is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

[plantlife]

I'm sorry. Thank you so much. I really don't think I deserve your kindness. I had a little rant just to myself earlier. I sounded horrible and angry. I don't want to be like that.

I'm going to try to recharge over the weekend. Prepare for doctor stuff on Monday.

New GP will hate me already. I booked a telephone appointment this afternoon but panicked and just cancelled. My next door neighbour left work early. Just got in. There's not much privacy between the flats. I feel I can't talk freely. Hopefully they'll be pleased as someone else can take the appointment.

[plantlife]

Please don't think he's a really bad person. I know it's not great me being with him and I need to prepare to leave if it gets bad but he really isn't awful. It happened in the lady and he shouldn't have lost his temper but he didn't have malice unlike the receptionist. I don't think it's damaged hearing really. Just a bit more sensitive to noise and sometimes like twinges of pain. But it could be coincidence, from an infection or something or psychological. I think once I'm back on track with my chronic condition (it's not the ear) I'll feel more sure of what to do next. I'm going to try to relax over the weekend.

[Wolfiefan]

Hope you manage to relax. GP won’t hate you at all. They are there to do a job and want to help.

[plantlife]

I just wanted to thank you so much for being so kind. I know this thread has moved on from the original question/title. I really hope it's ok to post still if I need to. It's like a tiny link to the outside world. I feel so completely cut off mostly. Two months without going outside has crept up. It feels unreal

I'm so ashamed how pathetic I've become.

Feeling a bit down today. It's such lovely weather outside. I think it must be me to blame for a lot of this. Whatever he's done, the fact that several sources of supposed support haven't helped, I must be particularly good at making people angry dislike me.

If I should stop posting, I'd rather someone told me honestly. I don't want to piss people off. Or if I should move the thread. I think I feel safer for now just in 30 days.

[cakeandchampagne]

We would miss you if you stopped posting. We like you & we care.

Maybe you could open a window or a door and get some fresh air & sunshine on your face today?

[Wolfiefan]

You aren’t pissing anyone off. Not at all. People don’t have to read and reply if they don’t want to. I am at a wedding this weekend so busy but I will check back when I can. You can do this.

[plantlife]

Thank you so much. Thank you. Your kindness, I don't know if I deserve it but thank you. I hope you both have good weekends and I hope the wedding is nice.

The windows are open all day so I have some air. I'm going to try to forget it all this evening and put the TV on.

[Twillow]

Hi Plantlife. I check in every day because I care about you.
Have you started your diary yet?

Could you go outside tomorrow? Like literally just outside the door? Feel the sun on your face - it's going to be another gorgeous day.
Would that be a step in the right direction to congratulate yourself on, instead of looking for more ways to blame yourself? Please try to stop doing that.

[WellThisIsShit]

I’m still reading OP

[Wolfiefan]

Of course you deserve kindness. Hope you found something good to watch last night.

[GrumpiestCat]

Dear OP from your posts I see you don't feel you deserve anything, you don't want to inconvenience anyone or do anything that might upset others or be thought of as selfish. You worry that people think you're a nuisance when it's quite possible they're just busy or not paying attention. You are a valuable human worthy of love and respect, you deserve to see your doctor, to even go to A&E if in crisis, to not have to put the world and his wife's needs before your own. I hope in time you can work on building up your self esteem and put yourself first and feel more confident saying "I want" and "I deserve". You're doing really well to start to make changes. I hope it continues and you go from strength to strength.

[plantlife]

I just wanted to thank you all so much again. I'm so tired today. I can't even think or write properly but I wanted to thank you. It helps just feeling it's out there. Ive started an online private diary but I feel this need to write somewhere in the outside world. To feel I'm still part of it a bit. I tried somewhere else before but he's much more likely to check there.

I should tell myself it was just one or two bad experiences, perhaps, but it must partly be something about me that rubs people up the wrong way. I know it was sent to intimidate me, to stop me making my complaint, but the GP practice letter telling me I was a nuisance, that I'd taken up too much of their time, I know I need to stop being self pitying about it, but it's hard. I thought I'd be able to get help from them.

I think the new GP is much better, touching wood. Ive heard good things about them.

Sorry, I sound so self pitying. I'm nervous about going to the hospital. I still haven't been outside. I wish I could baby step it instead of straight to a busy city centre hospital. I'm going to make myself go. It will be harder once he's back so I'm going to do it!

I'm going to try to forget it this evening. He'll be back this time next week. I don't think I'll manage to leave before then. I had it planned out. I have to try a new plan I suppose.

