I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

I know what you mean about being scared of other people. You have to see it as a means to an end. So you be around some scary people in a refuge for a while but the staff will help keep you safe there. Then when you get rehoused you're not living amongst those people any more. It's a means to an end. If you're living with him you're not safe anyway so you don't have anything to lose by going to the mixed refuge. If you can contact this refuge and accept a space there then I'd do that.

Now the situation with your abuser. I don't understand the details. You say he's coming back? So where is he now? Is he at work or does he live somewhere else at the moment? Do you own your home or is it rented? Is it your mortgage/tenancy or his? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand. I'm wondering if you have the opportunity to lock him out?

Please call the Women's Aid lady back if you have her number, don't wait for her to call you.

Have you specifically asked MIND in your area if they have the houses like they do in my area? Get the peer support worker too, it's someone to help you with things. They might not be able to help with much (I think it depends who you get, I've had a few and found some better than others) but any help is better than no help.

I'm confused about the GP situation too. The town where you are now, is that the same town where the good GP is? If a support worker is needed to fill in a form, perhaps either the MIND peer support worker can do it or maybe the GP can do it. The GP might have a fee but if it helps you get away from this abusive situation it will be worth it. If the GP is in a different area can you ask them if they have any advice on how to move to that area? You need to be living in the same area as the GP I think, that seems to be the key to getting help from other organizations.

Please don't be afraid of people calling the police with safety concerns. It doesn't matter what sort of abuse it is, all of it is a crime now. If you tell them all about it they can remove him and keep him out of the property. Unless perhaps he owns it.

Sorry again for all my questions. If you could please try to answer them all, it might give me more ideas of how to help you.

@plantlife Oh sweetheart, I wish I could help you in some way! Even if it was just a hug.

Please don't worry about what other people think of you. There's no need to apologise for anything. None of this is your fault.

I think you are so brave, and you deserve to be happy.

If people get angry with you, try to remember it may be because they are worried about you. They may feel frustrated because they don't seem to be able to help you. Or they might be having a bad day too. Don't take it personally.

Don't apologise for going back. Obviously it would be better if you could stay away from him. But it's not always easy to sort out a new life when you're so deeply traumatised. And I understand that the thought of being homeless terrifies you. It terrifies me too.

But please don't give up. Hold on to this truth...you deserve to be safe, calm and happy. No one has the right to hurt you.

And remember that you are brave. Despite feeling the way you do, you are trying to sort out a way of getting away from him.

Keep posting if you feel it helps. We're happy to hear from you, and we'll support you as much as we can.

I hope things work out for you, my lovely. Don't give up hope. Xxx

Hi @plantlife
It’s good that you’ve posted again. We’re still here. Supporting you. No-one is going to berate you. We just want you to be ok.
As @AmberItsACertainty said, please do call the Women’s Aid lady back. Definitely worth keep trying her.
Where is your husband currently?
Don’t panic. You can do this. Which organisation did you use to help you to get to the first refuge? (I’m thinking maybe we can suggest an alternative one)
And also, remember this if you ever need help but are afraid to talk
www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf
Keep posting. 💐💐

You are automatically put at the top of the housing list if you are fleeing domestic violence, please call Shelter for advice if you haven’t already

Who were the people in the refuge who were so difficult with you, telling you it was time you 'moved on', etc, and what provoked those remarks?

I have actually known two women who lived in a refuge for a while; they had their own rooms and though it wasn't ideal, there were no problems with staff.

I know it looks like I'm a horrible problem bad person. I'm too scared to say what happened but I think it's partly bad luck, pandemic issues, and just two not nice staff out of all the other nice onrs. Unfortunately the two less nice ones were the main ones in that day. I suppose I'm hoping anyone bothering to read this will believe me but I suppose they won't. I'm not lying but prove it on here.

That's it for me isn't it. Never going to be ok. I know what it looks like. Like I'm a really horrible bad person. I don't think I'm the best person ever but I don't think I'm really horrible either. I definitely never deliberately hurt anyone. I know I'm not normal anymore but it's been so extreme for so long. I tried to explain to the staff from the very start and even before leaving. I told them I was too late to be saved and how I wasn't sure I could cope in a refuge because of my fears. I have physical health issues that make it harder. I didn't go outside of my unit for months. I was too scared of everything including the virus.

I could never ever relax and let my guard down as too hyper aware it wasn't my home, I had nowhere safe to go after and after 5 months still hadnt been helped with rehousing applications. I tried doing it on my own but they all wanted to deal with support worker who was so overwhelmed and busy and had to prioritise women not yet left. I was so scared at that point. Couldn't eat, struggling to sleep. So on edge still, still not safe, so desperate for it to over, to be able to be safe. It's not likely.

I was locked away sort of with him for so long and the strain of living every day for years on edge not knowing if I'd be attacked think messed me up. The serious violence wasn't all the time. The little things happened a lot but I'd definitely cope with that over the alternatives like homelessness or really dangerous housing. My fear of homelessness is so extreme, I'd genuinely rather the serious violence or even be dead. As long as it's quick and not too painful. I know it's likely I need to shut up moaning pathetically and accept it's time to give up. I'm in my 40s, menopause symptoms, I'm feeling old and tired from too many years of not having a safe home. I know I'm pathetic and I really do wanted to move somewhere else in the UK to start again but it was too far away and I couldn't cope. I panicked about being an outsider especially with London accent. It's worse every time I see something here or a news report about how people hate Londoners or southerners. I got so paranoid at one early point, I literally went semi mute. My voice kept going. I wish I could've been stronger. People seemed kind (mostly), and there was rehousing options and good adult social care support. Now back to where such limited support with 3-6 week waits to access any support, which is mainly emotional not practical. Massive fear I won't be helped. I was so close to having a safe space of my own after pretty much my entire adult life. It's gone now. The hope.

