is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

What @cakeandchampagne said.

You accept the bare minimum from this man and are grateful for having your own shower gel. That’s not usual. Not having to think about having your own shower gel as you take it for granted is what most people do.

There are no two ways. You need help. Now.

You are messed up big time because he’s made you like this. Sorry for the honesty. This isn’t you. It’s him messing with your mind. You deserve better. You need help. People will believe you. All you have to do is tell the truth. Police, social work, doctor, women’s aid. Pick one and contact them. You do need help. Please do something instead of putting everything in the ‘too difficult box inside your brain’ and backtracking and trying to cover for someone and minimise what he’s done so in your head it’s ok to stay.
It’s not. You need to go.

And for goodness sake don’t try and have a baby with this man. That would be the worst thing you could do. For you and her.

Tell the truth to someone and get free from this man. You will have somewhere safe to stay. There will be shower gel. It will be ok and so will you

It's so lovely and kind of you all. I don't think I deserve your niceness. I should have got out of this situation before it got like this. I also turned down help when it was offered. I was too scared and should have been stronger because now I've been turned down for help. Someone was meant to be helping me today with one of the problems (not him). They didn't call when they said they would and didn't even leave a message to say why. I'm sorry, I'll be strong again, just a small setback?

Just a small setback.
It’s not that you’re not strong. It’s just things wear you down and sometimes you’re not ready to tackle them.
You DO deserve niceness and kindness and happiness too.

Thank you. I have a small update. Some good news sort of! Nothing to do with him but one of the other problems. Just found out I'm not the only person in the situation. There's been loads of complaints and it's been reported. It caused so much stress for me and made me turn back to him and forget about leaving. I'm glad I spoke out now. Sometimes it is worth it. I feel less alone today. Thank you again. I'm going away to read more of the Lundy book now.

Please remember you are not alone.

Aside from the basics, what are looking forward to? What big & little things are you dreaming of?
Getting a puppy? Getting a degree? Travel? Starting a business?

I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better today. You aren’t alone. Here if you need to talk.

Just wanted to say it's likely your medical problem is related to the abuse, in the sense that the way you have been treated by your partner has made you feel everything is your fault and that you are not worth good treatment and that you must be a monster for expecting it or for asking for anything! None of these are true, you know that deep inside you. But it's a struggle, I really appreciate that. If a receptionist is huffy with you, that's his/her problem, not yours. Tell yourself maybe they had a bad day or in pain themselves and don't take that negativity on board.

Telling you he will kill you and hide your body in the the attic IS ABUSE. No matter if he isn't going to do it, IT IS ABUSE. He wants you to be afraid of him. That is NOT LOVE.

And just because you turned down help once, doesn't mean you are not going to get it now when you are ready for it. Every step forward you take is a positive one and setbacks are part of life, don't blame yourself.

Many women go though this and on average, tries to leave in one way or another SEVEN TIMES before they achieve it. Be proud of the steps you are taking in the face of adversity!

The Lundy book is very good. Glad you are have it.

Not a shadow of a doubt that this was a very serious case of abuse.

He sounds truly vile.

You don't need proof of his abuse to leave him. You won't be less safe without him - you will be more safe. You don't need to involve the police, or explain it to him, or let him have his say. You can just get up and walk away from him.

I'm sorry because I'm feeling a bit defeated today. I don't know if it's me just worrying but I don't know if I would survive without him. I've spent the past few weeks trying to sort out the problem that stopped me focusing on the situation with him. Its still not dealt with. There are some very kind people trying to help but it's taking so much time, waiting for appointments, waiting for replies. If it wasn't for him, I'd have no food at all because of waiting so long for help. He bought me loads when he came home. I actually feel really guilty too because he's being so nice to me. I think he genuinely does want to change. Then I think I should plan to leave just in case he hasn't changed but I can't because I'm not well and have to spend so much time on that.

I'm scared I'll die. I know I'm being stupid, it's just I've not gone outside for so long now, weeks. I'm literally getting up from bed and sitting on the sofa all day. I'm scared I'll have a heart attack or something. I'm sorry, I'm tired and feeling sorry for myself. It's not his fault, this problem. He says he doesn't want me to die.