[plantlife]

I'm either cursed or useless or both. I didn't make the walk-in today. It closes at 4. I woke up too early, 5am. After what's happened I know I need to be fighting fit mentally so not too tired, so I can stand up for myself when the doctor tries to immediately dismiss anything I say.

Sorry, I really am. I know what this looks like. What it is, I suppose. Round in circles woe is me posts but no action. I genuinely did try in the past, and kept trying and wanting (and needing) to turn to the GP. It's really knocked me. Not getting help is one thing but being turned on and bullied by them too has shaken all my confidence.

I know I have to shut up, stop whining, I have to help myself, stop dwelling on bad experiences. It's just so hard.

I'm frightened I won't get out of this mess, that I'm too far gone, too messed up. Its like there was this intense period of a few years, lots of violence and violent rages, me desperately trying to get help, not getting it. Then my health got worse, I'm so dependant on him now and he knows (and likes?) that.

[plantlife]

I'm sorry. I really will shut up after this. I'll probably regret all saying so much and I don't think l'll be believed anyhow about this but I feel this need or urge to say about things now. So much I've only had myself to talk about it to.

I did speak to a helpline in the end and they were very kind but I don't think they believed me about this. I tried to get help from a local domestic abuse charity when the violence was happening a lot. It was so awful and made me feel more alone. I know my posts here sound like I just go round in circles but I genuinely was ready to get help to leave.

Some examples of what they said to me. I had about 30 minutes on the phone to them, speaking just after some violent incidents. I was scared of what he'd do next. I spent 30 minutes detailing what he'd done, etc. I then asked if she thought it was abuse or just me making him angry and him losing his temper but not meaning to. She said she didn't know enough about my case to say. Because I was too scared to give my name and address. I told them I needed to feel I could trust them first. Another time I tried again, she refused to tell me my options. Kept saying she'd already told me, but she hadn't. Then she snapped that I'd taken up too much of their organisation's time, that I couldn't get a refuge in case something happened.

Sorry, I know I have other options of help. Just that and the GP stuff made me feel so alone. I know it sounds unbelievable. I won't be believed but my truth is at least out there now. I feel better just for that.

[Wolfiefan]

Honestly? I’m not sure they are bullying you. I can’t tell from your posts. It sounds like his behaviour has affected your mental health so much that it colours your perception of what other people do.
Don’t expect the GP to refuse to help you. They have a job to do. They should do it.
Don’t assume that you must depend on him. Seek help for the issues that make you feel like you have to and then move on. Good luck.

[cakeandchampagne]

You were concerned about trusting the helpline- what were you worried they might do?

[Whatisthisfuckery]

OP, I haven’t read the full thread because tbh it’s making me feel sick.

On a purely practical level, there is an app you can download for your phone called Hollie Guard. It’s a personal security app that lets you set up alerts to call people when you’re in distress. The other thing it lets you do is start your phone recording with either a shake or the touch of a button, can’t remember what.

If your issue is proof, which I’m not convinced it really is but anyway, you can get the proof using this. It is what the app is designed for.

TBH I think your issue is that you’ve been so utterly beaten down that you feel you deserve the horrible treatment you’re getting, it’s written all over the two pages I’ve read so far. This is not you and this is not how your life should be like.If he loved you he wouldn’t treat you like that, and no, the fact that he’s not given you a proper pasting doesn’t make him a decent human being. It doesn’t even raise him up to the level of arsehole. No decent human thins they’re virtuous because they haven’t properly beat the shit out of you.

Anyway, there is a way to get proof, and from the two pages I’ve read there’s plenty of it to be got.

[plantlife]

Thank you and sorry again. I know I need to do something instead of going round in circles. I think I've said too much, I'm sorry. They were bullying (GP receptionist, I think the GP was just a bit rubbish), it happened to other patients too, but I guess it's a distraction from my main issues. It just knocked me more I guess. But I know there's some good help out there. New GP was great when I spoke today. Didn't tell them about him. I just have to stop being too scared about everything. I used to be scared the helpline would call the police but now I feel better about that, I don't think they will without my consent.

Thank you so much for the app. I guess you're right. There is proof, including I suppose the neighbours hearing things. I guess you're right. I'm just scared about everything especially the outside world.

I'm going to try to stop posting at least for a bit. I'll update if I manage to move forward from this. I'm hoping to get the courage to the walk-in tomorrow.