I feel like I'm going to die without having had the safety. It's so worse after leaving. Made everything all more dangerous but now probably on some kind of Refuge blackball system? I so stupid because I still want to try to live through this but I don't see how. I literally just a sitting duck. If I was younger and healthier I'd have more strength. I'm too scared of saying what happened but anyway it's not all the staff. Most were so lovely and kind. My one was so nice but I think she was so busy so we didn't get much chance to go over practical things. Not her fault but just underfunded understaffed due to self isolating, shielding, or other issues. There was only two not nice ones. Its so hard to trust anyone and I had to put my life in their hands. It's not their fault at all but some of the way it worked made me feel too much like him, the control. I know it's not the same but my mind was like fogged so much.

Its horrible and nasty to say but I feel like provoking him to get it over with. I just hope he chooses an ok method of the three he's suggested of how to kill me.

I angry with myself for being stupid enough to think it wasn't too late for me. It really took everything I had, all my strength to go to a refuge. I was so terrified but I tried to cope by telling myself it was a means to an end. Somewhere safe temporarily to arrange safe rehousing from. I feel so sick that I did so many months yet hadn't even got on any waiting lists. It's made everything worse. Cost me loads of money I haven't really got and now he's got more control. I'm falling apart just waiting for when something happens. I freak out with these horrible flashback memory things but I don't see what else to do. It's safe in that it's a familiar home. I think my mental health will break completely if I can't cling in to that familiarity after everything else has changed so suddenly. I think I need it even more because of being sometimes housebound so desperately needing baby steps. I think I've lost my best chance. The local to home housing association. Local enough but actually different part of the area nowhere near current home so he wouldn't find me. Now I've lost that I think as I needed a support worker. they only rehouse if through refuge or women's aid. I think she's too busy to help me. She suggested I try the helpline who give me refuge spaces to call but the whole reason I needed her was because I wasn't getting anywhere from that. I thought she was going to help find me something direct or alternative options. She was probably just trying to see if any possibility for me whilst she's off? Panicking she won't help me but me being paranoid? She's so busy though and not her fault but maybe too busy to be able to help. I'll try to stop panicking and I'll hope for next week but panicking. Sorry such rambling rubbish. Probably saying too much too but feeling so defeated and scared. Angry with myself too. Can't think straight. I don't think I can cope with more temporary accommodation like refuge. I feel like I've done my time and was so ready for something permanent. I feel so desperate for that chance to put my head down on my bed knowing that finally that was my own bed in my own safe space home. I'm so exhausted from all these years of everything awful. Sorry shutting up now. I failed myself and all of you.

I had a very bumpy journey away from DV and towards befriending myself which took years.

I just wanted to reach out with a virtual hug 💞

You don't sound like a horrible person. You sound like a damaged person, which is hardly surprising if you've experienced domestic abuse. When you get away from that situation then you'll slowly start to heal. It's impossible to be quite "normal" when you're in red alert for danger all the time. That level of prolonged stress is going to mess anyone up. So please don't best yourself up mentally for not being better. You're doing your best and you're doing well. Keep engaging with the help, that's the best thing to do at the moment, however hard it seems. We're all rooting for you here

I do think you made a mistake leaving the refuge, but what's done is done so no point dwelling on it. I will say when it comes to less nice staff, it helps to remember that us who have been in abusive situations are not used to seeing assertive people. We are passive and our abusers are aggressive. So sometimes staff being assertive and very firm can look like aggression to us. I don't know what happened in the refuge, but I will say bear in mind perhaps those staff didn't mean to be horrible, perhaps they thought they were being firm but kind?

If you go into another refuge in the future, don't worry about your time there running out, that's when the council have to hurry up and house you somewhere else. The time limits are to shove the council into doing their job. The problem with leaving somewhere voluntarily is the council say you made yourself homeless and they don't have to help with that. So always stay until you're kicked out, it really is for the best to do it that way.

Please don't give up or do anything to provoke him deliberately. You can start again from where you are now. I don't think you're on any refuge blacklist. It's just all the organisations have strict rules in who is eligible for help. I understand how hard it is to start over. Did you give any more thought to becoming a student? You can go to a university anywhere in the UK and you'd have time to rebuild your life. Try to go to the town where the helpful GP is though, because you do need to follow the rules to be referred for help, so if that means having a local GP that's what you have to make happen.

You've definitely been let down by some staff, people not explaining how things work and not getting you on the housing list earlier. By leaving the refuge you have effectively turned down the help from the social worker and the housing association there, that's how it will be seen by official people. That doesn't mean you can't start again. You're not too old to start again.

The main thing to remember for next time is when they say "you can have help if you do xyz" then you really do have to do the xyz however hard it is. I think you're a lovely person and you're so stressed out that you need a lot of help. Go to your helpful GP and tell them all about your situation, try to get a referral to mention health services. It doesn't mean you have to have medication, it gets you social worker perhaps and counseling etc. If the go says to get the referral to mental health services you have to do xyz then please do it. I know it's so hard to trust people and sometimes they do let you down, but the fact is you don't get help unless you follow their procedures.