Being very honest, I was planning a trial run next week. He's away then and I planned to try to leave but obviously if I couldn't cope or there wasn't help, I'll be able to return without him knowing. Now I can't. I do love him and I know you think I'm stupid so perhaps I just have to trust he has changed. I just wish I'd been able to set up my leaving plan so it was there in case. I can't because I have to sort out the health.
Sorry for being so negative.

Thank you for being so kind. I'll try to pull myself together again. Cakeandchampagne, I'd love to get a dog and I'd like to go back to studying. I haven't worked for a few years so think it would help. He's out tonight and I miss him. That's silly maybe.

You would do more than survive.
You deserve so much more than this.
Do you have a diagnosis for the health issue? Does your GP know how you feel?

Thank you. I wish I could express how much your kindness means. It seems like I'm ignoring advice, I'm just scared and it's even harder to think when not feeling well, but it really does mean a lot to think someone out there cares. It's not your problem though and I don't want to burden you or anyone else here with my problems. I am posting partly just to get it all out because Im so cut off from the outside with right now. I also keep feeling scared I'll die. I don't want him in trouble though but want to feel what's happened over the years is known out there somewhere.

The doctor is the problem. They've made everything so much worse for me. I could cope with lack of support but they've done some things wrong, made mistakes then tried to blame me, said it was my mental health, and are threatening to deregister me. I have some evidence it's not me, I've got someone helping me, and it's happened to lots of other patients, but in the meantine it can't give me back the time I've lost dealing with it all, still feeling ill and not focusing on the situation with him. I have a letter on my file saying I'm difficult and demanding, sent after I made a complaint. Apparently all patients who complained got one. I feel I can't find a new doctor now.

Sorry for these long posts. Please noone feel obliged to read and/or reply.

People reply here because they care.
Sometimes you need help, and people can make suggestions.
Sometimes you just need to be heard, and people can listen.

Thank you so much. It helps restore my faith in humans knowing there are nice kind people out there. I know I need to stop worrying about worse case examples but it's things like this that terrify me. Sorry can't post the link for some reason but a report on BBC yesterday about women being homeless after leaving abuse.

He's stopped being violent mostly and making so.much effort that I keep thinking I'm safer with him. Then I think I should leave in case it gets bad again. I'm going to logoff and take deep calm breaths and think about what I can do instead of what if worrying. I think I just needed to write my fears down. I still feel so guilty but as I was writing I remembered his face when he gets violent and it scares me. I'm sorry I feel so guilty for him. I think I'll get back to the Lundy book now.

So what's happened, sorry for posting so much, I feel a need to get it out. I have been so scared for ages about having no home if I left but I kind of got myself together and was planning to take a leap of faith. I had some plans of how to go. Then the doctor stuff happened and it's sent me back into a mesd of fear. It also helps him so much if he did go bad again because it looks like I'm the bad one. He has said the police and GP know I'm the problem.

Please don't hate me if you recognise this situation. I posted about it somewhere else but he's more likely to look there so I can't give details and also can't help feeling I need my truth known in case I die.

I had to make a complaint to my GP surgery. Tried not to but practice manager was apparently never available, doesn't do meetings, and never called me when I was told she would. The day after I made the written complaint I was emailed a letter accusing me of demanding appointments (I filled in symptoms online, they emailed an appointment), not bothering to turn up for no reason, and making nuisance phone calls.

I feel dirty and sick and ashamed for trusting them. I couldn't go to some appointments at hospital when things were bad with him but the GP knows why, I told them. I couldn't go in person to 2 recent GP appointments because I'm in pain with my condition but also I feel so bullied by the receptionist. First time they let me have telephone appointment, 2nd time, they ignored my email asking for that, then receptionist refused to let me speak to GP on the day. I told the gp in the past I've felt bullied. I used to trust her so much but she never believes me about anything. I've been in pain and she insisted it was anxiety. She ignored the consultant notes and me explaining the condition. She decided me being scared of my partner was anxiety when i was saying wad getting drunk sbd things get bad when he's angry so I wad scared of him.coming back that evening. She told me I didn't need to show a bruise (so no evidence now).

The nuisance phone calls were me begging to be allowed a telephone appointment (they've done this before) and later asking to speak to the practice manager. I was very upset (but polite) just close to tears and in pain and scared. I recorded the call so have proof but I can't change surgeries now as a difficult patient. So I've got no medical help, scared I won't get a sick note when I run out soon. I've spent money I saved in case I left him, just train or cab fares, on medicine privately. I feel so sick they know it was abuse that I couldn't go to appointments and they're lying in the letter. They also lie about other things like I've ignored medical advice. I have letters proving it's a lie but I can't deal with it all in one go. I feel like I need him more than ever and the only person in rl on my side. He is genuinely being nice but it's hard thinking straight with all the worries

Sorry, I will go away now.