[plantlife]

I think I can be normal again. Maybe. Or sort of normal. I've posted here with different names and a different account about normal things and think I'm sort of normal inside. I feel bad about him. I've made him look awful when all the worse stuff was ages ago. Please don't hate him. I'm difficult. I'm scared of him but only because I can't let go of the past. I'm going to prioritise my health then take it from there. I think I need to stop posting though because I think it's making me too distracted. I keep writing on here instead of taking actions.

Thank you all though so much. The support and kind words really, really helped. Thank you.

[Twillow]

Hi again. So glad you have started an online diary. A little tip if I may? Record the very basic details of anything negative. Don't overfocus on it. Be determined that on any one day, in what you write, the positive outweighs the negative.
I say that because...with the kindest of intentions...every post you make it becomes clearer that you are so very, very down on yourself. I'm not the only one to say this. YOU DO NOT DESERVE BAD THINGS. But perhaps you are expecting them, and that can become self-fulfilling.
It WILL get better. You can do this xx

[plantlife]

Thank you. I'm sorry for being so negative. I really was making an effort but the GP stuff knocked me, but now I'm dwelling on it. I know I need to move forwards. Thank you. I know I said I'd stop posting unless moved forwards but if I feel an absolute need to post in the real world as well as my private diary, please don't be angry. I understand if it's not read or replied to. Thank you again. I really will try to follow your advice.

[Wolfiefan]

No one is angry. Posting might actually help you get your thoughts ordered so you can move forward.
Nobody hates him. You seem to think people are judging you and him. We don’t know him. But we do know you deserve to be treated well. Stop blaming yourself for his actions. He didn’t behave how he did because you’re “difficult”. We don’t force people to behave as they choose to. He is responsible for his own actions.

[Twillow]

Hey me again, sorry, don't be angry.

Lol did you see what I did there??

No-one here has been angry with you, why do you say that?
Hold your head up girl, offloading is fine.
Start to be more aware of those key words and phrases that you use regularly - sorry, angry, with me, my fault, make people hate me, bullying. They reflect how you feel about yourself.

For example, bossy and abrasive doctor's receptionists are a thing of legend. I'm going to sound a bit harsh here and I absolutely don't mean in any way to upset you, just gently nudge you along so bear with me because I have been through abuse and know how it affects your mind-set...

Here goes. Deep breath. Both the letter from the surgery and what the helpline said to you seem a little odd. It seems unlikely that two agencies would single you out and call you an attention seeker who is taking up too much time. The DA agencies particularly are trained in recognising women's concerns over privacy and how many times they may need to explore their issues before being ready to take action. On the face of it, it would certainly be justifiable grounds for complaint and extremely unprofessional in both cases.

Is it at all possible that your mindset has affected what you believe they were saying, which would be understandable in your frightened, in pain and dependent condition? I know I've taken things very personally in the past and brooded over them deeply, which at a better time in my life I probably wouldn't have thought twice about, or brushed off as the other person having a bad day.

None of what I've said, though, and this is important, means you aren't deserving of hope, support and a better life

(Also, I should apologise about a comment I made the other day when I said it was going to be lovely and you should step outside, it then rained . I hadn't even checked the forecast and I was so worried you might think even the skies were against you...)

[plantlife]

Thank you so much again. I can't seem to help apologising, I'm sorry!

I think inside I know how to think rationally but the prolonged time indoors is making me go funny. He always tells me I make him angry when he's angry and that's when bad things happen. I used to think it's just him being horrible (when angry) but then I turn into a nightmare and self fulfilling prophecy maybe.

I know I need to move on from this. But it's devastating what happened with the doctors, the consequences really, that I begged for help and didn't get it so now without my crutches (not crutches but similar in how I need the medication to be able to get out and about) and can't plan anything. There's proof it's not me, others have had similar happen and it's been reported by the other patients. They all, like me, were accused of being difficult or a nuisance - after making a complaint.

The local da charity - I've sort of moved on, but at the time it was also devastating. I turned to them when it was bad, violence worse and more often. Neighbours calling him a wife beater and calling the police. I just typed a long ramble but it's too long and boring and rambling. It's genuinely what happened but I'm making myself more vulnerable by speaking out before being out of the situation.

The national domestic violence helpline was very nice and kind though. I promise you it's not my mental state confusing what happened. That's what's messing me up, that something bad happened and I'm not believed. I know it sounds far fetched but it really was bad.

The truth is, when I posted my thread title I know it's been abuse in the past. But I desperately hoped it wasn't still. He doesn't seem to like it when I'm doing well - physically or mentally, so it will be hard to do follow up appointments with doctors. So rinse and repeat - discharged from hospital, told I'm not bothering to turn up.

[Wolfiefan]

If he’s preventing you getting well then you must get out.