Keep trying to contact Women's Aid and the support worker you mentioned. You need to get as many referrals to helpful organizations as you can. You need an army of people helping you.

It's not a one-off chance for help. Lots of people keep going back to their abuser and it takes several attempts to leave permanently. Lots of people who are homeless get housed then in the future become homeless again because they didn't have the support they needed to maintain the tenancy. The homelessness organizations keep helping them each time. It's not a one-off chance. It's as many times as you need.

I don't think you don't sound horrible. You're a person with problems.

You say two members of staff at the refuge weren't very nice to you on one day but the rest were OK. People aren't always nicey nicey, they have off days. You could surely have kept to your room most of the time while they were on duty. I would have done that anyway, I like my privacy and can't imagine wanting to socialise too much, or chat to folk I don't know.

I suppose you cannot go back there now though you probably don't want to anyway.

As others have suggested, contact Womens Aid again and any other organisation that may be able to help. However you do have to co-operate with them and not run if somebody seems to be a bit off with you. That is life and would be the same if you went to work with colleagues.

I wish you well. Without giving away too many personal details, give us an idea of the area in which you live, there may be someone with local knowledge or even a small place to let.

Good luck.

I don’t think any of us think you’re horrible or bad or pathetic.
And really, although it’s easier said than done, I wouldn’t pay too much attention to any nonsense about Londoners not being welcome in other places.
Please do keep trying Women’s Aid - both the lady whose number you already have, and if you can’t get through to her could you try the general number?

Women's aid person called and said I'd struggle to get a refuge as they'd want to know why I left one and she said housing places won't help me as they'll say I made myself homeless. The refuge didn't tell me this. I thought I was already in the process of housing but just going home temporarily. I feel so stupid for ever trusting anyone. I really do need him and should never have betrayed him. I think I was tricked and lied to. I can't prove anything as who's going to believe someone like me and even if they did believe me they won't care or be able to help.

I knew I shouldn't have left the refuge without somewhere safe to go but by the time I left I was so confused and scared and I thought I did have somewhere lined up. That's what was implied to me but obviously I was deceivd or got confused and misunderstood or both. I told the staff my plans several times before leaving and they never said I'd have any problems. I'd made the housing application as homeless to somewhere nearer where I'm from so I could cope better. I thought a temporary return home would be ok. The staff member never said going home would make me lose priority. They said if fleeing domestic violence, I'd be high priority whether in refuge or not. Social services recommended not to go back as unsafe so I thought housing places would take that into account. Why did no one tell me it wasn't true and even if you're at risk at home, it's not a priority like from a refuge.

The staff weren't just not being nice. It turned into them trying to force me to be at risk. I'm terrified of the virus. It's extreme but I told them from the very start. I even said I should leave loads of times earlier on because I knew I'd need to socially distance to keep safe. I said if that was too difficult for them and caused problem to just let me know and I'll leave before it was too late. If I'd left earlier, he wouldn't have been so angry or even had to know, and also I might have had other options. They promised it would be ok. They were really nice about it except the one horrible staff who luckily wasn't around much.They waited until 6 months had just gone so too late to get another refuge, them started trying to force me to be at risk. They had just had their vaccines as staff but I hadn't had mine so they maybe felt safe for themselves and free to force me to put myself at risk without them being at risk themselves.

It's also that they were being like him. Trying to force me to do things they know scare or hurt me, waiting until I was trapped under their control before starting to do that, and threatening me with homelessness like him.

They arranged health and safety check thing for something really rare. I tried not to panic but the fear was so extreme. I felt suicidal and planned to kill myself if I got a positive corona test. I'd much rather he killed me quickly than the virus killed me. I knew from private renting for so long that during the virus landlords only had to show they'd attempted to do checks like gas safety and if tenant refused due to virus fear, legally landlord was covered. This wasn't even a gas safety and was something very rare to be a risk. Anyway I didn't want to be difficult so I tried to deal with it but I was so terrified and instead of letting me try to get my head round it, they kept waking me up the week the workman was due so my immune system would be bad. They said the social worker would call me the next day so I asked for afternoon as wasn't sleeping. I was woken up by banging on the door in the morning. I was half asleep and scared and had to speak without even having a wake up cup of tea to get my head together.

I didn't understand why they were suddenly being so different and horrible to me. It felt like it was linked to the 6 months and that they were trying to bully me out. I felt like the same control he had. I couldn't even control my sleeping as if I didn't answer door or phone, they'd let themselves in. They never did as I always answered but it felt so violating and controlling and like no safe space. They refused to speak over the phone from their office and did the meeting loudly outside my door so all the other women would hear which felt humiliating.

I was so tired and half asleep so even more distressed than usual. They kept threatening me with my tenancy agreement, not trying to reassure me but just controling me threatening. I told me support worker how upset I felt and how it reminded me of his threats about if I went to police. I felt violated because I trusted her. I told her how upset I felt about my request to speak in afternoons being ignored and how it made me feel so on edge knowing I could be asleep or in the bath and someone could come in whenever they liked. I thought she understood. Until then they'd respected what I asked for mostly.

