A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.
He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.
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is this abuse?
plantlife · 06/09/2019 22:05
I hope things get sorted soon. You are bright & pleasant, despite all the difficulties. Any pup would be lucky to live under your roof. 
Because of the abuse, you become very vulnerable to other people and their bad behaviour can become more abuse as well.
It’s like you become a magnet for other people’s bad behaviour.
Which is horribly unfair. Because right now, you need gentleness, patience and support.
Not more unkindness and mindfuckery... but it’s one of life’s terrible ironies that when you are deep in an abusive relationship, this is what you get. More abuse.
I can’t really explain it, but I’ve experienced it. And I’ve seen it on here, again and again.
Abuse truly does ruin your lives.
Having said I can’t explain it (& I cant, not fully, and I won’t attempt to, don’t worry!)... I have noticed that there is a pattern that perhaps we apply to get by with our abusive partners, that doesn’t work well when we do the same in other situations.
I’m thinking of abusers push our boundaries, so we don’t have strong fences up in the correct places to protect ourselves, and our ‘fences’ don’t have alarms on them to let us know when someone is leaning on them and pushing through... to have nice strong healthy boundaries means that the moment someone even leans a little bit on that fence huge loud klaxons go off!
And the other thing is, if you are used to someone getting their way and either manipulating you or just straight up scaring you into rolling over and letting them do whatever they want... well, you get conditioned to ‘put up and shut up’.
Now you might think you complain and whine and argue a lot, and he has to ‘put up with you’, but I don’t actually believe that’s really what you are like, or indeed, that’s what’s happening. It’s another way to control you. Trust me, I’ve been there!
I think you’re so beaten down by the abuse that you don’t know how to stand up for yourself anymore.
And that lays you open for other people to treat you badly.
And when they do, you don’t react as quickly or as firmly as other people might do, because of the way you are used to having to behave to appease your partner.
And so before you know it, you’re neck deep in a really tricky situation and not quite sure what the heck just happened! And then you are scrabbling trying to ‘prove yourself innocent’ and make things ok, because it’s all gone so horribly and unfairly wrong.
And because you’ve learnt to keep on going and not to let go, in your relationship, you also kind of lose the sense of when to keep at it / walk away in the rest of your life.
It’s very hard to walk away with your head held high when you’re terrified of the unknown and also think you don’t deserve any better... and that goes for letting go of your GP or your partner!
I’ve lived this and it’s absolutely horrible. I’m so sorry for you, I really am. Lots of fellow feeling
Take strength from this:
Life Can Get Better... you’re life is So Hard right now, think of the huge burdens you are having to drag around with you every second of every day, no wonder you are overwhelmed, anxious and scared!
And it is scary to think about changes, as you’re weighed down and exhausted by carrying all this stuff... but the great thing is that when you do take one or two important steps forwards, and make those one or two changes, so many of those burdens will go. And all that energy you spend 24/7 carrying these around with you... well that energy will be for you again. And imagine the great things you can do if you get that energy back again?!
It will be a weight off your whole body. And things that feel really hard now will feel easier when you aren’t fighting against the fear and torment of your life now.
But only if you take a step or two to change.
You have to do the scary bit first, unfortunately. But when you’ve started it gets easier and easier.
OP you really do have to speak to the doctor about everything. You shouldn’t be paying privately for medication because the doctor won’t give you it. The reason may be because it’s bad for you. You really do need to get to the GP. You can ask for a double appointment when you book at my surgery. And if you can’t get an appointment, in your case I would defo speak to women’s aid or something. You deserve a fresh start. Your head must be mince just now because if everything that’s going on, but I think you do need help to get you feeling better and if this involves an out of hours doctor so be it, don’t feel guilty as you sound like you are in a bad way. Be seen before he returns please. That’s very important. He may not let you out to be seen after he returns.
It’s hard to tell if you have a diagnosis or have convinced yourself that you have a particular problem and want them to prove it.
You need to go in simply armed with the symptoms. Be clear and work with the GP to try and find a solution. It may not be the test you think you need. I had a biopsy done. For eczema. I was 
. But it was useful. I also needed blood tests. Didn’t expect that either! Finally I have it under control.
Like Wolfie said, “You can rebuild your life....”.
You can work/study again. You can shop for food- you could even start your list right now. 
You can have pizza for breakfast. You can take a walk outside- you can go exploring. You can wear clothes you like- and be ready for any weather. You can create a safe & peaceful home- and invite your friends to visit.
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