I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

@plantlife hope you haven’t gone back. Your last update sounds like you were having a panic attack almost, so anxious. Please ring your G.P.

It’s normal that you want to run back, because your somewhere new and uncertain and no one likes change. I hope you give it time.... speak to the staff where you are based. You won’t always have to live there, you will make friends eventually, get your own place etc

Are you okay @plantlife?

Please keep us updated

You have done so well
Is there anything we can do?

Well done on getting out

Took me 25 attempts

Im sorry for not replying sooner. I'm still in the refuge but really struggling with what to do. Scared about not being able to hide from the virus here. Scared he'll be arrested if I go home. I feel really scared being in such an uncertain situation when there's the virus. I don't know where I'll be living in a few months and it's such a dangerous time to be moving around. I'm panicking it's a really bad time to be in this position. I'm paranoid about posting too much in case one of the refuge staff recognises me. I think I've already made them fed up with me but I understand why because I really am annoying and not normal. They've been so nice but I'm difficult. I know I'm not normal. It's ok when I can hide away on my own though. I can pretend to be normal for a bit until I have to think about my situation.
I think it would maybe help to write my fears and issues here but so worried someone will see it. I'm so scared about the virus that the other women now think I'm stuck up and rude. They're mainly younger so not as big risk from the virus. I think maybe I'd be able to do this if it wasn't during the virus. I really miss him as well. I keep thinking about being a team. Anyway sorry for rambling on. I felt bad not replying but don't want to keep rambling self pitying rubbish. I'll try to sort my head out and think what to do. Thank you for being so nice.

I'm always my own worse enemy never learn when to shut up. I really hope no-one from the refuge sees this but they don't like me anyway so maybe it doesn't matter. I feel like running away but nowhere to go. I know it looks like I'm being paranoid but I know when people don't like me. I shouldn't be here. Feel like a nuisance when I ask them questions. A workman needs to come and there's no idea when he'll be here what day or time. I've been on edge every day about it. I feel so on edge constantly. Can't stay safe from the virus. I know it's annoying and people think I'm being over the top but I'm frightened. It's the not knowing making it worse. It's like being with him when he's in a nasty mood. Constantly on edge. Wearing the same clothes as left everything at home and spending my money on food that's so well stocked at home. Too scared to ask again as they seem so busy and fedup with me. They don't like me but feel trapped as they want to tell police if I go home. Sorry for being so horrible and spoilt and moaning. I knew I couldn't do this so it's my fault. I should've stayed at home. Anyway I've made it a million times worse by writing here but had to get it out somewhere. I know no-one an do anything and don't expect any replies. Just needed to get it out.

plantlife my love, I'm so sorry I haven't managed to keep up with your thread and didn't see this sooner. Please do keep posting, even if you get no responses for a while, as we/I will be able to find you again.

Why do you think you're so annoying - I don't think you're annoying anyway, so why do you think you are? Who told you that?

You say you're not normal. Why do you think that? Who told you that?

I bet I know who told you those things.

Can I say that I think the anxiety you feel is extremely 'normal' under the circumstances? Of course you feel anxious, you've changed everything and don't really know what's coming up next, and there' a virus around.

I think you suffer from health anxiety anyway, don't you? So the virus would of course send your anxiety levels shooting up. My dh is much the same. He is also very badly affected when big things change whereas I quite enjoy it. Moving house was a nightmare for him but that was years ago and he's much happier here than where we used to live.

Can you see that your erstwhile partner, who was meant to love and cherish you, chose instead to hurt and frighten and abuse you? That many of your concerns can be laid at his door? They lead directly back to him, I bet.

He doesn't really think you're annoying or not normal either. He says it to make you feel bad about yourself, to make you feel less important than him, he says these things so that you will shut up and do as you're told.

Believe me, if he really thought those things of you, he'd have gone years ago. Now, of course, he's put so much work into making sure you know your place that he is actually really scared that you will go and he'll have to start again on someone else.

Your memory is not quite your friend at this point. The bad memories fade, don't they? You start thinking "it wasn't that bad really". Memory as betrayal; tell it sternly that yes it was that bad, it really really was.

Remember how you were before you knew him? What were you like, what did you want for your future, what things did you like and what things were you good at? (Don't say nothing much, I won't believe you!)