She then did the same thing again two days later, waking me up, calling early. It was the day before thr workman so I was desperate to get enough sleep so less at risk when he came. I felt ganged up on as they were completely refusing to even respect my asking for afternoons instead of mornings. It was like I wasn't allowed to be an adult with any control over my life or have any safe space. By the day the workmen came, I was feeling suicidal. I was beyond scared and felt so vulnerable and alone and also so far away from home. The staff member who came with the man was so nice and had made extra effort to wear extra PPE and arranged to do my room first so no contamination from the others. I was so touched but was sort of crazed with fear by then. I said if I died it was on her. I was so horrible so now you all know why they hate me. I know it was horrible. I immediately realised and apologised straight away. I felt so guilty and rang her after to apologise again. She didn't answer so I left a message. She never replied so obviously never forgave me. I know it was horrible but I truly was crazed with fear and immediately apologised.

I knew I was never going to be able to cope in a refuge as I knew I wasn't normal or a nice person. I should never have gone though because it's obviously made things much worse for me. After the incident, the manager spoke to me later that day and told me it was time for me to go. I felt so tricked. I'd been asking to go for the last few weeks because he was being nice and there was a chance to be ok with him but they said they'd call police so had to stay. Then they waited until after putting me through the fear of the workman, and after he'd got annoyed again, and only then suddenly said they wouldnt call the police but suddenly also they wouldn't even set up support for when I left. I'd asked so many times for no police but always agreed to transfer of support.

Suddenly no support at all. I'm being paranoid and unfair but feel like they set me up. The whole time I'd told them I was scared of the virus and before it got to 6 months, when I had more options , they kept saying they'd call the police with safety concerns if I went back. Then suddenly, as it got to 6 months and also now he definitely knew I was gone and more angry, they decided to go from 100 to zero in terms of protecting me. Sort of like too much support to none at all. Meanwhile I still hadn't even gone on any housing lists and had kept asking for help as whenever I tried to apply they wanted to speak to support worker. I feel like I've done the time for nothing or actually worse than nothing as it's all more risky now with no way out.

Since the incident, I called some other refuges and one didn't have suitable space but was so understanding and referred me to a women's aid thing. I thought that meant support if I left but now I'm not sure. I left on the belief I had a support worker through this. I'm really stupid I know

Since the bad incident, the horrible staff member hung up on me twice. I wasn't being rude or anything like that but I guess she knows there was nothing I could do. I was just asking some questions everyday things but she didn't even pretend to be nice anymore and there was nothing I could do. Then they arranged another safety check. Another one that's very rare, not like gas safety, and not any where near as risky for health and safety as virus. I was having my vaccine so I thought it wasn't unreasonable to ask if they could wait just a few extra weeks. They refused but what made me realise they were being nasty was this time, they refused to do my room first. They said they had to go in room number order. I know that's not true and I even rang the company to ask and they said of course not and it was up to refuge staff. I knew then I had to go.

The final push was I rang to ask please could they at least do my room first as one of the other women had been coughing for a few days. The horrible staff member didn't even answer, she just put the phone down. I knew I should wait until somewhere safe to go but felt so frightened and vulnerable and being somewhere where they hated me but had power over me so I didn't know what else to do but leave. I genuinely thought though that I'd have support and it was just temporary. The social worker said my home area social services had to help me but they're refusing to as they only do intimidate care in this area. I feel so panicked and stupid for trusting anyone as it's made me more rather than less unsafe and now with nowhere to turn. Sorry. I should shut up. Know no one can help but wish I was believes. I don't want to die without being believed.

Just wanted to say sorry so much for stupid long pathetic ramble. Really upset as had just had a call from the women's aid and they made me think I probably won't get help. Admittedly she wasn't the actual person I was assigned to and just quick call in case if weekend emergency so tiny hope the actual person I've got will help me but still feeling so upset and stupid for ever risking leaving in the first place. The one I've been assigned to knows a bit more and said she'd help before I left refuge so hoping I can trust her. She seems really nice but it's so hard to trust anyone now.

Also wanted to say that the refuge problems were only a few staff. Most were so nice and I don't think they would have done what the horrible one did but unfortunately lots were off the week I left, which was same week the workman was coming. It's because of the virus and school holidays and everyone so short staffed. It had definitely gone wrong though as the other women were waiting over 5-6 months even after going on housing lists so I was panicking about why I hadn't even got on one yet.

I feel so upset actually as I left just after finally getting the applications done so was finally getting there maybe. It was only because the social worker got involved otherwise the staff were just too busy to help. They kept saying a trainee would help me but the housing departments wanted to speak to the trained support workers so it wasn't me being snooty about trainees. I think the staff thought it was that. I know it's not their fault. The virus meant everyone short staffed and they said they had to prioritise the on women not yet left. I understand and agree but problem was I ended up doing all that time but not on lists for somewhere to move on to. Then finally start doing the applications but had to leave before all processed. I don't know if I should try to stay home with him or have him removded. He'll be more likely to kill me if I get him thrown out. I don't mind in a way if it's over with but it depends how he does it. He's suggested three different ways and one is more scary and painful. One would actually be quite good as over quick though. I don't know if I should call the housing person next week to tell them the situation. Too scared. I think they'll help but scared what temporary accommodation will be like. I was so bad in a refuge so guessing I'll be worse in temporary accommodation. At least the refuge was safe environment as there was children. It made me feel safe hearing the children play.

