I've left

[plantlife]

I just thought I'd let people know because I know I wasted so much of people's time and I refused to listen to advice.
I feel I need to be honest. In a refuge in another area and everyone's been so nice and kind. Although I'm just waiting for everyone to get angry with me. I'm angry with me! I'm really struggling with it especially all the virus fears and don't know if I'll manage to stay but I wanted people to know I've tried. I don't want people to think I've posted to get people telling me to stay. I know I need to try. I just wanted people to know because I know it looked like I'd never leave. I know I'll let everyone down again if I can't stay but even if I go home I've thought through options and will look at safety measures if I'm home. Thank you for all the support you all gave me when I first posted. It really helped me slowly get go this stage. It's very hard and I'm missing him so much and it doesn't seem real yet but I'm trying to keep going with it.

Thank you for being so kind. I feel bad about my support worker. I feel like I've let her down. She was so nice and kind and was just so busy but it's not her fault. She was so nice and so were most of the staff. I keep thinking maybe i shouldn't have left but was bad luck the not nice staff were the only ones around when I left. There was a nice one in that day but she's a trainee so not in charge of decisions about things. I'll try not to give up. The menopause symptoms are making things harder because I can't think straight even more and getting some days when so exhausted.

I feel so upset about the social services where I am. It's make me think I need him because at least he cares. I don't understand how one place can say there's a risk to my life but then another area doesn't care and just says it's nothing to do with them. I looked it up and I think they are meant to help as the list of help is more then just washing and dressing and it also says if a mental condition so not just physical. I have physical issues but think I'm mostly ok as online shopping but its made things harder and also mentally sometimes I feel so capable but then I'll get overwhelmed with it all and feel desperate for support. I was thinking of telling the refuge area social worker my social services won't help but then she may contact police and then I'd have to go to the really bad temporary accommodation and I'd rather die. I genuinely can't go through that sort of housing again. It's not like I haven't already done it. It would be me being punished for being abused. I feel bad to say abuse anyway as he's being so nice. He bought me lots of presents. I wish I could be sure it's safe now but just a bit scared to relax as he's sometimes been hiding anger for ages then suddenly gets violent again or worse may threaten me with homelessness. I'd rather he killed me. I feel bad as maybe he's ok now. Anyway sorry for going round in circles.

I wish I could just ring somewhere and everything gets sorted as it's wearing me down feeling like I have to persuade people to help or people wanting to help but being too busy and it's not their fault they're too busy but sometimes I feel paranoid they've decided I'm not as in need or deserving of support as someone else on their workload. I need to call the places I've applied to for housing but too scared because don't know if me leaving refuge will change anything. I'm scared they won't help or they'll contact police if I don't go to emergency accommodation. I don't want the marac form done so may have to leave one of the places even though they said they'd put me on their list. I can't bid until they get the form.

Sorry for rambling again. I feel bad for betraying him like this as he's done so much for me and maybe it's ok now. Anyway I'll try not to give up but maybe it's ok with him anyway.

It looks like I've got no way out now anyway. I know made a mistake leaving the refuge. The fear took over me but I genuinely thought I had support lined up. The social worker did a compromise with me. She wanted to report safety concerns to the police but agreed not to if I agreed to her referring me to local social services. I also thought I had a new support worker. I thought I had my housing applications done and was going to be helped so wouldn't be here long. Now I've got no support and sitting duck but I need him at the same time. The social services here don't give a shit about violence risk or housing need. They said they only help if you can't wash or dress yourself. I looked it up and think my the refuge area social worker is right that they're meant to help all vulnerable adults but I can't force them to help me. All they'd do if I complained is report to police. He'd be arrested but I'd still not get any help

The women's aid woman never called me and I'm guessing she's not going to help me. I was told she'd help find me somewhere but she's obviously too busy. I can't keep messaging as pointless. If she's too busy to call me, she's definitely too busy to call round places to find me somewhere. I know that's not her fault.