What did you enjoy doing? Were you musical, did you do crafts, knitting or designing your clothes, or were you more academic and enjoyed maths and science, or literature? Did you read much, what sort of stuff did you like? Who was your favourite band?

Think about how you were, and what you wanted. Do/would you still want those things now? Would you want to be more like you were?

The staff at the refuge are there entirely in order to help you, and the other women there. Without you they'd not have a job. BUT not everyone would want that job or be able to do it, so they are there because they want to be, they WANT to help you, they want to help you feel safe and calm and then they want to help you feel able to stand on your own feet in the end.

Those people are lovely people, really lovely people. They don't dislike you, they don't think you're annoying or not 'normal', really they don't.

The only person who thinks that is him, and he's not around now so you don't have to listen let alone believe him.

Thank you so much for your kindness. It really is so nice of you. I've alienated so many people including on here so thank you for not hating me. I've had a burst of confidence, like over confidence recently, like pretending to be someone else, someone normal but it's all hit me this evening. I feel frightened and alone because I do alienate people including people who help including professionals. I think that's partly why I kept trying to tell myself he isn't a complete abuser and it's just temper loss. I don't want to accept what it really is because I feel so vulnerable. I know I'm not normal. I don't do it deliberately but I really do piss people off. I suppose maybe it's partly because I'm so used to someone turning on me who I trust that maybe I get too over sensitive sometimes but also I think I really do seem to attract or encounter some bullying people and I try to stand up for myself but it makes it worse.

Anyway I'm really sorry for rambling self pity. I want to say more and explain some things that I need to decide on but I'm too scared to in case he finds it. I'm paranoid about that. I'll try to speak to the staff tomorrow but I've been too demanding already. I'm feeling really scared about what he is and angry with myself for not leaving years ago. I've ruined so much of my life and it really is my fault. Sorry for rambling and not even explaining. I really wish I could speak over my fears somewhere completely confidential but with advice but too scared. I've spoken to the Samaritans and they really helped me, they were brilliant but I really want some advice. Maybe I'm just worrying and panicking too much though. It's just the staff can report to the police if they're really concerned so I don't feel I can go over it all with them just in case but also they're so busy. I will try to speak to them though. Sorry for such a gloomy and rambled update.

Not gloomy, sad and tired and scared and worried and a little bit lost. All of which is understandable.

I'm not sure you've irritated or alienated anyone on here. Obviously, I don't know anyone in real life, but really I've never come across a group of women who are more compassionate and patient than I have here. Sometimes it's just a bit difficult to get onto MN. I know that there are days when I can get on just long enough to read an OP, maybe a few responses and then bash out a post of my own, and then I have to go off and do something for dh or dd or whatever. I don't want to just do that with you; I want to have the leisure to read your posts properly, to give them proper consideration and to then formulate a reply which isn't just bashed off while dd is waiting for me to do something or other, or dh want me to hold a bit of guitar while he fixes it or I have to stir the pot or chop the carrots or whatever. It does mean that I don't post on your thread every day. It's simply a matter of what's going on irl at the time, not alienation or impatience or irritation or any of that stuff.

I would be surprised if any of the staff there are fed up with you in any way. I imagine they would be well aware of your circumstances and the effect on your state of mind.

Plantlife, you need something to help you believe in yourself, after years of being beaten down. No one expects that to happen immediately. Be kind to yourself.

a momentous leap - a huge achievement
Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much again. I really am sorry.
It's like I'm two different people sometimes. I don't think I'm a very nice person sometimes. It's not deliberate but I genuinely don't always like who I become. I'm not saying this to get people to be nice and say I'm not horrible. I need to try to sort myself out. I don't want to be a horrible person. I think maybe sometimes I've become bitter but I'm going to try not to be. I'm so touched to have had any replies. It helps just writing it, getting it out there in the world even if just talking to myself. I hope that makes sense. I don't expect any replies and know everyone's so busy and you all have your own worries and concerns and just everyday normal busyness. I think I have alienated some people but nothing to do with if anyone posts or not. It happens in real life. I alienate myself sometimes, like I don't like me.