@AmberItsACertainty I definitely thought of studying again. I've already been a student and in my forties so think maybe better to try to work if I get well enough but I definitely thought it maybe a way out. I don't know if it's possible now though as I definitely too old for student accommodation and also the loan doesn't cover all living expenses as well as tuition. I've already got one degree so only eligible for post grad. I'm also not physically able to commit until had an operation when virus gone away and hospitals safer. I'm in support group disability benefits. I may always be disabled depending what happens with operation but wanted to work or study part time if well enough. I suppose I'll die now without ever having chance to recover. I've also got injuries and issues possibly caused by him but can't get checked out during the virus. Anyway sorry for being so negative. I feel so sick about everything as I let him nearly kill me and didn't leave because so scared of being homeless and got persuaded it wouldn't happen. I feel so stupid for putting my life in other people's hands. He cares about me even if he loses his temper and he only controls me because he doesn't want to lose me. This is my punishment for betraying him. I need to be with him as I'd rather die than be homeless. It's really horrible to say but I'm almost hoping I'll get one of those rare blood clots from the vaccine as quick death. I wasn't scared of dying of the virus. It was just because scary way to die so a blood clot should be ok and quick. He's being nice so hopefully l be ok and I know now I can never ever tell the police if he gets violent again as no safe place to go. I regret ever trying to leave.

Sorry just wanted to explain one more thing. At least two women were thrown out with just 24 hours notice whilst I was there. That's just the ones I know about. I know every situation is different and something serious may have happened but because my fears and his control had been about homelessness for so long, I never felt safe. I wanted to jump before I was pushed. If I'd left it any longer, in my head I wouldn't have had anywhere to go as he might have said no to me returning. I didn't know what else to do. I think I was in a fog of panic. I'm scared now. The WA person made me think it would be hard to find another refuge who'll take someone who's left another one. The other woman seemed to understand more and said it's understandable I wanted to be nearer home but actually I really don't think I can cope again with my life in their hands. It was such an upsetting experience. I thought I had the housing application sorted but now I'm scared it's been messed up by me leaving refuge. It felt hopeless though. It took months of me asking staff to help with applications and then one place finally put me on their housing list but it's suspended until a support worker fills in a marac form. The staff were so busy and I definitely wasn't going to ask the horrible one and then I had to leave. I hope the WA person can help me next week but now I think maybe I need to work on being ok with him. I've really damaged my safe life and home by leaving. I know it's some violence but it was safe as in settled home. Being killed quickly is a million times better and safer than being homeless. Sorry for writing so much. I just wanted people to understand everything because I know no one can help but I wanted to be believed before I died and also I want to explain how women can't leave violence as nowhere safe. I don't think it will change things but maybe not everyone will blame the women for not leaving if they know there's not always places to go to.

Please stop saying, "Sorrry", so much.

It sounds as though you got too involved in talking to the staff at the refuge. All you needed was some shelter, not long involved chats. They knew why you were there, they don't need your life story. I get that you weren't happy about workmen/inspectors coming in to your room but it wouldn't have been for long; you could surely have gone to the kitchen or even outside for a bit.

However that is past. You are back home with the man who abuses you (I think I would have preferred unpleasant staff in a refuge, at least you had a room where you could sleep safely at night). Has he been abusive since you've returned or have you been able to maintain space between you?

Roll on Tuesday when you can get on the telephone again and, hopefully, find someone who will help you.

You're not stupid, you just didn't understand how the system worked. That's where they let you down. They're probably more used to dealing with people who have been in various systems all their lives and already know how things work. But you didn't know anything and they should have explained. That's why I'm trying to explain it all to you now, so you'll know for next time.

Regarding your partner. I think definitely try to get him removed from the house by police. But speak to women's aid about it for their opinion. He says he'll kill you but that doesn't mean he will or even that he'd try, he's trying to scare you. Remember to tell the police all about it though, all the details. And if he is removed, make sure you call them every single time he comes back. It's important for building a record for the council for evidence of why you need somewhere else to live.

It's a very good sign that women's aid phoned you to see about if there was a weekend emergency. You are still in their system then, or they wouldn't have called you about it.

It is very difficult for them with workload when there's a bank holiday because all the work has to be done in 4 days instead of 5 and there will likely be extra emergencies over the weekend. So on Tuesday not only is there one less day that week, there's also extra work. Hopefully your allocated support worker will contact you soon. It sounds like they might be considering alternative accommodation.

Temporary homeless accommodation isn't as safe as a refuge, if the temporary accommodation is a hostel. But the staff there can help you enter and leave safely from your room to the outside world so you can buy food etc. You could get a tenancy support worker too, if they have those in your area. They help you with paying bills, managing debts, filling in forms, making phone calls etc. and they'd come to the hostel to help you probably for an hour once a week.

You might not get put in a hostel though. In my area there's a few flats for homeless, which are given to families or people with serious enough health problems who wouldn't cope so well in a hostel. If there's any available it sounds like you might qualify for a flat. Then it's just like renting a flat anywhere and a housing officer pops in weekly to check how you're doing and that you haven't trashed the place etc. The housing officer can give advice too. You can't stay long term in these flats they're temporary homeless accommodation, so you join the housing list like before and bid for permanent housing properties.

If you get offered any sort of temporary homeless accommodation you have to accept it. It's a one-off offer (for the current circumstances anyway, which is your abusive relationship, you could ask again in the future but not eg next week) and if you say No they consider that you don't want their help and they leave you to yourself.

