I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

Plantlife those threads, well they're the exceptions. Since I've been following the Relationships board, since I've been on MN (2001), I have spent years sometimes, supporting and listening to women who need to leave their abusive partner but are too scared to. Some can go quickly and find their feet fast; some take years.

Don't try to run before you can walk. You need to take small steps, baby steps, look about and check the landscape before you can take the next step. You have taken a huge step, mammoth!! Now you have to check the land around you, and you don't need to do anything else until you're comfortable with where you are - I mean mentally as well as physically.

Your emotions haven't caught up with you. They have been manipulated for so long and it will take time for them to settle down and begin to believe that actually, yes, you are safe, you are supported, you do feel that you might be able to accept help from the staff around you.

Don't rush.
Baby steps.
You are stronger than you think you are.

Thank you thank you thank you. I'm sorry I said it three times it's just you've been so so kind to me and so patient. I know I took so long to leave and then was still moaning about things. I'm so grateful for all the help I've been given here and by the refuge.

I got so much strength from here at a time when I felt so completely alone when I had nowhere else to turn because of the bad experiences I'd had and I felt so hopeless and frightened. I'm so grateful and so sorry for going a bit ungrateful nearer the end before I left. I can pretend to be normal for a bit then come back to reality.

You're such a lovely kind person. I really hope things are going ok for you. Also for everyone else who helped me over the last year. I feel like I don't always deserve it.

I'm still struggling. I've had so much kindness and support. I feel ungrateful. I know I'm so lucky to have this chance to be safe and fresh start. I keep feeling panicky about it all though especially being away from everything that's familiar. I think maybe it's after being locked away for so long before I left. Maybe my age also becauuse it's a bit harder to start a new life somewhere new maybe. Maybe I'm just panicking.

I feel numb not being with him but then also I've been remembering that fear of him and what he's done to me although he was also so loving other times. I was rereading my old thread to remember it to try to remind myself.

I keep going over certain incidents in my head, things that happened over the years. Its silly but I keep redoing it in my head, like changing what really happened to how I wanted it to be like. Sort of fantasy wishful thinking.

Anyway sorry for rambling again. I wanted to say thank you but then started rambling. My support worker at the refuge is so nice and I'm very lucky and my GP who's been so much support. I think it just seemed to help me ramble venting it all out here maybe.

Anyway so that's it. I just have to try to be strong and stay grateful. I'm frightened and have some hard decisions to sort out but I'm trying to not panic. I know I'm so lucky to have good support and I need to not waste my opportunities. Thank you so much again.

Please don't worry about the virus, it isn't as much of a risk as what you left. That was riskier, that was worse.
Try to still the voice in your head. Just be. Breathe and take it a day at a time. Don't use the word 'annoying' about yourself. Just don't, because you are suffering trauma and that is not what people think. In any case, it doesn't matter what others think. Stay there and you will be helped with housing. But for the moment, just think about today.

You don't need to be grateful, Plant, really.

I'm not qualified in much and I've not read much, but it seems to me that having been controlled for so long meant you had to hide what you really thought and felt, and you probably got very good at that, until you didn't really know what to think or feel until he told you what was acceptable to him. So, no wonder you feel numb. You had to anaesthetise all those emotions in order to be safe and keep him appeased. It'll take time (oh that again!) for the anaesthetic to wear off and for you to start feeling your own emotions again. I hope anger (at him) will be among them.

A woman I knew who was stuck in an abusive relationship for years told me (she'd been out and away and safe for a year or two by this time) "I knew I was OK when I suddenly knew what I wanted for Christmas! I'd not wanted anything for Christmas or my birthday for almost the whole time I'd been married because I never got whatever it was. I stopped wanting anything because I couldn't cope with the disappointment of not getting it. He'd always say he'd got me something he knew I really really wanted and I'd always think it was the thing I'd asked for and it never was. I stopped thinking of things I wanted or needed or even would just like to have....." She'd been numbed, but all that awoke once she knew she was away and safe. Not immediately but in time. She said her children found the same - that was the thing that made her cry, that her children had stopped wanting things. Cruel bastard that he was.

Cruel bastard that your ex is.

Truth is, you're going to get better, you're going to find things easier, and one day you'll find that you've sprung up like an enormous sunflower smiling at the world.

As you do more things and create more pleasant memories, you will become more comfortable in your new life.

Are you okay?