I was thinking of calling the refuge social worker to tell her the social services won't help but then she might contact the police then I'd have to leave immediately and emergency housing here very dangerous. I have a little bit of time to find somewhere safer where I might be able to cope but no support so can't find anything. I realise now I'm out of options. I can't it on my own. I try to strong thought feel overwhelmed but doors slam in my face so even if I'm strong places won't take me within support worker backup. No other support options. Victim Support here is 4-6 week wait for any help so too late for me.

I feel so alone and I've lost any chance of being safe I think. My GP is so nice and wanted to do adult safeguarding referral but seems no point. It would go to the social services. If they won't help after another social worker refers me and sends them my care assessment, I don't see what difference a GP referral will do.

So that's it. I end up homeless or he kills me. I don't have anyone to help me so no way out. Sorry to let everyone down. I know it's my fault for leaving the refuge in a safe area with support back to area where they don't care if you're killed or at risk of it. I'm frightened but maybe he'll be ok. I'll have to hope he is because I can't cope without anyone and he's all I've got now.

I think you should either phone the Women’s Aid lady back or try the bog standard Women’s Aid number.
Your lady could be on annual leave, she could be off sick etc.... there could be any number of reasons why she hasn’t got back to you. So I disagree it’s pointless you calling her back and leaving a message. Just in case.
Plus, you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose by calling the main Women’s Aid number either.

Also, is it not worth letting your GP do the referral? Surely it’s better to do something than nothing. I’m tagging @AmberItsACertainty for her view, given her previous excellent post / knowledge. Just in case she has any thoughts on this matter.

How did you get to the refuge initially? Could you try that route again?

There must still be options.

Where are you now?

I'm sorry I was having a really negative scared panicking day yesterday. I've spoken to the support worker. She's really nice and hopefully something will get sorted. I'm sorry for being so negative and panicking. I think that's my problem. I keep panicking. I'm going to ask my doctor again about counselling so I can stop making panic decisions. I hope if I update again here it's better news. I need to try again I think because so many people here and in real life have done so much to help me and I don't want to keep letting people down.

Hey @plantlife
That’s very good news re the support worker.
But please rest assured, you don’t need to apologise or worry about letting anyone down here.
We just want you to be ok.
Good idea to speak to your Dr and see what they can do to help you.
🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

I feel so alone and I've lost any chance of being safe I think. My GP is so nice and wanted to do adult safeguarding referral but seems no point. It would go to the social services. If they won't help after another social worker refers me and sends them my care assessment, I don't see what difference a GP referral will do.

The more people who refer you the better. There's an unofficial hierarchy too. In terms of who has power to get stuff done psychiatrist is at the top, doctors/therapists next, then social workers then support workers last. Not sure where police fit in.

Social services are (so they say) underfunded. This means that in many areas they refuse to comply with the law and the only people who get help are those who are at deaths door.

Or those who:
a) understand what the law actually is and therefore realise they're being shafted;
b) have the mental and physical energy to go through the complaints procedures, both in-house and upto ombudsman level;
c) have the ability and funds to take them to court if they refuse to comply with the ombudsman's findings.

Most ill people obviously don't fit into this criteria. Social services know this, they know they can break the law and clients can't fight them, so they get away with it.

If you want to fight them you'll have to do your own research. Start with the Social Care and Wellbeing act 2015, Mental Health Act (2010, I think) and the Equality Act 2010, to help you understand your rights and the law.

Bear in mind the complaints staff etc won't know the law, you'll have to explain it as part of presenting your case. Social services will simply lie and say the law is xyz when it isn't. In the absence of any other evidence, complaints staff will believe that the law is whatever social services say it is.

Sorry but I'm unable to help any further with this particular aspect. I wish you luck if you go down this path.