So you must take any temporary place you're offered, no matter how awful it is. And you must not move out until you have a permanent flat to go to.

If it's a flat you come and go as you please. If it's a hostel you can go out for a while, or even all day every day if you want to, or stay inside, but check what time you have to return at night to not be locked out. If you get locked out you will be on the streets that night and you might lose your place in the hostel. So it's important to avoid this.

After a year if you're still in the temporary place because your bidding in the housing list has been unsuccessful, the council find you a housing association flat themselves and offer it to you without you bidding on it. This is how it is in my area anyway.

When it comes to permanent places I think you can refuse the first two you are offered, if you think it's unsuitable, but then you must accept the third one. If you don't accept the third one you'll be considered to not want their help, discharged from the homeless teams help and left to yourself again. If that happens you will not be able to stay in the temporary place. So always check the consequences of refusing a place before you do so.

In the refuge, I will try to explain things. The thing about checking the rooms in numbered order. This is because when they made an exception for you and did your room first, how they saw it was that it didn't make any difference to your distress, you was still upset. They don't have time to make adjustments for people, unless those adjustments are going to make a difference. It didn't make a difference the first time, so that's why they refused to do it the second time.

I don't know what you did the first time, it sounds like you may have been explosive in your temper or behaviour? This is understandable, given your fears. Unfortunately, you might have broken some rule about how to behave towards staff and that could be why the manager asked you to leave.

Or it might have been nothing to do with that. The manager might have meant you needed to leave by bidding on the housing list properties. She might have thought you hadn't been bidding on purpose, she might not have realised that nobody got you onto the list for ages.

I'm going to mention this next thing not to pressure you but just as an explanation. The reason why some people might have been saying to you about getting help with your mental health is because although you don't want medication, what medication does is help you to keep calm during these very difficult times in a refuge where the system of how it's run feels awful for you. The medication would be a temporary quick-fix solution to help you cope through those months until you're permanently housed, and then you could speak to your doctor about coming off it and the best way to go about that. I'm not saying you need to be medicated, I'm just explaining how it could help you temporarily. Medication is not just for insane people, it is for anyone who isn't coping.

Wanting the workmen to return in a few weeks seems reasonable to you but in reality it wasn't, because of the expense of calling a workman out for just one room. So they needed to do all the rooms on the same day.

The thing about coming into the room if you don't answer is because they can see your mental state and they worry you might hurt yourself. So if you don't answer they have to check. Yes you could just be in the bath or asleep but also you could be seriously hurt and need an ambulance. It is their job to check. If someone died and the authorities said why didn't you call an ambulance, if the staff said "well we thought she was asleep so we didn't check" then they would be in so much trouble for negligence. I realize it feels intrusive and controlling to you, but also they have their job to do. They do have to do these checks.

The waking you up is because for a lot of people it helps them to be in a routine. I'm the same as you, it doesn't help me it just makes me more tired. But they were trying something that works for most people. They were trying it because you're not happy to have an appointment or phone call straight away the second you wake up. So they were trying to prevent that by getting you into a routine where you're awake in the day. It didn't work out for you, I understand that, but they were trying their best.

I hope this info helps you feel better about the situation. I don't think they meant to trick you or lie to you. I think they just didn't explain things in enough detail, so you didn't know what was happening and couldn't make good choices. I hope you understand it all a bit better now.

Also I will say the two women who got kicked out of the refuge with 24hr notice. Some people are alcoholic or drug addict. Usually a rule in these places is no alcohol or drugs on the premises and not to be under the influence of alcohol or drugs when you're inside the premises. It is not unusual for people to break this rule and if they do it would get them thrown out.

AmberitsACertainty, that is such an excellent post!

Yes, I second that. Great post. 👍🏻

I know you'll think I'm spoilt and ungrateful. I probably am but I can't help how I feel. I really so much appreciate you explaining everything. It definitely helps to know as I find pretending there's decent options is worse than honest truth. I've found false hope so upsetting. I realise I'll have to stay. Can't stay here without him as not allowed. I'll see if there's any miracles that can happen when speak to person from WA next week and housing places but not much hope. If I can't get out of this, I'm going to see if I qualify for Dignitas. Please don't be angry. I've wanted to go there for a long time. I've spent my entire adult life in bad housing. Partly my fault for panicking about things but also just stupidly ending up in abuse situations and also because of being from London so easier to get stuck in bad housing with no other options. I wish I'd left sooner but didn't have the courage and then my health got bad.

I can't cope with the thought of more bad housing and suffocating intrusive violating checks. He has been intensely controlling and monitoring. I need to know I can sleep when unwell. I have health issues that make me exhausted and faint some days. Also started going through menopause symptoms. I have sleep issues partly because for so long I had to force myself to stay awake to be ready to try to eacspe or call police. I finally managed to deal with it by telling myself it was ok to sleep in the next morning to recover, it was safe. He used to stop me sleeping deliberately. I need to control my recovery and can't do that if someone else takes his place.

I can't recover if I have the same control from others. I'd definitely kill myself rather than a hostel. Even if there wasn't a virus I can't share with other people. It was a self contained refuge. I could never have gone otherwise.

I'm no longer worried in any way about getting a blood clot from the vaccine. It seems like the solution if quick death. I might be able to cope with a flat but don't know if I'll get that and scared it will be in an area full of drug issues and serious violent crime. I'm so scared of that. It was ok when younger but not now. I'm too old and not healthy enough to cope. Maybe I could be strong temporarily but I don't know.