I'm really sorry. I just came on to post by coincidence and saw your posts asking how I am. I'm sorry because it's not what I should be saying and I know it's really annoying. I know I'm meant to say everything is ok. I wasn't going to post anything negative again but today everything went wrong and I need to go home. I need to wait for Sunday when I think it may be safer to travel. I don't care about dying. I just don't want it to be a bad way from the virus. I wish the virus was a quick killer like where you just passed out. I'd deliberately try to catch it of it was but it's not so I don't want to catch it. I think if I travel late on Sunday night with a proper medical mask I'll be ok.

Sorry for rambling negative stuff. I know I've let everyone down. I'm really sorry about that. Everything I worried about is happening. I was scared about the other women. I knew it wasn't safe. I know I'm not normal as well. I was pretending to be a confident normal person but it couldn't last. I don't think I'm a nice person genuinely not. I'm upsetting all of you by posting self pitying stuff here. I'm sorry. I haven't got anywhere else to get it out. I tried helpline but they told me to speak to my refuge worker. I know that's right but she's not here until next week. I spoke to a really kind person at emotional support helpline. They were so nice but can't change my situation. I know I sound bad but I hope you understand I don't have children so it's not like I need to keep anyone else safe. I think it's too late to be ok and normal for me.
I'm sorry to update badly. I know I should give good updates or nothing at all. I shouldn't have come back to post here. I am so grateful for all the kindness I had here and I am really sorry for letting you all down.

I'm sorry again for posting. I'm just struggling today and feeling unsafe and want it all over. No-one needs to worry because I can't kill myself because I only want to do it if it was the drugs they use in Switzerland. I want to go there but it's too expensive so I won't kill myself so none of you needs to worry. I'm sorry I know I shouldn't be posting. I just don't know where else to turn. Can't speak to doctors or anything like that in case they think I'm suicidal so can't risk it. I just want to go home and hide there. I don't think he'll be there but it's safe anyway because he won't kill me because he knows I want him to. Sorry I sound horrible. I am horrible so I know that's part of the problem. I'm so sorry. I know I'm being so spoilt when I've been given this chance of starting again and I'm throwing it back in everyone's face. I have tried but I'm not normal. Now you can see why he got angry with me. I think one of the women here is trying to bully me and had a meltdown shouting to myself and crying loudly. I don't know if she's genuinely a bully or if it wasn't deliberately and being paranoid because of what happened with him. I've made it all bad now because of feeling so paranoid and now I just need to leave. I don't think it's possible for me to become normal again. I think it's too late. I think maybe hopefully you won't all be too angry or upset because there is some use in my posts. Maybe if someone else sees and decides to leave at a early stage before letting it go so bad. It's not his fault really because I'm not normal and do genuinely make people angry. I know that but don't do it deliberately but it's still not ok. I'm sorry. I'll try to calm down and get my head together. I'm sorry again. Please don't waste your time on me. I don't want to take anymore. I felt a need to reach out to the outside world but I've done that now so don't need anyone to waste time on any replies. I genuinely don't want to upset or drain anyone. You all are very kind nice people. I'm sorry I'm being so stupid about everything. I'll try to get myself together. I think it's a panic sort of thing maybe.

I don’t know your back story, but I can’t read and run.
I’m sure you’re not a horrible person, you don’t need to apologise for posting, it’s never too late and for what it’s worth I don’t think you should go back.
From what I can gather you have clearly come really far, obviously there’s still a long way to go, but I don’t think going back is the answer. I wish you all the very best and am rooting for you.

Don't apologise for saying how you feel, people aren't expecting you to feel fantastic all the time and only post positive updates. It's absolutely okay to be feeling upset but please please please don't go back. You don't feel it right now but you're much stronger than that and you've been through far too much to throw it all away. This is temporary and it will pass.

Feel free to rant away here, nobody is judging you

New to this thread, but I can remember some of your earlier ones. DON'T GO BACK TO OLD HOME. You're having a wobble. All of us do sometimes. You're not horrible. You're bashed and battered and need more time to recover.

Thank you for being so kind. I'm really sorry for upsetting or worrying anyone. I'm really struggling today but I'll try to get my head together. I know I need to sort myself out. I don't want to be a bad person or upset anyone but now I've had a meltdown I'll probably get asked to leave anyway. I felt like I couldn't be safe anywhere and panicked like felt I needed to run away.

