I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

Just wondered how you're doing @plantlife?

Plantlife its been a while- are you alright? Did you go back?

Checking in @plantlife, how are you doing?

I hope wherever you are you're feeling okay plantlife. I know it's stupid because I don't know you but sometimes you pop into my head.

Hi @Plantlife I’m sorry I didn’t see this thread sooner, Ive been rather busy myself.

I’m so pleased to see that you’ve got yourself out of there, I hope you haven’t gone back. I’m sorry that you were having such a difficult time mentally. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, getting out was the start of a long and difficult road to recovery, which you have now found out, but where you hadn’t started on taht road when you were stil with him, you’re on it now and moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel like you are.

Please check in and tell us how you’re doing. We aren’t cross with you. I actually say the other subjects board come up on active and thought of you, so I came over and looked for threads that might be yours. I’m sorry it took so long, I have moved half way up the country and broke up with my long term girlfriend etc, so I’ve been in a bit of turmoil of my own.

Please come back and tell us how you’re getting on, and try to stay strong. It’s a long and difficult road you’re on but don’t give up, you’ll have dark days but then you’ve lived through worse, and things will get better. xxx

I'm really sorry. I wasn't going to post again because I don't want to upset anyone and scared he'll see it or someone else will. I'm really sorry because I don't want to say the wrong thing. You really tried to help me. I shouldn't post but can't lie. Everything's got worse. My worse fear happening and I wish I'd never left because I'd rather be dead than be homeless. I need to be back with him. I can't sleep or eat with worry. I think I've been kept here just long enough for them to say no more risk of domestic violence so now end up homeless. I need to be back with him and don't care what he does It's my punishment for betraying the person who kept me safe. He's the only one who does that. It feels like the fear I had with him never go away. Just ongoing fear and worry and never being safe. Leaving was the biggest mistake of my life and made everything worse. He's right that I need him. Sorry for bad update. Sorry

I'm really sorry about you splitting up with your girlfriend @Whatisthisfuckery. I'm sorry. I hope you're ok. I'm sorry for upsetting you with my update. I'm panicking and so much has gone wrong because of short staff or misunderstandings. It's not their fault although I don't think they like me but they've been really kind but it's just all gone wrong and maybe too late to have a way out to ever be safe. I'm really sorry again and really hope you're ok. I'm grateful to all people on here who tried to help. I know I've failed you all.

I think you need some serious MH support plantlife. And I mean medical support. Can you get a referral? Urgently? Just hold tight and know that right now your mind is playing awful tricks on you. You're traumatised. Probably not sleeping. Still in a refuge 6 months on. Out of an incredibly abusive relationship.

But the thing with going back is it gets more dangerous every time. He could well kill you. So problem by problem you need to find a solution. Get vaccinated. Get work. Talk to a friend. About anything at all. Sort out the flat and anything you have there (get someone to pick your stuff up?)

But first your MH. You're slipping down a very big black hole and sound very unwell. Bipolar maybe? Certainly a pretty serious depression (there's always shame with depression). Grit your teeth snd see a specialist. Tell yourself that right now it's like having a broken leg. You can't walk on a broken leg and it needs to be in plaster for 6 weeks.

Your brain is out of action. It needs to be put in plaster and you need to trust the judgment of the smart people who helped you here last time. They know what they are doing and they care. You are your own worst enemy right now. Listening to advice is the strongest thing you can do, not listening doesn't make you independent- it makes you very vulnerable.

If you are severely depressed and not getting treated or have an untreated MH condition every interaction is fraught with danger in your mind. You are not your best self.

Honestly this just screams out at me. The apologising. Being terrified they don't like you. Trusting nothing or no one. The fatalism. The guilt and shame. I bet it's every second of every day inside your head - constantly telling yourself how shit you are.

This is a medical problem. Not fixable with therapy until it's controlled medically.