I've lived in bad bedsit hostel type places when younger. It was so hard but just about bearable when young and healthy. Not ok now. I'm often housebound. It's a physical condition so not just mental. I'm too old for all this. I'm starting to go through menopause It's like I'm in prison instead of him. I'm being punished. I make myself go through the temporary accommodation already. The refuge was temporary accommodation. I thought I'd be able to be rehoused from there. It was all for nothing.

They didn't wake me up all the time. They respected my needs. It was only that week when I was so scared about the workman. They suddenly did it. Not to wake me up. They just didn't give an appointment time but said it wouldn't be morning. Then next day it was morning and they just turned up. Not to wake me, just because it was when they turned up. It was a sudden breaking of my boundaries after previously for months respecting them. I know it's not their fault as so short staffed and they were so busy having to fit everyone in. Just at the time it felt like they wanted to show me who's in control, just like he did.

The nice staff were going to do my room first but they weren't in that day so it was just unfortunate. Most of them were so nice.

I've taken diazepam and it really helped to cope when it was unbearable but GP doesn't like to give it much. I really can't take the other drugs. The side effects are too risky especially with my other health issues. I mostly coped but started to panic when it got to so many months and still not on lists. I knew it was like you said months in temporary first so I panicked as I'd already done months but no list yet.

They were mostly so nice apart from the two horrible ones and it's not their fault they're so busy and short staffed. I just wish I hadn't taken the risk to leave as it's made things worse.

Thank you so much for being so kind and trying to help. I hope it helps someone else. I wish I'd known all that before leaving so more prepared mentally. I suppose I kind of dud know some of it and knew I wouldn't cope for too long and a big reason why I didn't leave before. Sorry for not doing the right thing and not being strong enough. I can't go through more dangerous bad housing. I need to accept I'm never going to have a safe home and my life is almost I over.

Sorry again. I'll stop wasting people's time. I'll go away and pretend to be a normal person who's safe for a while whilst I can. I think it's better now I've not got false hope. I don't need to keep posting as I've got it all out and there's nothing more anyone can do. I really appreciate you explaining everything so clearly. I hope it helps someone else. Thank you and sorry again.

I ramble so much. I suppose my main thing that I'm so upset about is I wish I'd been helped with housing applications early on when I first got there. I was already in the temporary accommodation, and to think I've gone through all of that to then go back to where I started but actually worse is so hard. I've lost the strength. I feel so horrible and ungrateful as I know it was just they were so overwhelmed and busy and they were so nice most of them but I feel so upset that I kept trying to get help with housing applications. I suppose it's just combination of bad luck and me panicking. I wish I could start again doing it differently but I really don't think I can. Life was on hold for so long but in a way lucky that it was same time as everything and everyone else being on hold because of the virus. I've lost a one off chance. I don't suppose there's any point leaving him if no chance to recover and rebuild. I'll try next week to see what happens but think I need to work on rebuilding things with him as maybe I should appreciate what I've got. He does care about me. I'm sorry again. It's just been so difficult and I was getting scared about my choices.

I don't think you sound spoilt, you sound terrified and confused. Some of the homeless people on the streets are there because they can't cope with the conditions in hostels, so they walk away before they're permanent housed and lose their help. You're not alone in your decision.

Although you've made a mistake with the refuge place this time, you might be able to get in one again in the future, I'm unsure what the rules are about that. Perhaps if his behaviour becomes worse, or your health becomes worse, or a certain amount of time has passed you might qualify for a place again. Or some other reason that I haven't thought of.

If you go into another temporary accommodation I would speak to the GP about the diazepam. It's true that it's addictive in some people. But I know someone who takes 6mg per day most days and nothing on the other days. Although they probably have a physical dependency on it, they're not addicted in the sense of they don't crave it or keep taking more and more and more. It controls their anxiety well on this low dose and without side effects. They've been taking it for a decade.

So what I suggest is this. If you go into temporary accommodation in the future, ask the GP if you can have diazepam for the duration of your stay there. If you promise to stick to what is prescribed and not keep taking extra then asking for a new prescription early to get more, the GP might be ok with it. You will need to explain that it's necessary for you, to enable you to tolerate the temporary accommodation and maintain appropriate behaviour, because the rules remind you too much of his control and you can't cope.

Agree with the GP in advance that it's a temporary solution for your anxiety and that when you move into a permanent property you are ok with the GP weaning you off the diazepam slowly. So you'd not be asking to have it permanently forever, just temporarily to get you through this difficult time.

If you have some withdrawal symptoms afterwards, you can remind yourself they will end. If you stay with your abusive partner forever then the abuse never stops.

You don't have to feel guilty or go away just because you didn't choose what people here advised you to. You can still post here for support or start new threads, whatever you want. You're just as deserving of support as anyone else is. You don't need to apologize for your decisions. You did what you thought was best at the time and that's all anyone can ever do. We all make mistakes, it's part of life.

Stay in touch with women's aid, they're a non-judgemental charity and they help people whether they choose to stay or to leave.

Perhaps if your physical health improves you can return to studying and part time work, then you can afford to move out into a house share. Until you can get back on your feet properly and find your own place.

I would advise contacting every council in the UK to find out if they have an open housing register. If they do it means you can join it and bid for properties. It might take years to get one but years is better than never. A fresh start in a new town is better than a lifetime of abuse.