I should stop feeling so self-pitying though because there are some really lovely kind people in the world even if there's also abusers and bullies. I think just feeling very vulnerable because it's hit me tonight what he really is. I feel so scared that I'm tangled up with this. I really trusted that he was genuinely caring about me. I thought he wouldn't really want to kill me and if he did it would be a loss of control in anger but not meant. I don't know now. I don't know if I'm being unfair to him but now I think maybe he wants me dead or wouldn't mind as it would get rid of the evidence.

I'm sorry for rambling. I'll pull myself together tomorrow. I should be grateful because I've been given a safe place and help. I'm scared they'll tell me to leave any day. I think I'm just so constantly on edge. I feel very vulnerable I suppose. They've done so much for me here and I feel bad because they have limited funds and there's women with children who need it more. I feel like I'm taking from people who need it more. I should be able to get myself out of this. I've got all these rambly thoughts. I'm really scared if he can't get to me physically he'll destroy me mentally. I need to stop being so on edge. It's just this uneasy feeling.
Anyway sorry again and thank you really so much for being so kind. It's made me feel like I need to snap out of this and start to be grateful for the help I've been given. I'll try to start dealing with the stuff that needs dealing with tomorrow.

Hi Plantlife, I don’t have much help to offer I’m sorry but wanted to reply as I know it’s late on your side of the world and didn’t want you to feel alone. Firstly, it’s the refuge’s job to support and care for you, it’s what they are there for. They exist to support women leaving all types of abusive relationships - and you definitely fit that bill.

Secondly, it’s natural to feel in turmoil. It’s not nice, but it’s a normal reaction to change. If you can just wait it out, day by day it’ll get easier. You do have a lot of anxiety, some anxiety is normal but it seems your worry about the future is spiralling a bit. Is there anyone you can turn to for support for your mental health? I’m not sure that what the nurse has said was accurate, any good GP would take into account everything that is going in for you right now.

You are doing so well. No one is as down on you as you believe. When I start to worry about what lies ahead and really ruminate, I tell myself ‘nobody can predict the future’. I helps me realise that all the things I’m imagining coming true (virus, homelessness) are just that, my imagination, not fact.

You have kept yourself safe and well for three weeks - well done! Just keep going. Even if you can’t see it feel it yet, there is a light inside you that will just keep growing

Thank you so much. I'm so scared about writing too much but feeling a bit desperate for advice if anyone knows.
I might be involving police or other officials. I know I've got enough evidence of some of what he's done but what I don't know about is how to prove anything if he says it's me. He knows I have evidence but has told me he'll try to bring me down with him. He'll try to go for a both bad as each other story. I feel so stuck and trapped about this and not knowing if I can do what I might need to do. I suppose there's no point asking here for advice as it's all hopeless. He's very clever, believable, and manipulate.

@plantlife

Thank you so much. I really don't like who I am at the moment but I want to try to be better. I owe it to everyone who's helped me online and in real life. I don't want to let people down again. I think tonight I've finally accepted I shouldn't go back. I've been worrying about stupid little things since I got to the refuge. I must've really annoyed the staff but from now on I'm going to stop being so annoying and just be grateful for all the help.

You must be feeling lost and lonely. Have a big hug from me x x

It already happened one time. He got himself referred to a domestic abuse support service one time when the police came out. I'd called them and still have the police call out recording (I was recording his violent rage after previous advice from a helpline) but when police arrived I was too scared to tell truth. Also no visible injuries. He told them I was abusive and controlling and they must've believed him. Maybe because of the time before when they'd been out (different officers) and he'd persuaded them it was me being suicidal and having a mental breakdown. He'd been violent and spat in my face (also told me to kill myself) but I didn't tell truth again. I know it's my own fault for not being honest at the time and showing injuries.
There's nothing I can do now though is there? I can prove he's attacked me but can't prove I'm not also an abuser. He's saying he'll just say it's a toxic relationship with both of us as bad. I don't know if there's a way out as I think I need to take some legal action but feel unable to. Sorry for rambling and asking impossible questions. Can't get any help. Tried a free legal advice line, rights for women criminal law, but couldn''t get through. Need to make decision before they're next open. Staff here just say there's proof of what he did to me and that my fear about him bringing me down with him is unnecessary. They say police, etc see through this but I've seen reports of cases in the news and on Mumsnet where they don't believe the victim and decide it's both of them as bad as each other. I know it can happen. Too scared to cut contact without legal support so feel trapped. Spoke to another free advice place but they don't give advice and just help with legal forms. Sorry for asking as guessing no-one knows but felt desperate and although terrified he'll see, I feel I might as well try to see if anyone knows anything.