I need to stop being like this. I'm sorry. I think maybe it's helped just getting it all out here. I know I've been given a really good chance to be safe. I'll try to be calmer. My support worker here is so nice and I don't want to let her down. Sorry again. I'll try to feel better tomorrow. I know this is a chance to be safe if it's not too late.

Don’t go back. The people who are helping you want to help. They are good people. No one expects you to be perfect. You have been so brave. You can do this. You are right that you have a really good chance to be safe and of course it’s not too late! I hope you do feel better tomorrow.

Honey you really really really need to work on your self esteem. You're so much better than you think you are. You're more loved than you think you are, you're more treasured than you think you are. Take time to heal and feel good about yourself. Sounds like you're having intrusive thoughts, try meditation and yoga. Lots of walking, drinking water. You really need to heal. Good luck

I think you need to see a psychiatrist and I say that as someone who sees one. What kind of medical and psychological support are you getting at the refuge? Can you ask to see a doctor and then ask to be referred to psychiatry? I say that because you sound so distressed that I can imagine a refuge could feel too much. You might be better off being an inpatient at the hospital where they can give you some anti anxiety meds to take the edge off and have a psychotherapist work with you - I dont know if that's how it works in the UK anyway but where I am that's what happens

You sound completely emotionally exhausted and shattered. You need a mental break

I'm really sorry for worrying anyone. I'm not going to do anything to myself so it's ok. I really terrified of a hospital. One of the things that makes it so hard here is because of not being able to completely avoid people. I feel scared of other people even if they're women. I'm also desperate to stay away from hospitals during the virus. My health isn't good and I'm at higher risk so it's very dangerous being in a hospital. I won't do anything to myself so don't need one. I'm sorry for upsetting people. I've got some diazepam for emergencies so there's no need to worry. I just didn't want to take any because I don't want to run out but maybe I'll take one now. I'm sorry again. I just felt really panicky before but will get my head together.

Has anyone helped you look into getting your own small studio or flat?

@plantlife

Thank you. It's really hard, a massive sudden change, but I'm trying to stay away. Some posters on here helped me so much but I kept not listening or leaving. I wanted to let them know I'd left. I probably should post on relationships to let them know but I like this quiet corner. I might at some point update people there, if I manage to stay away.

You don't owe anyone here a thing!

If you've been abused it does take time to realise how deep you are in and to find a way to escape.

Glad you have got out of a bad situation. Keep posting for support if you need it

As someone who takes diazepam for anxiety, take one and then speak to your gp on Monday about getting more. Can you try to stay until next week when you can speak to your support worker. Maybe try not to think further ahead than that, just a day at a time, or even an hour at a time. Has you gp prescribed anything else for anxiety? Are you getting any psych input or counselling?

Hi Plantlife,
I've not read any of your other threads and have no personal experience of DV, but it seems to me that the fears and doubts you're having right now are a typical stage of the healing process. Many of the threads I've read about similar situations mention the crushing self-doubt and 'regret' of leaving, but it's because he has so utterly broken your spirit.

I second what recent posters have said about seeing a gp about medication to get you through this difficult time and psychological/psychiatrict support to help rebuild yout confidence and sense of self for the long term.

I imagine that if you are in one of the vulnerable groups your anxiety must be through the roof about covid, but even so the statistical chance of getting it is very low. The media tell the horror stories but many, many more people catch it and get over it than those who die. I'm not minimizing it at all but I think it might help to put things in perspective.

Would you be able to commit to writing one achievement per day on here, so that you can track your progress? You can always post your fears too, but forcing yourself to fix one objective per day and directing your thoughts to that might help create new positive habits.

Jusr know that whevener you feel weak there will alxays be one of us here to listen and give you a virtual hug, and to hold your hand through this.You really are stronger than you think. Leaving is proof of that. You will get stronger with time.Think back to the ten year-old you were, and make the choices and decisions to give her the best life possible, starting from today.

So, concrete task: come here every day and tell us one thing you are proud of and/ or grateful for. It could as simple as "I managed to calm down when I started panicking" or "I made a gp appointment". It cound even be "I'm here trying to focus on the positive." Like exercise, turning up is the hardest part. One day you'll be telling us you've just bought nice bed linen for your own place. Close your eyes and really try to visualize that. You really, really can do this.

And honestly, don't worry about the bad days/wobbles. They're bound to happen. When they do, say to yourself " I'm having a bad day. Change is hard. It's all part of the process. I'm going to notice and name these fears and emotions, but then I'm going to post my positive achievement in mumsnet."