About your housing situation, one more thought I had. If you have money coming in and a bank account in solely your name, you can save up 6 months rent plus deposit. It wouldn't be wise to save it in a joint account given your circumstances. Landlords can't legally ask for 6 months rent in advance, but you can offer it and they can accept. If you don't have a job, it can be the difference between a landlord accepting you as a tenant and not accepting you. You could simply save up to move out into private rental accommodation, if you have an income. Once you've got a property, if you're entitled to housing benefit you claim that from the date you moved in, then you spend the 6 months of your tenancy saving up to pay the next 6 months (although the landlord might decide to let you pay monthly after the initial 6 months). Once you have your private rental you also have a reason to join the council housing list in that area where you've moved to. This is worth doing even if you don't meet priority criteria for housing (because you're already suitably housed). It might take many years for your turn to come up, but how long you've been on the list for is a factor in deciding who gets housed. It also makes it easier if you're ever facing homelessness again, because you're then already on the housing list so it's just a case of updating your circumstances so they can reassess your priority level.

Thank you so much for trying to help. I think I'm too far gone to get through this but I hope it helps someone else. I'm too old and unwell to cope with private rent places that let people on benefits. I've been there and done it and ended up suicidal. I was referred to social services at one point by an old doctor. I didn't engage as I thought I'd get better and I was scared about finding work with serious mental health on my record.

I wish I had taken help if I could go back in time. I think I have to be with him as even if I had money for six months upfront, I'd end up homeless as soon as the landlord wanted to end the tenancy. I just can't go through it all again. I've lived more than half my life. I can't go through that sort of housing anymore. I lived in places with illegal dangerous repair issues and fire risks but couldn't ever say anything as nowhere else takes you on benefits. Anyway I tried a few years ago when I had money and nowhere wanted me.

If I can save up that much money, I'll go to Dignitas. I'm ready to go. I don't want to die yet but I want it to be a good way. It's better than dying in homeless situations or being murdered.
I just want to be safe and settled. I feel too worn out to keep doing this. I don't know if women's aid can help. If they can it would be good but I know they can't do miracle and I want too much. I accept that it maybe too late for me and I should appreciate what I've got. It's the less bad option.

I'm too scared to fight my council because of the risks they'd call police on him in revenge for me complaining. I definitely would fight them if I did end up being able to go to Dignitas. I want to help other women. I'm sorry I don't want to upset anyone. Im not young or healthy and I don't want to die in a bad way or be homeless. I want to go there in the end even if I get through this as I want control over how I go. I promise I am still trying to get help and women's aid have been really nice. Maybe they can help me but I know I'm being difficult and spoilt. Anyway I just want to let people know I won't just kill myself but if I ended up knowing I was going to die, I'd definitely go through complaints with the social services at my council so hopefully they wouldn't do it to someone else. Sorry if I'm saying too much. I'm sorry for being so negative in my last post and this one. I'm just tired of all the fights for so many years but I promise I won't give up yet. I'm scared about everything but I know I'm lucky to have someone at women's aid and I don't want to let everyone who's helped down. I think I'll ok anyway as he's being really nice. Maybe we can start again with fresh start. Anyway sorry again.

My concern is he’s being nice at the moment because you showed the strength to leave. However, at some point his true colours will show again. So do keep up contact with Woman’s Aid lady because if they can help you again, then that’s great.

Ok I'm going to be blunt. Not engaging with help offered has been your biggest problem so far. Except for the problem of being in an abusive relationship in the first place, which obviously isn't your fault. I realize you have complicated health problems which makes things harder, but your only way out of this situation is to keep asking for help and accept help when it's offered. You're not going to get to live in Buckingham Palace so you need to be realistic.

Your comments about Dignitas are unhelpful, to you. It's some sort of twisted fantasy. Dignitas is assisted suicide for people with terminal, or chronic and severe, health problems. It's not somewhere that'll help kill you because you don't like the various housing options open to you. There's a psychological assessment with Dignitas, even for those eligible for help, to check it's not coming from a place of depression or anxiety. Given your posts on here I can't see you passing that assessment. Please try to focus your energies on realistic and productive endeavours, that's the best way to help yourself.

