is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

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I have done one is it abuse what can I do

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

Click on Talk, then Body and Soul, then Relationships.
Click top right corner, blue arrow pointing downwards.
Click on Start a new thread
😁

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I have tried but I don’t know how to start a new thread

[Justtryingtobehelpful]

@Lblr This is definitely abuse! Start a new thread for yourself. Lots of us will give you advice to help you get away from him.
Plant life had moved to a new thread. She's doing well but still not left him yet. It's okay, we know it's a process.

[Lblr]

I feel that I am in the same position as you... he belittled me tells me to shh little girl. Says I am solely reliant on him- at the moment he’s been furloughed however been on maternity leave since April 2019. I get told that I Would be a prostitute to kett ET p a roof over me. I am a teacher, although supply. I am desperately trying to get a post. Every interview I don’t get the job get told well same story every time. You are not a professional. He laughs how much teachers are paid. He calls me a s lag and to f off in front on our children. He complains every dinner time, has thrown food in face whilst eating at the table because he did not like his meal. He tries to teach me lessons.example He said he didn’t want DS2. That I promised to do everything for DS2. I did and I do everything but I asked him to put the buggy in the car he said no cuz it was DS2’s buggy. Went to the beach cuz the pram wasn’t in the car he walked off with DS1 I had the bags and DS2 he made us walk the other side of the beach to teach me not to forget... he has a dog. I nag every day to pick the poop up. Owner of a dog for 15 years I know they like to be Clean I want to be clean I want me kids to be clean yet he says well you do it but I ain’t if you want it done. He has done the bins 5 times 8 years we have been together. He plays the victim card then when it suits. He won’t do things as a family just stays in the bed room. I mentioned that he said he would call the police on me for breaking the rules that it was more than 5 miles and wouldn’t look good having a criminal record when applying for jobs. I don’t even know what health relationship is any more. How much do we take? I am sad but I love him. I explain it isn’t about love this is about respect. He just says old dog won’t change. He said he isn’t prepared to change his ways. Is this what we are bound for? Anyone with An idea? Is this abuse?

[plantlife]

Sorry for so many posts. He's back and I think he wants to catch the virus. He made a point of saying he knows I'm at higher risk. He won't wash his hands when he first gets in (after London transport). I'm scared I've left it too late to leave. It's also going to be so hard to keep my strength with him back. I really need to try. I'm increasingly scared refuges won't want me coming from London. Understandable, as the cases of coronavirus are rising faster here. Maybe they'd be ok if it was a self-contained? That means no risk I'd spread it to anyone else.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie is right and made me realise. I really don't want to be trapped with him if he needs to self-isolate. He's so unpredictable at the moment. I'm scared to express this next fear but I need to. I know it sounds paranoid but I know him. I know deep down. Last night I was thinking about all the things he's done to me. When he's in self destruct mode, he'll deliberately try to catch the virus to spread to me. I don't think the DA places would believe me so I probably won't mention it.

I should go now. I've inundated this thread with posts. I'm so sorry. It's helping me have the confidence. I'm going to try calling again tomorrow. I hope my phone doesn't cut me off again.

I hope Wolfiepups are doing well and are good friends now.

I wasn't sure what to do but I've started a new thread. Someone has posted there and I don't want to annoy MN by posting on two threads so think I'll continue on the new one if that's ok. It's called "Ok, it's abuse, aiming to be strong". Same section, Other Subjects. Thank you for being so nice.

[Wolfiefan]

I’m glad you feel stronger and have a plan. I am far more likely to be taken out by an over exuberant pup than any virus.

[plantlife]

Sorry. Final update then I'll shut up! I spoke to the final number they gave me. The local place was giving me out of date places by a few days. The place I spoke to was so kind and lovely. They have several up to date places and will give me the number. My phone cut me off and he's back too soon for me to leave today but I feel better. I'm not going to trust the local one again. I think, like I have to do with him I need to trust my gut instinct on people. Something went wrong with them, the horrible woman maybe took s dislike to my voice or just messed up and perhaps has thrown my under the bridge to save her job. Anyway I feel better now I know there's some nice ones out there. I'll call the nice one back tomorrow. He's working tomorrow so he'll probably be ok tonight. Sorry for all the posts. Panicked and upset but feel stronger now. I just need to keep my resolve. Thank you all again for pushing me and for being so kind. I hope you all stay safe from the virus.

