁😁😁 lots of sniggers and I wanted the ground to swallow me.

Yeah, a few years ago I was in Tesco with my kids. at the self checkout DS5 was being silly and grabbing the basket and trying to pull it off the side.
Getting quite cross, I firmly grabbed his wrist and hissed 'pack it in' without even looking at him.
Imagine my horror and DSD's hilarity when I looked at him and realised I had a staff members wrist in my grip as she had leant across and gone to help with moving the basket.
She still looks at me funny now.

I properly shook with silent laughter when I read this - thank you!

This is totally outing, but can't be arsed to name change. Years ago I worked in a supermarket and was restocking the tomatoes, when a lady asked me where a particular item was. I tried to tell her that I would show her when I had finished what I was doing. Unfortunately my brain stated to say I will just throw out these tomatoes , but at the last second thought chuck would be better. I actually said "Just one minute, while I fuck these tomatoes." She looked a bit shocked, my colleague nearly wet herself laughing, and all I could manage was a quick "This way please."

😆 Funny!

I do have this weird habit of saying this...

eg: if someone is serving me with train tickets - from a booth in the train station - and they say 'have a nice train journey and a nice time in London' I have said 'thank you, you too!'

I've done so many things like this.

When I was at school a teacher realised that I went by a nickname rather than my full first name so he asked me if I would prefer him to use my full name or my nickname. I debated between "I don't mind" and "it doesn't matter" and came out with "I don't matter" instead. I still blush thinking of how loudly the whole class laughed from that.

In my teens I worked in a local Chinese takeaway and we had to answer the phone with "Hello, (takeaway name). Can I take your order please?" Except I confused many of my parents' friends and our family members by also answering our home phone this way.

I also did something similar to the PP with the squirrel on the bus. I was also out without my kids and saw a fire engine so I yelled "Look a nee naw!" to the whole bus. I do have form for this even before I had children though as I did the same when I was on a coach trip through France and blurted out "look baby moos!" at a field of cows and calves.

I walked outside out the door of a shopping centre and... I farted. There was a man standing there and he laughed at me. I went straight back in the door

I once worked with a very cheerful, lovely bloke with a strong Scottish accent who used to greet me every day with what sounded to me like 'Howryou?', and I'd always respond 'Fine' or whatever and then 'How are things with you?' After a few weeks of this someone took me aside in the office kitchen and explained that my colleague was saying 'Hallloooo' each morning and was bemused that I and others responded by reporting on our state of health.

Since then when I want to be cheery I sometimes find myself greeting people with his 'Hellloooo' — and they quite often respond with a report on their well-being...

Oh my goodness 🤣🤣
I love this.