It's no wonder you're stuck in a negative thinking rut given your situation, that's why you need to get out of your situation by engaging with help offered. Don't close yourself off from a means of support, just because that support isn't instantly what you ideally want. Keep talking to the staff, keep updating people on your situation and your feelings. Even if you think something is pointless, go along to the meeting and listen, talk to them about what you'd like life to be like, and accept any little shred of help to get you headed in the direction of your ideal life.

Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes. Knights on white chargers, riding to the rescue to pluck damsels in distress from horrible circumstances to place them somewhere perfect, don't exist. Getting where you want, need and deserve to be will be a journey. You won't ever arrive at your destination if you don't take the first step and then the next one and the next.

Even starting this thread has ended up with you having much more information about how things work and your choices, as well as the emotional support you've had here. It hasn't been a waste of time, so keep posting. Your plan to address your panic so you can make better decisions is a good plan and I hope the GP is helpful with that.

People here and in real life want you to be happy and to have an ordinary fulfilling life, as much as your health problems will allow. That's why people try to help you, we don't want to see you suffering. I still think you can be helped to achieve a good life that's free from abuse, whatever your age and health circumstances. If you stick around long enough on a council list, you'll eventually be eligible for the over 50s housing. This type of housing is also sometimes given to disabled people. Given your problems you'd likely be placed in a quieter area, the council aren't stupid and assess people's personalities when allocating housing.

If this is your ultimate goal, you need to stay alive and safe until it's possible. Perhaps if you don't like the options open to you currently, you can look at it from the perspective of which option is better for you? Being in an abusive relationship obviously isn't good for you, not just any violence but the long term psychological effects which will impact on your ability to have a happy life. The sooner you escape the abuse and start the healing process the better.

Any changes are going to make you feel anxious and you need to accept that temporary anxiety. The feeling of comfort that comes with familiarity is part of what's keeping you trapped. Feelings aren't facts. Just because something (your relationship/current housing) feels comfortable doesn't mean it's good for you. Just because something makes you feel panicky doesn't mean it's necessarily bad for you.

Women's Aid aren't sitting around twiddling their thumbs looking for something to do. You've seen how busy they are. You've seen how little the council does. These people are willing to help you because you're in a terrible situation. Next time you doubt if the abuse is real, remember that.

I'm not posting for help. I know I can't get that and I'm trying to stop posting completely as it's annoying for people that it's not a happy ending and also I'm taking too many risks by posting. It helped to post to express myself when I was feeling so alone and scared but I can't even explain everything properly as it's too dangerous so everyone will just blame me. If anywhere does mess up or not help or let you down they get away with it and keep doing it because no one believes people like me and even if they do believe me nothing they can do.

I have asked for help. I am still asking for help and I'm trying to be strong but I feel like I'm losing the strength to keep fighting for so long to be safe and ok and keep failing. I really still hope the women's aid can help me but I know she may not be able to. I'm sorry I didn't cope being so far away from everything I've ever known. I was told by a domestic abuse worker they understood and to find a refuge nearer home then I find out after leaving they won't want someone who's already been in one. I wasn't told that. I know I can't do Dignitas because of years of bad housing and homeless risk. I'd do it for an intolerable quality of life and unbearable pain due to an incurable condition. I've done my time in bad housing. It's not just temporary. I can't go through anymore. It was destroying me. He knew that and has admitted he's trapped me. He's not evil though and is definitely better than going through anymore.

I don't want Buckingham Palace but I don't think it's too much to not want more dangerous housing. I lived in places that were illegal because of fire risks and other safety issues and couldn't do anything about it because it's all you can get if benefits. I'm older and more unwell. I can't do anymore. All I wanted was to be safe and secure. Sorry if that's too much to want. I'll stay with him and stop complaining. It's the less bad option.