Ok, promise this is the last post right now. I guess to sum up briefly. I'm having to spend all my time and mental energy on trying to clear my name (from people who I actually really needed to support me) instead of thinking about what to do about him. Also still needing the support and medical help. It's ridiculous because I truly think he's changed but I'm still scared of him and I had a chance this week coming to leave and now it's gone.

It could be delayed. Not gone. Are they saying the whole condition is anxiety? Surely that at least would be better away from him?

I've taken up too much of your time. I hope you know how much your kind support means. Please don't waste anymore time on me. I should be in bed but can't stop thinking about it. I'll have a bath and see if it helps. I don't know what they think about my condition. There's test results and consultant report. They did try to dismiss as anxiety until I saw the consultant. Since then they've been really hostile about it. I've explained verbally and in writing because it's not common so gps don't understand. Showed them NICE guidelines, NHS info on it. They accused me of ignoring GP advice in their letter (sent day after they got my complaint letter, which they haven't acknowledged weeks later). It's like the abuse he does. Lying and saying it's me. I've got copies of letters I sent proving it's them but it's so hard dealing with clearing my name. I used to think Id turn to them in an emergency with him.

Why have you posted on here to ask if this is abuse yet when everyone says it IS abuse, you say it isn't? That he's changed? Why turn to Mumsnet if you refuse to leave him?

Like Wolfie said, if he is the one you are around the most, shouldn’t they consider that he may be a significant part of any problems?
It sounds like you try very hard to communicate with the doctors & staff.
Good idea to try a relaxing bath.

Cake, thank you so much for being so kind. I tried to sleep, couldn't, going to try again.

Rodent, I know I'm really annoying. I'm sorry. I genuinely can't think straight. He's not being abusive now and the serious violence hasn't happened for a while. I'm so confused. I can't work out if he's changed, or if the doctor is doing the job for him and he's pretending to be nice. My instincts keep changing. I desperately need him to no longer be an abuser as I can't deal with that at the same time. I know I'm stupid.

You’re not stupid
You’re not annoying.
Either he’s talked you into thinking you are or maybe there’s some depression/MH issues/low self esteem going on.
But you’re not. Really you’re not.

It feels as if this is all going round and round in circles. It's clear that the medical side of things - both your condition and the doctors - are CAUSING anxiety. The anxiety also 'allows' you to stay as you are because (and I mean this very understandingly) to change (i.e. leave) is very, very scary for you. Possibly at a level scarier than his abuse? So your brain plays little tricks on you - lets you think you need him to help you, that he is not THAT bad, that you are not worth anything better, that everyone at the surgery hates you etc.

I feel you would really benefit from a friend to talk all this through with, someone who you could trust when they reflect back to you what you are saying and allowing yourself to believe. It doesn't seem like you have anyone like that?

Have you tried to call any domestic abuse numbers, particularly local charities? Have you been to Citizens advice bureau to get some advice about how to complain to a doctor and how to change doctor? ( You said you wouldn't be allowed to change - have you actually tried? )
If no to these, then you could definitely be allowing your 'inner saboteur' to take over (look online - it's really interesting!).

I feel desperately for you as it seems like you are really suffering on lots of fronts. You are absolutely not a lost cause though.

For what it's worth, I think you're experiencing trauma binding. For the brief moments he's nice to you, very very flooded with happy hormones which bond you to him even more.

The confusion is potentially a manipulation tactic on his behalf. It I explained in the book.

Has he spoken to the GP practice. He may have changed them into being his allies.

Both the mental confusion and the ways in which an abusive men manages to create allies for himself are in the book.

I wouldn't blame yourself completely for how difficult things are. I statecraft your DP encourages this lack of independence and sense of anguish as it 'keeps you in your place'.

Time to contact the Freedom project or Women's Aid. Talk to someone who can give you step by step advice. It's all doable. But, how do you eat an elephant, comes to mind - one bite at a time! 😁

Take one small but important step. It should help ease open the food gates.

Good luck!