Thank you @Anordinarymum
Thank you.

Well done on taking that brave leap @plantlife. I have read your posts. Nobody on MN is cross or irritated or fed up with you. Every single one of us is sending you heart felt relief and feeling joy that you have made your move.
And yes, this is a nice little corner of MN.

The police and the people at the refuge have seen it all and heard it all before; sadly many times. I don't believe for a moment that they will believe him and his lies. When they look at you they will see someone who has been abused and beaten down and who is extremely anxious and full of self doubt and they will help you. Not get fed up or annoyed with you. This may be his perception but he is very very damaged and it is not the truth. Well done for being there, don't go back, please please don't return to him. You have done brilliantly well to get away.

I'm sorry I was so self-pitying in my last posts. I'm really grateful for all the kindness I've had on here and from real life people. I had a horrible experience on Friday with a really unsympathetic professional on the phone but then spoke to two separate really really kind professionals. They were so nice and kind and understanding. The refuge staff are also being so nice and my worker is brilliant. I feel bad because they're so busy and it's difficult to deal with me because of my virus fears. There's only so much they can do about a virus. I also can't help feeling bad about taking the space because I feel guilty about families that might need it. I'm so grateful for the opportunity of somewhere safe. I need to sort out mental health help maybe now. I keep not wanting to go to bed because I start thinking over things that have happened. I'm like a completely different person when I pretend it's not real although I don't think I'm that likeable as the different person. I want to try to be nicer again. I think I'm just not used to being normal or talking to people. It's silly but one thing I want sorted is diagnosis. I've been told it's trauma so PTSD but the doctors still just have it down as anxiety. I know it's stupid maybe but I feel like it's not accurate to say anxiety. Probably just me having stupid issues instead of focusing on the most important. I feel uneasy about him at the moment. Scared what he's planning. I know I'm physically safe at the moment but mentally I don't know what he'll do.
Anyway I really didn't mean to keep rambling on. I just wanted to thank you again and say sorry for rambling and feeling sorry for myself before. I think I just have to try to get through this. I wish there wasn't the virus as well though. Feel like I can't be really safe because of the virus and being in a place with lots of contact with people. He'd probably be relieved in a way if I died of it but maybe I'm being unfair to think that of him. I'll keep trying to deal with the fears anyway.

Hey Plantlife, things get better, I promise. It can take time, but will reward you if you can hang on in there.

Use the staff; that's what they're there for. Whatever help you're offered accept it. I would. These are experts and you will get so much support and help from them.

Time is the difficult bit to do. Hang on.

Thank you so much for the kindness.
I genuinely don't deserve it because I really am spoilt. I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself but I keep ignoring things but when I start to think about it I keep panicking about the reality of my situation.
I just want to know I'm safe somewhere but from the virus more than him. At least he'd have gone to prison if he'd killed me. If I die from the virus it's like he's got away with it as he knows any evidence dies with me and if I die it's because I couldn't hide at home from the virus and that's because of him. I know that's not completely true as I should have done something sooner though but I keep going over stupid thoughts like that in my head.
I think he's won. He said he'd destroy me and he has. There's something that gives him absolute control over me and he's supported by the law. I think it's not deliberate law but sort of something not thought of maybe. I don't know. Anyway the law is helping him destroy me.