I can't even say what happened because I'm too scared but I was in the refuge for so many months and kept asking for help. It was months and I hadn't even got onto any housing lists. Something really awful actually happened. I wish I could say but basically going to a refuge actually took away my chance of somewhere safe after. It's my fault for panicking and going there in the first place.

I'm sorry I don't mean to be upset. I don't want to make you angry or upset. It's all rambling out. I'll be ok. I'm lucky to have someone who cares and we can make a fresh start. I just wanted to help other women so it gets better for them but I was being stupid because it won't and everyone will keep blaming them.

No it's not too much to want safe housing there's a lot of problems with housing in the UK with it not being fit for purpose especially at the cheaper end of the market. But if you got 6 months rent together you wouldn't be "someone on benefits" in the landlords eyes, your be someone providing a guaranteed income for 6 months.

Sorry if my post came across as blaming you, that wasn't my intention. I was trying to get you to see the truth of the matter. You say you were in the refuge for months and nothing happened regarding getting housed. You also said before that you were offered help from various sources but you turned it down because it meant changing GP which you didn't want to do. I'm pointing out those statements contradict each other. If you'd accepted help from those other sources you might have got onto the housing list quicker because you'd have had more people to chase things up for you. That's what I meant by making the most if any opportunities that arise.

You did what you thought was best at the time, there's nothing more a person can do than their best. In this thread I'm just giving you further information so that in the future you have the opportunity to make different decisions if you want to. Knowledge is power. You said yourself that if you'd known leaving the refuge would have lost you the place on the housing list then you'd have maybe stayed. It's not your fault you only had half the information needed when you made your choice.

I wish you luck with your journey.

I'm really sorry. I don't want to be horrible. I shouldn't say anymore as it will make people who maybe able to help angry but I'm my own worse enemy.

I didn't turn down help. I was referred for counselling but turned away for not being local. I was left housebound by an old GP. I couldn't risk changing GPs and even more important because during the virus I can't risk being made worse. I have a very good GP and can't lose that at the moment. They're my main support. I didn't expect to be housed straight away but I wasn't even on any lists.

I kept asking for help and tried to do it myself but they wanted to speak to support worker. I was worried about that but panicked even more when I was told by a helpline that most women immediately apply for housing as soon as in refuge. I knew I should've done that too but I needed help with it as housing places wouldn't let me without speaking to refuge staff.

I'm sorry I sound horrible and know it's not their fault they were so busy and the virus made it harder but it's not my fault either as I did try. I can't say everything but I actually lost a chance of somewhere because someone did something. If I hadn't gone to the refuge I would've had that place. I know I'm not making sense but I'm too scared to explain properly.

It's my fault for going. I don't think I should've stayed. Anyway I thought I'd set up support before I left. I was referred to transfer to the social services at home and told they had to help me. It's not my fault the social services won't help afterall. I trusted what I was told and it's not the old social worker's fault either that my home one won't help. She believed they would. I also thought I'd arranged everything and went over my plan with the staff before I left. They didn't say it would be any problems if I left. The landlords don't take you even with upfront money. I've tried when I had money. They say about insurance or mortgage companies not allowing it. That's why I ended up in horrible illegal places as they're the only ones who take you.

Anyway I think I'm better at home. I was struggling when I posted but now I know the alternative is worse for what I can cope with. I'll still try to get help and maybe women's aid person will be able to help me but I think I should be grateful for what I've got. I don't think maybe I should leave him as it's not a nice world out there on your own. He loves me unlike outside world. I love him. I'm sorry for upsetting you. Thank you for trying to help. I'm sorry. I don't want to keep posting and upset or anger people. I think I'm happy to stay with him. I don't want to be ungrateful as I'm really grateful to everyone who helped and tried to help including the refuge. I just posted again because I don't want people to think I turned down help. Sorry. I don't want to upset you.

I don't need to post anymore. I've made my decision but I don't want to be misunderstood and that's why I posted again. I'm sorry again.

