is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Read this book

docdro.id/py03

You will start to realise what is being said to you here is true. He has purposefully used tactics to isolate and confuse you. To make you feel sorry for him. To manipulate you.

Read it through. Clear the mental did he's created.

Use the advice about dealing with the police etc. in it.

Start to see how you can plan your exit without him using the judicial system against you.

I know you feel like yours is a unique case but you will be given the ammunition you need to arm yourself by being talked through the process of how he made you feel like this.

The book was written by a man who counseled abusive men.

You need it in your life!!

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Mental fog and confusion he's created - apparently a normal state of affairs.....

[plantlife]

I am truly grateful for the replies and offers of support. I know I'm frustrating. I feel scared about everything. I know I can't go on like this. I have to sort myself out. I think he's not my real problem anymore. He's helping me. He really is. I suppose I need to be completely honest about everything if I'm going to get help. If I need it. If it's ok maybe I could write down when Ive slept my barriers to leaving (if I actually do need to leave) and maybe I can finally work things out if I really need to leave or just sort out my real problems.

I don't think he'll kill me even if he did get a little bit violent again. He absolutely does not want to go to prison. It got to stage at one point when he'd threatened to do it and I asked him to. I said I wanted it over with, all the problems. He said he wasn't going to prison for me. He used to threaten to kill me in the heat of anger and not mean it. Since I told him to do it, he's stopped.

Please don't think he's that bad. It's like when people say bad things in an argument that they do not mean at all. It also is in the past. I just wanted the poster who was worried to not worry. He really doesn't want to go to prison.

[Gingernaut]

Bumping because people with more experience than me need to see this and your replies.

Please, you poor woman, you are worthy of love and you deserve better than this.

How dare he make you apologise for even living.

[Wolfiefan]

He IS that bad.
He isn’t helping you.
This is so fucked up. “I don’t think he’d kill me” and “a little bit violent”. So chilling. He has you complicit in minimising the abuse and you no longer see how far this is from any kind of normal relationship.
Normal people don’t threaten things like this or hurt their partners. Not even when angry.

[plantlife]

I think I do need to leave, just because I'm still so scared of him even if it is probably irrational now. I don't know what to do. He's been away and went straight to work this morning. Just texted me to say he forgot he was out drinking with clients tonight. I can't help feeling sick with fear. I'm sure it will be fine but he's always more unpredictable when drunk and I'm not feeling well and won't be able to get an early night now. He says I'm controlling because I don't like it when.he drinks but it's only that in the past he's been more out of control violent or smashes things up or shouts and swears loudly - sometimes think he's trying to get us thrown out. Sorry I am so cut off now this is my only real contact with the outside world.

I know he'll be fine tonight but I also know I'll spend the day and evening on edge.

I've also got no food left. I know it's not his responsibility but he was going to pick up the shopping. Was originally due back yesterday but changed his mind then texted to say he'd forgotten about being out tonight. I don't know if it's deliberate or not, just it's too late to get a supermarket delivery today. Can't afford takeaway. I won't starve, I've got porridge.

[plantlife]

Please tell me I can get help and get through this if I do need to leave. I need to explain my barriers to leaving but I'm scared everyone will hate me. I alienate people - not deliberately. I need to be honest, I've posted before here and in another place a bit about the other problems. Please don't be angry about that. I was too scared to explain everything, I didn't want to be recognised possibly by someone in RL and also scared I won't be believed and scared I'll make people who can help angry. I chose to post here because I hope he's less likely to think of me posting here. I hope that's ok. My biggest fear is not having a home. I just want to be safe. I was in the bath last night looking at everything I take for granted, having a bath in my own bathroom, my own shower gel, then my own bed, kitchen, safe from the outside world. He knows this. I think it's partly why he holds back more on the violence. He threatens to leave me and taunts me with me being homeless. He tells me I need him, which is true.

I was reassured a bit by people when I posted before. I thought I'd take the risk and try to leave but now something else has happened and I don't know how to deal with everything. He's probably not the immediate problem at the moment. I just can't stop thinking about what's happened so it's me now more than him.

[gorrisandhorace]

Listen . If you leave now you leave with your life and if you don’t you may not. Simple as that.
You know women on here leave to nothing, with nothing. It’s like jumping off a cliff in the dark and praying someone will catch you. There isn’t a choice whether to leave or not at this stage.
Your choice is whether to risk being murdered by your partner or not.

[gorrisandhorace]

If he’s out my suggestion would be to pack your bag and get the hell out of there

[Wolfiefan]

Sounds like you need to find someone in RL you can fully confide in.
Can you stay somewhere else tonight if he’s likely to come home drunk and kick off?

[plantlife]

I know it sounds like excuses but I feel frozen with fear and confusion on what to do. I genuinely haven't stepped foot outside in weeks, over a month. I haven't been able to, but also it now feels scary. Especially when not fighting fit. I genuinely have nothing to wear. I know I sound disgusting and pathetic but I wear my pyjamas and dressing gown everyday (I wash everyday). I gained weight over the past few years and don't have clothes, jacket or coat that fit. I bought some cheap summer clothes from primark in June but they're too cold for today's weather. I also need to go to a doctor because I genuinely haven't been well, have a number of issues but one is that I'm limping. I have nowhere to go. I know I can't wallow in self pity forever but if I'm able to I need to get through this week. He's away then so it may be easier to plan anything. It's not his fault a lot of this it's other problems.