If the housing register is closed in an area, that means you need a local connection to join the register. A local connection is a job in the area, a place of study, a friend or relative living there, or that you've been living there for 6mths already eg in private rental or staying with a friend.

Talk to women's aid about it to see what housing registers you can join and join all the ones you can! Then keep bidding every week and one day your turn will come.

Im really really grateful for you being so kind and understanding and the advice and also grateful that you didn't deny how bad hostels can be. I think it's really inappropriate of government and other places to put victims of serious violence in them. It's not safe and if my options are going somewhere I need to be drugged to think somewhere dangerous is ok, it's not worth leaving. I might as well be drugged to be with him in a safe home. I know what bad housing is like. I've lived it and hung around people living in hostels on drugs when I was younger. I'm too old and defeated to cope with houseshares again. Couldn't cope with being around possibly dangerous strangers with no safe place of my own. It's not that I haven't done it. Ive done it for years bad housing. I was suicidal in the end. Really genuinely suicidal. I regret so much not spending money when I had it on fertility treatment. It was my only way out really for safer housing but also I wanted children. I could get on the housing list where I was but one of the problems in refuge was I couldn't cope at my age and in my health to be so far from home. I genuinely tried so hard. I think the familiarity is all that's keeping me alive. I can't do it. I'm sorry. I don't care if I die as long as it's not too painful or slow. It's a the best way out for me at this stage of life with no good options. I only care about housing. I know nothing will change and I won't get through this so all I can do is post whilst I'm alive to try to help other women. I don't think things will change much but mentally it would help if there was honesty. I think women shouldn't be told to leave if there's nowhere safe to go. I'm so sorry. I know I'm sounding bitter. I admit that I am. I give up on myself but really wish it could change for other women in future but I don't think it will.

You are not that old, plantlife. There is possibly still a lot of life ahead of you and it could be good if only you could climb out of the abyss into which you have fallen. It's horrible being scared of everything. I wish someone would really help and support you. You must feel let down.

Is your 'partner' (for want of a better word), behaving himself at the moment, are you able to peacefully co-exist, keeping out of each other's way as much as possible? I understand from what you say that he also has mental health problems.

There was a woman on here a couple of times a while back who was frightened, in a similar position to you and wanting to get away only in her case it was her mother with whom she was sharing a house. That was quite harrowing and I've wondered how she is getting on.

The pandemic of course has exacerbated everyone's mental health problems and those who are supposed to help are either not available or not much help.

If posting on here gives you any relief, keep on doing it. AmberItsACertainty is knowledgeable and has given really good advice.

Hope you are sleeping now.

I disagree with you about women not leaving abusive partners if there's nowhere safe to go. I do most firmly believe that they're better off to do that. The difficulties they face in leaving are temporary versus the permanence of the abuse if they stay. I believe it in your case too, but obviously we can agree to disagree . I appreciate you have extra difficulties because of your health, which would have made the experience more difficult for you than for some others.

I hope that at some point in the future you'll feel strong enough to try a refuge again. I think it would have worked out ok for you this time if you'd understood the situation properly, because if you'd stayed in the refuge I think you were close to being housed. The council would have had to get on with it if your time at the refuge was ending. You had a supportive social worker which are worth their weight in gold. Hopefully if you go into a refuge again it'll be in an equally good area for support.

I also think you could have got a lot more help, from other organizations, if you'd chosen to change GP for a local one and hopefully things would have been easier for you with more help. I understand you had reasons not to change GP and that's fine, you considered your options and made the choice you thought was right for you at that time. It's all any of us can ever do. Life is all choices.

I don't think I explained myself well about the medication. Sorry about that, I'll try again. I didn't mean that the drugs make a dangerous place seem ok. I meant that (being totally honest here) you probably have post-traumatic stress, from your relationship. You seem to be reacting to the staff as if they're him. They're not him and their motivation for doing what they do isn't to control you, it's to ensure the smooth running of the refuge and give the ladies in the refuge the best help possible. Totally different to his motivations. Though I appreciate some of the staffs actions were triggering for you. The drugs would help to alleviate these reactions, which are essentially over-reactions. Your reactions are totally not your fault, so please don't think I'm blaming you, they're reactions which were due to your relationship and the harm it caused you.

If you were calmer you'd sleep better. With a better sleep routine you'd feel healthier and also naturally be awake at the times people are available to support you. So you'd be more able to engage with support effectively. I totally agree it's not easy to be woken up too early, before you're fully rested, by someone banging on the door and then having to go straight into a meeting before you've even had time to blink. If a temporary medication routine would prevent that, enabling you to sleep at night, get enough rest and be awake during the day, I think it'd be a good thing.

You had a lot of bad luck with it being covid too. That would have had an impact on staffing and availability, stress levels of everyone in the refuge and other organizations. I wonder if things might have been different for you if it hadn't been lockdown. Little things like being able to spend time in the library for instance, where it's warm, dry, there's something to do and troublemakers don't usually hang out there I don't think. Being cooped up inside the refuge all the time must have been so hard. The additional fears of the virus adding to your stress levels. Perhaps this time around it was just bad timing for you due to covid. But none of us had a crystal ball to know how long covid would go on for. I hope in time you can try again for a better life and that it works out for you.

Discuss it all with women's aid and stay in touch with them. You are deserving of their time.