I want to explain the counselling wouldn't have helped with the housing. One of the housing places wouldn't even speak to the social worker as they insisted on refuge worker. The housing departments would only do anything if they spoke to refuge worker. It's not me turning down help. I kept asking again and again. It's not their fault either as they were just so busy and stressed with the virus and people off sick and short staffed. It was just bad timing and not right for me. I'm sorry to upset anyone. I really don't want to keep posting as I don't think it's safe to but I don't want to be misunderstood about what happened. Sorry for not shutting up when I should for my own sake. I think you can guess why he got angry. I'll try to shut up now. I don't want to post as I've made my decisions. Maybe I made a mistake but I can't deal with the constant fight. I'm tired and don't want to wake up with a daily battle. I want to forget it all and appreciate what I'm got as it could be a lot worse. It's less stressful to stop fighting.

Oh @plantlife, you don’t sound horrible, and you don’t need to apologise.
I hope the Women’s Aid person can help you. 👍🏻🤞🏻

The landlords don't take you even with upfront money. I've tried when I had money. They say about insurance or mortgage companies not allowing it. That's why I ended up in horrible illegal places as they're the only ones who take you.

Regarding this above, that's not been my experience as a renter or my ex's experience as a landlord, in two different parts of the UK. So perhaps it's the area of the country you're in or the particular landlords you've asked. Not all landlords have a mortgage company to keep sweet. I always told the agents straight off that I'd need to pay for the rental period upfront, they know which landlords might accept it and only showed me relevant properties. So if you think this might be an option for you then I wouldn't lose hope altogether for it working out. Please don't feel you need to keep posting if you don't want to. People might add comments from time to time but you needn't respond, it's upto you. There's no need to apologize either, your life is yours, your decisions are yours and you've every right to make them.

Thank you for being kind. It made me feel like trying not to give up. I feel sometimes desperate to post. So alone and frightened. Desperate to let it out but so pathetic and scared I'm annoying everyone because of the bad ending.

Something happened today so bad I feel so frightened. Had a tiny chance of a safe place of my own and it's been messed up. I feel like I can't trust anyone now. I want to but had my trust broken so mamy times. Uneasy feeling but maybe just paranoid after bad experiences.

I felt like closing my eyes and never waking up earlier on. I want to keep trying but don't know how longer can take constant fear. It's not anxiety fear because it's real danger. I don't think I'll cope without him. I just want to finally be in a safe home and know I'll still be allowed to sleep in the bed or sit on the sofa the week and month after. I don't care about violence anymore.. Frightened I've lost the tiny hope of a safe place of my own. Will try to get through weekend no panicking.

Feel like maybe somethings wrong with me. Feel so numb and sort of broken down. Exhausted. So tired of every day being about fight for survival. It's not temporary. It's been so many years and all I have as options is more of this. I feel so old and tired. Feel so alone and don't trust the outside world. So many not nice people out there. I want and need him to look after me. It's a bad world and I'm completely on my own without him. No real support. They either don't like me or a few nice ones but they so busy and overwhelmed. They don't love or care. He does. Feel overwhelmed and vulnerable alone. Places that officially meant to help like social services are the enemy who don't care if I'm killed. He cares more than them.

Anyway. I only meant to ask if something's wrong with me or just a temporary thing I'll snap out of. So disgusting but keep not washing or change my clothes. Now I go few days not washing my face or teeth even. Not eating or sleeping much. I suddenly realise at night and then can't be bothered. I don't need help to wash or dress. It's more like I feel frozen and too mentally exhausted to bother.

i don't feel depressed. It's more like numb calm like I can write on here or look online at things but can't face reality. Like just no strength and also like with the lost hope from the awful thing that happened today. Feels sort of like big horror so awful.

I can't cope with reality. I need to blank it out. It's just been too much since left for refuge. I put all my mental strength to.do it and to trust them with my life. When it went wrong it's like I'm lost all strength. It was more the other way before like almost desperate frantic panicked anxiety. Now like been broken. Sorry long rambling. I need to snap out of it.