I'm not mentally ill. I'm very frightened and in a very bad situation where short staffing and virus chaos messed up getting the right help. Some things have a time limit and now too late. I'm not mentally ill but Ive asked for counselling for the trauma but nowhere will accept me until settled address. He said he'd make everyone believe I was mental and looks like he's got what he wanted if everyone thinks same as you. I don't even care anymore. I shouldn't have betrayed him. I don't think I'm shit. I think my situation is shit. I know it's shit. Everything I feared and the reason I didn't leave for so long is happening. I'm not mental. I'm traumatised but thats different. I'm too frightened to say what's happened in case someone like him or refuge staff recognises me. I've written loads in the past about what I was scared would happen if I left and it's happening. It's real and really happening and not mental illness. That's not me being mental. I'm also not being paranoid. They don't like me. One of them told me. They've left and everyone's pretending nothing happened so I know I should try to forget it but it's made it much harder to trust the others. She only let her mask slip just before she left. I just typed out what's happened but deleted because can't risk making them upset or angry if they see this. I'm very frightened and distressed and traumatised but not mentally ill. How is it mental illness that a council won't house me because they're saying no longer at risk of violence now in a refuge? Obviously I have to go back to him. Either to start again or to be at risk so I can get housed.

I might not get through this but I'm not going to be drugged up. I need practical help like safe housing not drugs.

Oh dear, I’m sorry things don’t feel like they’ve got any better. Please keep hanging in there. Things have been an absolute mess this last year but they will start improving soon. You won’t end up on the street. You were not safe with him, if you were you wouldn’t have had to leave.He has not kept you safe. He has turned you into a mentally and emotionally broken person, that was not keeping you safe.

Please hang in there, and please try to get some MH support. Have we not all been right about everything else? We are right about this too, you know we are.

Please hang on in there and try to stay strong. You’ve done so well, even if you dont’ feel like it. Things will get better.

@Mintychocolate I have reported you. Never in my time on Mumsnet have I read comments which made me feel physically ill and so shocked. Comments like yours I believe could cause the OP serious harm. Your comments are DISGUSTING. Shame on you. Beyond appalling.

OP, if you have read those comments, please erase them from your mind, we are all here supporting you, we hear you, we’re listening, we are NOT making judgments. Please please ignore that previous poster. I hope you’re okay, your last post made me cry, I just want to hug you and hold your hand 💐

@plantlife

I might not get through this but I'm not going to be drugged up. I need practical help like safe housing not drugs.

I would contact the mental health charity MIND. You don't need to see a doctor or have a mental health diagnosis, you just have to be a person suffering and needing support, which you are. MIND own and run houses for people to live in who are having problems and need help to get their life back on track. They have staff in some of the houses and they give you a support worker to help you change your situation.

Another way to get housing is to become a student. Loans at special rates which you don't always have to pay back, grants and discounts etc. The university help with organising housing and advise for all the financial side. You can get counselling through the university once you're a student too. Even if you don't get a good degree it doesn't matter if the aim of being there is just to be safe and give you time to sort your life out.

You've done so well to come this far, it would be a shame to go back to him now when that isn't what you want.

Look into housing association in other parts of the UK too, some of them have open register which means anyone can join not just people with a connection to the area. Perhaps your current area has deemed you to not be a high priority but that doesn't mean you can't still be on the list for home.

Good for you, Plantlife. What you have done is not easy at all so it is quite an achievement.

You need a lot of help and support to get you through this. You NEED counselling, if you read your thread with just your comments, your feelings are absolutely all over the place, one minute you have left a place where you could have been killed to he was the only one who kept you safe. The fact you are so so all over the place months after just shows how he is not a safe option for you, going back will only lead to a life time of abuse and neglect. I know you hate where you are, but to move forward you need to be there. Pills only mask the issues they don't cure you. Your first step on your road to recovery and a safe happy life you did! You left. Now you need to work on your mental health go to the gp give him/her the information you need to get the right treatment.

Even in your darkest hour away from him you are completely safe and a hundreds times safer than your best hour with him!

You have a great journey ahead of you... you have your life back! Fill it with people who respect you, are kind to you, who respect your human right to live safely.

You did the right thing don't look back move forward x

Hope you're doing ok today plantlife. I forgot to mention Citizens Advice Bureau is another place you can get advice. They might have ideas you haven't thought of yet or know of other organizations that could help you which you might not have heard of before.

I want to say about your fears of people forcing you to have medication for mental health. That isn't going to happen. Even if you had a mental health problem you could choose not to take meds. The only people that can force it is doctors when you're sectioned. And for that to happen you pretty much have to be running down the high street with a knife screaming about aliens or have planned to take your own life immediately. People can be in desperate circumstances and the psychiatric hospitals won't let them in because they haven't got enough beds. So don't be afraid to speak to counsellors or social workers etc they're not going to drug you or lock you up.