[plantlife]

Update. I don't think I can get away before he's back. I called a helpline and got some refuge numbers. I've called five places and no places. Several had referrals ahead of me and the other two only had space if you had children. I'll be honest, I only tried self-contained so it massively limits my chances. I'm sorry, I know it sounds spoilt. I genuinely found it so hard to even think about leaving full stop. I'm so scared about it all. I can't go a step further and share facilities. I truly can't. I think it would kill me seeing the children as it's do painful not having any. I'm also excessively scared of germs in a shared place especially with the virus. I know it looks like I'm not really on need of a place being that picky. Maybe I'm not as in need as others?

It really was such a big step going through with calling them, feeling calm enough to do it without agonising for hours, just willing myself to do it and leave the flat go get there. I'm.so scared of leaning. It's the only way I feel I could possibly cope. Anyway I've left it too late. I know it's maybe just because I called them too late in the day but I can't help feeling rejected. Anyway, I tried so please don't think I didn't try at all. And actually several I called didn't have any places even shared so it really isn't me not trying.

I feel upset as well. I won't be believed about this but the helpline I spoke to. They've one I had bad experiences with before. They were initially so kind and really seemed to understand everything. They were talking about advocating for me, speaking to refuges and the housing association for me. I get the feeling it's the only way to get somewhere suitable, having someone fight your corner. But when I called back they'd remembered who I was (their manager had informed them) and back to seeming to dislike me. Thru won't fight for me. Last night they understood my fears and barriers and needs. Today it was back to how they were before. Making me feel like I'm not as in need as others they deal with. I can't put my finger on it. I know it sounds like me imaging it. I'm not. I wish I could explain it.

[plantlife]

I don't know how to explain this but after emptying my fears here and after a good sleep, I feel more confident. Ready to go to the viewing. Still nervous about basement flats but I'm not exactly safe here either, and it doesn't have to be forever. It's what I've needed for so long, safe long-term housing. They've rearranged the time to next week. I can't help wondering if I've messed up. Perhaps no-one else could make it so I would've been number 1 on the list. But I guess they'd rather not do a viewing with just one applicant? I guess they'd want at least 2 or 3 to turn up.

My main concerns and dilemmas now. I feel so much calmer away from him. The state I was in last night. Such panic and anxiery and fear. Ideally I'd get away today before he's back. It's cutting it fine though. He seems to like me being a mess. I can't win with him. Like last night. Every time I said something calmly or agreed with him doing something, he'd start being nasty or threatening again until I got upset then he'd say sorry then I'd be ok then he'd start again. Hope that makes sense.

I wonder, would I be higher on the housiung list if I'd been more honest? I applied nearly a year ago. I mentioned abuse but said it was in the past. They don't know about recent violence or threats. I can't remember exactly what I wrote but I was scared of them contacting the police so downplayed it and focused more on the insecurity of private renting with low or benefits income.

Is it worth speaking to her today. I don't know if that might make me number 2 or 3 maybe instead of 4. Realistically I'm unlikely to get it if the others turn up.

[Wolfiefan]

You have anxiety. That’s why you are so scared of a virus.
He has threatened to kill you. That’s a real threat. Men like him do kill their partners. That’s the danger.
He IS nasty. And he’s not sorry or he wouldn’t ever scare or hurt you again. He likes doing it and will continue to do so unless you get out.
Step away from the scary virus news and do the freedom programme instead.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

I think he’s far more likely to seriously harm you, than for you to catch Coronavirus, Plantlife.

If he has to self isolate for 2 weeks in your flat... what will happen? There will be no let up or space for you. He’ll also be worried about his parents.

Get yourself out if you can, and go and see what the Housing association is offering. When do you get to chat with your GP?

[cakeandchampagne]

I’m glad it helped you to write. I hope you have a safe night and continue to move forward tomorrow.

[plantlife]

Sorry. I wish I could stop rambling. It's the stress. And I'm in pain as my condition flared up (stress can make it worse).

In short, my main concern about coronavirus is being ill around him. He'd be able to really hurt me if he wanted to. I keep hearing his threats in my head and also seeing his face when angry. I think if he's genuinely suicidal he'd kill me but it's probably paranoia on my part after reading news stories. He said once he'd go out in a blaze of glory, after threatening to smash up the flat and the neighbours flat. But again I think it's just heat of the moment and more to scare me. Does he want to paralyse me by fear or is he genuinely sorry and just not thinking? I know it's not definite I'd catch the virus, but if I do, I'd be stuck as obviously refuges wouldn't be able to take me whilst contagious.