The numb feeling is your brains way of protecting you. You can't cope with what you're feeling so your brain has made you feel nothing much, only the strongest emotions are breaking through like the fear. It's a sign of how bad your situation is there.

You're right staff don't love you, but it's not their jobs to live you or to care about you the way a decent partner would (not your partner because they're not decent and their caring is an act not their true feelings).

You should post here whenever you want to. Ramblings is ok. I don't think you're annoying people, everyone is worried about you.

Frightened really frightened. Running out of time. Had bit of time but running out. Terrified won't have help to leave before he does something. Feel sick and numb and so frightened. Just want it all over. Can't cope. Been years. Frightened of more violence but worse is if homelessness. Want this over with. Can't cope just waiting for the time to run out.

I had a short period of time but not been helped to leave yet. Frightened won't get out in time..need to sleep need to make phone calls tomorrow try to see if can sort out the awful thing from Friday.

Scared people I need to help me will be too busy. Had a chance of somewhere safe but got taken away. So desperate to try to get it if not too late. Probably too late. Feel horror. Was my one big hope. Last chances of leaving for safe place going. Running out of time. He's complete control. Have to do what he wants. Nowhere seems to care about the control or the mental affect on me. It's destroying me.

I can't cope. Some places don't even care about the risk of being killed. Social care didn't care at all. Feel desperate for support. Not coping. A helpline said they were breaking the law by saying only helped with intimate care but how do I fight for help if vulnerable. There's nothing I can do and anyway the social worker I spoke to didn't care about risk of being killed or anything else so I don't see her being any support even if I tried to fight for help. I know I'm in a bad way but don't know how to get help. I can't sleep because of fear about everything and feeling dirty and ashamed for letting him do whatever he wants and also horrible memory dreams. Numb feeling stopping me wash myself and clean but also that's my poor health as well. Can't even eat much. Fear making me feel sick and scared to spend on food shop if have to leave in emergency. Cost so much money going to refuge. Feel like it fatal decision. No safe after, back to being under his complete control with him angry l l left, and so much money getting back. I have so little money and wasted it on something that's made things worse. I have food though so wouldn't starve. It's mainly sick with fear and horror after Fridays incident stopping me eating.

Sorry ramby. Want to stop. Just fear taking over. I'm going insane. Talking to myself. Can't stop. I don't want to be like this. Just insane with fear.. sorry.

Trying so hard not doing it deliberately but don't think can even take somewhere safe if no support. Hate my local social care after they didn't help and broke rules by not helping me. Feel like no way are they to be trusted and they won't help anyway. Just feel so desperate for social worker to support me probably only need temporary.. don't know what to.do..not coping..so frightened to leave here and be on my own with no support. He helps me when I need care. What do I do without him if they don't help. Sorry. Fear making me worse. I.want to be strong and get better. I don't know if that's delusional. Sorry I'll try to be strong. Maybe my GP can help. So frightened bad night as time really running out and so hard to get help. Massive blow after the Friday incident. Feel like hope of safety gone. Trusted it as a chance. Stupid of me..

Sorry you’re going through all this OP.
I don’t have any experience in this area so I’ll leave the advice to others, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone. Do you still have meds to help you sleep?

You can have a decent life, it’s not beyond you. X

What happened on Friday?
Even if you don’t want to give all the details, which is understandable, could you allude to what happened?

Thank you and I'm really sorry I was panicking on Friday. I think I'm actually panicking just about being without him. I'm finding it really hard. I'm going to speak to my doctor and ask again about therapy. I know I'm really lucky to have women's aid support and I need to stop panicking. I'm sorry for being so negative in my last posts. I think I need to stop posting for a bit as I keep doing panic posts and I want to stop panicking and try to get myself sorted.

You do what’s best for you Plantlife.
Good luck - therapy sounds like a great idea.
Fingers crossed for you for everything. 🤞🏻👍🏻