Professionals tell me my physical life is now safe from him but it's like no-one realises about mental harm. He can do something that will completely destroy me and I can't stop it. I suppose I can maybe as there's something that may be possible but it's a scary thing to do and no guarantee and will massively make him angry. I also have to pay for help or try and do it myself because the free places weren't sure about it and the paid for places seemed to know more about it. I need to decide really quickly and keep panicking. I feel really scared as I can't relax as I keep thinking something will go wrong and they'll ask me to leave. I think because of the virus maybe it might change things and maybe I'll be in an even more vulnerable position. I don't make sense I know. I'm rambling so much. I can't even explain things properly as I'm so scared he'll somehow see this or maybe someone from the refuge.
I know my life might be safe from him physically killing me here but I had such little control for so many years and now he has control over something that could mentally destroy me. I feel spoilt to worry about it but it means everything going to be more scary when it could have been less bad. Anyway sorry for talking in riddles. It feels extra frightening being so far away from my familiar world in such an uncertain time with the virus. I think I'm too old to start again. I'm not normal and feel bad for being so difficult. It's not fair on the staff and other women. Anyway sorry again. I don't expect anyone to reply. I've had more than enough support here. I just needed to express things somewhere in the real world. I want to say what the big issue is with the law helping him to make it known to maybe help other women but too scared to say unless I get it sorted but I've at least sort of written about it here. I know this is spoilt and self-pitying and know other women are strong but I think I don't want to keep trying and starting again. I'm so scared of the virus but now wish it was something you just died immediately from. Then I'd probably deliberately try to catch it. I'm sorry for saying that. I'm not going to do anything to myself but do regret stopping him possibly killing me. I'm sorry for saying that. I'll try to pull myself together. It's just too much the legal control he has to mentally destroy me. My fault for not getting help sooner.

You are none of the awful things you say you are, you have been poisoned by your abuser to think that way. You are very strong as you have left.

You need proper psychological support to get through this, but you are doing so well.

Do you have underlying health issues? Is that why you are concerned about the virus? Xx

How is everything going plantlife? Are you getting on okay?

Hi Plantlife - how are you doing?

I probably shouldn't reply because I'm not saying the right things. I see these inspiring threads where people leave and it's better. I suppose I'm not trying and I know I'm being ungrateful but anyway I deeply regret leaving. I think it's different when there's children so that's why people usually have to leave. You can't put children at risk but without children I've realised I should've balanced the good and bad. The good was better than the bad. I'm not coping but now it's too late to go back I think. Him hurting me physically would be the least bad thing and least likely now. Probably end up homeless or catch the virus travelling back. I don't want to die exactly but wouldnt care that much but I dont want to die that way.

Anyway I'm getting really worried I'm in a very vulnerable position nothing to do with the virus except that it means there won't be any help at all because people will be extra busy and stressed. Anyway rambling rubbish sorry. Have a bad feeling. I've made a nuisance of myself with the staff and other help places who keep referring me to each other and there's something I have a bad feeling won't get sorted. I tried to when I first got here and was told it would be sorted but now no one knows what to do and I can't ask again and make them more fed up of me. I know panicking and worrying is making it worse but there's a ticking clock. I know it sounds cold and horrible but I really shouldn't have trusted anyone. It's my fault because I knew exactly what would happen. Things I worried about happening before I left and people kept saying I'd be helped with. I knew it would be messed up. No one can help and it's not their fault it's because there isn't any help especially with a virus. I have a really bad feeling about what's going to happen next. I don't feel I can trust I'm safe and secure. I'm scared I'll end up homeless or in a very bad dangerous place especially during the virus. I was told I wouldn't but I was also told something else would get sorted.

It's not their fault. I think people are trained to say anything and promise you anything however impossible just to get you out. I feel like it's brainwashing. It doesn't matter how bad things are as long as the husband or partner doesn't directly physically touch you. I don't want to be an unwelcome guest. I don't need you to say I'm not. Just venting maybe but really I know how they feel about me. I know I don't belong here and feel like a bad person but I can't cope with all the problems that can't be sorted.

I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have updated. I know I'm supposed to say how well things are going but I desperately wish I could turn the clock back. I knew in my heart all along that my particular situation meant just not making him angry was the best option. It wasn't that hard and it's my fault for panicking and also getting confused with people in different situations like younger than me or with better health or children. I know I can't make people understand but in today's world some things are worse than a couple of bruises. It's horrible being all alone in the world. I was lucky and I've lost everything I had.

Anyway sorry for such a bad ungrateful update. I'm really sorry. I felt bad not replying but I know it's selfish to reply with such bad updates. I suppose I wanted to vent but I know it must makes it all worse. The only way out before it's definitely too late is to be strong and fight for myself. I wish I could just help other people. I think I'd be better at that than with myself but probably won't live through this. If I do I'll try to give back anything I can before I die.