I don't know what to do about tomorrow. If I manage to keep my resolve and try to leave tomorrow. I know I'm likely to lose courage but if I don't. If I go to the housing association viewing and don't get it, it will be too late to find a refuge before he's back. It's highly unlikely three people will turn down social housing in London? I don't know what to do. I'm leaning towards trying to find a refuge. If I go away now and get to sleep, I can try to start calls early. I'm sorry for panicking. I'll sleep on it and try to decide tomorrow. I know I sound beyond panicked but I'm a little bit calmer after venting.

[plantlife]

I don't know if I can keep my resolve. I've had some time to think. I have some anxiety but actually I think mostly it's just fear and I think it's rational fear? I know I'm scared of everything now but it's just relentless stress. I'm constantly on edge about him. I feel guilty because I think he's just trying to scare me. But he's hurting me anyway? The mental stress of it all is getting to me. But I'm questioning how bad things really are. Yes, he says nadty things and makes some threats but he's not following through. He's very very stressed and depressed and I think his release is to be nasty but then he's sorry. I know it's not nice but it's such a huge decision and it's a no going back decision. Is it mental health or is he really capable of killing me? Is it just anxiety?

I'm not trying to make excuses but I genuinely think it's the long period I was completely housebound. Its affected my ability to think straight. I keep seeing articles and comments about self isolation (for the coronavirus) and how it affects mental health. That's just two weeks. I'm not mentally ill? It's just the stress and fear and isolation.

With the coronavirus. Of course I'm scared anyway but really the reason I'm panicking is how he is when I'm ill. If I catch it (and he's on public transport daily to work) I'll be so vulnerable. But if I don't leave before he's back, I may be stuck. No refuge will take me if I have it. I hope that makes sense. I mean if I don't get away before he's back, I risk catching it and then being trapped with him (if it doesn't kill me). He even made a point of saying about me being more at risk, just to scare me but it worked.

[ByeByeMissAmericanPie]

The refuges won't turn you away because of the virus... and to be honest, you are probably safer tucked away in a refuge!

He is one VILE being... and you have to find some anger to decide enough is enough. Stop with the excuses (I know, because I'm making them too - but also being called out on them by family) and keep on at the doctors or the refuges. There is NO good reason for them to turn you away.

[BraveGoldie]

In the UK (not hi)

[BraveGoldie]

OP,

I know it is really hard because it feels like danger is everywhere but try to calm down about the virus.... the proportion of people who have the virus in London is about 0.00001%.... 1 in 90,000.... (that's based on the population of London and the total no of cases in the whole of the hi, so it is actually even smaller than that!) there is no way a refuge would turn you away because you were from London.

Also, forgive me if you have mentioned illness, the thread is really huge, but for most people, even catching it is not life threatening.... so of course it is always good to be careful, but the virus is an infinitesimal threat at this point compared to the dangers of being with an abusive man.

I hope you can find some peace of mind and keep reaching out for help.

[Jux]

Please do speak to your gp, Plant. Ask for help with your anxiety; have you tried the breathing? It's a tiny thing but every little helps.

[plantlife]

I spoke to him and he was being horrible. He was calling me a cunt again, saying he kill me, then threatening to leave and make me homeless, saying I deserved everything. It's a wake up call. I suppose I relaxed a bit whilst he was away. I've still been so scared but I persuaded myself it was safer to stay. I'm terrified of hostels and shared facilities. I'm also frightened of the virus. I felt a need to cling to the familiar, and I feel scared about losing everything I have. It's not expensive, probably worth pennies, but it's my stuff. Like a security blanket. It's all I have. I see posts from women with children saying that's what kept them going, the only thing. I only have my stuff. I know it's not helping by moaning about what's unfair but I feel like I'm the criminal. I'm the one that has to lose everything I own, facing the rest of my life in insecure housing. I feel like I'm being punished for needing to leave. I guess it is my fault for not leaving when I still had some money, was in better health, had work, friends. I'm sorry.

Anyway. Ive tried to call the national helpline. I need to do it before I lose my nerve. Can't get through. I want to try to go before I lose the nerve. Also the way he was on the phone. He won't let up when he's back. He doesn't seem to like me being calm and sounding together. Its like he wants me to be a mess.

I can't get through. I want to get a place by tomorrow but don't want to leave my number. I'll feel on edge all evening waiting by the phone. I spoke to the housing association. I'm not the top 3 so unlikely to get the flat tomorrow. I don't think I'm going to be housed through them. I'm the same position on the list as I was last time. I thought I'd move up a place after someone gets housed. Sorry, just want to go before he's back. Stressing. Doctor not free til Friday. Prescription still messed up so more stress but least of my worries..I should have emailed the refuge a few weeks ago. I'm so stupid.

[Wolfiefan]

You need to seek urgent help for your anxiety.
You are at MUCH more danger staying with a man who has threatened to kill you than a virus that has affected less than 100 people nationwide.
You can’t allow your fears to take over and endanger your life. Because they are.
You’re spending your time looking for reasons for staying.
You should be spending your time finding every possible thing that could help you to leave.
And doing the freedom programme.
You asked a question on a webchat. That has no bearing on what help you may or may not be able to get.
Speak to your GP. Be honest about what’s happened at home. And your anxiety. You need help OP.
If you won’t even view the flat you face being stuck where you are. They won’t think you’re serious.

[plantlife]

Just wanted to add. I know it's 100% my fault if I do get trapped in a virus ravaged London. I should have left sooner. I knew things would get worse - my situation, and separately the virus situation.

I want to be honest even though this will probably be the thing that makes you completely lose patience. I understand. I need to express it even although you'll be horrified. I was emailed yesterday. Offered another viewing tomorrow on a housing association flat. Please don't hate me. I know I can't ever complain again. But I can't go. I feel sick with fear about the virus. I'm shaking thinking about it. I know I won't be able to get myself to travel into central London. Even though he does that so I'll catch it from him anyway. If I leave, I'd get a cab as a one off expense but I can't afford that just for a viewing especially as I'd need a return journey. It's also a basement. I know beggars can't be choosers, I know it's a million times better and safer than a homeless hostel. My concern about ground floor, I got over. If nothing else they're in high demand so easy to transfer but basement I'd feel unsafe all the time. I looked it up to see if rational fear. Security experts say basement is most unsafe level. Break-ins not noticed as much by passers by as below street level, for security there's bars on the window so fire risk. Please don't hate me for not going. Is it at least a tiny bit reasonable of me? If I'm leaving DV and staying in the same city, basement isn't ideal surely? I really want to leave London as well so I just hope I'll be accepted by somewhere out of area.

[plantlife]

Thank you everyone. I haven't gone yet as I get up late. I asked a question under a name change to the femicide webchat about housing. She ignored my question, which hasn't reassured me, in fact it's made me feel even more concerned. It doesn't make me want to put my life in the hands of a da charity.

I didn't ask for miracles, just wanted her views on lack of housing impacting the situation. I don't know how things can ever improve if it's ignored? They always say raise awareness. Anyway that's why I'm late to go outdoors. I was following the chat. I'm feeling a bit upset but I'm still going to try to get out.

It's made me more determined to leave London though. Aside from housing issues here, I'd feel safer far away. But also it's made me feel my local service isn't the only less good one in London. But anyway I genuinely think I could only start again away from here. He travels across London, his friends live all over. So much bad memory as well.

Anyway sorry for rambling and rushing. I was upset and needed to vent. I'll go out now. I'll try to work out what to do whilst walking. I'm genuinely scared more than ever that I'm trapped. Coronavirus is spreading and I know many refuges outside London won't want someone from there. It's obviously spreading on the tube. How do I get out now? I can't drive and I could catch it (and spread it to others in the refuge) if I use public transport. Do you think the refuge would be reassured if I wore a mask to travel to them? I have a few proper ones bought ages ago.

Sorry again. I do hope you all stay safe.

[cakeandchampagne]

How was your trip to the corner shop today?
As you get out more, you will think less about your NDN.

[BraveGoldie]

Just sending you strong vibes of support for your corner shop visit, OP. Sounds like you are taking steps - both in your mind and concrete ones in real life. That must be really scary, but you are doing the right thing. You CAN get free. And you are right, you don't need to worry about him. Not your job.

Don't worry about the neighbors. I am sure they understand. And if and when you are ready you can always send them a message when you want to...

Sending hugs and admiration for taking steps on your journey.....

Goldie x