[plantlife]

I really don't feel I can face the police but if there was no option or if he tries to say I'm the abuser, what do I do? They offered to drive him to a place of safety and referred him to an abuse charity. I feel so ashamed.

[Wolfiefan]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Not a thing.
It sounds like there are lots and lots of issues other than him. Can you start to deal with some of them? Plan your out?
Be careful. If he knows you’re thinking of leaving he may become very nasty. Don’t let him find this thread OP.

[snowbear66]

Are you married, do you both own the house?
If you rent then perhaps your parents can put you up until you get on your feet?
When you leave you can claim Jobseekers Allowance £70 a week and then housing benefit for your accommodation to get you started.
Why don't you visit the housing benefit office and jobcentre while he's away and ask?

Please don't stay, it's like living with a dangerous dog, he has no self-control. I don't think he can change, just go into remission for a while and he sounds dangerous. He's not even brought you any food, you are not going to be cared for by this man.

[plantlife]

Should I get this thread deleted? I don't think he'll know because there's no children (was TTC to ages, hasn't happened, stopped trying for now). That's why I hoped safer posting here.

I did have loose plan to leave, a date set even, but the other problem happened and it's made me have to rethink everything and question if he's that bad. He does seem to have changed. I think.

I think this is why I'm writing about everything. I think I've reached a low point. I've not been this bad before, completely staying indoors for so long, things like that. It might be coincidence but every time I start getting better, being normal, there's an argument with him or he by coincidence happens to be stressed or angry about something else. I think, but may be paranoid, that he prefers me being like this because I need him. He offered to pay for a takeaway but he'll shout about spending money on me if I accept. I've got porridge, I won't starve.

When he's away with work again I'll try to think things through properly and work out either how to leave, or how to sort out my problems, and move on with him starting again with both of us making an effort.

I'll take a break from writing too much here and try to think about everything. I've started reading the Lundy book. Thank you to everyone for replies and support.

[Wolfiefan]

Please talk to someone IRL about him and whatever the other problem is.

[snowbear66]

He won't change.
This is him and he will always be like this.
You can't move on and start again with him, it's gone past that point.

[Shouldbedoing]

If you printed this thread and emailed it to Women's Aid or your GP they would believe you and help you

I believe you.

[cakeandchampagne]

When you go to the doctor for your injuries, tell the doctor everything.

Your partner will never treat you right.
If you don’t leave, the abuse will only stop when you are dead.

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Glad to know you're reading the book. Take that time to deal with the emotions it raises.

Then come back to us with your plan of action for an escape.

Good luck!

[plantlife]

Thank you again for the link. I hope I'll work something out. I'm sorry for posting so much. It's just I felt just in case I don't survive this (more likely my health now than him), I wanted to speak out so it's out there somewhere, just so it's not just my silent cut off life. I'm sorry. He absolutely didn't mean this, he speaks before he thinks when upset or angry, but he said once he'd kill me and hide my body in the attic. He won't, please believe me, he cares so much about me, and like he says his bark is worse than his bite. It's just that made me realise if I died at the moment, people just wouldn't know. I'm so cut off from everybody. Parents not great relationship and they're in their 80s and in hospital a lot. Sister overseas. GP hates me and I'm thinking of deregistering before they strike me off, jump before I'm pushed. I've posted a bit about that situation here and elsewhere. Doubt anyone's interested but in case, it's a thread about requesting female gp and getting male pharmacist, then being threatened with being a demanding patient. Also different thread about practice manager not being contactabke, not giving me my medical records. I was scared of people recognising my story and hating me for posting so much and not changing. I'm sorry, I just feel like I have to get it all out. I know I'll regret this though.

[plantlife]

Sorry, I really don't expect anyone to reply or even read. I just needed to get it out of my head what's happened. Please, please believe me, he won't hurt me badly. Like I said he's been making massive effort lately. Also he definitely would not want to go to prison for me, he's certain of that. After I asked him to go ahead and kill me, he stopped threatening to. I'm more upset and stressed about my GP issues now. That's what stopped my plans to leave. I felt like one step forwards, two steps back. I'll work something out, I'm sure. Sorry, I'll go away and get on with reading the book now!

[Wolfiefan]

Nobody hates you and you don’t have to apologise for posting
The fact he hasn’t killed you and you don’t think he would isn’t a positive. No normal person threatens such a thing.
Have you a diagnosis for your health issues? What makes you think they aren’t survivable?

[cakeandchampagne]

Nobody here hates you.
We want you to have proper food and clothing.
We want you to be safe all the time, every day.
We want you to get medical care every time you are ill or injured.

You can feel scared and still do brave things for yourself.

[Wolfiefan]

Cake is right. And you deserve those things. You really do.