I'm scared. I went back. I knew I was making a mistake but I genuinely felt like I had no option. It went really badly wrong at the refuge and in the end they got rid of me in a way that made it seem like it was me deciding to go but it wasn't. I know no one will believe me and I'm too scared to say what happened but I promise I'm telling the truth. One of the staff asked me to leave a while back and saying it was time to for me to move on. I agreed but had nowhere safe to move on too. Then they left and everybody acted like nothing had been said but since then they started being horrible but in a non obvious way. Not all of them and some were so nice and kind but the nice ones obviously weren't in all the time and I felt really vulnerable when the ones who didn't like me were in.

I was so scared for so many years of leaving because of housing and I was there so many months but had only just started applying for anywhere. I tried to do it before but they kept putting me off. I feel really scared that I won't get any help to leave now. I feel Iike a sitting duck but don't know what to do. I managed to get on a housing association list but they said if I left refuge I'd no longer be eligible as it's to rehouse women from refuges. I had a social worker supporting me at the refuge and actually it was only because she started helping that I finally got housing applications done. Refuge staff kept putting me off or saying someone who was a trainee who I'd spoken to only once would do it. The housing departments kept asking to speak to my actual support worker. The social worker referred me to social services in my home area but they don't help. They only support if you need help with washing or dressing. I told the social worker that but she said they had to by law and they'd help with rehousing. They didn't care at all in my home area. I knew they wouldn't. I think she got it wrong because the refuge area is much better with support. I definitely don't want to push it with social services as scared it will just mean them calling police with safety concerns. All police would do is arrest him but no actual safe home for me to go to.

I feel really defeated but don't know if I'm just panicking. I've been told no other refuge will want me because I've already been in another one for so long. I'm even more scared of going to one now after what happened. I thought I could go back very briefly then get temporary accommodation with the council I applied to but I've not heard from them since the application and I'm getting scared they won't help afterall or they've written to the refuge who no longer have a duty of care so won't help.

Maybe I'm panicking. It's even worse after leaving because he knows I did it. He has a long memory so very good at pretending to authorities he's over it all but I know he's just waiting for the right time. I sort of want him to get rid of me as it would be over quickly. I'm sorry to give such a bad update. Trying not to panic. I contacted women's aid and hopefully they'll help me but I missed her call earlier in the week and haven't been able to speak since then. She's obviously so busy and it's Easter weekend coming up. I genuinely thought I'd only be back a few days but now all the support has gone. Hopefully I'm just panicking and I can get help tomorrow but feeling so scared being back. I feel like I've done all that time in refuge for nothing. I found it really hard especially because they did these checks on you almost everyday. I know it's just to make sure you're safe but it felt suffocating and too much like his control. They threatened to throw me out if I didn't do it and it felt so much like him. I tried to explain but they just got angry. I understand a couple of times a week engaging and I wanted that as I needed help but they wanted to check on me every day. Eventually they agreed to every other day. I felt the same as with him. Constantly on edge, no control if I needed to have a nap or bath during day in case I didn't hear them and they'd then just let themselves in. I'm sorry for rambling. I feel sick at what I've done but think they were determined to get rid of me so I don't think I had a choice. Sorry need to calm down and hope can get to speak to women's aid tomorrow. Scared I'm out of options.

Sorry just to add. I know I need counselling but can't seem to access it. I've been asking my GP since last May but they're in a different area to my home area. I had to change to them after the bad experience with my old GP. They're so good with my health issues that the old GP didn't believe me about so I definitely can't change. Anyway normally they refer you to the mental health services in your area but my area including mental health social worker only see you if you're registered with a local GP. The refuge also referred me to two places but both turned me away for not having a local GP. I just wanted people to know I'm not avoiding it. I've tried to get help but there isn't any. My local area does offer counselling for mild anxiety and depressing to all residents but they said I was too serious to be seen by them. They were very nice but it's just they couldn't help me. Anyway sorry. I'm just really panicking about leaving refuge and back to no support. Scared no way out now and no options left. I'll try not to panic and will contact women's aid again and the housing department tomorrow but now they'll be delays because of Easter. I wish I hadn't missed her call but actually scared she can't help me so almost want to wait as until I speak to her I've still got some hope. Sorry for messing it all up. I feel like it took everything I had to leave and at that point I thought I'd finally get help. I trusted them to help and feel so stupid and really scared I've lost my only chance. Feeling extra bad after speaking to my local social services. They just completely didn't care. I was saying how I felt unsafe where he knows I am but they just said they'd don't help with that. Sorry just scared of what he'll do next but can't call police with nowhere safe to go. I called a few refuges a month ago but nowhere wanted me after they found out I was already been in one. Obviously they see me as a problem person. I don't think going to make it through this.