Sending you sisterly love

Thank you so much for being so kind. I don't think I deserve it. I behaved horribly yesterday shouting to myself but loudly enough for others to hear. I know it was a sort of panic attack and I still feel constantly on edge but it's no excuse for behaving badly. I'm going to try to be more calm and strong but think it may be too late and I'm probably going to be asked to leave. I feel like I'm not meant to be here stealing from someone more deserving and who behaves better. I feel so on edge and just waiting for the axe to fall. I suppose at least it won't be a surprise because I knew I wasn't normal anymore. I still don't know if the woman was deliberately being horrible or if I'm just so used to being hurt that I got it wrong about her. I think I'm so used being on edge not feeling safe and it still feels like it. I feel like I'm just waiting to be thrown out and that the other women think I'm horrible and I feel like I have to be constantly on my guard waiting for something bad to happen like being attacked or even worse made homeless. I know I'm not being normal.

Anyway I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm trying to stop. I don't think the GP will give me more diazepam. I'm already on painkillers for my health condition pain and sleeping pills. I've asked for help like therapy but they've said they can't refer me until they know where I'll be living. I wanted to get on the list because I know it's a long wait and thought it wouldn't matter being in a refuge because appointments are online or telephone whilst there's the virus. I definitely don't want to be seen by the mental health people here. I saw the crisis team when I got here and I've lost all trust. I don't want to speak to them ever again. I sound so spoilt but they wanted to immediately stop my sleeping pills. I've been taking them for a long time and was in a very bad state when I arrived at the refuge. I can't trust them to help if they wanted to do that. I know I'll stop at some point but it's such a bad time to do it now. I'm so grateful my GP understands. Anyway I know I'm a mess and if I don't get thrown out of here I think I'll use Christmas money to have a private therapy appointment. I don't want to become a bad person who has meltdowns. Maybe it's better private as I've read the NHS doesn't offer much trauma therapy and it's not in all areas.
Anyway sorry and thank you again. I should be grateful for a safe place and hopefully I haven't ruined it but it might be too late. If I have to go home though I'll be ok. I just need to make sure I have a place to live and I'll have that.

@plantlife - hello again
With regards to people to being kind to you and you thinking you don’t deserve it. You absolutely do. Likewise you are completely deserving of the place at the refuge.
And again, please don’t apologise for anything you post on here. You don’t have to apologise for being you. It’s fine to be negative, it’s fine to feel crap. You’ve been through so much.
But, having come this far, I really do not think going home is going to help you at all.
So yes, spend your Christmas money on private therapy, that sounds like a very sensible and productive plan. Good luck.

You won't have ruined anything, I'm sure they've seen it all before. Try not to worry about the doctors until you've spoken to them. Try to only think about getting through the next hour. You are spending far to much time thinking ahead. Take each day an hour at a time. Do not think about the bigger picture. Stay where you are and go hour to hour.

Hi plantlife,

I hope you don't mind but I've copied two really positive things from your last post below:

"I'm going to try to be more calm and strong"

"I think I'll use Christmas money to have a private therapy appointment."

Keep focusing on the positives, however small, and find your power. It's there, just hidden.

You absolutely can do this!

Re therapy, while you're waiting perhaps some online tools could help you? I've just had a quick google and found this which looks useful:

"Unwanted intrusive thoughts are reinforced by getting entangled with them, worrying about them, struggling against them, trying to reason them away. They are also made stronger by trying to avoid them. Leave the thoughts alone, treat them as if they are not even interesting, and they will eventually fade into the background.

Here are steps for changing your attitude and overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts

Label these thoughts as "intrusive thoughts."
Remind yourself that these thoughts are automatic and not up to you.
Accept and allow the thoughts into your mind. Do not try to push them away.
Float, and practice allowing time to pass.
Remember that less is more. Pause. Give yourself time. There is no urgency. 
Expect the thoughts to come back again
Continue whatever you were doing prior to the intrusive thought while allowing the anxiety to be present.

Try Not To:

Engage with the thoughts in any way.
Push the thoughts out of your mind.
Try to figure out what your thoughts "mean."
Check to see if this is “working” to get rid of the thoughts

This approach can be difficult to apply. But for anyone who keeps applying it for just a few weeks, there is an excellent chance that they will see a decrease in the frequency and intensity of the unwanted intrusive thoughts."

adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts