is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

[Jux]

Nice to see you, Plant. Are those petals unfurling a little? Just remember stuff can be replaced, you can't.

[plantlife]

Thank you so much for being so kind. I hope I haven't left it too late. I should've had more courage sooner. I'm scared I've squandered the time he's away. I know I'll find it far far easier to leave when he's not around. I don't know when he'll be back but any day.

I'm so exhausted today. Didn't get enough sleep and it's been really affecting me physically and mentally. It's my health, it affects me more. Today was a write off but I plan an early night.

I think I need to get help through the doctor. But that means definitely not leaving straight away. She doesn't work everyday and then I guess she'll have to refer me on. I know I'm panicking but I'm terrified of getting coronavirus around him. He's always awful when I'm ill.

The DV service didn't seem to understand my physical health barriers. I know it's perhaps just my local one not being good but even the national helpline can only do so much if I'm not physically ok to get to a refuge. My local one told me other women manage to get to refuges despite terrible injuries. At that time I had not enough money for a cab and was physically in a bad way. They also told me I couldn't get a place just in case something happened. I didn't downplay with them either, I told them about the worse violence. I'm hopefully ok now, my condition is fairly well under control. But I'm nervous it might be another reason for refuges to turn me away? I know many don't have resources for any extra needs. I still can't just go out whenever I like, it's unpredictable. I'm not incapable but might have housebound days. I know it's awful but should I not tell them until after I've got a place? I don't need extra care but it may just put them off - and with a queue of women looking for a space, they'll want someone easy.

Anyway sorry, I promise I'll keep trying to ignore my worse fears. It helps expressing them here. I know it's not every area in the UK but the thread currently in Chat about how landlords discriminate against DSS tenants is the main issue for me leaving. It's not just reading that thead. I've experienced it. That's why I couldn't leave him when I first tried. Even though I had savings. There been a legal ruling landlords can't say No DSS in adverts anymore but as landlords on that thread admit, many still won't let to tenants on benefits. I understand why because housing benefit/UC is way less than market rents in lots of places. I know London's particularly bad but it's elsewhere too. It's also why I have to find a refuge out of London or I'll have no hope afterwards. I'm trying to keep calm. It's just such a vulnerable position that I don't want to be in again.

[Wolfiefan]

Stupid phone didn’t post. Pfft!
Good idea to go through GP. I don’t know what your health issues are but they will and can advise.
Some of your posts sound like you have depression and anxiety. If so I hope you’re addressing those. (If not then I’m sorry.)
You haven’t squandered anything. But I hope you’re still trying to get out and about and doing the freedom programme. That needs to be your focus. Not a virus you’re unlikely to come into contact with or imaginary housing problems.
One step at a time.

[Wolfiefan]

Thinking of you OP.

[plantlife]

Thank you, Wolfie. I'm trying not to panic but I'm scared about the virus. I think particularly as he's going to be worrying about his elderly parents and he's more unpredictable when he's worried. I'm also scared I'm even less likely to find a refuge space out of London now. I've already had several turn me down because I was from out of area. I know that's in the past but it's a worry, and of course the fear of shared facilities is even worse now. I know there's nothing you or anyone can say or do. It helps at least emotionally offloading my fears and worries. It's my fault for not leaving sooner. I'm trying to work out what to do. I'm trying to work on my confidence and face my fears but it's extra hard right now. I know I should make some calls tomorrow. I keep steeling myself to do it but I wish I could just hide from it all. I really hope you and everyone else who's been so kind to me here is ok and stays safe from the virus.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

@plantlife - why don’t you make some calls today? Set yourself small goals. See if you can get a GP appointment.

I strongly feel that seeing a sympathetic GP who can piece together your medical situation and your domestic situation is your best route out.

Seriously...

[Wolfiefan]

There is something people can do. You need to discuss your anxiety with your GP. It’s not in proportion to the risk. You’re far more at risk with him than from not getting a shelter place out of area.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

@Wolfiefan is right. You are FAR more at risk from him than this virus. Especially if you think he may become more antagonised by the situation with his parents, and take it out on you.

Please call your GP. Even if it’s the only thing you’d do.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

Sorry to ‘shout’ and put stuff in bold, Plant.

We are worried about you!

[cakeandchampagne]

Focusing on the effect of the virus on him is a sign you need to speak with a doctor.

[plantlife]

I'm sorry for worrying so much. I think I really am at risk. London's so highly populated and he uses the crowded public transport. I've seen the reports from the world health organisation about risks if you have certain health conditions. I'm scared all round. Of his reaction and fear about it and his parents, of me catching it, especially as he wouldn't let me rest if ill.

I'm frightened of worse case so perhaps I shouldn't. I can't help thinking if my worse fears about the virus are anxiety, isn't it the same about him? He hasn't physically hurt me properly for ages and ages. It's all on what might happen, just like the virus? I'm also scared I'll catch it before I leave and take it with me to a refuge. That wouldn't go down well with the staff and other residents.

I'm trying not to panic. I've got to speak to my GP anyway. Yet another problem with my prescriptions. It feels neverending. It's another reason why it's scary leaving. With my medication and health stuff unresolved, it's a worry. Its just a mistake but it's an added stress. She doesn't work everyday so it's later this week. I'll try to speak more about this situation but unsure she can help really. She can't sort the housing crisis. But I'll try to speak about it some more. I felt so ashamed last time. It won't be on my notes when I see hospital consultants, will it? I don't want them all knowing.

I think this thread will end soon. I don't want to annoy people by rambling on endlessly. I suppose I could start another if needed, I guess that's ok? I'm also going to try not to post the same rambling fears repeatedly so I don't fill up threads repeating myself. I know I need to move forwards.

[plantlife]

Sorry for another post. I might as well get it off my chest. I'm hoping eventually expressing my worst fears will help me get through them and do something more positive. I feel bad for thinking this of him. I'm sure he doesn't really want to kill or seriously harm me. But sometimes in the past he's put my health at risk. He'll apologise afterwards but say I shouldn't have made him angry. Even if it leaves me permanently injured. With my health, he knows he could hurt me by not being careful about hygiene and catch the virus. He's actually at higher risk too but I worry he doesn't care. He sometimes is very self destructive because of his depression. I'm scared of how vulnerable I could be around him. I can't even take it easy when I get a cold or period pain. He often gets worse. Even if not physical, the shouting into my face, holding me down, fist in my face, and then storming off so I can't rest because I don't know what he's up to. Also when he's drunk he won't do any handwashing at all.

Anyway it's probably all me thinking worse case. I'm sure he'll be nice. I'm not trying to make excuses for my lack of strength to leave so far but I think the long-term isolation has messed my confidence even more. I've seen articles in the media and comments about the mental effects of self isolation. I know it sounds like excuses and I admit I'm very scared to risk leaving, but when my old doctor made me housebound for so long, I think I lost the strength I'd built up. I'm trying to get it back. For so long I was desperate to go outside but couldn't physically, then after a while it became my normal and safer hiding away.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

Plant - you know he's done a real 'number' on you? By scaring the bejesus out of you a few times (especially when ill) he's got you on permanent tenterhooks.

Which would be worse? Getting the virus and being stuck at home with him for TWO weeks (and the threat of his violence) or getting out and getting some help from someone who can help you?

[copperoliver]

I'm surprised you have to ask is it abuse, of course it is bless you. X

[Wolfiefan]

You need to get out.
Worst case scenario? He DOES kill you.
Speak to your GP. Say you’re not safe where you are but you’re afraid to go outside.
And do start another thread if you need more support.
You haven’t mentioned the freedom programme. Are you managing any?

[Jux]

Try to go round the garden/down the path to hte road or something small every day. Tell yourself you can do it - we believe in you!

If you feel panic coming on do some deep breathing. In through your nose to a count of 3 and out through your mouth to a count of 5. My psychoneurologist told me the count can be as quick or as slow as you like as long as the outbreath is longer than the inbreath. Do it at least 3 times.

You may not feel an effect at all, but you'd be surprised at the subtle ways your body responds to that breathing. The more you do it the more helpful it is.

[plantlife]

I know I need to get out. Just outside, and also away permanently. I know you think I'm exaggerating but I really have asked for help from the services and it was so hard when it was such a bad experience. I promise you the doctor and DV bad stuff did happen. I know most aren't like that. I've spoken to some wonderful kind places since then. I also feel held back by my health. I know so many others aren't able to have safe housing so why would I be a special case? I know I have to stop worrying about worse case. I'm trying to stop.

With the going outside. It's not fear so much as deep deep shame. It's got worse and worse. Each time he shouted so loudly all the private things, including about my past, parents, etc, I found it harder to go past the neighbours. They've heard so much including the violence and me shouting back. It's a communal building with communal entrance, and there's the rest of the street. So much shouting, etc has happened when the windows have been open. It's so shameful. And the more stressed and scared I get and the more cut off I feel, the more I'm talking to myself. I feel overwhelming shame and it's so hard to get myself to go out. I feel so aware of all eyes on me feeling. I know they don't care and just want to go about their own lives but they'll all be thinking things about me if they see me. I know I need to get over it. I keep managing it but each time an incident happens, the harder I'm finding it. I know I have to swallow the shame and go out. I have to break the cycle.

[JWrecks]

Please do start another thread. And post whatever you want to post. Please don't disappear from here!

[plantlife]

Sorry I forgot to say. I've done a bit more of the freedom programme but admit I'd forgotten the past few weeks. I've felt so scared and focused on the virus threat and trying to get myself outside. I'll do more tomorrow. I think it'd help me to do it in person. I'll try to when my health is better. Perhaps if I leave and find one wherever I end up.

Sorry for the long posts. It feels so difficult. I know it sounds like it's me making excuses. A lot of it is my fears, but genuinely the DV place I turned to, was so awful. I'm sure I'm not the only one they've not helped. When I first saw the woman who didn't want to help, she knew nothing about my circumstances. I could've had children at risk for all she knew. The London wide is split into two services. One doesn't cover my area. The other has been closed to new referrals (except a few specific cases like FGM and young adults s under 21) for several months. I think I'd find it easier to leave with DV worker support but maybe that's another excuse? Hopefully with my new GP and the national helpline I can manage it. I'm scared not only if him being arrested (or harming himself) but also scared of being sectioned if I tell the GP how bad things are. The old GP threatened me with it. Admittedly that's because she insisted my health condition wasn't real but it's made me extra wary of fully trusting doctors. I think my new one is very different and very nice and understanding so hopefully it will be ok.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

@plantlife - if I had heard the kind of shouting and abuse being hurled around in my block, I’d be looking out to actually HELP the woman. Not judge her or embarrass her.

I feel that you’ve convinced yourself that they don’t care, when they probably do.

The weather is certainly much better to go out. Jux is right... just to the gate. Or a tree. Or the corner shop to buy a pint of milk.

Don’t abandon the Freedom Programme online. It all helps to make you more aware.

[Wolfiefan]

The only one who should be ashamed is him. If I heard any of what he said I would also want to help. He’s the one who deserves to be judged. Not you.
Try and do more freedom programme. In person eventually sounds great. But for now you need to find something you can do. 5 minutes a day?
The GP won’t section you for no reason. You’re not a danger to yourself and others. And you want to engage with healthcare services don’t you? You must be open and honest with them. It’s the only way you can access help.
I’m a bit poorly at the moment. But I know it’s just a stinking cold. You must avoid media stuff about the virus than makes you panic.

[Jux]

I would want to help too.

Generally people are nice, generally theywant.to help and want to stop suffering and misery.

I know you've had some had e,experiences which may lead to you thinking most people are horrible, but honestly we're not.

[plantlife]

Thank you so much for such nice replies. It really means a lot. People here and my new GP, and some of the kind people I've spoken to on the helplines have helped me realise there's plenty of nice people out there. It's still scary after being stuck away for so long but it helps me to know that.

It's my fault I'm so ashamed about the neighbours. One tried to help (understandably because hearing it was horrible for them) and I was awful and blamed them. I was so scared of the consequences including housing but also because of feeling so attached to him. I think I'm ready to detach from him but I still worry so much about him. It really will be liking ripping a plaster off, leaving. I wish there was an easy way.

My goal tomorrow is to go outdoors. I need to go to the corner shop for something so I'll force myself. I know I'll feel better after.

[plantlife]

Sorry. I forgot to wish you well, Wolfie. I hope You're better very soon.

I know I should get to bed. I'm staying up late stressing. I think going for a mini walk tomorrow should help.

[Wolfiefan]

Hope you get out today. I had a lovely walk this morning. Bit of drizzle but the birds were singing.