So embarrassed I wanted to die.

[Katkins17]

So I bought my shopping in Tesco...as you do....said thank you to the cashier when she gave me the receipt and my brain couldn't decide whether it wanted to say 'you're welcome' or 'no problem' so instead it shouted quite loudly to the cashier and the whole queue behind me ...

'YOU'RE THE PROBLEM'

I just stood there, with us all looking uncomfortable and not knowing what to say .... plus a few sniggers behind.

What is the worse thing you've said without meaning to ?????

Yes!!! It’s so weird isn’t it? No problem thinking of words at any other time but when specifically asked it’s like your brain thinks of the most random bizarre word ever

This thread is making me cry 😂

Not the point, I know, @PoshHorseyBird, but garlic is poisonous to dogs…

I was assessing a first aid course student & asked what they would do with someone was choking but back slaps hadn't helped.

He went quiet for a bit & then said brightly 'oh yes! I'd perform the pelvic thrusts'.

He meant abdominal thrusts.

Instead of saying “Lovely, thank you” to the butcher in the crowded shop, I said a cheery “Love you”. Never left a shop so fast !

In a travel agent booking our honeymoon and the female representative asked which dates we wanted to book. My mind was straying due to general overload and turning to her I said "Eh, what dates witch?"

I've probably told this one before, but many years ago, my mum was helping me to rearrange some furniture in my student accommodation; and among other things, unscrewing some shelves and then putting them back in a different place. I did a lot of fetching and carrying, but she, being much more handy than me, did the really skilled work. At the end, I thanked her. She pointed out that I'd done much of the work myself. I replied without thinking, 'Yes, but you did all the screwing!'

🤣🤣🤣

Years ago I worked for a foreign boss who always wrote "have a nice baby" in people's cards who were going on maternity leave.

Just remembered another faux pas.

I was in Tesco really late at night - all the self-checkouts were empty, bar one. It's quite a big Tesco so there's around 15 self-checkouts available.

In fairness, I was still trying not to drop my shopping as I didn't have a basket. I absent-mindedly went over to one of the checkouts and piled up my stuff ready to start scanning. I then looked at the screen and realised it looked different.....next thing there's a polite voice right in my ear saying "Oh, just one moment, I've nearly finished paying..."

I had walked over to the ONLY checkout being used and piled my stuff up right next to the man who was checking out. On the self-checkout till he was still fucking using - while 14 other tills were free. I was literally standing RIGHT next to him like some weird Tesco stalker. I don't even know how I managed this.

14 empty tills but nope. My subconscious apparently didn't want any of those.

The checkout supervisor was just staring at me 😅

Oh, I have another one.

I was on my way home from work, lived with parents at the time. It was a residential street and night time, so it was dark out. As I was walking up to the house I saw my brothers GF parked up and leaning into her car getting her stuff out. I ran up to her, grabbed her waist and said RAAAAAR, to try and make her jump.

But it wasn’t her.

Someone with an almost identical lime green Corsa had decided to park opposite my mums house that night! That was pretty bloody awkward, but she never parked there again 😂

A work colleague was giving a small first aid demo in a teenage boys private school on the stage during assembly.

Demonstrating the recovery position with a volunteer she said 'and you just pull them until they come in your lap.'

This wasn’t me but 2 of my colleagues. They had went to speak to our shared boss to request a payrise and instead of saying “sorry we’re not here to gang up on you” they instead said “sorry we’re not here to gang bang you”. This was 10 years ago and I still cry laughing everytime I think about it.

This is absolutely hilarious 😂

Whole thread is cracking me up 😀

Not me, but I once heard a headteacher refer to 'My school's INSET (in-service training) days'. But what she actually said was 'My school's incest days'!

I’m absolutely creasing at this 😂

I may have mentioned this before. When I was a teen, my cousin came to stay in our village and brought her little girl of about 3. We had to go up to the vicarage to drop something off. I knocked, the door opened. The vicar stood there, looked down at the tot who looked back sternly at him, pointed and said "You, fuck off!".

Years and years ago we went ten pin bowling. It was back when the gutter guards were those loooong inflatable tube things that had to be physically put in and taken out.
I wasn't very good at bowling and wanted the gutter guard to have half a chance!
When buying our tickets I couldn't think of the phrase 'gutter guard'. So I eventually just said, erm, you know, the big sausage things in the lanes! The sausage things! THE SAUSAGES!!! YOU KNOW!!!
The poor lass looked so confused, and eventually seemed to twig and said oh yes, I will arrange this for you.
Got to our lane, no gutter guard, but a lane attendant turned up saying they were here to take our food order but unfortunately they didn't do sausages 😆

I did something like this a few weeks ago at work.

A delivery truck drove through the gate onto our building site and I shouted "LOOK AT THAT BIG LOWWY" to my 3 year old, who obviously wasn't there. The guys I was standing with just looked at me then carried on talking. Absolutely horrific.

What? Why though..?

@Charleyarleyfarley you’re coming with me on my next night out & I’m buying the drinks!

😂
These are brilliant

My mate in Waitrose, went up to her partner and dry humped him as he leant in the freezer & said (in the style of a parrot ) "who's a sexy boy then, who's a sexy boy" Followed by chripy whistle trill
It wasn't her partner , he was stood talking to me and my partner! I think about it often and still makes me laugh so much

I once taught a class of year 10’s with a pair of tights dangling down the back of my trousers. They’d been washed in the trouser leg and managed to work their way free without me noticing a thing.

At the end of an exchange of 2 emails with a headteacher, he ended his final email with.
'Love you
Dad
xx'

Followed 20 second later by
'Oh God! I am so sorry. I was texting my daughter in Australia at the same time. I am so sorry!'

I believe him 😁

I was in the middle of wrangling the children to go up for a shower before bed. They were all mucky after playing out in the garden.

Phone call from the shopping delivery man:

”Hello Mrs ApplePie, I’m just calling to ask if it’s ok to deliver your shopping early this evening.”

Me: “yes that’s absolutely fine. Now straight upstairs and take all your clothes off.”

… silence at the other end of the phone …