Hi I'm sorry you're back with him. It doesn't sound like that particular refuge was the right place for you. Firstly I wouldn't believe anything said to you by those who were horrible to you. It sounds like they didn't understand your mental state.

The social worker at the refuge area is right as do have to help you, by law. The problem is making them comply. Because I'll people don't have the mental energy to make complaints usually.

Your time in the refuge wasn't wasted. I know you felt awful and like it was controlling, but the fact is those refuge workers weren't out to harm you like he is. So for those months you were safe even if you didn't feel you were. Also you now know the SS in that area are good. When you speak to women's aid again I'd mention that to them. Because really it'll be best if you can live in an area with good support. That's useful information about the housing association in that area too.

I'm sure women's aid will help you, they know it can take people several attempts to leave permanently. It sounds like you've been let down by various people last time. You can try again.

Did you have any thoughts about what I posted above, about contacting MIND to see if they can help with housing or becoming a student?

I want to say with the situation of needing a local GP. Please do consider changing to a local one if that situation happens again. I know you liked your old GP, but you need to realise mental health is as important as physical health. It's not good for your health to be in an abusive relationship, so if changing GP is the way to get out of the relationship I'd do it. Maybe you can change back again after, if you don't get on with the new GP? Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do in order to get something we need. I totally understand your reasoning for keeping your current GP, but some people at the refuge maybe didn't understand and saw it as you not complying with the rules when you didn't want to change GP. It's a difficult situation.

Definitely speak to women's aid again and see what help they can offer you too.

I definitely want help. I thought I was finally safe but now I'm scared I've lost my one chance to be safe. This time it's different. I thought I couldn't bear to be without him but he's not even here at the moment and I feel sick with fear. I feel really panicked and keep remembering things that happened here. I feel really panicky but so scared of being homeless. I'd really rather he killed me and I know this is a nasty horrible selfish thing to say but I keep thinking my best option is to provoke him. Scared they won't believe or help me otherwise as he's not here right now. He's coming back but they maybe won't believe me.

When I was in refuge I had a really bad experience with a housing department nearer where I'm from. They said as I'd left I was no longer at risk and didn't need housing. Then I was advised to transfer to another refuge nearer home by a housing adviser but I tried several and they wouldn't take me as I'd already been in another refuge. It's my biggest fears happening. I didn't leave for years because I was so scared I'd end up homeless after refuge. I feel so stupid for taking the risk. I don't know if I'm just panicking. The social services today really brought home how I've gone from somewhere that was going to call police with safety concerns if I went back to somewhere where they don't care when you say about the violence and how you need help to find somewhere safe to go.

I felt ok at first. I struggled so much being so far away and it's like I'm clinging to some familiarity. I was shut away with him for years and although he was controlling,he also looked after me. It was such a change going so far away after not going anywhere for do long even local and I couldn't cope. I wish I was stronger. I feel so upset because I'd finally got some housing applications done and only came back as I thought I'd get somewhere with them even if just temporary but they only help if you have police reports or from refuge. I'm really hoping I've not lost my chance with the women's aid person. Rationally I know she was just busy or maybe off sick today but scared she's had enough of me as I missed her call. I can't change GP. My old one stopped my medication and left me housebound. It actually stopped me leaving him as I'd originally planned to try a year. I can't risk losing a good GP. The local MIND doesn't help. They only offer peer support groups and a back to work skills course. There's a local organisation that offers counselling instead of MIND but they said I was too serious for them. They only help with mild issues. Really I feel that I'll start to recover and find counselling if I was safe. I feel so desperate to have a safe home but think I've lost my one chance to have that. I'll try not to panic. I've already had a homeless interview with one council. Problem is they want a support worker to fill out this form and now I don't have one. I'm scared I won't be able to leave before he's back and it's extra hard with my issues. There was a refuge for people with mental health issues but they mix it in with substance abuse and because of how he was when drunk and occasionally taken drugs, I'm terrified of being around that. My mental health is mostly about being scared of other people also so it feels hopeless.